So I’m freaking out a little. What if I hate it? I am not even afraid at failing at it. I’m just afraid I’m going to miss everyone and the patient contact and the joking around with the ruses on the unit .
I know, I know, I got what I want and I should be happy, but I am scared to get out of my comfort zone. I’m afraid to make a wrong decision. Afraid to take the small piece of stability out of my life. I’m just praying I am making the right decision. I just doubt myself too much.
You and I have talked about this off board quite a bit, and I feel like every time you get close to this, you run from it...
Why do you feel that you lack the self -confidence to self validate yourself, in almost every aspect of your life. ???
Why do you continuously seek that ever elusive approval ??
Cause until you can deal with 'her/them', you are always going to 'feel' this way....
Until you can find peace within yourself, you are never going to be comfortable enough to appreciate what you can be for yourself....
It's time G.....just F-ing do it already....
I can’t say it’s approval I seek. I think having to be solely responsible for every decision and outcome and never having somewhere to fall back on I’m terrified of making the wrong decision. So the validation I might seek is making the right decision. I need more trust in myself
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Some older guys bought me a beer and chatted. Then I went home and cried and cried and cried until my eyes swelled shut. I am 42 years old and this has become torture. I find someone that is awesome and he’s not ready. And I cannot find one decent person who isn’t a train wreck. And I think it’s making me a train wreck. I psychoanalyze every guy I meet. I don’t even know where to give concession to anymore. I don’t think I can ever trust a guy to make me feel safe and loved
You meet the same guy every couple weeks, in the same way, do the same things, feel the same way about the direction of things, say that you are going to follow the same rules, then break the same rules, it ends the same way, and you feel the same way afterward, and then group them into the same category, say you aren't going to date again, date again the next week...
Rinse , Later, Repeat...
And yet you don't see how any of this ties together...
It ALL stems from the validation issues and approval seeking that you crave and refuse to acknowledge.
You anal-ize them because internally, you are wanting for something to jump out at you and tell you that he is the one, or yep, she would approve, or yes, this(he) makes me feel good enough about myself to be confident...
Your answer to all of that , lies within yourself...
The scary part is that you have allowed yourself to become "okay" with all of that, because it's easier than facing yourself...
The problem that I have learned with online dating is.....that you can NEVER see the heart of the person...
Their conviction, morals, character, and what they are when the schidt hits the fan....
That ^^^ can't be encapsulated in a dating profile....swipe left, swipe right. ....bullsh!t...
Have we really been reduced as a society to judge anther person merely by this....sad actually...
So attraction is based on what you see, and what is presented. who cares if it is a profile picture from 5 years ago....
Seeing the heart of another person takes time to develop.
The connection, is what drives us to find out what the heart is....
And you cannot govern 'affairs of the heart' with "rules"...
So your attraction is based off of your eyes, and not your heart....
Yet, your FIRST attraction should be yourself....
What you posted up there ^^^ could have been any post from 2016. 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021 from you.....
When do you want this to end ???
Cause you are the only one that has the power to do so....
It’s an unfortunate World right now. Meeting people off line is awfully difficult . I wish I could. It’s especially hard at this age when you don’t know who what when is single, married. Etc. I do t have time for regular club meet ups , etc.
Attraction for me is always at the heart. I mean, obviously, online, you get the visual first, personality second, heart, if you are lucky, somewhere down the line. I wish I could get to the heart first, lol. Conviction , moral, character, how does someone “start” there. It’s not possible unless you get fortunate to know someone in a group , activity, work. In the online world, you can’t possibly. I hate to say this, but there isn’t much of a other world for middle aged divorce adults these days to meet. I wish there was. I have met some great guys in the wild. Married and attached. All married or attached. Great humans though .
You know, I have been doing some reading today and there is a theme I have come across often. Just because you may not be in love with yourself, doesn’t mean you can’t be loved or find love. I’m not in love with myself. I’m ok with myself. I’m at peace with myself in my utter non-perfection . I’ll always have my “damage” which comes from childhood, my joke of a marriage and my dating experiences beyond. But they don’t determine how I feel about who I am. They don’t define me.
