1st post. I don’t know where to put this post. I’m guessing moderators will move it to the right place. I hope they don’t delete it as I need help. I’m in such pain. I know my post is ridiculous. I’m focusing too much on the OW. 😔
I am Theia. My MLC H of 20 years lives at home but he’s MLC so not happy. He’s undeniably selfish. Doesn’t care about my feelings, only has enough time to put himself first. Admits this, saying he gave and gave for years so now it’s his turn to be first. Yet sometimes he’s kind, considerate. He makes dinner for me, us several times a week. (I’ve been told by people this is bad! Don’t allow this as he has an OW. A lot about the OW below. Let me know your thoughts on this. Btw, I don’t do H laundry or anything else. He takes care of himself, I take care of me. I will cook for us, as he cooks for us.) H was great on my birthday in April, Mother's Day in May he made special. Twice in the last 2 months he referred to me as Wife & him as Husband. But as we know, as we are here, I am here, H is MLC. 7yrs MLC with a 3 1/2 yr unreciprocated Limerence EA with a co-worker that is using him. H knows he’s in MLC, sometimes. Other times he says he thinks it’s a convenient excuse, that he’s just unhappy with our marriage, with our family, with our house, with his life. Says we took all his money. Script. I know I’m going to be told off by people here for not detaching, for not dropping the rope, for talking to my H about our relationship and MLC. This morning I got upset while H & were talking. Same reason: OW. I’m doing everything wrong now after keeping it all bottled up inside for months before H knew I knew about OW, about his lies. It’s SO hard when your MLC’er lives at home, works from home and you hear him talking to OW knowing he’s getting his Limerence hit. H said again today he’s not willing to give her up yet. Maybe 3 mos, maybe 6mos. He’s due to retire in 2 years so it can’t go past that as OW only talks to H for work. I’m jealous that with me he’s miserable, unhappy, but any contact from her and he feels that high, is happy for whatever short time he speaks to her or even gets work messages from her. It’s always about work. OW is not interested in H. He went to India earlier this year, telling me he was going there to work. But it was a lie. He went there to see her, the OW. To give it one last try. She largely ghosted him while he was there, seeing him only 3x. Once with her fiancé, twice with her extended family. When she did see him she stood away from him. I’ve seen the photos, read the messages. He booked a beach resort in Goa for Valentine’s week while there as she said a year earlier she always wanted to go. She didn’t go. He messaged her 2 days prior to pack her bags, she didn’t reply, then 12 hours before the flight she told him she couldn’t get off work. But her extended family all went, at H expense. Opportunistic Con artists, the lot of them! (I worry how much of our money H has given/spent on OW & her extended family.) H admitted he knows she was never going to go. He knows she is not interested in him, but he still wants to talk to her, even just about work, as he gets the high and he feels happy. Limerence chemicals are more addictive than heroin. H used to be a smart man. But not now when it comes to OW. H told me a co-worker approached him to warn him about OW, saying she had accused two co-workers of sexual harassment and had them fired! I was stunned. I asked H when that was? H said 2 to 2 1/2 YEARS ago. I said And still you continued? H said She wouldn’t do that to me. 😧 I know it’s H problem, OW is on his page. I know it’s not real love. He will never have her but it hurts so badly. I didn’t do this to him. I am not the cause of his MLC. I’ve experienced so much pain, loss, crisis in my life and now this too. Sorry for the pity party on Aisle 5. 🙁
To answer how I know he’s 7yrs MLC. There are photo evidence of his obsession with his OW/LO going back to January 2019. Before that photos of our family, after photos of her. So I assumed MLC around 2018. Late May 2022 H caught me spying on his phone. He Monstered. Threatened to get solicitor. I said one word: India. And watched H face fall. He knew he was caught. A week passed, H laying in bed staring at the wall, looking terrified. I kept waiting for an apology. I finally spoke up, asked why he had not apologised for lying, for India, for OW? H said he was waiting for me to serve him. He sounded like a little boy. Curled in a ball, afraid. Then H told me there is something wrong with him. Did I know what is wrong with him? I sat there unmoving. Stunned. He knows. H said Please T tell me. You know don’t you? I thought We are told to never talk about MLC. Please T. So I told him, expecting H to reject it, monster. He didn’t. I told him there are stages. Asked if he wanted me to read them? Yes. About 3/4 through I asked if he wanted me to continue? Yes. He said Acceptance sounds complicated and made up with its arches & fields. H asked what stage I think he’s at? I said Withdrawal/Depression. H said he thinks that’s right. I said I think you are 4 years MLC. H said longer. Then he named a specific event in our family’s past July 2015 when he started to feel bad. The excruciating death from cancer of our lovely brother in law 7 years ago. I’ve since looked back at family photos in the months before and after and you can see H happy before, joy in his eyes, and after you can see his decline. He’s aged 20 years in 7 years. 