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#2937935 09/28/22 02:44 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
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So you were dating before your W even moved out. I guess this makes more sense now.

So in the early stages of a relationship and especially after having a child a woman will typically bends over backwards to make her husband/BF happy so he stays in the relationship. This is all part of the Evolutionary Psychology thing I like to talk about on this board. She wants a man around to help with, protect and provide for her and the baby. After years and years of this and the man doesn't reciprocate the resentment starts to build and you get the bomb drop after many years of her needs not being met. The fact that this has happened so quickly leads me to believe either A. you are not being honest with us or B. your girlfriend is not relationship/marriage material or something is not right with her like for an example she is not attracted to you.

So anyhoo what I would do if you want this relationship work is to focus on her needs for at minimum 6 months. If you do this and she is a rational human being she will slowly start to meet your needs too. After 6 months of your efforts she still is not reciprocating you should have a discussion and try to at minimum negotiate a middle ground. If the negotiation is not acceptable to you than you need to live with it or start to plan your exit strategy.

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Originally Posted by LH19
This is why you take your time to get to know someone before cohabitating and knocking them up. This sounds awful. Feel really bad for your children.

I was thinking these exact thoughts then read them here from LH. Imagine being this child and having your family ripped apart and divorced while you’re so young. That’s bad enough but then you have to compete with new people vying for your fathers attention and further taking him away. Yes, the damadge in this case is done but pointing it out might help others. What a mess. And life altering for the child. So sad.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Originally Posted by DonH
I was thinking these exact thoughts then read them here from LH. Imagine being this child and having your family ripped apart and divorced while you’re so young. That’s bad enough but then you have to compete with new people vying for your fathers attention and further taking him away. Yes, the damadge in this case is done but pointing it out might help others. What a mess. And life altering for the child. So sad.

Imagine if only there were a place that one could visit and post their story to get advice that could protect against that....



Whatever has been done.....IS done....

And it can change for the future....

IF only you could start listening instead of being the victim.


Nothing has happened TO you....you have allowed it....


Yet, until you can see that, nothing will change....

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Originally Posted by LH19
So you were dating before your W even moved out. I guess this makes more sense now.

So in the early stages of a relationship and especially after having a child a woman will typically bends over backwards to make her husband/BF happy so he stays in the relationship. This is all part of the Evolutionary Psychology thing I like to talk about on this board. She wants a man around to help with, protect and provide for her and the baby. After years and years of this and the man doesn't reciprocate the resentment starts to build and you get the bomb drop after many years of her needs not being met. The fact that this has happened so quickly leads me to believe either A. you are not being honest with us or B. your girlfriend is not relationship/marriage material or something is not right with her like for an example she is not attracted to you.

So anyhoo what I would do if you want this relationship work is to focus on her needs for at minimum 6 months. If you do this and she is a rational human being she will slowly start to meet your needs too. After 6 months of your efforts she still is not reciprocating you should have a discussion and try to at minimum negotiate a middle ground. If the negotiation is not acceptable to you than you need to live with it or start to plan your exit strategy.


I agree with this....

And I will add....

Wolf, I feel that you still view DBing as a tactic to get your way.

You think that just validating, or whatever, is going to fix whatever situation you find yourself in....

You still argue to be 'right' in most situations, and just want the storybook "soulmate" ending without actually doing anything different, let alone the work to achieve that.

You still don't see that the common denominator in your struggles with both of your past relationships is YOU...

You are having the same thoughts and situations that you had in your marriage, yet you still blame them for YOUR side of the street. You have admitted that you treat your GF now like you did your EX.

The reason that validation isn't working for you is because they don't believe it. I don't believe it either and I'm not the one in a relationship with you. Hell, I bet the Pope wouldn't believe you.

I feel that you have zero clue of what actually goes on around you as long as it works out the way you want it to....

And you don't 'own' any of your role....

The argument over the other day realistically had little to do with the actual event that you want to validate....

