Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 12 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
W
Wolfman Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
Originally Posted by kml
I have a question. You said you're working two jobs and money is really tight. I understand that divorce is expensive and you have child support to pay. But are there other factors causing money to be so tight? I mean, just having another adult in the household isn't all that expensive on its own.

Also, is there anything you can do to up your income or reduce your expenses?
Between child support, my mortgage, utilities it [censored] me dry. My second job is commission only and I haven’t made any sales in months. That usually supplements me. That’s been hurting.

Mach1 I am trying to be heard, but it’s like my opinion does t matter. I didn’t mean to get into another relationship so fast. I have realized for a while it was too soon. But I can’t look back, I can only move forward. I am not looking for excuses, try to explain why I think I have a hard time with the validating. The part I mentioned about not having sisters. Trust me I know it seems like I am repeating the same old behaviors but I do catch myself a lot before I make those mistakes. I just let you all know when I make them, then the problems that occur.

Dawn you are absolutely right. Many times it has been expressed to me about me trying to be right. I don’t know what it is with me and that. I really don’t. And I am sorry to all of you for pointing it out to me, for me to only come on at another time and say I made the mistake again. I need to really did deep in myself and understand better what that is. I had so much work I needed to put into myself. I didn’t!!! I was spinning out of control and at the time (not an excuse just telling you what I was feeling and thinking) I was hoping another relationship would just make all the pain go away. Wrong way of thinking, again I have known that for a while now. Just trying to move forward. As far as my son, I speak to him all the time about being respectful. It has got better with him but there is still room to work on.

Originally Posted by Traveler
Wolf, I definitely get growing up not learning to actively listen and validate. I learned those after BD! As I mentioned, a great book on the subject is "The Lost Art of Listening". If you invest time into that now it'll not only help with your GF but also your kids--your son will soon become a teenager and at some point you will get another shot with your daughter.
Thank you for the suggestion, I will look into that book. I REALLY HOPE ONE DAY I CAN HAVE MY DAUGHTER IN MY LIFE AGAIN. I miss her sooooooo much.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Mach1 I am trying to be heard, but it’s like my opinion does t matter.

I didn’t mean to get into another relationship so fast. I have realized for a while it was too soon. But I can’t look back, I can only move forward.

I am not looking for excuses, try to explain why I think I have a hard time with the validating. The part I mentioned about not having sisters.


Trust me I know it seems like I am repeating the same old behaviors but I do catch myself a lot before I make those mistakes.

I just let you all know when I make them, then the problems that occur.


^^^^^



Still more excuses....


The "buts" are your excuse for not doing better....

The "buts" make you an exception to everything proceeding them...

The "buts" keep you stuck in the same behavioral patterns that you allow yourself to have....

And that you know it, and still act on it makes it 10 times worse....


Then you come here, "let us know that you made them", possibly for the attention that you feel you aren't getting elsewhere, because you don't feel validated at home....




Tell me how I'm wrong .....

Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
W
Wolfman Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
Here is a minor situation that came up yesterday. Let me all know what you think, I will outline my day and also what happened. This way it all comes together.
I get up at 4:30am to get to the gym by 5am.
I get home at 6am gf is in bed. I jump in the shower. Start to get ready, gf wakes up and starts to pump. Baby starts to wake up, I grab him and change his diaper. Out the door for work by 6:35.
Work and get home at 12. Bay is napping when I get home. Gf has lunch ready for me. She tells me she is tired and going to take a nap. I eat my lunch then go and fix her ac (about 20 minutes). Then run to the store. Get home baby and gf are sleeping. Got to sit on the couch, 15 minutes baby is waking up, gf asks me to grab baby, I also change his diaper. She prepared his lunch I feed it to him. Just as I finish feed him. She says to me, “I guess I will clean his dishes since I am the only one that does that.” I didn’t say anything. Just so you all know I do it 50% of the time. So now I take the baby out and start playing with him in the play area. I do that for about a half an hour. I come back to where she was and she now looks annoyed. I ask everything ok? She said no, I am just a maid around here. So I asked how can I help? What would you like me to do? She said if you just helped and cleaned up. I said sure and starred to help straighten up the kitchen. And then I had to leave to pick up my son.

I feel very taken for granted. I don’t stop ever in the house. When I do she lets me know for sure. But if she is tired or overwhelmed, I tell her to relax or take a break or I got it. I don’t tell her what she is t doing. She tell me very often the things I am “not doing”. I feel like I do so much and help so much and she is getting g used to it, that when I am not going nonstop, she feels like I am not doing anything. Once again, I pay all the bills, including her car insurance and cell phone, I feed the baby when I am home, change diapers, help clean work 2 jobs, the. Have the nerve to make comments like that. I just don’t feel that is right. But I didn’t get defensive or try to explain what I do. Honestly, her first comment about if she doesn’t do it, it won’t get done caught me off guard, I didn’t know how to validate that, that’s why I just took the baby to another room.
I feel just like with my ex, I try to help out and the more I do; the more they expect and the less they do. And the. Criticize me when I don’t do everything all the time. How would she feel if I worked a 9-5 job and didn’t get home until 6 everyday? Some days, honestly I just feel like I am going to collapse. But I am supposed to be the man and take on everything. I am not supposed to get tired, or sad, or mad. Just be happy and go all day and night I guess.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Wolf,

Originally Posted by Wolf
"I guess I will clean his dishes since I am the only one that does that.” I didn’t say anything. Just so you all know I do it 50% of the time. So now I take the baby out and start playing with him in the play area. I do that for about a half an hour. I come back to where she was and she now looks annoyed. I ask everything ok? She said no, I am just a maid around here. So I asked how can I help?

I mean, you sound like a typical guy who wants to FixIt and has never learned to Listen&Validate.

Exercise: Google, "It's Not About The Nail"

That 2-minute video helped me began my journey to learn to Listen&Validate--I believe it was shared by AnotherStander, a wise member here who moved on. Another great one is the 5-minute TED Talk by Brene Brown on Empathy. Less than 10 minutes and you may have a better idea what your goalposts are. May they help you begin your journey!

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Here is a minor situation that came up yesterday. Let me all know what you think, I will outline my day and also what happened. This way it all comes together.
I get up at 4:30am to get to the gym by 5am.
I get home at 6am gf is in bed. I jump in the shower. Start to get ready, gf wakes up and starts to pump. Baby starts to wake up, I grab him and change his diaper. Out the door for work by 6:35.
Work and get home at 12. Bay is napping when I get home. Gf has lunch ready for me. She tells me she is tired and going to take a nap. I eat my lunch then go and fix her ac (about 20 minutes). Then run to the store. Get home baby and gf are sleeping. Got to sit on the couch, 15 minutes baby is waking up, gf asks me to grab baby, I also change his diaper. She prepared his lunch I feed it to him. Just as I finish feed him. She says to me, “I guess I will clean his dishes since I am the only one that does that.” I didn’t say anything. Just so you all know I do it 50% of the time. So now I take the baby out and start playing with him in the play area. I do that for about a half an hour. I come back to where she was and she now looks annoyed. I ask everything ok? She said no, I am just a maid around here. So I asked how can I help? What would you like me to do? She said if you just helped and cleaned up. I said sure and starred to help straighten up the kitchen. And then I had to leave to pick up my son.

I feel very taken for granted. I don’t stop ever in the house. When I do she lets me know for sure. But if she is tired or overwhelmed, I tell her to relax or take a break or I got it. I don’t tell her what she is t doing. She tell me very often the things I am “not doing”. I feel like I do so much and help so much and she is getting g used to it, that when I am not going nonstop, she feels like I am not doing anything. Once again, I pay all the bills, including her car insurance and cell phone, I feed the baby when I am home, change diapers, help clean work 2 jobs, the. Have the nerve to make comments like that. I just don’t feel that is right. But I didn’t get defensive or try to explain what I do. Honestly, her first comment about if she doesn’t do it, it won’t get done caught me off guard, I didn’t know how to validate that, that’s why I just took the baby to another room.
I feel just like with my ex, I try to help out and the more I do; the more they expect and the less they do. And the. Criticize me when I don’t do everything all the time. How would she feel if I worked a 9-5 job and didn’t get home until 6 everyday? Some days, honestly I just feel like I am going to collapse. But I am supposed to be the man and take on everything. I am not supposed to get tired, or sad, or mad. Just be happy and go all day and night I guess.




You're not a Martyr Wolf...So maybe stop acting that way.


