Yeah it was weird! I emailed my L to ask what I should do/wear/when I should show up and he said he/stbx's lawyer were talking behind the scenes and the date got moved, but on the plus side he said there was a chance we didn't have to go to court at all? He cc'd me on the email thread but honestly I struggle to make heads/tails of it.
I can't speak to Australia, but in America I think often the court date is a forcing-function on a compromise/agreement. No one wants to go to trial...not the plaintiff, defendant, lawyers, or judges - too much time and expense for something that's fairly dictated by statute anyway.
Originally Posted by Newborn
Bucket list is to scuba a shipwreck!! That's so cool you scuba! I've gone twice and it was fantastic.
I did an underwater ship in Grand Cayman but it was sunk on purpose - nothing too exotic. A dozen 6' long Black Tip Ocean Sharks off the coast of South Africa were incredible.
Originally Posted by Newborn
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Newborn
They'd go on family vacations multiple times per year: Italy, parts of the US, skiing, etc. I wasn't invited for about 6 years of this, including while we were engaged; it wasn't until we were married for a few years that I was invited.
For 6 years they went on family vacations - even while you were engaged - and didn't invite you? This is a major red flag. Lessons learned for the next relationship. Don't ever allow yourself to be treated as an outsider with someone you're committed to again.
Correct. And I agree - stbx used to get upset when I'd get upset about it; "that's not how my family works". I still remember how upset he was when I wasn't super excited to talk to him after he returned from Europe (we were engaged and he was living at my family's house at the time).
Bizarre, and should've been more concerning to you. Next time. Who knows if it really was his family that didn't want you, or if he just told you that and it was him - either way major red flag.
I don't know why I'm struggling with quotes today! Sorry BL for making you slog through my formatting.
Court date: I'm in the US, and agreed - thats what it seems like.
Travel: Yeah, I think it was mostly his mom, but I think in some ways he liked to have his family time. He and I were always really careful to have our own lives as well outside the relationship, but he did seem to sometimes prioritize others. He has this habit of glorifying or idealizing other people in a way that gets extreme. It's really hard to fully describe on here.
When he'd get mad about me being upset about the travel, I used to tell him how my friends all thought it was super bizarre and not ok, and he would then get even MORE mad about me being basically impressionable enough to get upset because of my friends saying it was weird. Our MC eventually told him it was easier for me to bring up that other people thought it was weird as well and it's more comfortable saying an outside perspective said it was weird than me, which tbh was another huge red flag - how I felt like I needed validation from others all the time. Of course that's on me too, I'll often seek validation from others for many reasons, but still.
Tbh BL42 I did call him back and apologize about the comment about vacations bc truly the conversaiton wasn't supposed to be about me. We had a 40 min chat about lots of stuff, including prior travel together, and the baby, and his cousin's wedding he had invited me to but I can't go to.
I think I wonder if he really is like a MLC/wayward husband? I mean it seems like everyone else's ex was just kind of super mean or distant, ex was at BD#1 but now seems basically...friendly but distant kind of? I dont' know if anyone else had exes that were sometimes bringing up happy things but still seeming like they don't care whatsoever if I move on/we get divorced.
Court date: I'm in the US, and agreed - thats what it seems like.
My mistake - it's AnnKay who was pregnant and living in Australia.
Originally Posted by Newborn
Travel: Yeah, I think it was mostly his mom, but I think in some ways he liked to have his family time. He and I were always really careful to have our own lives as well outside the relationship, but he did seem to sometimes prioritize others.
Having your own lives with personal hobbies and interests is good for a relationship, but 6 years of you being excluded from family vacations is a much different story.
Originally Posted by Newborn
Tbh BL42 I did call him back and apologize about the comment about vacations bc truly the conversaiton wasn't supposed to be about me. We had a 40 min chat about lots of stuff, including prior travel together, and the baby, and his cousin's wedding he had invited me to but I can't go to.
