Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,418
Likes: 129
B
Member
Online
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,418
Likes: 129
Samoy,

Good that you're in IC and working on all aspects of your life.

I'm not an expert in MLC and can't tell you about stages or help you work through the MLC process that perhaps some others here could, so hopefully they'll chime in.

It's just my take that regardless of whether your H has MLC or not - or what stage he's in - it could takes years for him to come around, so you're better off not spending your energy analyzing it and rather focus fully on your own self/life.

But maybe that's not the right take for you - it's only one person's opinion. Either way, I wish you the best through this difficult journey. Know that others here have gone through it. You're not alone and we're wishing you the best.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,524
Likes: 183
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,524
Likes: 183
Samoy, I've caught up and am wondering how you're doing?

I will add onto BL's wise words about MLC. I wanted to know where my husband was in him MLC because I was trying to figure out how long it would take for him to snap out of it and come home.

Cheeseless tunnel.

There are a couple of issues with that line of thinking:

1. Trying to track the MLCr's progress is impossible. While every MLCr seems to follow a similar pattern, the truth is each one of them has a different reason for their crisis, and each will travel their path in their own time. It's truly different for each person, so it's impossible to know how long any of it will last.

2. The more we focus on the MLCr, the less time and energy we have to do the ONE major thing which could get their attention: GAL of our own.

3. GAL for ourselves is vital to our mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing, especially while the MLCr is off in MLC land. GAL keeps us grounded, takes us out of the MLCr's chaos, gives us PEACE so we can sleep at night, to name a few things.

What I've learned is there's the hurt inflicted upon us by our spouse, then there's the steps we take to pick up where our spouse left off so we can inflict a whole lotta more pain upon ourselves. Don't do that.

xoxoxo

Last edited by bttrfly; 09/20/22 06:56 PM.

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
Joined: Jan 2022
Posts: 18
S
Samoy Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
S
Joined: Jan 2022
Posts: 18
Bttrfly,

I agree to focus on self. I have and am. From day 1 of BD, I didn't know about MLC. I knew something was seriously wrong. I gave him space. I give him space. He left. I have no idea where he's at nor have I asked.

I have watched his unresolves circle him and watched him restructure his trauma.

I didn't understand what was going on. I watched helplessly. I watched him go into the tunnel. I watched it suck him in before my eyes. I didn't know what was going on. I could have allotted him empathy. I didn't. I didn't know what I was watching.

I am not sure how else to say I am focused and focusing on myself. I am not sure how else to say this to everyone here.

I am here for understanding what my h is going through in Withdrawal or Late withdrawal. I am not here to talk about myself that is what my IC and friends are for.

I am not watching where he is. I would like to understand it so I can communicate with him where he is at when we communicate. I came here hoping to understand what he is going through for empathy. I know I can't stop it. I can get information to communicate effectively, hoping.

If I had understood when he was going into the tunnel, I would have been able to communicate with him on that platform.

I was and still am hoping someone can fill me in on what happens in Late Withdrawal.

I am not here to talk about myself. I have a great support group for that and they are doing a great job. I leveled up in my life since then and am moving to level up AGAIN. Moving forward.

All I am asking is for someone to help me understand what he is going through.

IF NO ONE HERE CAN EXPLAIN Withdrawal and LATE STAGE WITHDRAWAL, then maybe someone can say, we don't know specifics about what they are going through. We only talk about ourselves, because that is what I am getting.

Focus on you. Do you. Let's talk about you.

If you guys do not know, maybe someone can say that and I will be oh, ok. Thanks.

Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,807
Likes: 167
D
DnJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,807
Likes: 167
Hello Samoy

There are three stages post replay - depression, withdrawal, and acceptance.

The exiting of the replay stage happens with an awakening. The MLCer wakes up from their running and replaying and making up for lost time. They awaken to what they’ve done and when/where they are.

During replay the MLCer has been running and has not considered anything of their turmoil and trauma. That’s what the replay stage is after all - reliving all they feel they missed out on; replaying their young lives. As we know, this is an emotional crisis and the MLCer needs to grow up from when they were stunted by their long ago authority figure.

With running ceasing, and awaking to their actions and deeds, a dark depression envelopes them. Everything they’ve done, all the bridges burnt, the affairs, the divorce, the spending, the drink, the drugs, the spending, and so on; it all come to the surface. And it is realized that none of it fixed them! They see all their failure and feel worthless.

Make no mistake, this is a dark and terrible burden they now have upon their shoulders. Extreme guilt and shame will consume them. They will have no or very little self respect. This is a grim path indeed. Unlike depression from other loss and grief (like a death), this cause is from their own hand; for they did all this.

