Stuck in limbo III

[LH19]

Been a little while since I posted. I was given a few more responsibilities at work (fortunately a commensurate pay bump as well) and have been busy AF. A nice measuring stick for me is that work was fairly chill last spring when my home situation was spiraling, but I could barely get stuff done with the wheels turning in my head. Now, I feel much more attuned to job duties...I guess mainly a passage of time thing with my situation.

So...about that. Things have mostly gone well at home since my last post. I'm almost tempted to repeat my sentiments about W softening except that I'm not a mind-reader, and of course it's a marathon and not a sprint. The whole "us sleeping together in the same bed might be the next domino to fall" thing never materialized. We've definitely talked more around the house and I want to say she's texted more as well.

Only chink in the armor are some thoughts I've had about not knowing what's going on and wondering if trust can be rebuilt. LH, I know you wrote "Who gives a fuch what W is up to - live your best life." Should I not be concerned how much cake-eating might be going on while I've dropped the rope? I don't say that from a place of trying to control W, but to not get taken advantage of. I do feel like if W somehow said she'd secured a place to live and was leaving tomorrow, I'd be ok staying in the house with the kids. I certainly wouldn't have typed that 4 months ago.

To that point, I re-read "Carol's" situation in DR a few times, mainly the part about how Carol thought her husband should be the one trying to win her back, not the other way around. I know in my case, W had at a minimum an EA with (I suspect) someone from her past, and I'm not positive if we're talking past or present (ongoing) tense. So, again...I've had some nagging thoughts about "what am I trying to save here"?

Can anyone relate to this in their own situation?

So Doug I have hindsight on my side so it is easy for me to say now. Your W should be the one trying to win you back but that is unlikely to happen anytime soon. If you want to save the marriage and you guys live continue to live together than there is likely to be cake eating. I let my exw cake eat when it benefited the kids or I was getting something out of it. By I was resigned to the fact that I was getting divorced and nothing was going to stop it.

[Doug54]

Thanks, BL42. I think my biggest struggle at this point is the pendulum swinging back and forth between "Why do I want to work things out with a cheater?" and "I can forgive and move on and we have a history and children."

I do recall telling my IC that if W snapped out of this MLC bullshyt (and I felt satisfied that there was nothing going on with anyone else), I actually felt it could have been an overall positive thing for the MR evolving.

Hard to say what the future holds, though.

[Doug54]

So Doug I have hindsight on my side so it is easy for me to say now. Your W should be the one trying to win you back but that is unlikely to happen anytime soon. If you want to save the marriage and you guys continue to live together than there is likely to be cake eating. I let my exw cake eat when it benefited the kids or I was getting something out of it. By I was resigned to the fact that I was getting divorced and nothing was going to stop it.

LH, I can't help but wonder if the difference in our situations (other than that mine is still evolving and yours played out years ago) is that my W may well not have formally made up her mind to bolt - yet, but may still be EA'ing...whereas your W had her mind made up but wasn't in an affair at that point. With much cake being eaten all around.

[LH19]

LH, I can't help but wonder if the difference in our situations (other than that mine is still evolving and yours played out years ago) is that my W may well not have formally made up her mind to bolt - yet, but may still be EA'ing...

If she is still EAing zero percent chance she recommits to the marriage.

whereas your W had her mind made up but wasn't in an affair at that point.

It is not in my story but I found out a couple years ago she was having an A when she filed.

With much cake being eaten all around.

Not much you can do about not serving cake on a platter when you are trying to reconcile and don't know if she is in an affair.

[BL42]

LH, I can't help but wonder if the difference in our situations (other than that mine is still evolving and yours played out years ago) is that my W may well not have formally made up her mind to bolt - yet, but may still be EA'ing...

If she is still EAing zero percent chance she recommits to the marriage.

I'm no psychologist, but there are a lot of resources online which will address the differences between men and women who are having affairs and potentially breaking up their marriages. One major one seems to be while men worry more about the physical (E.g., "Phew! At least they haven't' slept together yet."), while women are much more concerned about the emotional. Not always obviously, but in the majority of EAs the woman is much likely to be "done" with the relationship/marriage than a man in a PA. Again, I'm not an authority but that's when I've read quite a bit online and anecdotally that seems how it plays out for the most part on this board.

