I still can't get over someone moving 5-6hr flight away from their child. I guess it happens, but I don't understand it. In most cases with reasonable parents a 50/50 split is best but if he's willing to move across the country he doesn't deserve any legal rights to custody. I'm guessing as a doctor you make more than his yoga income but I'd still push for child support if I were you to make him accountable - it's not for you, it's for his child - and he's not living up to his obligations in any other areas there.
Sometimes I think it'd be easier in some ways to have full custody and not have to deal with ExW, and raise the kids the way I think they should be, and not lose time with them. But other times when it's been a tough week and I'm exhausted I know I'm going to get a reprieve...that's that's after just a week. So in some ways you'll have the freedom to parent the way you want and not have to deal with him, but in others being the primary/only is going to very difficult. Draining. Make sure you cultivate a good support system and remember to give yourself a break and self-care as well.
Last edited by BL42; 11/22/2202:43 AM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I still can't get over someone moving 5-6hr flight away from their child. I guess it happens, but I don't understand it. In most cases with reasonable parents a 50/50 split is best but if he's willing to move across the country he doesn't deserve any legal rights to custody. I'm guessing as a doctor you make more than his yoga income but I'd still push for child support if I were you to make him accountable - it's not for you, it's for his child - and he's not living up to his obligations in any other areas there.
Sometimes I think it'd be easier in some ways to have full custody and not have to deal with ExW, and raise the kids the way I think they should be, and not lose time with them. But other times when it's been a tough week and I'm exhausted I know I'm going to get a reprieve...that's that's after just a week. So in some ways you'll have the freedom to parent the way you want and not have to deal with him, but in others being the primary/only is going to very difficult. Draining. Make sure you cultivate a good support system and remember to give yourself a break and self-care as well.
Thank you for your thoughtful response!
Thank you. You're absolutely right - it can be really really tough having a long hard work being the MD on call and my weekend still being fully on. I love spending time with my little man but sometimes I just need a night off. The ex had been providing that for me on Saturday night and I had hoped it could be a fairly regular thing and welp, here we are.
It's probably better this way than fishing l fighting over custody but man. I'm so tired!
Howdy! It's been a while but I've been a little busy. I threw the baby's first birthday, my ex had the gall to ask me what we were doing for his first birthday. I stared at him and told him I was going to have my friends and family over and he could do something separately. How delusional is he to think that people want to see him??
Anyway, I had a petting zoo come to the house and had mimosas and the party was super fun. My best friend, my son's godfather was here and we ran around the city together and he reminded me just how much I don't need the ex to be happy, it's so grounding being with people that you've known your entire life and have been best friends with, I'm so lucky to have the people I have!
As for the ex, He's still planning to move across the country at the end of January to be near his yoga studio. It will probably be easier in the long run, but I'm upset I have a built-in babysitter that's leaving, although my friends remind me he's probably not super reliable anyway.
He's going to babysit this weekend so I can go on a date with somebody who is in the same field as me (!!!). I haven't been on a first date in over 15 years so I'm a little anxious. The person I'm going on a date with is awesome but obviously it's a little stressful since my field is super small and nuanced and I really hope it goes okay mostly so future conferences don't go awkwardly.
Thanks again to everyone for the support during this crazy time, y'all were right, things just get better with time.
Well, divorce went through. It was really weird, eventually I had been looking forward to it being done. And then when it happens it's just still kind of sad. I called one of my really good friends who also went through a divorce and she filed and she said the same thing, when she got the divorce finalization in the mail she sat in her car and cried even though she wanted the divorce more than anything.
I wound up getting a email from our insurance company addressed to him and I just forwarded it to the ex. He sent a message back saying how he told them multiple times that we were now separate accounts, but he's happy to keep getting joint emails and included a laughing emoji. What? it felt really weird like "haha, this is all great, look. How divorced we are isn't this funny"vibes. Totally cool to abandon your family and your child and move across the country. Haha indeed. I didn't write back.
Anyway, I've unfriended him in social media, he said cheerfully on the phone when I confirmed travel plans that he agreed to watch the kiddo for that I should send him updates about the baby. At least he did agree to watch the baby when I'm in Europe with some friends in a few months so I am super stoked about that. I am also going to a medical conference in another country as well so also excited to go outside of my comfort zone. I'm not going to send him updates because if he was really that invested he wouldn't disappear. He would also pay child support but he hasn't paid for anything since the baby was a month old.
Going to try online dating, the person I went on a date with was super nice but I don't think there was a spark there. Despite all of this, Overall, I'm feeling so much more hopeful for the future and thinking back on how terribly the ex treated me toward the end. I'm really glad I'm moving on and the marriage is over. Thanks everyone on this board for keeping me sane and as mentally healthy as I could be during all of this.
Yes, once the divorce is finalized it stirs up some stuff. Seeing the signatures and the now legally binding agreement to dissolve one’s marriage is both relief and grief. Give yourself some time to settle and accept.
Originally Posted by Newborn
I wound up getting a email from our insurance company addressed to him and I just forwarded it to the ex.
For months after my divorce I received letters and calls for XW. Some the business type correspondence like insurance company, dental, etc, rather straightforward and even somewhat expected given for 30 years that address and phone number was her contact info. A few times I shuttled letters meant for XW to her through the kids. I realized I shouldn’t place the kids in that position, so I just returned the letters/bills to the post office to let them deal with it. Even had letters with her new address of OM’s and the post office folks still put them in what was her longtime post office box - now mine. Creatures of habit we are. Lol.
People, friends, would leave messages on the answering machine for XW. Some not aware of the new living arrangements, and some with just no other contact information. Her estranged family had no idea, and the death of her grandfather had her uncle contacting me looking to speak with her. He had no idea we were separated, or where she was living.
Another group provided a strange window into her life - XW’s post BD/D life. She made purchases on various platforms and provided our old contact info. So much old weird stuff she was acquiring. And strange to use our old (now my) home phone number instead of her cell phone number.
Anyhow, dental appointments, surgery confirmations, doctor call backs, people looking for payments, folks confirming purchases, people looking for shipping address, etc.; “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. She does not live here” quickly became the standard reply. XW and those who interact with her needed to sort things out. Figured, if I remained the easy button, I’d keep getting pressed.
I’m glad you are hopeful of your bright future. It’s been rough road, and yet very much worth it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