No matter how crappy they are at the moment...

They are still YOUR decision that you made...


I would venture a guess that neither of you are too happy with yourself about the way you are handling things...

Have you ever sat down with her and calmly explained that....

When you say ______ I feel _____________


When you do __________I feel ________


??????


I would say that you BOTH are making excuses to treat each other poorly...

I think that you BOTH have expectations of what you each think this should be, and neither of you are either willing, or capable of verbalizing those expectations...and appreciating what the other is going through....



Unspoken expectations often lead to unresolvable resentments....



Let me give you an assignment here....

Sometime soon, walk up behind her and whisper in her ear....

Name one thing that you would like to have done today, that you totally hate doing, and I will do it , no questions asked....

And then follow it through.....


See if that changes the dynamic a bit....

1 member likes this: bttrfly
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Originally Posted by Mach1
Let me give you an assignment here....

Sometime soon, walk up behind her and whisper in her ear....

Name one thing that you would like to have done today, that you totally hate doing, and I will do it , no questions asked....

And then follow it through.....


See if that changes the dynamic a bit....

woman's perspective: you would definitely get my attention if you did this Wolfman. I hope you take Mach's advice and come back to let us know what happened.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I didn’t say anything. Just so you all know I do it 50% of the time. I feel just like with my ex, I try to help out and the more I do; the more they expect and the less they do. don’t stop ever in the house. And the. Criticize me when I don’t do everything all the time.
You're responsible for doing 50% of the chores outside your work hours. I agree going beyond 55%. is not the answer. If the load's overwhelming, start tracking what you're both doing, and consider what you can drop. Dawn encouraged me to drop washing dishes and use paper plates and plastic utensils, and that was a great idea for a spell. I don't always make my bed or shine my sink and the world doesn't implode. As much as I love making fancy dinners, sometimes an $8 Tombstone pizza is just the ticket. Getting at least some chill time with my family and by myself daily trumps most chores.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Between child support, my mortgage, utilities it [censored] me dry. My second job is commission only and I haven’t made any sales in months. That usually supplements me. That’s been hurting.
It's hard to imagine a budget without some fat. You probably know I've trimmed $1500/mo off of mine. You may not know I helped a friend who had "nothing to cut" cut $200/mo. If your second job isn't generating income, could you spend 30min/day to cut expenses? Some places I cut expenses--negotiating with my gym, negotiating with my Internet/phone company, switching auto insurance, reducing electricity use, etc. Many of these bills are not as "fixed" as they may appear.

I'm just saying--fewer chores and expenses may make life easier!

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
PS - Wolf, I don't see you as "playing the martyr" in this situation. You've already acknowledged you rushed into this relationship and could work on some skills. Your GF's immaturity and insecurity is also playing a role. As my MC used to say, you're the one showing up to improve the relationship, and given you have a baby together that's wise. Props. I'm rooting for you to pick 1-2 areas to improve: taking her on more regular dates, listening and validation, gratitude for her contributions, trimming your budget, trimming your chores--and seeing how your life improves! I'd love for your weeks to include a sense of satisfaction, good sex, and contentedness like mine. Peace, and don't wait a month to return. wink

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Something very detrimental to a marriage or partnership is keeping score. Keeping score focuses attention on the other, not on one's own behaviors. It's pretty hard to do any kind of personal growth if one is focused on the other.

OTOH, it's a great way to cultivate resentments when one is keeping score.

Put another way: how would you feel if your partner kept a tally on you?

It's easy to feel overwhelmed with an infant or tiny human. For something so itty bitty, it sure takes a lot of time and effort and energy to keep those wee ones thriving. The overwhelm is different for men and women from a purely biological perspective; it's not a pi$$ing contest of one person being more exhausted and overwhelmed than the other, or one doing more than the other.

The question is what do you do with it?

How important is the relationship to you? Can each of you separate out the very short term and real heavy duty lifting needed in the first years of a baby's life to see the long term for this relationship?

Many years ago I heard this: every time you point the finger at someone else, three are coming back at you.

Look at yourself, your own behavior.

What about this triggers you?

What about this can you change?

As counter-intuitive as it sounds, dig deeper - for patience, for understanding, for compassion for both your partner and yourself.

Lead with love and see what happens.

Just some suggestions.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Page 8 of 12 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard