Was thinking back over my (long) dating history (because I'm in my 60's, remember). And thinking about the things I have, and have not had, in a partner.
CMM was probably the only partner who did as much for me as I did for him. (My college boyfriend certainly loved me as much as I did him, but wasn't so good at doing things for me). I often was in relationships where either I was the pursuer, or just the one that was giving more than the other. My exH fooled me by pursuing me in the beginning, but the dynamics of the relationship changed once he "had" me.
Many partners have been as smart or smarter than I am.
None have been as funny as I am (which is odd, because I love a funny guy).
I'm not sure any of them have been as happy or optimistic.
Not sure if finding a funny, happy and optimistic single guy in my age range who is smart and sexy is even a realistic goal. (Grumpy old men abound). But maybe worth paying attention to my pursuer/rescuer tendencies in the future.
Was just making the bed in the guest room (formerly my mom’s room) for a guest who is coming for a couple of days. It’s just a full mattress, and it surprised me how small it is. My exH and I slept together on a full mattress for most of our relationship, until a few years before it ended. We are normal sized people - he 5’10” 170 lbs with a muscular surfer build, me 5’6” and 120 - 150 lbs throughout that time. We slept quite close, obviously.
I only changed it to a queen bed when he had had his affair about 8 years before his final departure. He was planning on moving out (had put down a deposit on an apartment) so I ordered a queen bed. I figured I wouldn’t want to sleep on that same bed where we’d spent so much of our marriage, and that if I dated, a new man might not fit in that small bed (little did I know that years later, when he finally DID leave, that I would date a virtual basketball team of very tall men! )
I think that act was actually part of what finally made him turn around that time. It hadn’t seemed to occur to him that I might date other men if he left.
Had a stray thought the other day. I have an upcoming weekend away with my three adult kids, and even this is fairly expensive, just staying at a beach hotel a couple of hours drive away. It occurred to me that if we had a family vacation that included my ex and his wife, and split costs, it would be more affordable to do more real travel.
Then I snapped back to reality. Even though I could behave politely around my ex and his wife, my kids would be way too uncomfortable around them. It wouldn’t be a vacation for them. Heck, one son doesn’t even speak to his father!
I’ll just need to save up for more family vacations with the kids on my own.
Had a great weekend away with my kids, smart discussions about AI art and the implications among other things. My youngest is getting pretty fluent with his Spanish from discussions with the kitchen workers at the restaurant where he works - I’m jealous. I should be working more on my Spanish, but instead am hooked on studying Korean at the moment. I suppose I could try watching some of the Korean dramas dubbed in Spanish to brush up my Spanish. (Not a telenovela fan).
Read an article in the WAPO by a researcher about attraction - makes me think online dating would be much more successful if dates sent you a sweaty t-shirt to sniff. I remember stealing a t-shirt from my first post-divorce boyfriend and keeping it under my pillow - his smell was so intoxicating to me.
Now on a working vacation with my BFF. Last night we saw a Starlink train very close - must be within 2-3 days of launch, as they get further away over time. Very cool sighting. Very conflicted about them though.
Am enjoying the “companionship” of three ex-lovers who are friends and just text occasionally. Nice to have those low key male friendships to share things like that with.
Ok, off to work now - need to add some last minute slides to my talks and check them for time.
Read an article in the WAPO by a researcher about attraction - makes me think online dating would be much more successful if dates sent you a sweaty t-shirt to sniff. I remember stealing a t-shirt from my first post-divorce boyfriend and keeping it under my pillow - his smell was so intoxicating to me.
That'd be an interesting OLD feature...smart phone app releases the smell of a man's cologne or used t-shirt! lol
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Just back from a week away with my BFF, teaching at a conference. Talks went well, weather was beautiful, resort was lovely, and we got to go horseback riding for the first time in ten years. Although my horse was a bit of a brat ( and spooked once, but I got him under control quickly), it was a great ride and I’m looking forward to riding again next month in Hawaii.
