Maybe, maybe not

[Ginger1]

For about 2 weeks now I have written a whole post and deleted it multiple times. As I start this, there is a strong possibility I’ll delete it again. This place has always served as a good journal for me. A good place to talk about some stuff I like to share at the end of the day or what’s going through my mind. I will never discount that from the olden days here. Yes, most have left because they found new love or “moved on” . Yes, I have thoroughly moved on in so many ways. I haven’t found new love, but I’m not tied to my divorce anymore. I still come here maybe because I’m my very certain world I have always known this has been a constant. And of course I didn’t want to come back and know that the first thing I would hear is the “she never follows through and always says she’s leaving” I also know if I am going to put my stuff on here I have to take what comes with that. But for now. I’m just going to journal.

I started my new position. The first week or so had me freaked out. Lots of politics, some “bullying” and crazy stuff. By week 3 I was totally on my own. My boss above me went on vacation and the one who was training me moved to FL. I became in charge just like for a week. I nailed it, if I might say so myself. I also gained the trust and respect of my staff. It’s a hard job for sure and it’s a 24/7 job. I deal with people above me and below me and a lot of personalities. But it is a strength of mine. I’ve went to a few work related events outside of work that really helped me get to know my staff. I’ve been getting nothing but positive feed back. Today we were really short handed. When I sent out todays assignment I sent a separate email validating and ensuring I here to help them and I appreciate their hard work and flexibility. I got a separate email from from one of my staff saying “ I just had to let you know that was one of the nicest emails since I’ve worked here that I ever received regarding call outs, thanks!” It my day. I know when I was in their position what I valued was that I was supported for my efforts and recognized. Again, not an easy job but exactly what I needed. And my role here is this big hospital ( #1 hospital in my state) wouldn’t have been the same at my other hospital. We also got a 4% raise across the board which I got on top of my 6% and that was nice! My paycheck now is actually more than what I made with My per diem job and my old job. And now I still work a day or 3 a month at my other job. So money will be looking a little better.

My challenges still lie in balancing all my home and work responsibilities. I’m managing. It gets stressful at times because It’s an adjustment period. And house stuff has been happening I’ve hard to fix and all that jazz. My GAL is mostly work events and we went on one huge one which was on a yacht in the Hudson. We literally were right up at the Statue of Liberty at night all lit up. It was incredible . I still go to the gym.‘I also started a new mendication which is finally helping with my insulin resistance and my weight is starting to fall off. I broke my plateau . I don’t get to do my other GAL activities I love especially at this time of the year, because they are all day activities and I just need to be at home and catch up on chores. That stinks. Hockey season has also begun. We went to opening game.

And at opening game Saturday someone else was there and texted me because he knew I would be there. We met up at second intermission. And well, the feelings never died on either side. However, he is still needing to be single. And yes, we did hang out and yes we chat. Is it a messed up situation? Yes. We both have those feelings for eachother but the timing is still awful. The good news is I have been just too busy to even date for real at all ( also off all apps for a while because they were making me sick) and I just resolved to just live life. I have been too busy and focused on work anyways. And I just didn’t care anymore. So while we are talking, I already kind of resolved to not pursue anything for a while. So we will see. Might just be a FWB situation. Who knows .

Another blast from my last came back as well. This is the second time he Circled back. I am bit interested. He really tried to convince me to be, but I am not. I guess it’s that time of the year, who knows.

But I am truly content with life presently. Is it still a struggle ? Yup. But I’m happy. Things are going well. And I am proud of me, because I built all of this myself. No one else, just me. My kid is doing great and I take a good amount of credit for that. She’s the best teenage girl I could have asked for even though we butt beads like sisters sometimes. I’m healthy. I am gainfully employed. I have solid friendships. I am truly content .

Will I hit the send button this time? Let’s seeeeee

[kml]

Girl, you’re kicking butt in that new job!

As for the recycled boyfriends circling around - nah. Hold out for the guy who is excited to see you and puts in the effort.

[LH19]

And of course I didn’t want to come back and know that the first thing I would hear is the “she never follows through and always says she’s leaving” I also know if I am going to put my stuff on here I have to take what comes with that.

Nah. We knew you would be back once you realized you didn't force a couple posters off the board.

I started my new position. The first week or so had me freaked out. Lots of politics, some “bullying” and crazy stuff. By week 3 I was totally on my own. My boss above me went on vacation and the one who was training me moved to FL. I became in charge just like for a week. I nailed it, if I might say so myself. I also gained the trust and respect of my staff. It’s a hard job for sure and it’s a 24/7 job. I deal with people above me and below me and a lot of personalities. But it is a strength of mine. I’ve went to a few work related events outside of work that really helped me get to know my staff. I’ve been getting nothing but positive feed back. Today we were really short handed. When I sent out todays assignment I sent a separate email validating and ensuring I here to help them and I appreciate their hard work and flexibility. I got a separate email from from one of my staff saying “ I just had to let you know that was one of the nicest emails since I’ve worked here that I ever received regarding call outs, thanks!” It my day. I know when I was in their position what I valued was that I was supported for my efforts and recognized. Again, not an easy job but exactly what I needed. And my role here is this big hospital ( #1 hospital in my state) wouldn’t have been the same at my other hospital. We also got a 4% raise across the board which I got on top of my 6% and that was nice! My paycheck now is actually more than what I made with My per diem job and my old job. And now I still work a day or 3 a month at my other job. So money will be looking a little better.

