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Wolf, although I've left this forum, I wanted to offer you some parting thoughts--

Originally Posted by Wolf
I surprised her at her job. She was so happy and excited. After she got off from work I took her to dinner.
This relationship is more salvageable than the vast majority of DB stories here. She's not seeing other men, starting fights, or declining your dates. She's enthusiastic.

Originally Posted by Wolf
We were in the mall yesterday and she just started crying. Saying how she feels so anxious and so depressed.
Like you, she has issues. Saving this is not 100% on you.

Originally Posted by Wolf
I made all this time for her today, did a bunch of things for her and I am not worth a hug???
This is where you toss your hard work away. "I did X, so she should give me Y!" Wolf, balances of labor in the household ("she cooks, I clean") are transactional, like roommates. Ensure there is balance so you're each doing your share and also respecting one another.

Love is not transactional. Whether your love is a feeling or a choice, express it through genuinely kind acts for your partner, the mother of your child at least weekly with no thought of reciprocation. In 6-9 months you've already had 20-40 opportunities for dinner dates, flowers, or taking up one of her chores once. Her love tank from all indications is low. It will take time to refill.

Was there anything to be grateful for or appreciate about brightening her day? Look for those things daily. A happy companion, yummy food, and a fun venue would all do it for me. Is I GOT HUGGED or I DIDN'T GET HUGGED--is that all you can see in that? Monthly rants aren't solving this. Prioritize your relationship like gym visits and expect results on that timeline.

If you're desperate for physical touch now SOLVE THAT directly. I remember at one phase of my life--a stage of pregnancy where my XW felt gross--I visited masseuses because $45 was worth it for an hour of physical touch and talk about our challenges. Also, your son loves you, so you have at least one person in your life who loves you and isn't going anywhere.

Wolf, I hope you and your GF find your happy place!

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I’ll never forget sometimes after a long shift as an ICU nurse, I would just want a shoulder rub. My ex didn’t want to unless sex was in the mix. And if I just let him rub my shoulders and not do something for him in return he would get all pissy.

As everyone says. Love is not transactional. You figured out for a week that you need to speak to her in her love language and you finally do and you expect an immediate response to get what you want from it.

Give it a nice long period of time where you speak to her in her love language without expectation of her giving to you in your love language. See what happens. Let her come to you. Soon she won’t even want to receive from you if that expectation that she needs to return all the time is there.

And I have to ask. You mention she is not from this country. Is her family here? Does she have anyone here? Aside from you, is she alone in this country with this baby?

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I need help with a convo ASAP. With the therapist yesterday my gf brought up a situation from April she was upset about. Try to make it short and to the point. Back in April I had a week off and I got my son for the whole week. So, about a week before I got him I said I wanted to take my son to Great Adventure of of those 7 days I had him. I told her I was thinking Monday. She out right told me NO.( 2 reasons I was taking him, 1. It was her idea if he got a certain number of 100’s on tests I should take him. 2. That week I had him I knew the park was not going to be so crowded.)
I said I can’t take him one day? She said no she had school work to do. I said I understand, that she has work to do, it was just going to be one day and the rest of the week I would help her by babysitting the baby. Which I didn’t think was fair for me and my son, that I was going to babysit and barely spend time with him. Make a long story short, I still took him on Monday. She was very mad that I took him after she told me no. Oh and as far as her school work, she finished it 2 days later and the assignment wasn’t due for another week anyway.
So she brought that up how she felt like I didn’t care about her school work and the things she needs to do. That I should have not gone, that I could have taken him in the summer. She was upset about that. The therapist asked me about my side of the story and how I felt. I explained what I said above and said I don’t think it would have been fair for my son to just sit in my house everyday while I babysat the baby. And basically only spend time with him after the baby goes to bed at 7 pm. How is that going to make him feel. And I had told him a couple of weeks before that I was going to take him during that break. When I said all of this, she got even more upset because when this all happened she kept at with me how I was wrong, I shouldn’t have done that. So back at the time I tried to validate and say, I understand why you would be upset, I am sorry you felt like I let you down. So she told the therapist I went back on my apology now. Feels like my apology was not real. Honestly I tried to validate her feelings back then and I did t want to continue to argue, considering she finished the project 2 days later, one week ahead of schedule.
She just text me she is still upset about our conversation from yesterday. This is what she just text me,
I am still upset about our conversation yesterday. You basically told me that my things aren’t as important as yours. Please help. How do I validate this? I don’t want to argue.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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First, it’s never babysitting your child. It’s called parenting. I hope to God you do not use the word “babysit” in reference to parenting your baby.

What do you think Yoi could have done better in that situation? Do you think you could have compromised on a different day that week and said “ I am taking my son to great adventure, which day would work best for you ? Did you try that ?

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
First, it’s never babysitting your child. It’s called parenting. I hope to God you do not use the word “babysit” in reference to parenting your baby.

What do you think Yoi could have done better in that situation? Do you think you could have compromised on a different day that week and said “ I am taking my son to great adventure, which day would work best for you ? Did you try that ?

Lol I don’t use that term babysit. I said it on here. I love watching and being with my son. I asked her what day would be best for her? She outright said no this week. Wait till the summer. I don’t think that is fair to my son. I had him a whole week and only be able to spend time with him after 7. Let me clarify something too about that situation. I ask my son to play with the baby and we do things together. Just not what he wants to do. Go for a bike ride, go to the park and play basketball, play video games. Things like that, we can’t do because of the baby.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Something is not right here you guys are acting like an old married couple after two years of dating. This is why you take your time to get to know someone before cohabitating and knocking them up. This sounds awful. Feel really bad for your children.

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Originally Posted by Wolfman
. How do I validate this? I don’t want to argue.

I don't think that you do validate it....

I think you have to understand it, and find a way forward from it...

Question....

Do you try to validate ONLY to achieve a certain response ??

Or do you seriously try to understand ???

I agree with LH....something is off....

Validation is more than a tool to get your way and desired outcome...

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And....

Start a new thread before we have to do CPR on Cadet

: )

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Originally Posted by LH19
Something is not right here you guys are acting like an old married couple after two years of dating. This is why you take your time to get to know someone before cohabitating and knocking them up. This sounds awful. Feel really bad for your children.

How does this help me? We have been together 3.5 years. I can’t worry about the past I can only move forward.
What is off???


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Start a new thread and i will give you my thoughts.

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