Grateful to be healthy and in shape at this age, able to manhandle my giant heavy suitcase, ride a horse with no problems, and lecture successfully to my peers. I don’t take any of it for granted.
Still having sporadic text messages from Spa Guy. Perhaps after my vacation in Hawaii with my sister a month from now, I might ask if he’s interested in me coming for a visit some weekend. I’m not ready to face actual dating again, so he might be the perfect stopgap solution. I’m still on the fence a bit. But dang, he’s handsome, smart, sexy, and good company for the short time he’s available. That might tide me over for a while.
As most of you know, Spa guy had ghosted me for 4 years, but I had sent occasional text messages throughout, worried that he might be suffering from depression and wanting him to know I was his friend regardless.
We used to have a joke about the movie The Time Travelers Wife. I had brought it for us to watch one time and he HATED it. He never let me live it down and it was a running joke.
Earlier this year, when he was still ghosting me, I had texted him that the new series of the Time Travelers Wife was great and he should watch it, despite his hatred for the movie. Much to my surprise, today he actually admitted that he HAD watched it and liked it, as well as Station Eleven, another recommendation I had made. (He always recommends great movies and books to me, as does my first post-divorce boyfriend).
Feels good to know he was reading and paying attention to those texts even when I felt I was spitting into the wind. My BFF thought I was being silly, but I trusted he was out there somewhere and would likely welcome my messages even if he couldn’t respond. Glad I trusted my gut.
Re: Spa Guy - casual texting conversations continue, mostly about films and music. But I had a revelation last week while on a long car drive to deliver something to a sick son (bad asthma). I realized that part of why I am ambivalent about the idea of seeing Spa Guy again, is that if I had to choose between the friendship, and the booty call, I'd rather keep the friendship. Not that I would necessarily have to choose, but since it's still a little unclear what led to him ghosting me last time, I'd want to make sure that visiting him wouldn't lead to that again. Not something I have to decide right now, since that isn't on the table yet anyway.
Re: relationships in general - while CMM wasn't my perfect match in many ways, he adored me and took care of me in ways I have never had in a relationship before. Guess what? It's really nice being in a relationship with someone who puts in as much as you do. (He made me lunches for work, let me use his Star Wars lunchbox, and wrote both of our names inside. Nerdy sweetness.) I think I will definitely be looking for that in any future (real) relationship. (I don't consider Spa Guy a "real" relationship in that he's a known Love Avoidant who told me up front he doesn't DO relationships so my expectations for him are zero in that regard. It's actually part of why I like him, he was at least self-aware and up front about that so my feelings never got hurt. )
Read a transcript of a Ted Talk today about online dating. The woman spoke about setting three criteria for messages she would respond too: whole sentences in decent English, referenced something she said in her profile (so you know it’s not a blanket cut and paste job), and nothing sexual on the first message. Seems like a pretty low bar but only 14% of the 210 inbound messages she received met these criteria. I’d say that’s on par with my past experience too. So guys, check your outgoing messages for grammar and spelling, reference something that shows you read her profile, and don’t make overtly sexual comments in your first message. That will put you in the top 14% right away!
Read a transcript of a Ted Talk today about online dating. The woman spoke about setting three criteria for messages she would respond too: whole sentences in decent English, referenced something she said in her profile (so you know it’s not a blanket cut and paste job), and nothing sexual on the first message. Seems like a pretty low bar but only 14% of the 210 inbound messages she received met these criteria. I’d say that’s on par with my past experience too. So guys, check your outgoing messages for grammar and spelling, reference something that shows you read her profile, and don’t make overtly sexual comments in your first message. That will put you in the top 14% right away!
For the number of men complaining about how difficult it is to get an attractive date, it's shockingly easy if you focus on the right things. Agree 100%. Hopefully, there's a TED talk out there for the ladies trying OLD, too!
Spa Guy sounds more like a fearful avoidant than a distant avoidant, in that he keeps an emotional distance, but wants to be in love. As a medical pro and someone who cares about him, it must be frustrating you can't help him overcome that. He even has a lady already somewhat interested in him who Stands By Her Man ala Tammy Wynette.
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