My Story P5: Saying goodbye to the MLC Madness

[Elbereth]

Hello Eagle,

I think it’s all very normal and expected what you have been feeling. We can still be progressing forward and doing well while still thinking about and have feelings about our Xs on occasion. How could we not? It’s the moving forward and not getting stuck in it that I think matters the most. I don’t see it as a backslide or setback (sorry B and DnJ :D), at least I think its only a setback if you get stuck here and stop putting your feelings, growth, and needs first. I am not under the impression from what you posted that you will be stuck in this specific interest in his actions for the perceived future. The fact that his behavior has been changing recently, to me is a trigger to open the door to deeper interest in what is happening in his life—it’s in understanding the context and all.

Enjoy your trip! I’m so jealous! I am hoping for a trip to Scotland next year!

El

[Gerda]

(((((Eagle))))))

You are not having a setback. You're just human.

But I think if you put "chocolate cake" as the temptation, you will see that you don't "have to." I don't know about you, but if there is a chocolate cake in my house I will eat the whole thing within a day or two. I can't have one slice here and there.

You don't "have to" check anything or know anything. In fact, you have NOT to in order to get the balanced mind you want. The temptation is there and very natural but like eating the entire chocolate cake, it will only make you sick. And if you do it every day, it could literally kill you.

I would advise that every time you want to look at anything about him or her or the next her or the next her (my was-band is on his second or third soulmate I believe), you have a list of things you do instead. You don't have to have the will power to avoid HAVING the temptation, only the willpower not to do it.

Delete all social media links. When you try to find them again, force yourself to instead read a book, bake scones, talk a walk, punch a pillow, read a psalm (one of the sad and desperate ones), write a poem, pull some weeds, paint a room, look at photos of children waiting to be adopted, read about climate change and set up a worm bin, pray, clean out a closet, change all the sheets, mow your neighbor's yard, write a letter to the editor, use a Q-tip to clean off the cage of a dusty fan, sign up to be a foster mom, watch Marvelous Mrs. Maisel or Shtisel or Madmen. Or you could say, I will read all the works of Charles Dickens, and every time you are tempted to check one of these things or wonder about it or see what H is doing, buying, thinking, changing, returning, posting, you have to read one chapter of Dickens (I'd start with Bleak House, also the title and theme and action of my divorce) before you can act on the temptation. At least it will delay your addiction craving for a chapter's worth of time and then maybe it will be weaker.

Lots of love from one who was once often tempted but now almost never..

[Eagle3]

A small update as I think it is extremely important for people who are just confronted with this to have an open thread that shows the evolution of a partner with MLC and how destructive it can get. I can only conclude from my specific experience and that is that in my case there have been a lot of mixed messages where I have sincerely believed that he was on his way back only to have to realize he wasn't at all.

That ultimately the best advice is to let them go, of course when you are ready. I myself have heard this advice from many people on this forum but it still took 3 years to completely let go.

BUT I’M FINALLY THERE AND CLOSE TO BEING HEALED IN FULL

I've had a fantastic summer. Lots of fun with family and friends, had a wonderful trip to Scotland, moved to a fantastic house in the middle of the city, where I immediately felt welcomed by the neighbors and the whole community. I am back to the person I used to be, albeit with much more lessons learned, but also with an acquaintance that will benefit me for the rest of my life.

I will write little about EX-H. He has been good for a while but recently slipped back and is still lost in LALA land but I've learned to draw my boundaries perfectly when he once again expresses his displeasure and then brings out his loveliest self again. (oh yes, both sides are still there)

Since the beginning of September, the children have been seeing him every two weeks at a fixed time for about 2 hours. They don't want any more today. And I assist them where necessary.

I am also quietly opening myself up to a future potential relationship. I feel like I'm ready for it. Everything in its time, the right person will come my way, I am convinced of that.

Lots of love,

Eagle

[Eagle3]

Especially for DnJ,

maybe you are sometimes still checking in on the forum...

I hope all is well with you.

I can only express my sincere gratitude for what you have meant to me, because I can say with full conviction that you are the person who gave me the right advice and comfort in the most difficult moments, and I never will, ever never forget this.

I'm convinced that there are a lot of people over here who have the same feeling about you.

I hope you'll come and say hello once in a while.

((((((xxx)))))))

[bttrfly]

A small update as I think it is extremely important for people who are just confronted with this to have an open thread that shows the evolution of a partner with MLC and how destructive it can get. I can only conclude from my specific experience and that is that in my case there have been a lot of mixed messages where I have sincerely believed that he was on his way back only to have to realize he wasn't at all.