It is the build up anger and resentment from the past couple years. Her not feeling heard or listened to, or fully understood and appreciated.

One thing is never the cause....



And old rule is....

"Listen to understand and you will be understood...."


It goes along with....

"Speak without offending, and listen without defending"



Things CAN change Wolf, you just gotta want it....


And you are gonna come back and tell me that I am wrong....

Then I am gonna come back and point out how my perception of you isn't wrong...

Then you will come back and say "fair point", then argue that I am once again wrong, even though you admitted that there could be truth in it....

(Hey, kinda like your relationship huh ? )

So can we skip that, and go to the part where you start to see how your actions and behaviors have lead you to this point, and things can start getting better ???

Cause that would save a lot of time.....

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Wolfman,

Two things:

1) You started dating when you were still married and then quickly got her pregnant, so you really didn't have time to vet her and determine whether she's a good fit for you and whether she's a long term girlfriend/wife material. It's unlikely anyone still married or fresh out of a breakup/divorce finds their lifelong dream partner in the first encounter, and therefore likely right out of the gate you're going to have compatibility issues and not be a great fit. However, as you and others have pointed out...that ship has sailed. As they say in Economics, it's a sunk cost. So no point in dwelling there - it is what it is. All you can do is best address your situation as it stands.

So...

2) As others have mentioned, your posts come across as you pursuing a transactional relationship (I.e., returning her jacket and taking her to dinner = physical affection in return). Maybe that's not the case in real life - I know you've been struggling wanting more physical affection for awhile - but that's how it comes across to us. Now, this is the mother of your child. Ideally you'd want it to work out and not have a second baby momma Ex, so I'd recommend really focusing on your contributions. Even if you're not religious that quote from the Bible "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful" is apt here. Think of your contributions and your love as totally selfless. And, as LH mentions, focus it not on a single day or week, but for a long period of time...6 months. Really try over a long period of time to be totally selfless and address her needs and wants. If you're patient and selfless and demonstrate your love over a long period of time, you very well might find her attitude and attraction to you changing for the better. And as LH mentions, if her outlook never changes over that long period of time, and your needs are never going to be met, then you'll have to decide to pull the plug.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
So you were dating before your W even moved out. I guess this makes more sense now.

So in the early stages of a relationship and especially after having a child a woman will typically bends over backwards to make her husband/BF happy so he stays in the relationship. This is all part of the Evolutionary Psychology thing I like to talk about on this board. She wants a man around to help with, protect and provide for her and the baby. After years and years of this and the man doesn't reciprocate the resentment starts to build and you get the bomb drop after many years of her needs not being met. The fact that this has happened so quickly leads me to believe either A. you are not being honest with us or B. your girlfriend is not relationship/marriage material or something is not right with her like for an example she is not attracted to you.

What i Haven't been talking about is the drama with my ex. At least not all of it. That drama has put a lot of stress on our relationship. Orders of protection, sheriff showing up to my house 2 times. going to court because of false allegations, spending thousands of dollars to defend myself, making money tight for us for a while. Having the ex's parents follow us and even start one time with my gf and one of my son's basketball games. So unfortunately, LH you are right, There has been a lot of things I have not shared as far as my ex is concerned. There is just endless drama with my ex, which affects my gf. I am going to say it and be honest, it's not fair for her to have to deal with all this drama. My gf, is just so done with all this drama. My gf is so nervous and anxious, that many times before we go to my son's games she will drink a little to help ease her anxiety. I know that is not a healthy way to deal with it, but thats what she does. Maybe that is why it does not make sense for her to get here so quickly. Maybe this will help make a little more sense why my gf acts the way she does and feels the way she does. She has literally asked if we could move out of state to get away from her.
I had problems with my own family. Very long story short. My mom is handicapped and she wanted to live with me. So, we were going to buy a home together, when my brothers found out, they lied to my mom because they were only worried what would happen to the home when she died, that they wouldn't get any of her money. 2 weeks before we were about to close on the home with my mom and move in, my brother stopped my mom from her from using her money to buy the home and the deal fell through. We were almost sued. It was a mess.
This is a lot for one person to deal with and it has "nothing" to do with with her family.
Also, my gf immaturity comes out as far as wanting my attention. She complains to me about having to run all the time for my son. But Let me be clear about something. My son and her have been getting along, their relationship is getting so good. It is so great to see how they are with each other. They talk all the time and she is very involved with my son now. My son loves the baby, they play all the time and have so much fun together. So there are some bright spots here.