😢 MLC has been brutal to my H. The death 7 years ago wasn’t the cause. The cause was childhood trauma. The death 7yrs ago was the final tipping point along with the horrible painful deaths also by cancer of my H parents years before. Sometimes H, my H appears and he quietly tells me things. I don’t ask, he just starts talking and I listen. In the last 2 1/2 mos I’ve been privileged to hear him acknowledge 3 medical issues he’s been denying for years. I am really proud of him. I made our marriage a safe place. I am his person. I think he may be dipping into Acceptance a bit? But maybe only a bit, not that I wouid really know. Just guessing. Hoping. He doesn’t talk to OW about personal things. He’s tried, I saw the texts, overheard one conversation, but she shuts him down. Not interested in his problems or his story, just in what he can do for her. He asked her for a favour a few months back, saying to her as he does so many favours for her maybe he couid ask her for a favour? Can she tell him how to make ginger tea? (He’d had it in India.) OW typed back telling H to look on YouTube. !!! I’m not his therapist. I know this is his crisis. I also know he will not speak to anyone else, refuses therapy, counselling, coaching. Refuses to see a doctor about his depression. I asked if he would take Tryptophan, which he’s been taking 2x a day for 6 weeks, says it’s helping a bit. He’s on the spectrum and talking about emotions, vulnerable, personal things is more than difficult for him so it’s me that he has or no one. I guess that’s why he’s still at home. I know I’m too close. Too involved. Too emotional. I’m a mess. And that makes me very unattractive to my H. I get upset while OW stays calm. Of course OW stays calm. She doesn’t care about H. Has NO idea what’s going on. Doesn’t know H is in MLC. Doesn’t know she’s his LO. Knows nothing about Limerence. She doesn’t care! And she doesn’t know her existence is deeply affecting my marriage. I want to tell her but know I can’t tell her, all hell would break loose with H and H needs to take care of his own messes. I know I’m “lucky” my H OW is an unrequited long distance EA. I am grateful for that. I’m such a lightweight, it’s embarrassing. It is not lost on me that H brain chose an unavailable woman 5,000 miles away to be his LO. I wonder why, as does H. He wonders if he knew he would never been able to cheat? I know it seems like H talks a lot. No, he doesn’t. But when he talks, comes out of the fog tunnel, he talks a long time. Once 8 hours. But only in the last month. 📆
One last thing. Two weeks ago H & I were in our bedroom. H was working on his laptop, we were talking, family stuff. I heard H clear his throat weirdly, I looked at him, H did this insistent motion with his arm towards the door as he said “Work call” in such a way that I didn’t feel welcome in my own bedroom. I felt devalued & disrespected. I was so shocked I just left, though I wish I’d spoken up. I stood outside the door and heard H tone change. He told her He “would help her. Go into the office the next day, find a desk away from others and could stay late if she wanted.” I reacted, I don’t know, maybe badly, maybe ok. I have lost perspective, lost belief in myself, which is upsetting as I’m actually a pretty Bad A$$ Lady that’s been through & mastered some difficult stuff in my life, a lot in the last 10 years. I moved H to the downstairs guest room the next day. H Monstered. Again said he’d get a solicitor. He didn’t. He’s now been down in the guest room 2 weeks, 2 days. He hates it in the guest room. But knows my feelings about OW. And that he behaved appallingly! Maybe instead of taking the drastic step to move him I should have put boundaries in place, NO talking to OW in our bedroom. I know at this point she’s not exiting his life, not just because H won’t get rid of her but because H works with her, she’s on his team, and H is on contract. If he asks she be moved to another team it’s a red flag. Same if he asks to be moved. And he’s almost 64, so job prospects are slim. Am I being smart by putting in this boundary or am I stupid? Should I let H know it’s ok to come back to our room with boundaries in place? Wait this out. Limerence can’t last forever can it? Work related calls & messages only from what I’ve seen. Should I support him deciding to move out? (This morning H spoke about maybe talking to his brother, moving to his brothers. H really dislikes his brother.) Should I just say nothing? Or should I follow his lead. This is all making it sound like H is in charge. Like I have no say. No power. I made a move to protect myself. It was the right thing to do. Boundaries! H is a Low Energy Wallower, if you follow types from the Hero’s Spouse website. He’s not a really decisive person. He has said he wants us to sell our house to our daughter, I stay here and he moves to his own small quiet empty flat/apartment while he gets his head sorted. Then maybe I can join him in the future. That just feels like he wants to get rid of me. But that’s MLC H, likely MLC Monster that wants to have their own place free of wife, family, house, all the things the