Only you know for sure, but it sounds to me like you might have been making an excuse to reach out and talk / stay close. If you need to discuss baby logistics and finances, that's one thing, but did the reminiscing about prior travel help your detachment? And why would he invite you to his cousin's wedding while you're divorcing? Seems odd.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Court date: I'm in the US, and agreed - thats what it seems like.
My mistake - it's AnnKay who was pregnant and living in Australia.
Originally Posted by Newborn
Travel: Yeah, I think it was mostly his mom, but I think in some ways he liked to have his family time. He and I were always really careful to have our own lives as well outside the relationship, but he did seem to sometimes prioritize others.
Having your own lives with personal hobbies and interests is good for a relationship, but 6 years of you being excluded from family vacations is a much different story.
Originally Posted by Newborn
Tbh BL42 I did call him back and apologize about the comment about vacations bc truly the conversaiton wasn't supposed to be about me. We had a 40 min chat about lots of stuff, including prior travel together, and the baby, and his cousin's wedding he had invited me to but I can't go to.
Only you know for sure, but it sounds to me like you might have been making an excuse to reach out and talk / stay close. If you need to discuss baby logistics and finances, that's one thing, but did the reminiscing about prior travel help your detachment? And why would he invite you to his cousin's wedding while you're divorcing? Seems odd.
Hey there! Sorry for the delay. Past few weeks have been nuts.
I dunno, in the past I think I would have tried to reach out just to talk to him, but it honestly doesn't feel that way anymore. In regards to why he invited me to his cousin's wedding, his cousins are kind of... Unique individuals and this wedding was a long time in the making. He said I deserve to go or something. I couldn't anyway because my best friend got married and it was really wonderful being with him and other people who have known me my whole life.
About 2 weeks ago my son had a little skin lesion that looked like a zit. I was keeping close eye on it, applying topical antibiotics and trying to do warm compresses, but it kept getting bigger and appeared to be not super painful and he had no fevers and was still eating well. I made a doctor's appointment after it wouldn't go away. However, the day after it seemed to drain, and the rash spread to his eye and it basically looked like an abscess. I called the x to let him know that I was going to the emergency department and he was welcome to join, but he told me he had therapy session in the morning and work meetings in the afternoon. I canceled my whole day of patients, some of whom have been waiting months to see me, and in response to his nonsense I just said "You know what, never mind, just have a normal day then"and hung up to get my son ready.
The ex called back a little later saying that now he was more awake and thought it would probably be good if he went. He offered to bring a coffee and I said yes, thank you.
It was kind of mind-blowing to hear him prattle on about work meetings and therapy sessions when I said I had to bring her son to the emergency department at 6:00 in the morning. But it is a little validating, when he does stuff like this it reminds me why I would get frustrated with him during the marriage, and remind me again this wasn't completely all my fault. It's still hard to break through that cycle you know?
Work's been a little crazy, mostly in a good way, but unfortunately not tons of time for GAL activites. I'm still doing dance lessons, the baby and I go on walks a couple times per week, and we even met up with some friends at the nearby winery last week. I asked the ex to watch the baby overnight Friday so I could get the house in order for my family at Thanksgiving. He also watched him so I could go to a medical society meeting.
I'll be going to a medical conference soon - really excited to see some friends and relax. My parents will watch the baby so I can have a fully reliable sitter although the ex has done a pretty good job of following through with coming by when I need him. Last weekend he was out with his friends in vegas so his aunt and uncle were kind enough to watch the baby so I could work at the hospital.
Overall, the GAL recs were spot on, and each day I'm realizing I don't even miss him anymore! I think I was driven mostly by fear before - fear of being alone, loneliness, unknown, raising a baby basically by myself, etc. Nobody should live with someone who makes them feel second best or like a big question mark. It's awful psychologically.
FYI, as an update this weekend: Ex took the baby saturday night per my request so I could go out with friends Sat night and also try to get the house in order before my family comes for Thanksgiving.
Today he tells me he's moving to another state. Like 5-6 hour flight away far. The one that his yoga studio is in.
I'm not entirely surprised but still shocked simultaneously. Kind of figured he'd be moving at some point but ugh - the worry about who will be there in case of emergency, etc. It's all very daunting.
Wow. 5-6 hours away from his own child? Did you finalize the divorce and custody yet? If not, get on that ASAP.
I'm sure it is daunting. How are you dealing with the news?
Thanks BL42 for writing back!
Dealing with it by talking with friends who say this may be good in the long run.
Yes, again, he has been doing the whole "I don't really want to be a parent" thing but still enjoying time with his son.
Divorce, custody is going through.I'm getting full legal/physical.
I barely have any emotional attachment to him anymore tbh, but I did ask him if it was about the girl he had a crush on when he asked for a divorce for the reason he is moving; he denied but honestly it doesn't matter and I was angry with myself for even asking. He's not even the same person I married/dated, just some babysitting ghost, but I'm anxious about what to do in case of emergency.
I messaged his aunt and uncle whom I'm very close with and live nearby, they said they would help out when I need to cover the hospital (and my nanny said she can work weekends too), but it's still such a scary time.
I know it seems awful not to have that backup - but honestly, he's not a reliable backup anyway, and it may be best for your child not to grow up with a father who is not interested in parenting and who could be such a bad influence.
My own 3 kids were raised in an intact home until the youngest was 17. I thought of my narcissistic ex as a good father - he took the kids camping, surfing etc., was reasonably involved. But as adults they have all told me about how his narcissism affected them. And their relationships with him as adults in their 30's are somewhat strained.
Put in place the help you need and don't count on him for anything (except make him pay his child support!). I hope you meet a wonderful man who might become the father figure your child deserves. My sister's ex-husband is referred to by my niece as her "sperm donor" because he was such a poor father. The man my sister remarried to is her "dad", the guy who went to all her games, supported her, taught her.
I know it seems awful not to have that backup - but honestly, he's not a reliable backup anyway, and it may be best for your child not to grow up with a father who is not interested in parenting and who could be such a bad influence.
My own 3 kids were raised in an intact home until the youngest was 17. I thought of my narcissistic ex as a good father - he took the kids camping, surfing etc., was reasonably involved. But as adults they have all told me about how his narcissism affected them. And their relationships with him as adults in their 30's are somewhat strained.
Put in place the help you need and don't count on him for anything (except make him pay his child support!). I hope you meet a wonderful man who might become the father figure your child deserves. My sister's ex-husband is referred to by my niece as her "sperm donor" because he was such a poor father. The man my sister remarried to is her "dad", the guy who went to all her games, supported her, taught her.
Thanks so much for the kind and thoughtful reply and for sharing your own history. That's really good to know that even with constant presence it can still be not the ideal situation. I'm glad you're there for your kids and they seem to have a really wonderful mom who serves as an amazing role model and parent.
I love this community because you all sound exactly like my friends and can give me such a nice outside view. My friend said the exact same thing, he's fairly unreliable and I shouldn't rely on him regardless. One of my friends and I joked he's kind of like a lemon of a car. You think it'll get you to work and then it konks out Right when you need it.
I think part of the problem now is just the thought spiral is beginning anew, the whole self-doubt and self blame and wondering how I could let this happen and blah blah blah. The exs best friend who I am actually friends with as well chatted with me for an hour yesterday. I called back after the ex dropped the bomb and the friend said he'd had no idea and was so disappointed and did tell me it was not all my fault from being at work so much which originally the ex told me was the problem. I know none of this matters, I need to focus on my son and myself but it's just 8,000 layers of craziness. Stupid roller coaster.
Sometimes I hope he'll wake up and realize how stupid he's being but for the most part I think he's just an insecure manchild who needs to feel important.
