Too little too late?

[Tarheel]

I'm back!! Was here years ago trying to save my marriage. Wasn't successful, but eventually met a wonderful girl. I'm currently 45 with 3 adult children, she's 36 and never been married/no kids. We had the kids discussion early on and were on different pages, but continued dating (I know, I know). We maintained a 6 yr long distance relationship (8hrs away) and eventually became engaged. During the R, we usually avoided the kid talk. At one point, she said she was OK with not having kids and I probably heard what I wanted, so we didn't discuss it much afterwards. Finally, maybe 1-2 yrs ago, she told me she had been lying to herself and needed to have kids.

We stayed together (I know, I know) because neither one of us could break it off. End of May this year, I finally told her we needed to talk. Ended up breaking things off as I just couldn't imagine 'starting over' with babies. She took it harder than me- I think because I had been processing the breakup for a while. We continued to talk through the end of June, then communication stopped. I reached out late July because I missed her and we talked a time or 2. A couple weeks later, I text her wishing her good luck on her first day of school (teacher). Then about 2-3 weeks later I called her and we talked over a couple of days. Last week, I called her and told her I wanted to have kids with her. She took a few days to process, then called me earlier this week saying the answer was no. She still deeply loves me, but thinks I'm making the decision based on loneliness (kids left for college) and why didn't I feel this way years, even mos ago. I've set her back emotionally as she had tried to move on.

I'm not here for feedback on whether my intentions are true or just to get her back. I've put months of thought on what I want for my future, talked to friends/parents, prayed, etc. I want to be with her and I want to start a family with her. The way I feel for her is different than I ever felt for my ex wife. So whether you agree or disagree with my motives, I'm just looking for advice on how to 'win' her back. I understand that it's not likely and I'll need to move on, but I refuse not to fight for love. I know going silent is the most likely approach but I feel this situation is different than the typical busting stories because we both acknowldge that we still deeply love each other and we're 8hrs away. Thoughts??

[LH19]

Tarheel,

Yours is one of the first stories I followed when I found this site before I started posting. Your W had an affair with a guy at work. You guys tried to reconcile but your W never got her feelings back for you. If you don’t mind giving an update on what she is doing now?

Yeah you can’t win her back. That only happens in Hollywood. You stated your case and now you have to give her space to think and miss you. It’s going to be horrible for her to start over again at her age. Very slim pickings as most of the good guys that want a family are taken. It may take a little time but I’ll bet she reaches out.

Not cool what you did to her BTW. Messing with a woman who wants children is a major deal my friend.

[Tarheel]

Hey LH19!

Ex W and AP ended up getting married and live nearby. It took me a while, but I'm actually ok with both of them. The 3 of us ended grabbing drinks after we moved our daughter into college this past spring. I just came to accept that she's not the woman I married.

Thanks for the tiniest bit of hope- that's what I'm holding on to. I realize the pain I've put her through. She had made comments during the R that she was ok not having kids and like I said, she was lying to herself and I probably heard what I wanted, so was afraid to ever bring it back up in case she changed her mind. I would have never proposed knowing that. We both accept fault. I will forever feel an extreme amount of guilt for stealing 6 years of her life though.

I suppose that's what's most frustrating/confusing to me about this. The man she's still in love with has come back (too late in her mind) saying he wants to give her the thing she wants most, is willing to move 8hrs away from friends, family, his kids and given her age, the situation, etc she's not all for it. We've always talked about how we felt like we were meant to be. I foolishly expected her to be excited when I reached out to her with my change. I know it doesn't work that way though.

Because of our love for each other, I struggle with going silent or continuing to reach out and maintain a presence in her life. In the call when she told me no, she said that it's not like we can never speak again. I just don't know how that works if she's wanting to move on. She knows how I feel, so I suppose there's nothing more I can say.

[LH19]

So I would advise you not to get into the friend zone with her. If you want her to have second thoughts she needs to believe you are moving on.

[Tarheel]

I know going silent is the most likely approach but I feel this situation is different than the typical busting stories because we both acknowldge that we still deeply love each other and we're 8hrs away. Thoughts??

I also feel like this is maybe different in that I essentially ended things with her. And now after mos of being apart, I want her back. I struggle with 2 approaches:

1) She now knows how I feel. That I've changed my view on kids and want them with her. She took a week to think about it and replied no. Maybe just going silent and giving her more time to think is the way to go. If she wants to move forward with that scenario, she'll reach out to let me know.

2) Now that she knows how I feel, I should continue to communicate with her to show her my intentions are real and not made in a moment of loneliness. Reach out occasionally with small talk in hopes that she eventually can't envision a future without me.

Approach 1 is what my gut says, but she's got a super stressful few weeks of school related stuff ending next Sat (feel like I should check in to see how things went) and a bday on the 19th.

