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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2935068#Post2935068

Hi all. Sorry about not checking in. Wasn't sure how to make a new thread and link them (figured it out) and also work has been bananas. Plus the 8 month old of course.

KML, thanks for reaching out to see how I'm doing! How are you? smile

For my sitch, I'm doing okay. Monday is court (confirming with lawyer). I think I'm mostly at the anger stage of grieving now vs acceptance. You know how the rollercoaster goes - some days sad, some days angry, some days apathetic.


He wears a man bun now, which my friends sent a pic of on his instagram (can't remember if I mentioned it here yet) because of how stupid it looked. I told them to stop sending me pictures. It did look pretty dumb in real life though.

STBX is still filling his days with yoga, and he has been volunteering at the cat shelter I would go to to pet cats. Seems like he's trying to do all the GAL activities recommended in breakup books, which you know, good for him, but all the cats and yoga in the world doesn't change the fact he emotionally cheated, abandoned his son, blah blah blah.

I am going to a medical society meeting in October so he'll babysit then, and doing a spa day with my coworkers. This weekend I have friends in town so we're going out and that'll be fun. I'm still doing dance lessons, just solo. My dance instructor made us a tango routine to a tango version of a Fallout boy song since I'm in the cranky stages of breakup and it was pretty fun.

I've noticed I'm spending a lot of money, I dunno if it's a compulsion since stbx claimed I'd worked too much and the financial insecurity concern had led me to do moonlight; or I'm just being hedonistic, or just so depressed about the housing market/current situation that I've given up on caring a ton about saving for a down payment, I dunno. I used to be really careful with spending and I'm a little upset at myself.

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Originally Posted by Newborn
Plus the 8 month old of course.
Valid excuse. I'll allow it. lol

For my sitch, I'm doing okay.

Originally Posted by Newborn
Monday is court (confirming with lawyer).
What is the court date for? Is anything being decided?

Originally Posted by Newborn
I think I'm mostly at the anger stage of grieving now vs acceptance.
The anger has lingered for me. It might take awhile.

Originally Posted by Newborn
You know how the rollercoaster goes - some days sad, some days angry, some days apathetic.
Yep. Good you recognize the swings - the more you understand the easier it is to process.

Originally Posted by Newborn
I told them to stop sending me pictures.
Good job!

Originally Posted by Newborn
I am going to a medical society meeting in October so he'll babysit then, and doing a spa day with my coworkers. This weekend I have friends in town so we're going out and that'll be fun. I'm still doing dance lessons, just solo. My dance instructor made us a tango routine to a tango version of a Fallout boy song since I'm in the cranky stages of breakup and it was pretty fun.
Sounds like good GAL! Keep it up.

Originally Posted by Newborn
I've noticed I'm spending a lot of money, I dunno if it's a compulsion since stbx claimed I'd worked too much and the financial insecurity concern had led me to do moonlight; or I'm just being hedonistic, or just so depressed about the housing market/current situation that I've given up on caring a ton about saving for a down payment, I dunno. I used to be really careful with spending and I'm a little upset at myself.
Lots of resources warn again major emotional purchases which put you in a hole - especially before the finances settle out - but I get the sense due to your profession and situation you'll be OK with the short term spending. No need to beat yourself up - you've recognize it, now adjust.

How is the baby???


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
[Monday is court (confirming with lawyer).
What is the court date for? Is anything being decided?

Well, turns out it's delayed. It's the FRC (?). We may not even have to go to court if all parties agree. That'd be really nice. I took the day off work so I'll just goof off. Sounds like everything is going forward ok.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Newborn
I think I'm mostly at the anger stage of grieving now vs acceptance.
The anger has lingered for me. It might take awhile.

Sorry to hear it. You've been such a kind, supportive and patient presence on this site. Sorry to hear you've been through so much yourself.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Newborn
I am going to a medical society meeting in October so he'll babysit then, and doing a spa day with my coworkers. This weekend I have friends in town so we're going out and that'll be fun. I'm still doing dance lessons, just solo. My dance instructor made us a tango routine to a tango version of a Fallout boy song since I'm in the cranky stages of breakup and it was pretty fun.
Sounds like good GAL! Keep it up.

Thanks! Some of the "you've been too busy to be a good wife" type stuff he'd thrown at me before made me pause doing stuff like this. But a lot of the issues before with me was really stuff like video games or moonlighting or blankly staring at TV after work kinda thing and not being really present. SO I try to be completely present for my son when I'm home. Read him books in his playpen, talk to him all the time. lie on the floor with him, eat dinner on the floor, etc.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Newborn
I've noticed I'm spending a lot of money, I dunno if it's a compulsion since stbx claimed I'd worked too much and the financial insecurity concern had led me to do moonlight; or I'm just being hedonistic, or just so depressed about the housing market/current situation that I've given up on caring a ton about saving for a down payment, I dunno. I used to be really careful with spending and I'm a little upset at myself.
Lots of resources warn again major emotional purchases which put you in a hole - especially before the finances settle out - but I get the sense due to your profession and situation you'll be OK with the short term spending. No need to beat yourself up - you've recognize it, now adjust.