They must brood and will spend much time silent and pondering. Many many hours may be spent looking out a window while they mull over things in their head.

This is a crisis. A terrible path not one would wish upon anyone. No one can fix this for the MLCer. No one can drag them out of this funk. The MLCer will find their way, or they won’t.

For those that do find the courage and strength to face their deeds and their pain, they enter withdrawal. This is the first time since way back when they were triggered and started down their crisis path that they actual face their pain and torment again.

This is the time for their deep introspection. Their deep look at how and why they did and could do all that they did. The reasons for why they feel like they do. This leg of their journey is very covert.

This stage will make or break them. Some rebel against what they know they need to do. Hopefully, they do realize the eventuality of things and do what needs to be done - rebuilding damaged and destroyed connections to their life and the people in their life.

Their lifting out of withdrawal heralds the entering of the final stage - acceptance. Like all stages there is no well defined delimitation boundary; one stage nebulously bleeds into the next. The start of acceptance is much like the exiting of withdrawal, coming face to face with the damage done to their lives, marriage, spouse, kids, etc; just more so, and not withering from it, nor running from it. In fact, accepting it.

Here is when a standing spouse’s inner work is fully tested. No judgements. No damning. No blaming. Support and allowing them the time and space to traverse this as they must.

Remember all the running behaviours were just a symptom of the crisis, not the crisis itself. The MLCer having reconciled their deeds, now reconciled their once hidden past and pain and trauma. They finally reconcile and accept their tortured past and the crisis.

There is will be mini rebellious moments, much like a teenager becoming an adult. For that is kind of what is going on.

Eventually the MLCer will settle and become comfortable in their own skin. Things will have changed for them. Internal convictions and beliefs will be altered.

For those that can walk their entire journey, the anguish they have lived with and endured for their crisis will now be gone. Their lives will have a marked peace about them. Their lives will be changed permanently, and they will never ever be the same again.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,524
Likes: 183
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,524
Likes: 183
Originally Posted by Samoy
I was and still am hoping someone can fill me in on what happens in Late Withdrawal.

I am not here to talk about myself. I have a great support group for that and they are doing a great job. I leveled up in my life since then and am moving to level up AGAIN. Moving forward.

All I am asking is for someone to help me understand what he is going through.

IF NO ONE HERE CAN EXPLAIN Withdrawal and LATE STAGE WITHDRAWAL, then maybe someone can say, we don't know specifics about what they are going through. We only talk about ourselves, because that is what I am getting.

Focus on you. Do you. Let's talk about you.

If you guys do not know, maybe someone can say that and I will be oh, ok. Thanks.

We ask people to focus on themselves rather than the MLCr for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that often when the MLCr notices that their spouse is focused elsewhere they get a little bit of a shake up from their self-absorption and it can sometimes move them forward a bit.

MLC is the worst of the worst, imho. Every MLCr's timetable and process is different and there's no guarantee that the MLCr will ever complete the process and come out of the tunnel on the other side.

Also this is not a linear process. They often take one step forward and many steps back. We ask people to focus on themselves because it's a lot less painful for the LBS than trying to ride the bucking bronco of MLC.

Some helpful reading:
* The MLC chapter in Divorce Remedy (MWD's book)

Cadet's getting started thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2936150#Post2936150

Anything by Amy C (former MLCr)
Anything from Sandi

Question: What indications has your husband shown that he is in late withdrawal? Knowing some behavioral examples might prompt more responses.

I do caution against trying to mind read to try to figure them out. Often an MLCr has no idea why they're doing what they're doing. My exh admitted to that on more than one occasion. Hope this helps you.

Last edited by bttrfly; 09/22/22 07:59 PM.

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
Joined: Jan 2022
Posts: 18
S
Samoy Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
S
Joined: Jan 2022
Posts: 18
bttfly, thank you

Joined: Jan 2022
Posts: 18
S
Samoy Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
S
Joined: Jan 2022
Posts: 18
Bttfly: He moved out in May 2021. He goes back and forth from wherever "he is staying." Those were his words the only time he's mentioned moving out. I never asked where or etc...let him be.

After our last court appearance, he wrote me a scathing letter calling me all kinds of names and threatening to do something that would have made me feel unsafe. He knows full well my hurt and that would be a trigger. I didn't respond. I remained neutral. Did not protest.

He's since "postponed" that threat for a later date.