That ultimately the best advice is to let them go, of course when you are ready. I myself have heard this advice from many people on this forum but it still took 3 years to completely let go.

BUT I’M FINALLY THERE AND CLOSE TO BEING HEALED IN FULL

I've had a fantastic summer. Lots of fun with family and friends, had a wonderful trip to Scotland, moved to a fantastic house in the middle of the city, where I immediately felt welcomed by the neighbors and the whole community. I am back to the person I used to be, albeit with much more lessons learned, but also with an acquaintance that will benefit me for the rest of my life.

I will write little about EX-H. He has been good for a while but recently slipped back and is still lost in LALA land but I've learned to draw my boundaries perfectly when he once again expresses his displeasure and then brings out his loveliest self again. (oh yes, both sides are still there)

Since the beginning of September, the children have been seeing him every two weeks at a fixed time for about 2 hours. They don't want any more today. And I assist them where necessary.

I am also quietly opening myself up to a future potential relationship. I feel like I'm ready for it. Everything in its time, the right person will come my way, I am convinced of that.

Lots of love,

Eagle

Eagle, I'm happy to read this post from you. Great job! It's a marathon, not a sprint for sure.

xoxo

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

I am pleased and honoured to be a part of your journey, and you a part of mine.

You asked me about my retirement a few weeks ago. It’s awesome!

My kids and Mom picked me up at work for a surprise retirement party. A limo, a change of clothes, reservations for bowling, billiards, and then a fancy supper. What a fantastic time.

With my now spare time, or more precisely my time, I’ve pruned trees, repaired the floor, worked around the yard, had meals with friends, watched movies and TV series, and on and on. What I want to do, when I want to do it, and if I want to do it. Ha, my cup runneth over.

Interestingly, after the wedding, and before all the recent events here, I contacted J. I told her plainly how tongue tied I was regarding her accolades of me and apologized for being silent during our walk at the wedding. I then let her know that she did a fantastic job raising the kids and I never demonized nor diminished her efforts in their young lives. She thanked me, and again reiterated my qualities.

A week ago, I was walking through town to pick up my tractor from its oil change, and J pulled up to the pharmacy as I was walking by. She got out of her car a mere twenty feet away and smiled and vigorously waved at me. Was a bit strange considering how estranged we’ve been these past five years. I smile and waved back, as I continued walking.



I am touched by your words dear Eagle.

I am considering my place among this board or perhaps even not on it at all. I do invest myself into things. And I loved the investment I made here. However, one cannot have it all. We all make sacrifices; be those known or not. For those lucky enough to be aware, they get to choose their sacrifice. I’ve only a finite and limited amount of my most precious resource - time. I not wish to neglect that most important to me. And yes, you and the dear folks here are upon my list of important to me. The destabilization of recent events notwithstanding.

That ultimately the best advice is to let them go, of course when you are ready. I myself have heard this advice from many people on this forum but it still took 3 years to completely let go.

Yep. It takes awhile. And is so freeing.

BUT I’M FINALLY THERE AND CLOSE TO BEING HEALED IN FULL

Excellent!

And I can see it within you. You are indeed whole and healed.

(((Hugs)))

D

[Eagle3]

Eagle, I'm happy to read this post from you. Great job! It's a marathon, not a sprint for sure.
xoxo

Yes indeed B, it sure is. But the knowledge and experience we have gained, even how painfull it all was, nobody can take that away from us.

[Eagle3]

You asked me about my retirement a few weeks ago. It’s awesome!

My kids and Mom picked me up at work for a surprise retirement party. A limo, a change of clothes, reservations for bowling, billiards, and then a fancy supper. What a fantastic time.

What a nice gesture from all of them. And even a fancy limo, no costs were spared for their loving father!!

With my now spare time, or more precisely my time, I’ve pruned trees, repaired the floor, worked around the yard, had meals with friends, watched movies and TV series, and on and on. What I want to do, when I want to do it, and if I want to do it. Ha, my cup runneth over.

As expected. Most retired people don't know how they used to go to work as they don't even have the time to do all the new activities going on. Good for you!

Interestingly, after the wedding, and before all the recent events here, I contacted J. I told her plainly how tongue tied I was regarding her accolades of me and apologized for being silent during our walk at the wedding. I then let her know that she did a fantastic job raising the kids and I never demonized nor diminished her efforts in their young lives. She thanked me, and again reiterated my qualities.

A week ago, I was walking through town to pick up my tractor from its oil change, and J pulled up to the pharmacy as I was walking by. She got out of her car a mere twenty feet away and smiled and vigorously waved at me. Was a bit strange considering how estranged we’ve been these past five years. I smile and waved back, as I continued walking.

