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I’m not going to get a chance to see Batman either.

I do hate that we are getting together under these circumstances. But I can’t wait to see you and honor her

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G....wish it was under different circumstances..but so glad I will get to see you.

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It's been a while...

A lot has happened , yet nothing has really happened.

We had K's service up north earlier this month. It was a mixed bag of tricks. Her Father completely tried to take over the weekend, boundaries had to be put in place, and in the end ? It was a beautiful service and memorial for her in a place that she absolutely loved. Her spirit was with me and everyone that was there to support me. Thank you to ALL that were there either with me, or merely in spirit with me.

Coming home on Thursday was hard, dealing with the somewhat finality of things, and fulfilling my promise to her, it seemed so final, yet I felt an almost peace from within. Like for the first time since she passed, I was able to breath, and know without a doubt that I was going to be okay.

Friday morning was actually a good morning even though I went back to work. I got a call around noon , from my step-sister, that my Father wasn't doing well. I had tried calling him several times over the past couple weeks and just thought that I had terrible timing, when in actuality, he and my Step-Mother had been living with my step-sister. Her and I have a not so great history together even though we have been "siblings" for over 40 years now. It was an almost scolding call , to "inform" me that his care nurse had recommended that he go on Hospice. So I was back out the door in a week to head to the mountains to see him. I had a talk with the universe and told it that if it was best for him to hang on until I got there, then I would be thankful. If it were best for him to leave before I got there, then I wanted was was best for him.

I've spent the past several years having to make peace with the fact that when I left there, it could possibly be the last time I got to hug him goodbye, and see him with my own eyes. It hasn't been easy, yet I seem to find that within myself every damned time. It is the price that I have paid for raising my children and living my life in an area that had good schools, and jobs that paid over minimum wage, where not only I , but they had a chance to have a normal life. There, you either have a job in the mines, or a chemical plant, and the rest are minimum wage. It took years to be able to embrace my heritage and celebrate that I was from there without it looking like I was better than everyone else for leaving. Because I am not...I am just different, and have made different choices in my life that have allowed for a different path.

Many of the things that were ingrained into me culturally, were the very things that I fought against in my "fight for self" several years ago. Something that apparently hasn't been lost on my Son or Daughter. My Son made the 6 hour drive with me, and we talked about a lot of stuff from his past, and the process of DBing, and my "fight". It was more about where he is now as a young man trying to find himself. He is almost 22 now, and was 8 when all of this started. A LOT about his relationship with his Mother and her Partner, how he feels/felt about things. It was incredibly insightful and I listened and was supportive of him. He feels like he has no relationship with her, and merely tolerates him. That she isn't capable of anything deep and meaningful in her life, and only can emotionally handle something superficial in her life, and that includes he and his Sister. I told him that it was something that only he can talk through with her, and even if it failed, he had made the effort.

He told me that his Sister feels exactly the same, yet her and I go through strained periods of our relationship. Mostly because she struggles so hard to have that with her Mother, and the bottom line is, when they are doing okay (albeit superficially) then she gives all of her effort there, and I tend to fall away. It is a strange dynamic for sure.

My Father passed this past Thursday afternoon, a day before I got there to see him. He and I have had an amazing relationship over the past 25 years or so. There is nothing unsaid between us. There has been forgiveness, healing, tears, laughs, and a bond that will last me for the rest of my lifetime. I have zero regrets or guilt over our relationship. He went through periods of our life where he was an amazing Father for me, and he was human, so we each had not so shining moments together. I am thankful most for those times, because the love was always there, and they guided us to the later relationship that we shared. My last words to him were that I couldn't have asked for a better Father for me, and I am proud to call him my Dad....

83, warm in bed, his wife of 40 years by his side....When it's my time, I feel like that's the way to go...

Family dynamics have been proving tougher for me. The most difficult is becoming the promise that I made to my Father that I would make sure that my step-Mother was taken care of. The dynamics between my sisters is going to be what it is.