Why can’t you love yourself, G? Different from being “in love” with yourself, which sounds narcissistic - but loving yourself, cherishing that wounded inner child of yours, patting yourself on the back for your bravery, your kindness, your success as a parent despite poor parenting yourself, your loving nature. Those are all things to love about yourself!
And about your “junk in the trunk” - seriously, you need to date more men of color!!!!!
I am cool with myself. I am very proud of where I am and who I have become on my own. Statistics everyone loves probably would say I should be a drug addict or something . I’ve definitely done pretty well given my circumstances . I do love that about me, thank you .
Congratulations on getting the job and for negotiating a bit more than they offered! I know you are afraid…sometimes getting out of your comfort zone is super scary. For me, the times that I took the leap on something that scared the crap out of me, the results were well worth it. And as you said, this job will look great on your resume for when you move. So if you don’t love it as much as the old one, then, that is not such a bad thing to get out of it.
I think the changes will be good. You need change to get out of this rut you might be in. You are bright and work hard and people like you so you will find a way to make it what you want it to be. I’m proud of you for going after it! Congratulations!
As for the dating, well, I think I said all I needed to say on my past post to you. Mix it up. Slow it down. Do video first dates to weed out losers like the last guy. That way you don’t spend too much time or energy on the ones not worth a real first date. Are you interested in another date? Then do one. If not, then that is your sign to stop seeing that person.
Sorry the stress of all the things got to you. I hope your trip fed your soul a bit.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Thanks E! I’m getting excited and nervous it I did need to shake things up a bit. I really did love my job but it’s time to move forward.
As far as the guys, I have dated more than one at a time, well, at least spoke to a few guys at a time and went on early dates. It’s a bit distracting for me and I really don’t have time to do it. When I do it, it does help from getting invested on one, but also when I do that, once I like one more, the other one is gone. I also generally have sex with guys right away, believe it or not. Kind of seems that way, but I don’t. But i also don’t wait 15-20 dates, that’s like 6 months at the rate I get to see someone maybe 1-2 times a week! I definitely need a break from dating. It’s been extra rough out there lately. It makes me cringe now. Definitely not a good place to be in when dating.
I had a very nice time down by my cousins . Good food, nice beach, fun gambling . Won $700! Woot woot! Went to the outlets on my way home and bought myself a new purse for under $100. Almost snagged the sunglasses I’ve wanted, but I couldn’t bring myself to spend the money. D’s Bday is in 3 weeks and I got the cash for the gift she wants which is great. She’s coming home late tonight. I miss her, can’t wait to see her. And hear about the boys her and her BFF met. Lord help me.
And Mach, I was thinking, re: validation. I seek it and crave it on my big life decisions . It’s true. I’m afraid to fail and hear a big “ I told you so” . Validation from men is something I don’t need. I don’t want it. I couldn’t give a flying F about it actually. Maybe that’s what makes me seem closed off.
I’m struggling a little bit because my friends daughter was supposed to intern with me and is she can’t. I hope I’m it messing things up too badly. I’m terrified to break it to her, which I am shortly. I am going to see if I can get someone else to take her on. I hate messing this up for her, but I have to make this decision for me
BL- I was one day late for the air show! I was supposed to be there but I couldn’t get the day off. They said it was awesome . My cousin has a house in ventnor by the beach. Where I happen to be again today . Her poor son broke both of his arms down here. He’s a trooper though. He loves the air show.
We couldn't view it from our beach but saw some incredible pictures friends posted online which made me wish I had taken the kids. S7 would've loved it.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I did negotiate and I got one 1% higher than they were offering. They admitted when you move internally it’s much harder to negotiate than when you come from the outside. Still more than I’m making now.
Nice! 1% is more than nothing. I think it's true that it's harder to negotiate internally. I have insight into salaries and am seeing people jump externally for WAY more money than the raises (or counters) they're getting internally. Something for you to think about in a year or two if you're ready for another move...
