Hi Everyone, I am new here and looking for support. I have just ordered Divorce Remedy and want to be well in this extremely challenging time and hope to not do harm.
My wife (we have been married more than 25 years and been through a lot -lots of family pain as well as lots of joy) blindsided me this summer with not wanting to be married anymore and moved out. I understand she has been (might still be) in an affair of some sorts but she has told me that she is not ready to talk about it. I have stopped bringing it up and have been working at giving her lots of time and space.
We have adult children (our youngest is in college and lives with me) and grandchildren. Our kids are really struggling with my Wayward Wife’s (WW) abrupt change in behaviour, attitude and treatment of me. And I am really going through the pain as of late - trying not to suppress or run from my emotions and needs.
I am receiving treatment for workplace mental/psychological injury (ptsd) presently and seeing a lot of benefit and healing personally but the emotional pain I have with the disconnect, betrayal, disrespect and abandonment from my wife is extremely heavy and the lack of clarity and honesty from her is excruciating given the ptsd.
Thanks for reading - looking forward to learning from and with you.
Welcome. Sorry to hear about your situation, but glad you're here. This forum has many people who have gone through similar stories and want to help.
Originally Posted by Rockon
My wife (we have been married more than 25 years and been through a lot -lots of family pain as well as lots of joy) blindsided me this summer with not wanting to be married anymore and moved out.
25 years is a long time. It must be extremely difficult. I'm sure it feels like you were blindsided, but looking back on the last few months or years are you able to see any signs of when or how things changed? What problems were you having in your marriage?
Originally Posted by Rockon
I understand she has been (might still be) in an affair of some sorts but she has told me that she is not ready to talk about it.
An affair is very common in situations here. Do you suspect a particular person? Often times your gut is right.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I have stopped bringing it up and have been working at giving her lots of time and space.
That's good. It's very hard for newcomers to do this but it's best not to pursue, pressure, and smoother them. Starting moving away from her in the other direction.
Originally Posted by Rockon
And I am really going through the pain as of late - trying not to suppress or run from my emotions and needs. Understandable you're going through pain. Good you're not suppressing it. You need to feel and let it out to process. Just make sure you're expressing it to a friend or counselor and not your W.
[quote=Rockon]I am receiving treatment for workplace mental/psychological injury (ptsd) presently and seeing a lot of benefit and healing personally
This treatment is for something that happened at work, or it's a counselor through a work assistance program to help with the marital situation?
Originally Posted by Rockon
but the emotional pain I have with the disconnect, betrayal, disrespect and abandonment from my wife is extremely heavy and the lack of clarity and honesty from her is excruciating given the ptsd.
This is one of the most difficult situations a person can deal with in life. But you WILL get through it. Trust me. Hang in there.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Welcome. Sorry to hear about your situation, but glad you're here. This forum has many people who have gone through similar stories and want to help. Thank you for welcoming me here.
Originally Posted by Rockon
My wife (we have been married more than 25 years and been through a lot -lots of family pain as well as lots of joy) blindsided me this summer with not wanting to be married anymore and moved out.
25 years is a long time. It must be extremely difficult. I'm sure it feels like you were blindsided, but looking back on the last few months or years are you able to see any signs of when or how things changed? What problems were you having in your marriage?
Extremely difficult, confusing, frustrating and painful. And yes I have reflected and it was no secret that we were suffering as a family and in our marriage. I have taken responsibility for the ways that I contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. The collective trauma that we suffered together in our family and the impact of my workplace injury really took a massive toll.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I understand she has been (might still be) in an affair of some sorts but she has told me that she is not ready to talk about it.
An affair is very common in situations here. Do you suspect a particular person? Often times your gut is right.
I do suspect a person who is long distance but I am worried that W has made plans or is considering travelling to be with him.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I have stopped bringing it up and have been working at giving her lots of time and space.
That's good. It's very hard for newcomers to do this but it's best not to pursue, pressure, and smoother them. Starting moving away from her in the other direction.
I am trying but we have a lot of ongoing connections - family etc.
Originally Posted by Rockon
And I am really going through the pain as of late - trying not to suppress or run from my emotions and needs. Understandable you're going through pain. Good you're not suppressing it. You need to feel and let it out to process. Just make sure you're expressing it to a friend or counselor and not your W.
Yes I am expressing it to C - both W and I have IC and we have discussed possible MC - she recently texted me a particular MC she would be open to - I replied favourably then she got scared - told me she is worried that us going to MC would catapult us to a final decision on our marriage. I am not expressing the pain to her.
She told me a while ago that she noticed that I have been thriving without her - did I mention that she has moved out - and she told me that she has also told her friends that I am thriving without her. Truth is I am also suffering tremendously but I am accessing support network of faithful solid friends, exercising, working with my treatment team etc. She has shared recently that she is not doing well - very stressed, lost friends, her living situation is stressful, etc.I responded that I can appreciate his difficult it is and that I care.
[quote=Rockon]I am receiving treatment for workplace mental/psychological injury (ptsd) presently and seeing a lot of benefit and healing personally
This treatment is for something that happened at work, or it's a counselor through a work assistance program to help with the marital situation?
Yes arising from traumatic injury sustained in my work. I compartmentalized in treatment at first but then I came to the point of f* it I need to get this all of my chest and talk about it all and gain some integrated support.
Originally Posted by Rockon
but the emotional pain I have with the disconnect, betrayal, disrespect and abandonment from my wife is extremely heavy and the lack of clarity and honesty from her is excruciating given the ptsd.
This is one of the most difficult situations a person can deal with in life. But you WILL get through it. Trust me. Hang in there.
Ok this quoting and replying is a bit cumbersome and unfamiliar to me I left this part out:
Yes I am expressing it to C - both W and I have IC and we have discussed possible MC - she recently texted me a particular MC she would be open to - I replied favourably then she got scared - told me she is worried that us going to MC would catapult us to a final decision on our marriage. I am not expressing the pain to her.
She told me a while ago that she noticed that I have been thriving without her - did I mention that she has moved out - and she told me that she has also told her friends that I am thriving without her. Truth is I am also suffering tremendously but I am accessing support network of faithful solid friends, exercising, working with my treatment team etc. She has shared recently that she is not doing well - very stressed, lost friends, her living situation is stressful, etc.I responded that I can appreciate his difficult it is and that I care
One of the best things you can do is to get active. I know it's hard if you're depressed and just want to lay on the couch and not move - I totally get it - but the faster you can get up and out the better. I remember going on walks with my dad at lunchtime and even crying during some but the exercise helped. If you're not doing anything now, make the energy to do something. Anything. Get your college kid to go on a walk with you daily. Go jogging yourself. Join a fitness class or a weightlifting gym....whatever it is, muster up the energy to get active. Your body will make endorphins which will turn your downward spiral into an upward climb. You'll feel better, look better, and be more confident. I completely understand how you might not feel like you have the energy for it, but the faster you get active the quicker you'll be on a path to be good again.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yes I am expressing it to C - both W and I have IC and we have discussed possible MC - she recently texted me a particular MC she would be open to - I replied favourably then she got scared - told me she is worried that us going to MC would catapult us to a final decision on our marriage. I am not expressing the pain to her.
Most here would tell you NOT to do MC unless she's really dedicated to saving the marriage. Sounds like her "worry about MC as a catapult to a final marriage decision" is a tell...MC is often used by the person leaving as a way to break the "divorce" news more easily, or as an excuse to their friends and family "well...we even tried MC and it didn't help!". Spend the time instead in IC and working on yourself.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She told me a while ago that she noticed that I have been thriving without her - did I mention that she has moved out - and she told me that she has also told her friends that I am thriving without her.
Good! What's more attractive? What's more likely to make her question her decision? A guy that she perceives is handling the news in stride and going out and dominating life, or a guy who is completely devastated and wallowing at home). Much better she sees you thriving than takes solace in you suffering.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Truth is I am also suffering tremendously
Completely understandable.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Yes I have begun this and on Friday I am starting a 12 week fitness program as well.
Excellent! Wait to see how great you feel afterwards.
Originally Posted by Rockon
but I am accessing support network of faithful solid friends, exercising, working with my treatment team etc.
Perfect! Lean on the support network, work out, and do counseling. Keep it up.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She has shared recently that she is not doing well - very stressed, lost friends, her living situation is stressful, etc. I responded that I can appreciate his difficult it is and that I care
Too bad, so sad for her. She's having an affair and left her husband of 25 years. She needs to experience the consequences of that. Good answer btw...don't use it as an opportunity to beg or plead for her back. Validate. "That does sound difficult", "I can understand why that would be stressful"...etc.
Rockon - Sounds like you're doing relatively well actually. Support network, exercise, IC, validation...etc. Make sure you flip things up, reclaim your power, and act "as if"...YOU are the prize and she's crazy to leave you. Start moving in the other direction and start living your life as if you love it. That's the best way to start your healing and get on a good path for yourself. She'll be lucky if you even allow her to jump back onboard.
Last edited by BL42; 09/15/2202:25 AM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I'm sorry about what brought you here. But this is the right place to come to for support. I'm not in favor of MC unless and until she is dedicated to saving the marriage. Best just to IC and focus on yourself. You should also consider melatonin to help you to sleep, or better yet something based on your doctor's advice. I think everyone finds it very hard to sleep at first. Keep posting.