How is the baby???


Thank you!! I'm not in a hole, but not doing a great job of saving. Thanks for acknowledging it and validating me. I've already started trying to cut down. I do buy my trainees coffee on the days they have clinic with me smile I feel like it's a nice gesture for them, a little perk in their day.

The baby is great! Thank you for asking. He now has 2 teeth, smiles constantly, really sweet, big laughs all the time, crawling now, trying to stand on his own, eating a ton. He's a complete joy. Wish he'd sleep through the whole night now and then buuut....can't have everything I guess?

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Newborn,

Originally Posted by Newborn
I try to be completely present for my son when I'm home. Read him books in his playpen, talk to him all the time. lie on the floor with him, eat dinner on the floor, etc.
Excellent! Keep up being the best mom you can be - you and your child are now your focus.

Originally Posted by Newborn
I'm not in a hole, but not doing a great job of saving. Thanks for acknowledging it and validating me. I've already started trying to cut down. I do buy my trainees coffee on the days they have clinic with me smile I feel like it's a nice gesture for them, a little perk in their day.
I wouldn't sweat buying your coworkers coffee. Imo, the best way to save & invest is to automate it. Pay yourself first. So every paycheck 10, 20, 30%...whatever it is, is taken out automatically and put into a savings account you don't touch and an investment account with a low cost mutual fund. Everything else is discretionary.

Originally Posted by Newborn
The baby is great! Thank you for asking. He now has 2 teeth, smiles constantly, really sweet, big laughs all the time, crawling now, trying to stand on his own, eating a ton. He's a complete joy. Wish he'd sleep through the whole night now and then buuut....can't have everything I guess?
Teeth? Wow! Enjoy it while you can...it really does go quickly. The lack of sleep is tough - my kids were awful sleepers when they were younger - hang in there that part gets better.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Lol - the man bun! My sister and I were traveling with my mom in Canada a few years ago, and man buns were quite the popular thing there. We giggled every time we saw them, and kept a running count of man bun sightings haha.

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Originally Posted by kml
Lol - the man bun! My sister and I were traveling with my mom in Canada a few years ago, and man buns were quite the popular thing there. We giggled every time we saw them, and kept a running count of man bun sightings haha.

YEP. I don't even think it's in "fashion" anymore.

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Well, I thought the divorce was supposed to happen Monday, but apparent stbx didn't tell me the court date got moved. I had taken the day off anyway so went snorkelling where the ocean was the most beautiful I've seen possibly ever - completely clear, gorgeous out. I went alone so didn't venture too far out but the water was fantastic.

I went out again with a couple friends today and had stbx babysit. He sees the baby maybe once per week or two for a couple hours. The poor little guy has been teething horribly and just crying and crying but with periods of calm and happy in between.

I got back and showered; the baby was crying in his high chair so I had stbx hold him as I fed him some sweet pureed baby food and he finally ate a bit. I tried to start cooking lunch for myself. I told him I was surprised at how much his mom had used negative words around the baby: She said he made "pathetic noises" and told him to stop being dramatic when he was crying in his high chair. To a baby!

STBX agreed that she needs to cut it out witht he negative language and I told him I hadn't realized how toxic she had been growing up; I mentioned how I thought they'd had a perfect family, and was pretty much used to their whole family hanging out and going on vacations (without inviting me). They'd go on family vacations multiple times per year: Italy, parts of the US, skiing, etc. I wasn't invited for about 6 years of this, including while we were engaged; it wasn't until we were married for a few years that I was invited. Stbx was silent as I mentioned that and then I realized how selfish I must have sounded saying that I'd thought they'd had this perfect family life and wouldn't invite me on vacations.

Stbx was going to leave anyway, but the baby started crying while I was cooking so I asked if he could check on the baby. I felt like I should call him back to apologize.

But then it's like - no, his mom was toxic, but he never had told me. And he never stood up for me either. And I'm dealing with a poorly sleeping baby crying all the time and I get 4 hrs of help from the baby's dad. So why am I allowing him all this emotional control?

I wish I could just be indifferent as he seems to be toward me.

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Newborn,
Originally Posted by Newborn
Well, I thought the divorce was supposed to happen Monday, but apparent stbx didn't tell me the court date got moved.
Don't the courts notify you and/or your L directly? Why are you relying on stbx for something like that?

Originally Posted by Newborn
I had taken the day off anyway so went snorkelling where the ocean was the most beautiful I've seen possibly ever - completely clear, gorgeous out. I went alone so didn't venture too far out but the water was fantastic.
Awesome! Perfect GAL. I'm a scuba diver and snorkel too. Great activity.

Originally Posted by Newborn
I went out again with a couple friends today
Great! Keep it up.

Originally Posted by Newborn
and had stbx babysit. He sees the baby maybe once per week or two for a couple hours.
His loss. Always amazes me when people don't want to be engage with their children.

Originally Posted by Newborn
The poor little guy has been teething horribly and just crying and crying but with periods of calm and happy in between.
Babies can be tough. Teething is the worst. Poor guy.

Originally Posted by Newborn
They'd go on family vacations multiple times per year: Italy, parts of the US, skiing, etc. I wasn't invited for about 6 years of this, including while we were engaged; it wasn't until we were married for a few years that I was invited.
For 6 years they went on family vacations - even while you were engaged - and didn't invite you? This is a major red flag. Lessons learned for the next relationship. Don't ever allow yourself to be treated as an outsider with someone you're committed to again.

Originally Posted by Newborn
I felt like I should call him back to apologize.

But then it's like - no, his mom was toxic, but he never had told me.
Good you thought better of it - no need to reach out for something like that.

Originally Posted by Newborn
I wish I could just be indifferent as he seems to be toward me.
You'll get there. It takes time. You're doing well. Continue to focus on yourself and the baby.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
Newborn,
Originally Posted by Newborn
Well, I thought the divorce was supposed to happen Monday, but apparent stbx didn't tell me the court date got moved.
Don't the courts notify you and/or your L directly? Why are you relying on stbx for something like that?

Yeah it was weird! I emailed my L to ask what I should do/wear/when I should show up and he said he/stbx's lawyer were talking behind the scenes and the date got moved, but on the plus side he said there was a chance we didn't have to go to court at all? He cc'd me on the email thread but honestly I struggle to make heads/tails of it.


Originally Posted by Newborn
I had taken the day off anyway so went snorkelling where the ocean was the most beautiful I've seen possibly ever - completely clear, gorgeous out. I went alone so didn't venture too far out but the water was fantastic.
Awesome! Perfect GAL. I'm a scuba diver and snorkel too. Great activity.

Bucket list is to scuba a shipwreck!! That's so cool you scuba! I've gone twice and it was fantastic.

Originally Posted by Newborn
I went out again with a couple friends today
Great! Keep it up.

Thank you!

Originally Posted by Newborn
and had stbx babysit. He sees the baby maybe once per week or two for a couple hours.
His loss. Always amazes me when people don't want to be engage with their children.

Right?? so stupid!

Originally Posted by Newborn
The poor little guy has been teething horribly and just crying and crying but with periods of calm and happy in between.
Babies can be tough. Teething is the worst. Poor guy.

Thank you. He's the sweetest little guy ever too.

Originally Posted by Newborn
They'd go on family vacations multiple times per year: Italy, parts of the US, skiing, etc. I wasn't invited for about 6 years of this, including while we were engaged; it wasn't until we were married for a few years that I was invited.
For 6 years they went on family vacations - even while you were engaged - and didn't invite you? This is a major red flag. Lessons learned for the next relationship. Don't ever allow yourself to be treated as an outsider with someone you're committed to again.

Correct. And I agree - stbx used to get upset when I'd get upset about it; "that's not how my family works". I still remember how upset he was when I wasn't super excited to talk to him after he returned from Europe (we were engaged and he was living at my family's house at the time).

Originally Posted by Newborn
I felt like I should call him back to apologize.

But then it's like - no, his mom was toxic, but he never had told me.
Good you thought better of it - no need to reach out for something like that.

Originally Posted by Newborn
I wish I could just be indifferent as he seems to be toward me.
You'll get there. It takes time. You're doing well. Continue to focus on yourself and the baby.

Thank you!

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Newborn,
Originally Posted by Newborn
Yeah it was weird! I emailed my L to ask what I should do/wear/when I should show up and he said he/stbx's lawyer were talking behind the scenes and the date got moved, but on the plus side he said there was a chance we didn't have to go to court at all? He cc'd me on the email thread but honestly I struggle to make heads/tails of it.
I can't speak to Australia, but in America I think often the court date is a forcing-function on a compromise/agreement. No one wants to go to trial...not the plaintiff, defendant, lawyers, or judges - too much time and expense for something that's fairly dictated by statute anyway.

Originally Posted by Newborn
Bucket list is to scuba a shipwreck!! That's so cool you scuba! I've gone twice and it was fantastic.
I did an underwater ship in Grand Cayman but it was sunk on purpose - nothing too exotic. A dozen 6' long Black Tip Ocean Sharks off the coast of South Africa were incredible.

Originally Posted by Newborn
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Newborn
They'd go on family vacations multiple times per year: Italy, parts of the US, skiing, etc. I wasn't invited for about 6 years of this, including while we were engaged; it wasn't until we were married for a few years that I was invited.
For 6 years they went on family vacations - even while you were engaged - and didn't invite you? This is a major red flag. Lessons learned for the next relationship. Don't ever allow yourself to be treated as an outsider with someone you're committed to again.
Correct. And I agree - stbx used to get upset when I'd get upset about it; "that's not how my family works". I still remember how upset he was when I wasn't super excited to talk to him after he returned from Europe (we were engaged and he was living at my family's house at the time).
Bizarre, and should've been more concerning to you. Next time. Who knows if it really was his family that didn't want you, or if he just told you that and it was him - either way major red flag.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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