Stuck in limbo III

[Doug54]

Link to last thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2936951&page=1

[Ready2Change]

What did you do on the 5th?

[Doug54]

What did you do on the 5th?

Didn't do $hit, nor did W. Didn't really bother me. W is perpetually off in her own MLC world.

[Doug54]

Try to listen when she comes to you, try to validate, and thank her for her thoughts.

When she spews, walk away and let her know that when she calms, you will once again listen...

I think I'm hardwired to validate at this point rather than return fire. If nothing else, hopefully this will benefit me in my next relationship, and perhaps life in general.

She is still there, and she will say that she is trying, and because that doesn't look like what YOU think it should be, doesn't mean it's not happening....

Remember her truth and your truth ? Same thing....

All of that anger and frustration HAS to come out before anything can be any different for the future...

I don't recall many, if any, recent mentions of "trying" by W. Pretty sure she's convinced she wants out, but present circumstances (financial and the kids) necessitate us staying together in the house for the time being. But yeah, I guess true detachment would be indifference, and the fact that she's venting is something.

The decision that I spoke of, is the one you are dancing around....

The decision to choose you...

And you can say that you already have, although there is still a LOT of you, basing your decisions on what you think that she may or may not do......

And that Doug, is allowing her to define you....

Don't tell me when you do, I will be able to tell by where your thoughts are...

I agree, you do seem prescient enough to know by my posts when I cross the threshold of not allowing W to define me.

So third grade dating game here....

Check yes or no....

Is it too late ?

___yes __X_no ---> I mean I guess it's not too late since no one has moved out or filed yet(?)

Has she moved on ?

_X__yes ___no ---> This answer would seem incongruent with what I marked for #1 above, but this is the vibe I really get. Plus, I really do not know WTF is going on with her phone and the EA...I stopped harping on it and decided to give her space, but she may well be at the point where she wants to feel the butterflies again (credit - LH19).

Is she in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions ??

___yes _X__no


Does she get to write the ending of YOUR book ?

___yes __X_no

What are you gonna discuss with your IC ???


Because we as humans, really do work toward our goals.....

Talked about the current MR situation, my state of mind, and my goals. Counselor actually said I seem a good bit more detached than when I began therapy a few months ago. Again, this was my first session in 3 weeks due to counselor being on vacation.

Oh, and 5LL ??

Actually got it from the library today before IC and read about 50 pages. My copy that W gifted me many years ago is around somewhere, probably in a box with other books. I liked the part about people's love tanks getting down to Empty and needing to be refilled. I'm not sure where that leaves me, though. So far, I think W's language is words of affirmation. So should I start complimenting her more and pumping her up? That would seem counter to DBing.

[Doug54]

Consider if she still has feelings to vent at you, she hasn't completely moved on from you.

Yeah, I guess that's one way to spin it. As I wrote in my response to Mach1, true detachment would seem to take the form of indifference and not letting someone have any say in your mood or emotional state.

[Ready2Change]

When she spews, walk away and let her know that when she calms, you will once again listen...

I will also add that it depends on what we define as "spews". If it becomes disrespectful, then time to leave. If it is just her venting anger, sometimes it is definitely good to show her you can handle her anger without arguing back.

Gekko was one of the very few "Natural DBer's" Might want to check out his posts:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showprofile&User=40586

I think I'm hardwired to validate at this point rather than return fire. If nothing else, hopefully this will benefit me in my next relationship, and perhaps life in general.

It will absolutely help in all your relationships. Listening and validating someones emotional state is a great skill.

All of that anger and frustration HAS to come out before anything can be any different for the future...

Yes, and this will take time. During this time, you work on you and your issues.

True detachment would be indifference.

Yes.

and the fact that she's venting is something.

Yes. Just don't put to much focus on it. Just note that she is vernting to you is good. How you respond to that is the the important thing. And the most important thing is did/do you intentionally respond the way you want to.

I liked the part about people's love tanks getting down to Empty and needing to be refilled. I'm not sure where that leaves me, though. So far, I think W's language is words of affirmation. So should I start complimenting her more and pumping her up? That would seem counter to DBing.

This is a tricky area. As long as you are not supplicating, you can put out a simple compliment and observe the reaction. "you are such a good mom" or something similar . It has to be natural and sincere. Start slow...treat her like a squirrel. Nothing quick..

[Ready2Change]

Didn't do $hit

Sounds boring.

Do you have plans to do anything exciting the next several evenings? What about Friday night? Saturday and Sunday?


GAL like a madman....LH19 can give you great insight.

[Doug54]

Didn't do $hit

Sounds boring.

Do you have plans to do anything exciting the next several evenings? What about Friday night? Saturday and Sunday?


GAL like a madman....LH19 can give you great insight.

I thought you meant in reference to the anniversary. In general, I definitely get out and do stuff. Just the same, I always welcome input from LH19, though he sounds like a high roller. Might have to settle for the generic version of whatever he's advocating.

[Ready2Change]

I thought you meant in reference to the anniversary.

Ahhh "Didn't do $hit to acknowledge it to her."

Just the same, I always welcome input from LH19, though he sounds like a high roller. Might have to settle for the generic version of whatever he's advocating.

LH19 remembers lots of details of each poster and gives more focused advise than I can. I am more focused on the general patterns based on human nature. I am not sure what you mean by high roller....spending $$$?

[LH19]

Just the same, I always welcome input from LH19, though he sounds like a high roller.

Yep I need more clarification on what you mean before I respond.