Bottom line...don't take the EA light and think you're in the clear because "at least it might not be a PA".

[PeterB]

Bottom line...don't take the EA light and think you're in the clear because "at least it might not be a PA".

Absolutely. For a woman, EA is the [censored]. PA might happen later but a woman's EA is far more damaging than a man's PA because men come back after PA. Otoh women do not tend to come back to someone they have emotionally disinvested (final act of disinvestment being the EA). Eventually, if a woman's EA is followed by PA then it is like a death knell to the MR as it destroys commitment (to reconciliation) from both sides.

[Doug54]

Have many on these forums ever felt like pulling the plug on their own situation? I dunno, I'm 99 percent sure W is grappling with a MLC (and supposedly you can't rush those) but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting away the part of my life that misses female companionship. To be sure, W and I still live together, still talk every day (though not what I would necessarily call substantially), still sleep together. But we haven't done anything that could be called a date in ages. Not that I'm bringing that subject up. Am I supposed to wait around forever?

She also inhales her phone every night from like 9-11 under the guise of "schoolwork." Yeah there's some computer work in that category that's legitimate, but there's also ample time and opportunity to be texting a dude. I stopped outwardly caring a while back, but again the amount of potential cake-eating without sunlight at the end of the tunnel gives me pause.

It's not that I haven't been trying to keep up with GAL, just sort of questioning how long one trudges on. To be clear, I haven't brought up any relationship discussions or fallen off the train of DB techniques. Things aren't bad in the house aside from being a little "boring" if you don't count the whims of three rambunctious boys. LH, maybe I should get myself into an intoxicating EA like you had to maybe match whatever W had or has going on.

[BL42]

Doug54,

Have many on these forums ever felt like pulling the plug on their own situation?

It seems somewhat common from reading this forum for folks to waiver on that.

I dunno, I'm 99 percent sure W is grappling with a MLC (and supposedly you can't rush those) but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting away the part of my life that misses female companionship.

It's coming up on a year you discovered the EA? You're likely going to have to steel your resolve and be a lot more patient if you want things to work out in your marriage.

To be sure, W and I still live together, still talk every day (though not what I would necessarily call substantially), still sleep together. But we haven't done anything that could be called a date in ages. Not that I'm bringing that subject up.

I can't recall your status. Sounds like limbo? Is she talking about separation / D? Any positive signs?

Am I supposed to wait around forever?

Only you can answer that. If you're resolved to save your marriage you're going to have to be extremely patient.

She also inhales her phone every night from like 9-11 under the guise of "schoolwork." Yeah there's some computer work in that category that's legitimate, but there's also ample time and opportunity to be texting a dude.

Insistent texting and phone hiding is probably the #1 sign of an affair these days. She is almost certainly texting the guy you discovered her EA with...or someone new. I would bet my paycheck on it. My ExW would text non-stop when we were in the same room and she'd tell me it was her girlfriend. She'd text in bed while "putting my son to sleep". She'd text in the bathroom for way longer than you should need the bathroom. She was even texting for his advice while we were both in the bathroom when then-S4 had a medical thing going on...etc, etc. It's way more obvious than thy realize - or they simply don't care - and your gut here is almost certainly correct.

It's not that I haven't been trying to keep up with GAL, just sort of questioning how long one trudges on.

"It's a marathon, not a sprint." LBSs (myself included) grossly underestimate the realistic timeline on these things initially.

To be clear, I haven't brought up any relationship discussions or fallen off the train of DB techniques. Things aren't bad in the house aside from being a little "boring" if you don't count the whims of three rambunctious boys.

Good.

LH, maybe I should get myself into an intoxicating EA like you had to maybe match whatever W had or has going on.

Hopefully you're kidding. That is a terrible idea, and would certainly not help your marriage.

[LH19]

Have many on these forums ever felt like pulling the plug on their own situation?

Yep. My guess is every single person here at one point or another felt like pulling the plug.

I dunno, I'm 99 percent sure W is grappling with a MLC (and supposedly you can't rush those) but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting away the part of my life that misses female companionship.

Come on bro. I spent 10 months during Covid w/o female companionship and I didn't shrivel up and die.

To be sure, W and I still live together, still talk every day (though not what I would necessarily call substantially), still sleep together.

Ok. I did this for a two and a half years and am still alive.

But we haven't done anything that could be called a date in ages. Not that I'm bringing that subject up. Am I supposed to wait around forever?

No. I would start to think about a drop dead date.

She also inhales her phone every night from like 9-11 under the guise of "schoolwork." Yeah there's some computer work in that category that's legitimate, but there's also ample time and opportunity to be texting a dude.

I am sure that is what she is doing. If you want and need proof there are ways to find out.

I stopped outwardly caring a while back, but again the amount of potential cake-eating without sunlight at the end of the tunnel gives me pause.

Pause for what?

It's not that I haven't been trying to keep up with GAL, just sort of questioning how long one trudges on. To be clear, I haven't brought up any relationship discussions or fallen off the train of DB techniques.

Excellent!

Things aren't bad in the house aside from being a little "boring" if you don't count the whims of three rambunctious boys.

You could have it a lot worse. Have you read about Peter B's wife?

LH, maybe I should get myself into an intoxicating EA like you had to maybe match whatever W had or has going on.

Well Doug if you read what I wrote it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It's hard to want to hold my ex accountable for her actions when my side of the road isn't clean.

You need to decide if you are in or you are out right now. Do you want to be able to tell your kids one day that you did everything you could to keep your family together?

[Mach1]

Been waiting for this one to pop up....

Have many on these forums ever felt like pulling the plug on their own situation? I dunno, I'm 99 percent sure W is grappling with a MLC (and supposedly you can't rush those) but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting away the part of my life that misses female companionship. To be sure, W and I still live together, still talk every day (though not what I would necessarily call substantially), still sleep together. But we haven't done anything that could be called a date in ages. Not that I'm bringing that subject up. Am I supposed to wait around forever?

This isn't tit for tat here..

YOU burn every ounce of fuel that you have inside of you....every day, then you recharge and begin anew tomorrow...

Quitting now allows you to be a victim of her behavior. And that doesn't sound like you....

She carried this marriage on her back for how long ??

And you want to give up after a few months ?

Puss

: )

She also inhales her phone every night from like 9-11 under the guise of "schoolwork." Yeah there's some computer work in that category that's legitimate, but there's also ample time and opportunity to be texting a dude. I stopped outwardly caring a while back, but again the amount of potential cake-eating without sunlight at the end of the tunnel gives me pause.

Who gives a flying fcku what she's doing...

What are YOU doing ??

You make your way through this with your GAL....

You also get through this by spending an enormous amount of time inside of your own head...

You own your crap, you work through the 'sting' moments, you invest in things that complete you.

You don't let her actions define who you want to be....

You act "as if" everything is going to work out the way you hope that it will.

I always knew without a doubt, that my situation would work out the way that I wanted it to. Right up until I decided later that it wouldn't. And THAT was still my decision....

What goals do you have for you. Not the marriage......YOU ???

What are you doing differently than you have in the past ??

Because 'standing' doesn't mean standing still, and with that mindset, you are simply 'waiting'...

It's not that I haven't been trying to keep up with GAL, just sort of questioning how long one trudges on. To be clear, I haven't brought up any relationship discussions or fallen off the train of DB techniques. Things aren't bad in the house aside from being a little "boring" if you don't count the whims of three rambunctious boys. LH, maybe I should get myself into an intoxicating EA like you had to maybe match whatever W had or has going on.

DO NOT let her off the hook for this...



Same thing we discussed a while back....

You are either in, or you are out.

You said then, that you were in, so I am going to treat you like you are in...

What does it mean to you to be above reproach ???




I would hate for you to be sitting on your porch down the road, wondering "if only".....