I don't think he was emotionally engaged at work and I think he was on some form of probation, as when he was home the normal work engagements stopped for a year.

After that trip, he seems to have re-engaged with work activities. Something happened, I believe, at that function that shook him.

I know about OW because like Hansel and Gretel he intentionally left clues. I did not bite. I know she's a symptom and refuse to give her and the fam any fuel.

He hasn't been the same since that work function, meaning as angry, mean and etc... He monstered me once, however, the main person(s) that triggers him was around. I remained calm in the situation and diffused it and by the time I left home, I saw empathy, anchor check/touch, and go.

The trigger person set up that scenario to trigger me. I heard their conversation and her pushing him to do it. I didn't bite.

He says hello to me more and he looks me more in the eyes or maybe I've started to look at him more as my life is moving and growing with God's rays of sunshine in the storm.

When I ask him the only question I ask in the morning when he is here, he responded, what's the word I am looking for...he didn't make me feel like I was annoying him. I didn't want to bolt after asking him. He said he needed to do it quickly and that's it. I didn't feel for the first time like I wanted to run in the opposite direction or bathroom and cry. I DIDN'T GET IN MY CAR AND CRY from the exchange, different.

Not sure if it is him or me.

He used to come home 3-4 days a week. He's gone more. I feel the lack of his presence. He shifted his routine.

August/September bills are piling up. It's not like him to miss two months in not paying or going through the bills.

In the last text he sent me about a month ago, he used the word "we" and he is very careful with his pronouns, very deliberate to not use any "we, or us," in years. I didn't respond to his text as it was more information than a question and I am very careful to not do any pushes.

He engages with our pet more.

I am all over the place with this. When he was here last, he was doing something that is very special to me, very. I didn't respond. Not sure if I was supposed to. This is the 2nd time he did this.

Not being specific to not tell on the net who I am. I hope you understand.

Time before last I walked into our bedroom and he hid his body from me. He wasn't naked. He had on clothes. He was about to try on clothes. I complimented him. He looked embarrassed. Like a kid, so vulnerable. I was confused, and hurt and wanted to protect him. I know this is his journey. I left the room and said nothing.

The last time he was home he was walking around with only his underwear on. I haven't seen him like that in way over a year, if not two, only in his underwear.

I actually heard him engage in a work call. First time in over a year last week. It felt like the man I used to know. It struck me that I hadn't heard that exchange in over a year. That used to be the norm. It stopped when MLC started.

I got used to the quiet or his monster overpowered the lack of work engagement.

I see he's trying to re-engage with work. I don't expect him back for 1-2 weeks if he does come it will be mid-week, I don't expect him to come home as I know things are upcoming in the next two weeks.

It is quiet. I feel that when he comes back, he will come back with the fury of a storm as things are churning within and around him out there.

Hope you can shed some light to help me prepare for when he comes back to stay the course and not get sucked into his circus, because it is a circus out there, full of clowns.

Thanks for any and all the help you can shed and enlighten.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,549
Likes: 111
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,549
Likes: 111
In the welcome post that Job posted above, there is a link for

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance

Maybe start there...

Good luck...

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,524
Likes: 183
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 5,524
Likes: 183
Samoy thank you for your post. That's a lot to unpack and I'd be very confused by some of his behaviors as well. I've read it through a couple of times and my conclusion is that Mach's suggestion is a really good one. Check back in here after you read that link ... I think some of your questions will be answered through the reading - asking you to check back in because I think you'll have other questions after you've read it completely.

We're here for you.

Hope this helps.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
1 member likes this: Samoy
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 372
Likes: 31
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 372
Likes: 31
Hi Samoy,

Just wanted to let you know that it might be interesting for you to read my story. There you can clearly see that my ex-H made progress very regularly and you could sometimes even distinguish the different stages he went through, but eventually to return completely to the former stages again, something that is also made clear here by the people who have a lot of knowledge of MLC, namely that the stages are not linear at all, so the bottom line is that you can never know in which phase of the process your H is.

For me the message was 'letting go completely' and living a life of my own, this apart from him. This has not only brought me happiness again, but also put a complete stop on the constant eager to analyze him.

The first 3 years I sincerely thought that we would definitely reconcile but the last 6 months I don't need a reconciliation anymore.

It is however ultimately his process and he and he alone can make sure he can fully get through it, which I sincerely hope for him.

I know how confusing it can be when they show signs of making progress. Please just read it and I think you'd better understand what I wanted to say here.

Take care!


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - 08/22 OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
07/22 - moved to new home - new life ahead!
1 member likes this: bttrfly
Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard