WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - 1 Year Divorced (7)

[BL42]

A couple tidbits and random items I forgot...

Apparently OM2 got a brand new truck, which was actually a bit of a trigger for me at last drop off...guess I liked picturing him in that old rust bucket he had before. Also, I'm effectively paying the mortgage on the house he's living in with my ExW and kids so feels like I'm helping to pay for it in a way. I know, I know...don't let OM2 work me up.

D4 was with my mom yesterday and saw a cigarette on the street and asked what it is and told my mom she doesn't like being around OM2 when he smokes because it smells bad. She says he smokes in and out of the house. I didn't know he was a smoker. Don't like the idea of my kids living in a house with smoke, but don't think there's anything I can do about it. Hopefully it's an occasional cigar as opposed to a regular cigarette habit.

Golfed with a buddy on Sunday and the topic of our friend who had been in divorce proceedings and out of the house and actually going for primary custody based on W's actions but then reconciled and that cause some fallout with some buddies because they actually told them what they honestly thought of her...and now they're R'd (for now anyway; I'm skeptical of their long term prospects). Anyway, my buddy said he and his W were chatting about me and dreading the conversation he'd need to have with me if I ever wanted to get back with ExW. That they would have to speak up and tell me "no, absolutely not". So I asked if they ever felt that way before BD/affair out of curiosity if they'd seen any red flags but didn't speak up because we were married, and he said "No, things seemed well enough to us. It was only after the affairs and OM1/OM2 we could never let you go back to her." I told him not to worry, that there was a time I wanted to keep my family together but now that she did that and things have passed and I see the kids the majority of the time I'd never want to go back.

I've seen some friends posting pictures of them and their sons enjoying their favorite sports teams together. Stinks I can't always watch my teams with S7 regularly, especially for big games. I've done an incredible job staying as involved and present as I can with the kids considering the sitch, but still miss out on stuff.

Think I've been a bit more down recently on my relationship status. Nothing major, and trying to live my best single life, but seeing other couples and wishing to have some of that adult interaction would be nice. First swing at OLD wasn't great and the setups friends have mentioned haven't come to fruition. Went to a wine tasting event with some friends and there weren't many people there like before COVID. Think it's pretty tough for a single dad of young kids in my area, as I actually do see myself as a pretty good option with a lot of those 6s LH always mentions. I know they say people will come into your life when you least expect it, and I know the kids should be my focus anyway because they're only young once and not for long - and they area - but missing some relationship connections as well.

Anyway, just some more ramblings...

[LH19]

One is a mom I see at school pickup and I coached her son. She friended me on SM and started messaging me, throwing compliments my way both in person and on SM such as "nice haricut BL42", "you're an incredible dad, never seen a dad so involved", asked "are you trying to make me jealous with your Florida trip?", saying "I have to admit, that beard is working for you"...etc., but my impression was she's married, so when I got back from my work trip I asked what her status was and she said "it's complicated" and she asked me why I asked, so I said "well I thought you were married, so didn't want anything inappropriate" and she responded about how weird and awkward she felt now and how she didn't mean it that way at all and that people misunderstand her (but I'm pretty sure she did) and how she was going to delete the message and start over. But now she started messaging me again. I've seen her and the father of her kid being very separate at events and obviously something is going on between them, and she's reaching out to me (and perhaps others, who knows), but I want no part of even talking inappropriately if she's still married and if "it's complicated".

BL I think you need to learn how to flirt back when someone is flirting with you. What did you say when she said "that beard is working for you"? acceptable retorts: Do you want to feel it (wink)? Great because I grew it for you (wink). You have to have the back and forth. Not "what is your status"? That's not fun and playful. Like validation "flirting" takes practice or can come off creepy. Enjoy

[Ginger1]

I think BL felt that she might be married and didn’t want to engage if she is. He didn’t feel comfortable flirting with a married woman

[BL42]

BL I think you need to learn how to flirt back when someone is flirting with you. What did you say when she said "that beard is working for you"? acceptable retorts: Do you want to feel it (wink)? Great because I grew it for you (wink). You have to have the back and forth. Not "what is your status"? That's not fun and playful. Like validation "flirting" takes practice or can come off creepy. Enjoy

I think BL felt that she might be married and didn’t want to engage if she is. He didn’t feel comfortable flirting with a married woman

Ginger's right. Admittedly my game could use sharpening LH, but in this particular case she's obviously flirting and I'm uncomfortable with that if she's still legally married. It's apparent something is up in her relationship, but if they're just separated and not formally divorced I'm not interested in being part of that. I do like your acceptable retorts though...I'm going to keep those in mind for future interactions (with single women).