Originally Posted by Ginger1
She’s coming home late tonight. I miss her, can’t wait to see her. And hear about the boys her and her BFF met. Lord help me.
Is she dating yet? Yikes. That's gotta be scary for a parent! At least I have a decade to worry about that LOL
Glad you enjoyed the shore!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
You know, I have been doing some reading today and there is a theme I have come across often. Just because you may not be in love with yourself, doesn’t mean you can’t be loved or find love. I’m not in love with myself. I’m ok with myself. I’m at peace with myself in my utter non-perfection . I’ll always have my “damage” which comes from childhood, my joke of a marriage and my dating experiences beyond. But they don’t determine how I feel about who I am. They don’t define me.
I'm still not buying it G....
I think they are some great excuses for not facing yourself....
Yet, in the end, I think they are excuses....
Originally Posted by Ginger1
And Mach, I was thinking, re: validation. I seek it and crave it on my big life decisions . It’s true. I’m afraid to fail and hear a big “ I told you so” . Validation from men is something I don’t need. I don’t want it. I couldn’t give a flying F about it actually. Maybe that’s what makes me seem closed off.
This ??
I almost agree with...
If I were to say that validation closely follows approval..
What would you say then ??
You said the other day that you could see right through another poster...
And I am telling you, that after reading you for almost 15 years now....
I can see your behavioral patterns, and I know where you seek that validation/approval...
And that you DO give a flying F about it, and that is what makes you seem closed off...
By running from it, anytime it gets too close to you..
And I see how that bleeds over into other areas of your life....
Hahahaha! Yes, I still stand by that poster who I see through no matter how much smoke other people blow up his arse. Noticed he disappeared And addressed nothing ? Yup.
But I’m here and I can address the truth. And you are right ( I am one of those people who can see others view points) my need for validation in areas of being afraid have failure has spilled over a bit. I do not need a guy to validate me to raise my self esteem. I am sure of that. Do I feel like sometimes I think given my track record SOMETHING must be making me undatable or unlovable? Absolutely. I have dug deep to figure out what is so “wrong “ with me. I’ve bettered myself and recognized my faults . Then I actually recognized I am still a lovable Woman WITH my faults . Which are plenty. But it’s getting better. For a good amount of time , I figured something HAS to be wrong with me. But I’m slowly realizing no, that my worth isn’t tied to someone being able to love me or want to choose me.
As far as why I am closed off? While I don’t need the approval of another man? I guess I take the defensive route ( old habit from ex) and close myself off so he can’t reject me because of me. Because while it used to be so easy for me to be vulnerable, now it’s incredibly hard for these reasons.
So I won’t prove you wrong. And the longer I go on this path of it being “loved” by a romantic partner. The harder it becomes to keep my resolve of appreciating I am not unlovable or there is something inherently wrong with me. You are right. It’s not a normal validation I need. It’s a validation that I all my hard work is legit .
I’ll always appreciate rAw honesty. Thank you my friend.
I have told my department I’m leaving. And wow. A few actually shed tears as did I. My boss told me as a joke “you are dead to me” as a joke, but wrote a really beautiful email handing me over to my new department . My coworkers came to my office personally to congratulate me. I told the ruses on my unit today . They said “if this is a lateral move, we I’ll kill you. If this is a promotion we are happy for you, but it’s a great loss” it was humbling and sad at the same time . When I was going through my infertility struggle, my pregnancy and my devastating divorce, it was coworkers that kept my going .the only place I felt “normal” was at work. To speak to Mach, it was probably the only place I felt valued or worth a anything , whether by my coworkers or my patients. It was my validation and connection. I kept a decent amount of those coworkers as friends. I went through a few years after I left that job trying to make the single mom nurse full time career thing work with no family help in jobs where I didn’t have that value or those connections. And it was probably the worst times in my life. I made friends in this healthcare system at my first job 8 years ago I am still in touch with. I furthered my education to make it to the job in nursing I really wanted . I excelled at this position and made the connections to get me where I am today. It was really hard work. But it paid off. But today I realized how much the people in my hospital have become my family. I love them. I never dreaded a day going to work. I have connected with people at every level at my hospital . My social worker and I are like besties. The doctors in our hospital call us the “dream team” and tell us we are the best to work with. That we get stuff done and are incredibly knowledgeable and work so well together And I’m trying to top that. And that scares the everliving jesus out of me. I have it good. Rocking the boat is freaking me out so bad .but everyone has faith that I will be great at my new position and that while ot is their loss it is my new places gain.
I’m scared. I’m so scared. I’m giving up a lot for 6 % raise, a new challenge and experience on my resume. For people like me, who don’t have much, well, I value my work family more than the average person does . But their faith in me means so much .positive feedback I will excel, feedback that my presence will be missed and the work I do as well.
And then! I had the epiphany the other day when my ex congratulated me on my new job. Looks at what I have accomplished! I was 27 almost 38 and like a year into my new career and my life blew up . I had no help, I didn’t know how to take care of my tiny baby while working 14 hours night shifts. I struggled hard. I changed jobs to suit her needs. I was miserable. I was laid off . I was not the most present school mom due to my job demands. I got laid off again! And I got a job put me in this health system ( FYI, I am now the assistant manager of the care continuum at My states number one hospital! ) I went to back to school my daughter was young to make this goal. I don’t know how I did it sometimes. But I did. I am achieving my goals. And I realized how bad a$$ I am. I achieved most things in life against the odds. Nothing ever came to me easy and it was always with struggle and minimal support. Not many people can say that. And k am so proud of me. And my hope is my daughter sees one day all I have accidentally pushed when the odds were against me . A mother in and out of rehabs and mental institutions? My mother having a breakdown when my dad left the marriage when I was 17 and went back to her hard drug use! Yeah, this was to my choice in my ex. But I should be some drug addict right now. It instead I’m a stable mom for my daughter with a career who beats the odds . And that’s a lot to be proud of. And I am. There were so many days when I wished a I was dead. I kid you not. But here I am, alive. And not failing at life.
My love life doesn’t define me anymore. It only hurts me personally. I could have numerous “boyfriends” right now ( not a brag) but I won’t settle. But I could fess, there was something about this last guy. I miss him. It was so short and so sweet. But there was a serious something there and I think about him so much. I did reach out to him. Not to ask him back. I basically said nothing when he ended ended thing with me. I decided to say something . I just asked how his new place was. He sent me a picture of his new place and dog and told me how things went getting his stuff from his ex and how she thinks she might be using. I was open and vulnerable with him. I told him how I felt. My experience. And he was honest with me and told me how much he cared for me but he needs to be alone . He said he thinks about me often Him I agree. I told him that for the beginning. I just needed to say my piece. I told him of when he was ready to date for real, hit me up, and maybe I’ll be available and we can talk.
He’s on my mind a lot. I can’t explain it. It stinks. But I’m not acting on it . But there is a few times I have TRULY felt something . He’s one of them. The last time was M and the time before that was Steve . Steve is now married to the woman he met while dating me! I’m pretty sure M is with someone . Firefighter is is married to the woman he met while he was dating me too. But that one I totally am happy for because he was too young for me. He got what he really needed .
I will sign off after this incredibly long painful post. But I had a patient today. Dying of lung cancer. It’s just him and his wife of 33 years. She told me it was both of their second marriages ‘. She told me how different it was the second time around. The perspective, of you chose to learn something from your second marriage, how fulfilling Yolir second marriage will be. She was shocked when I told her how old my kid was and how long I’ve been divorced. She look me dead in the eye and said “ when it’s meant to be, it will be. It’s in god’s time, not yours.” And I’m not a religious person. But it’s not on my timeline. It’s on the universes timeline . It was pretty emotional.
I’m going to be patient over here. Trust myself self. Trust the universe . I look at myself and I realize I am really not such a failure . So I’m just going to have some faith