[LH19]

Nah. You made a mistake and tried to make amends and she rejected you. The ball is in her court and she will reach out if she changes her mind.

[Traveler]

Tarheel, your situation is substantially different from a wayward wife or walkaway wife.

+ You don't get her if you expected her to be happy you changed your mind. You pulled the plug because you felt you'd never change your mind, then you changed your mind. She said she doesn't trust this quick change. Her skepticism seems reasonable and should ba addressed.

+ She found reasons to stay with you despite the incompatibility. You thought it was easier to pull the plug. Both of these erode her trust in you being one of us guys who stand by their partner through thick and thin (obviously, minus excessive situations like child abuse, cheating, etc.)

+ She worked through most of missing you, so absence isn't as likely to make her heart grow fonder.

+ If she's desirable she's probably hanging with those of us with too many fun date options, not those lamenting how hard online dating is. A pretty, fun, sexy, loyal, kind woman who wants to settle down ticks quite a few boxes.. if that's how you'd describe your ex-lady!

+ She's invited you to keep talking. The door is open.

This seems like a situation where she may be open to being won by you. Prove your change and affection can be consistent and you're willing to fight for her. Playing it cool is better than begging or being friends, but I'd bring your A game and flirt. Think of how you used to flirt with her, what jokes or compliments you used, what deeper truths you know.

You only regret the shots you don't take. Best of luck to you!

[BL42]

Tarheel,

We maintained a 6 yr long distance relationship (8hrs away) and eventually became engaged.

How did you sustain a relationship over such a far distance for so long? That must've been taxing at times. Did you ever live together for some period? I wonder if the significant time apart led to longing or mystery which being together all the time would not.

We continued to talk through the end of June, then communication stopped.

Who was reaching out through June? Why did the communication stop? Did both of you just stop on your own, or was one of you not responding?

Ex W and AP ended up getting married and live nearby. It took me a while, but I'm actually ok with both of them. The 3 of us ended grabbing drinks after we moved our daughter into college this past spring. I just came to accept that she's not the woman I married.

That has to be a tough pill to swallow. I guess time heals all wounds - or at least softens them - and you're further down the road than me, but I can't image grabbing drinks with my ExW and OM2.

I suppose that's what's most frustrating/confusing to me about this. The man she's still in love with has come back (too late in her mind) saying he wants to give her the thing she wants most, is willing to move 8hrs away from friends, family, his kids and given her age, the situation, etc she's not all for it. We've always talked about how we felt like we were meant to be. I foolishly expected her to be excited when I reached out to her with my change. I know it doesn't work that way though.

Can you put yourself in her situation? Understand you say it's genuine, and don't want feedback there, but in her mind you lived apart and didn't want kids for 6 years and now that it's over and you're alone all of a sudden you're moving for her and want kids? It's fair of her not to trust it's genuine.

I agree w/Traveler your situation is different than others with a WS/WAS and your sudden change of heart likely makes her question her trust in you, but I also lean towards LH you're unlikely to win her back with some grand gesture and that you need to give her space and let her miss you. Imo, she'll either join the dating pool and find someone and be happy, or get frustrated with it and get back in touch with you...but at her age it might be tough to find someone who immediately wants to have kids, if that's what she's looking for.

Do you know that she's not already dating someone? The timeline of May breakup with continued talks through end of June only for communication to be cut off and then responses brief when you reached out later in the Summer and Fall make me wonder if she found someone late June and then got confused by your turn-about in the Fall but decided to stick with the new guy. No clue - just speculating - but the timeline of events sounds suspicious (not that she wouldn't be in her rights to).

[kml]

Don’t be silent. Grovel. Woo her.

But be prepared for her to still have doubts. You well know that having and raising a child is a huge lifetime commitment, and she’s right to question your commitment to that since you’re only doing it to get her back (and before you protest, if she disappeared tomorrow, would you be looking for a new partner to have kids with? No).

Because your actions didn’t match your words, you DID waste 6 years of her prime child-bearing years. What could you do now in ACTIONS, not words, to make it clear to her you’re sincere? Move to where she is? Propose marriage?

[BL42]

kml,

Don’t be silent. Grovel. Woo her.

You think? Granted Tarheel's situation might not be the typical LBS situation, but how often has that worked around here?

What could you do now in ACTIONS, not words, to make it clear to her you’re sincere? Move to where she is? Propose marriage?

They were already engaged, no? I would NOT move 8 hours away on a whim just to win her back. Seems like that would end in disaster...for Tarheel.

Do we know she hasn't already been dating someone since they initially stopped talking in Late June? Sounds like Tarheel was the one reaching out over the last month, not the other way around.