I'm convinced this is a good way to go forward now. I too am being polite, I don't seek contact but when he does, which is fairly regular through messages, I always reply.
You know I never stopped having contact with him, only for a few months when his anger took the upper hand and his actions became destructive again.

I can so relate to your comment when the feeling arises of not knowing the other person anymore. You have lived together for so long, this person almost knew you better than you know yourself, and then there it is, completely estranged from each other. Until today I too still struggle a bit with that.

But I guess this will always be present since we already gave so many things a place now.

I am touched by your words dear Eagle.

I am considering my place among this board or perhaps even not on it at all. I do invest myself into things. And I loved the investment I made here. However, one cannot have it all. We all make sacrifices; be those known or not. For those lucky enough to be aware, they get to choose their sacrifice. I’ve only a finite and limited amount of my most precious resource - time. I not wish to neglect that most important to me. And yes, you and the dear folks here are upon my list of important to me. The destabilization of recent events notwithstanding.

I have spoken from the bottom of my heart. And I don't need to know more than what you write here. The most important thing for me is that you are happy and that I will hear from you from time to time. Your wisdom about MLC is invaluable so if you could find some time here and there to share that wisdom with other people who come here and as we know will be facing the most difficult time of their lives, this would be wonderful.

Enjoy the upcoming weekend, although for you it is always weekend now LOL!!!!

[Eagle3]

Good afternoon,

The last few weeks have again been quite busy and things will not improve in the near future.
I have decided to follow an additional education that fits very well with the work I currently do and which can offer added value in terms of salary. So 1 full day a week back to school and it also requires quite a lot of follow-up, so that, in addition to my work and the 3 children, I again have a fairly full agenda. But I'm happy to have taken that step.
I get to know new people again, and my brain learns something new. LOL

The children have all started school again and we are back to the normal regime. S18 is still a handful of work but luckily the good days are more frequent than the challenging days.

The contact with their father is also going well. In those every 2 weeks on Saturday afternoon that they are together, they quietly build back on a connection that was completely lost.

I also started cognitive behavioral therapy. And what a revelation that is to me. I can recommend this to everyone on this forum. You really get to work with yourself and get a lot out of this.

My relationship with EXH (I can say G again) is still going well. He has had 1 relapse since the end of June until now, but otherwise he remains stable and seems to be back to the way he was before his MLC. The relationship with his family seems to have completely recovered, he now sees his best friend on a regular basis and he has bought a house in the town we used to live in (just before BD he absolutely wanted to leave there, couldn't go fast enough as hated the town), the house he now bought there is even a mini version of the house we had there together. He also is back in contact with old colleagues, and finally also a very important person for him who completely blocked him since that person couldn't deal with him anymore, he will now see him again at the end of this month. With that man G had to try at least 6 or 7 times before he finally agreed to meet him again, and G didn't give up until he finally agreed. Talking about persistence...which of course is a good sign. Actions speak louder than words.

The past weeks he is very active with messages to me as well, this almost on a daily basis. Mostly about the children, the recent days more about personal things as well. He sends pictures of the home he bought. He even called just now and we were on the phone for 40 minutes talking about our daily lives. We can get along now like good acquaintances.
I don't have any expectations for a re-reconciliation anymore, I just want to build a normal friendly relationship.

He also knows very clearly that neither the kids nor I want anything to do with OW2, although it's not clear whether or not she's still in the picture, but I honestly don't need to know anymore. He takes this into account and keeps this completely separate from us.

I also had a car that he had taken over the beginning of this year, with the divorce. This car he bought just before BD, and was the car I always wanted since I was little.
The horrifying aspect was that he had let OW2 drive it these past months.
I honestly found this really difficult. But...it turns out that the car was sold last week.
This made me very happy. I prefer the car being sold rather than an OW driving it. LOL

I'm quite sure he is on his way to acceptance.
But acceptance doesn't mean he wants his old life back.
And the same counts for me, I don't want my old life back.

So much has happened, so much time has passed.
They ruin your life and you don't have another choice than to go through it and rebuilt it on your own, and then you realize that your new life is actually quite good, maybe even better than it was before BD.

The first 3 years I wanted reconciliation so badly, the past year this has slowly extinguished without me even realizing it.

That is why this quote has been very important to me this past year:
The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it...

Well, I'm prepared for the future now. Will inform you how it will evolve...

Have a good day xxx

[Eagle3]

Forgot to mention...he even has a new job since the beginning of September. Is partly his own business now (bought himself in in an already existing company) and seems happy in his new role.

Let's hope for the childrens' mind (and my own) we can move forward now in this positive way.