Every time I return from there, I feel as if there is some "baggage" that I need to unpack from my past. And that is where I find myself . Trying to sort through everything that I am compared to who I was when I lived there. I had spent most of my time there feeling like I was an outsider, and merely there for cosmetic reasons, and to support everyone else around me. I hadn't wanted to create any drama, yet eventually, I came to a point where I broke away from things and did what I had to do while I was there. Nobody had been to their house since his Hospice intake, and they didn't want anyone to go there just yet. Not an easy feeling being kept away from the home I grew up in. I felt as if it was their way of "running" from the emotion of everything. I know that every one deals with grief in their own way, yet I felt as if I was respectful of them, and nobody was respecting me. I've come accustomed to it over the years, and found my way of dealing with it. I spent about an hour on their front porch, and my Father and I had one last good talk....

Sometimes it is possible that I expect the same level of emotional maturity in return to what I try to give. And just possibly, they simply aren't capable of giving it back. I have to accept that...

I did get a warm message from my Ex last week. Saying that she is sorry for the crappy year that I've had. Just a simple reply that I appreciated it, and it meant a lot.

IF you made it this far, you win a puppy...Just typing most of that allows me to see where I am, and possibly where I am headed to.

Thanks to G, UR, B-lady, Rich63 (and the latino K) and Cadet( and the other) for being there for K's service and holding me up when I needed it. I always part wishing that we had more time to spend together. I did get to spend some time with the Tutu wearin Batman. My time there was special fior various reasons, and pretty crappy for various reasons. I think though, that is just what life is. Moments of crappy and moments of special. I kind of like that I can tell the difference most days. : )

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Mach1,

Very sorry to hear about your dad's passing, but what a wonderful set of last words you got to say to him and glad you're at peace with it. It must be very difficult to lose two people so important in your life in a single year. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.


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Mach sorry for your loss.

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My condolences Mach.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Mach1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by BL42
Mach1,

Very sorry to hear about your dad's passing, but what a wonderful set of last words you got to say to him and glad you're at peace with it. It must be very difficult to lose two people so important in your life in a single year. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Thanks B..means a lot....Same with you LH. I know I give you schidt a lot...

I do respect you guys and the path that you are walking....

D.....nice to have you back...

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I was honored to hold space for you my friend, and to offer whatever help I could. I'm so sorry you've lost your dad. You need a do-over year, or at the very least a better 2023.

As always, you know where to find me.

xo


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BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

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Condolences and prayers to you Mach1
You have endured so much , you are an inspiration to all..


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
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Hey there.

You're really having a go aren't you?

My condolences for your Dad. How amazing and special that the things that are important were openly shared. I can only imagine his sense of pride at your choices to do better for yourself and your kids. Raising a child to be a good person and make their own way in the world... smile

Quote
He feels like he has no relationship with her, and merely tolerates him. That she isn't capable of anything deep and meaningful in her life, and only can emotionally handle something superficial in her life, and that includes he and his Sister. I told him that it was something that only he can talk through with her, and even if it failed, he had made the effort.

He told me that his Sister feels exactly the same, yet her and I go through strained periods of our relationship. Mostly because she struggles so hard to have that with her Mother, and the bottom line is, when they are doing okay (albeit superficially) then she gives all of her effort there, and I tend to fall away. It is a strange dynamic for sure.

Your son could make the effort and he could decide it isn't worth the effort to him. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it is possible. I imagine there is a lot of pain involved in feeling like your Mom, only tolerates you. No disrespect intended.

I've been told, I was the "safe" one and I think you are too. The one that is steadfast and available. Because of that we can be left to the side a bit because they know we'll be there.The effort being spent in trying to forge something with her Mom, might feel overwhelming.

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The most difficult is becoming the promise that I made to my Father that I would make sure that my step-Mother was taken care of.

Do you know what this looks like? Are there very specific things or more interpretive? Are you able to and take care of yourself? I know you're awesome, but you gotta put your oxygen mask on first.

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