This is really good stuff and you should be proud.

I still go to the gym. I also started a new medication which is finally helping with my insulin resistance and my weight is starting to fall off. I broke my plateau .

This is really great stuff and you should keep going full steam ahead BUT..........

And at opening game Saturday someone else was there and texted me because he knew I would be there. We met up at second intermission. And well, the feelings never died on either side.

and then there is this. What feelings? The feelings that keep you apart?

However, he is still needing to be single.

Hmmm this sounds familiar. Did you by chance agree to be FTK Friends that kiss?

And yes, we did hang out and yes we chat. Is it a messed up situation? Yes.

I wish Albert Einstein was alive today to say it.

We both have those feelings for each other but the timing is still awful.

WTF does this mean?

The good news is I have been just too busy to even date for real at all ( also off all apps for a while because they were making me sick) and I just resolved to just live life.

If you had truly resolved to live life you wouldn't be stuck AGAIN in one of these F'd up make believe agreements.

I have been too busy and focused on work anyways.

That should be 100% of your focus.

And I just didn’t care anymore.

We know you don't care anymore. Then you'll get the I need to be single call and you will be in pain again.

So while we are talking, I already kind of resolved to not pursue anything for a while. So we will see. Might just be a FWB situation. Who knows .

Very sad too read. You are better than this but until you actually believe it everyday will be Ground Hog's Day.

Another blast from my last came back as well. This is the second time he Circled back. I am bit interested. He really tried to convince me to be, but I am not. I guess it’s that time of the year, who knows.

You are interested in a guy who has dumped you twice already? WTF????

But I am truly content with life presently.

Are you?

Is it still a struggle ? Yup. But I’m happy.

Are you?

Things are going well. And I am proud of me, because I built all of this myself. No one else, just me.

You should be proud of that and start to believe it.

My kid is doing great and I take a good amount of credit for that. She’s the best teenage girl I could have asked for even though we butt beads like sisters sometimes.

That's great.

I’m healthy. I am gainfully employed. I have solid friendships. I am truly content .

Are you?

Will I hit the send button this time? Let’s seeeeee

You know the answers that were coming. Unless something changes and you start to mean what you say nothing is going to change. It's really sad to read the same thing over and over. But hey you are happy.

[Ginger1]

LH, I knew you wouldn’t be able to help yourself either. I think you read me wrong. We aren’t dating, we aren’t together. He still does need to be single and he absolutely should be. And I need to be single as well quite honestly, because I am in a place in my life where I have nothing to give to a relationship or dating. I have too much going on.

I really mean it, LH. I am happy and content. I do believe it. Don’t know why you doubt it? It also doesn’t matter why you doubt it. I can’t even say I’m happy without that being challenged. I knew I was going to regret that send button.

And I also realize, sadly, my mood was lifted when I left here and now here I am and it was a mistake to hit the send button because I even have to have a good place in my life challenged .

[Ginger1]

I know you are happy with your life and your woman, why can’t you let me be happy with my life?

[Ginger1]

I know you are happy with your life and your woman, why can’t you let me be happy with my life?

also, the other guy was one that I dumped twice, well not even a second a time because I wasn’t interested. And I wasnt interested this time. That’s what I was saying. You might be surprised to know they don’t all dump me and I have dumped nearly every guy in the past 2 years. You are just so quick to pounce. It pains you for some odd reason when I am happy and doing good.

[Ginger1]

Girl, you’re kicking butt in that new job!

As for the recycled boyfriends circling around - nah. Hold out for the guy who is excited to see you and puts in the effort.

Girl, you’re kicking butt in that new job!

As for the recycled boyfriends circling around - nah. Hold out for the guy who is excited to see you and puts in the effort.

Thanks! I was really scared at first that I made a mistake , but I think this job is exactly what I needed !

[LH19]

Another blast from my last came back as well. This is the second time he Circled back. I am bit interested. He really tried to convince me to be, but I am not. I guess it’s that time of the year, who knows.

I don't think you even know what you are saying anymore. One minute you are a bit interested...

Also, the other guy was one that I dumped twice, well not even a second a time because I wasn’t interested. And I wasn't interested this time.

The next minute you are not.

It pains you for some odd reason when I am happy and doing good.

It doesn't pain me I just don't believe it, I know you too well. Fine I can play the game.

I am so happy you are happy and finally have everything you want in life!

[Ginger1]

Apologies, autocorrect, “not” corrected to “bit”

And you really don’t know me that well at all, Lh. We haven’t even spoken in months. But thank you for making sure you challenge a good place in my life.

[job]

I am glad that you have returned. Everyone needs a safe place to blog. You have helped others along their paths of self discovery and I hope that you will continue to share your ups and your downs along the way. We are all human and make mistakes. No one is immune to making mistakes.