[LH19]

Well I won't get into a debate on who can be and can't be flirted with but get those 6s working for you BL.

[Ginger1]

6s?

[LH19]

6 feet tall, 6 figure salary, six pack, 6 inch .......lol etc.

[Mach1]

I have to admit I feel a great deal of pressure/stress/anxiety sometimes pulling these events together because I feel the need to make it "perfect" for the kids, probably guilt of the D and their situation going back and forth from houses (even if it wasn't my choice). Running up to her birthday D4 had mentioned several times wanting to go back to the water park for her birthday (I took them earlier this year for my 40th), and I try to fit everything in but there were too many logistics and I just couldn't make it happen that weekend. However, I did take them this month over a school and made a big deal we were going because it was her birthday wish and we had a great time. So I got it done and she loved it. I know those feelings of pressure/stress/anxiety to make it perfect for them are going to bubble up in me come with Christmas coming up as well. I need to learn it's ok not to fit in everything and make everything "perfect" for them and just go a little easier on myself and relax a bit. It's tough to handle all aspects of parenting without a partner. There's still all the responsibilities two parents would normally share (laundry, cooking, cleaning, buying clothes, yard work, kids activities...etc.) in BOTH houses, but it's just me. Granted, my parents have been a godsend so thankfully I have support.
.

Hey 42...

I will tell you this...

It doesn't have to be perfect....

Only perfect for you..

I always wondered if I was "enough" for my kids...

And I can tell you that they do notice, and you are enough by being there and showing up.

I had a pretty detailed talk with my Son over the weekend. We talked about things, and he has been curious about life events that led him to to the man that he is becoming. And even with all that he missed by being a kid, he saw a LOT. Pretty powerful moment when he told me that watching and seeing what I had overcome to be the person that I am, and that he admired me because of who I am, and also because of who I chose NOT to be...

So I think that what we do today will pay dividends. Maybe not today or tomorrow, yet it will..

Stay YOUR course, I think you are knocking this out of the park...

[BL42]

Hey 42...

I will tell you this...

It doesn't have to be perfect....

Only perfect for you..

I always wondered if I was "enough" for my kids...

And I can tell you that they do notice, and you are enough by being there and showing up.

I had a pretty detailed talk with my Son over the weekend. We talked about things, and he has been curious about life events that led him to to the man that he is becoming. And even with all that he missed by being a kid, he saw a LOT. Pretty powerful moment when he told me that watching and seeing what I had overcome to be the person that I am, and that he admired me because of who I am, and also because of who I chose NOT to be...

So I think that what we do today will pay dividends. Maybe not today or tomorrow, yet it will..

Stay YOUR course, I think you are knocking this out of the park...

Mach1 - Thank you for that. I appreciate it. Reading your comment definitely gave me a boost today.

[BL42]

Bit of a trigger this morning...

ExW has kids for Thanksgiving this year so I dropped them off in the AM and we'll returned them tonight, but when I pulled up OM2 was backing up his brand new truck and had a smoker in the driveway prepping turkey and kids got out of the car and S7 walked towards him and D4 used his pet name to ExW. Just felt like I'm dropping off my children to this man who they see their mom and my ExW living with and being a family for a Holiday event when I'm not allowed to be with them. Yes, I need to get over it and am better most times but every once in a while it stings. It's tough being a holiday.

As DnJ would say feelings are fleeting. When straight to the gym for about 2hrs and did a 5k on the treadmill, lifted weights, and did sit ups and speed bag. Need to get more regular/dedicated there - have slacked off a bit lately - but know that'll make me mentally and physically stronger and more attractive.

Hard to believe it's been a month since my last update. Want to fill folks in on some events from and since Halloween and get some feedback on that in another post.