Mach I am here to change myself and fix this situation. I have been through a lot and trying the best I can. I have had a lot happen in the last 2 years.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Oh LH i started to date my gf after I moved out of the home with my ex.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Originally Posted by LH19
So you were dating before your W even moved out. I guess this makes more sense now.

So in the early stages of a relationship and especially after having a child a woman will typically bends over backwards to make her husband/BF happy so he stays in the relationship. This is all part of the Evolutionary Psychology thing I like to talk about on this board. She wants a man around to help with, protect and provide for her and the baby. After years and years of this and the man doesn't reciprocate the resentment starts to build and you get the bomb drop after many years of her needs not being met. The fact that this has happened so quickly leads me to believe either A. you are not being honest with us or B. your girlfriend is not relationship/marriage material or something is not right with her like for an example she is not attracted to you.

What i Haven't been talking about is the drama with my ex. At least not all of it. That drama has put a lot of stress on our relationship. Orders of protection, sheriff showing up to my house 2 times. going to court because of false allegations, spending thousands of dollars to defend myself, making money tight for us for a while. Having the ex's parents follow us and even start one time with my gf and one of my son's basketball games. So unfortunately, LH you are right, There has been a lot of things I have not shared as far as my ex is concerned. There is just endless drama with my ex, which affects my gf. I am going to say it and be honest, it's not fair for her to have to deal with all this drama. My gf, is just so done with all this drama. My gf is so nervous and anxious, that many times before we go to my son's games she will drink a little to help ease her anxiety. I know that is not a healthy way to deal with it, but thats what she does. Maybe that is why it does not make sense for her to get here so quickly. Maybe this will help make a little more sense why my gf acts the way she does and feels the way she does. She has literally asked if we could move out of state to get away from her.
I had problems with my own family. Very long story short. My mom is handicapped and she wanted to live with me. So, we were going to buy a home together, when my brothers found out, they lied to my mom because they were only worried what would happen to the home when she died, that they wouldn't get any of her money. 2 weeks before we were about to close on the home with my mom and move in, my brother stopped my mom from her from using her money to buy the home and the deal fell through. We were almost sued. It was a mess.
This is a lot for one person to deal with and it has "nothing" to do with with her family.
Also, my gf immaturity comes out as far as wanting my attention. She complains to me about having to run all the time for my son. But Let me be clear about something. My son and her have been getting along, their relationship is getting so good. It is so great to see how they are with each other. They talk all the time and she is very involved with my son now. My son loves the baby, they play all the time and have so much fun together. So there are some bright spots here.

Mach I am here to change myself and fix this situation. I have been through a lot and trying the best I can. I have had a lot happen in the last 2 years.
Ahh I see now. It's your EXWs fault your GF doesn't want to meet your needs.

Move out date 4/22/19. 4/22/19 + 3.5 years equals 10/22/2022. Since we are not at 10/22/2022 there is some overlap.

If everything you are saying is true my guess is your GF is planning her exit strategy.

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Wolfman Offline OP
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LH I am not saying it's my exw's fault. I am just trying to explain the stress that has been added to the relationship. Look I know I have made a lot of mistakes. I am going to do your strategy. Just focus on her and not look for anything in return. That is a bad trait that I have that I need to correct. We started to date 5/2019. My 3.5 wasn't meant to be exact just an estimate.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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