script narrative said was the cause of H unhappiness. MLC lies. Right? Plus having his own place meaning H could speak to OW without being overheard by wifey. Not that she wouid talk to him any more than now. I feel he’s wanting me to tell him what to do but I won’t do that, I won’t be blamed for kicking him out. If he leaves it’s his decision, he owns it. I worry if he leaves that will be it, he’ll never return. Marriage over. But isn’t it over now anyway? He’s not himself. But I also know sometimes, or for just about all, they need to leave to progress. I miss my husband. He was a wonderful man. He loved me. Loved our family. I miss his jokes. He always made me laugh. This selfish guy occupying H body ain’t him. I ask the Universe daily to not let me get in my H way to healing. I dearly hope H makes it through and we reconnect. I want to be ready. So I know I need to work on me. I need to get out of my own way to healing as well. I have a list of things to do for me I need to push my unhealthy worry & fear & control re my H MLC & OW out of the way to make myself my priority. ❤️
This crisis is the latest crisis in our family going on 10 years. One after the other. I’m emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted. I know I must step back, put myself 1st and let go of my husbands MLC. Anyone here have an at home MLC’er that reached Acceptance that never left home that can tell me how you did it? How did you handle Withdrawal? Detach? 🤷🏼♀️
Thank you for reading my long & winding post. I’m having a rough day so if you could be kind when you respond I’d really appreciate that a whole lot. 🙏🏻🥹
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the boards. You are among folks who understand and empathize. There are many kind people here with much hard earned wisdom; much of which will be counterintuitive at first.
First off, your post was not ridiculous. It takes some strength to reach out, to speak about the deep pain and horrible situation. A good step along the path of self healing, in my view.
It is clear you have done plenty of reading about MLC. Every MLCer is different, yet they do seem to follow a certain script. Ideas regarding timelines and timeframes for a crisis/stages are not accurate. Some folks do grow and exit their crisis, and others continue to run until the end of their days.
I’d place H still in replay. If there is another person around, the crisis individual is still running and mostly in replay. Certainly H exhibits moments of awakening and lucidity, and then gets dragged back into his torment and reaching out to his EA.
I am familiar with the site(s) you have likely read and researched. And those will confirm that oftentimes an emotional affair is more difficult to end or move from than a physical affair. A long distance relationship with very little (or no) meet ups, has a draw that is very much in the fantasy realm. All crisis “romances” exist within the fantasy realm, it’s just that the EA can have deeper hooks. H’s draw to an OW that treats him so poorly highlights how moths to a flame he is. And he is getting burnt.
It is interesting that H acknowledges his crisis, at times. During those more lucid moments. Peeking out of the tunnel as it is often referred too.
Originally Posted by Theia
He’s now been down in the guest room 2 weeks, 2 days. He hates it in the guest room. But knows my feelings about OW. And that he behaved appallingly! Maybe instead of taking the drastic step to move him I should have put boundaries in place, NO talking to OW in our bedroom.
Yes some boundaries are needed.
I agree moving H out of the bedroom if he is entangled with OW. Also his disrespectful and dismissive attitude toward you needs to be considered and addressed.
A live at home MLCer is a difficult thing. You have been at this for a long time, 3 1/2 years. Obviously you are standing.
Have you talked with H about the incident that brought about his consequences of living in the spare room?
I gather you would probably let him back into the bedroom. Be clear with your boundary and the enforcement that will occur if he violates it.
Originally Posted by Theia
Am I being smart by putting in this boundary or am I stupid? Should I let H know it’s ok to come back to our room with boundaries in place? Wait this out. Limerence can’t last forever can it? Work related calls & messages only from what I’ve seen. Should I support him deciding to move out? (This morning H spoke about maybe talking to his brother, moving to his brothers. H really dislikes his brother.) Should I just say nothing? Or should I follow his lead.
Boundaries are for you. To allow you space and breathing room to heal. That is a smart thing!
Limerence can last a long time.
Theia, my view is H (and you) has found an equilibrium and is stuck. He is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to live at home, have suppers, nice talks, (sex ?), and still talks to OW on the side.
You should not try to manipulate his path. I think you know you cannot, as H needs to traverse his path at his speed. However, you need to traverse your path! And that will influence H’s path.
If H wants to move out, let him. Not placing boulders in the way is all. You don’t make his decision to leave or stay.
“Should I follow his lead?” You should follow your lead.
Focus on you!
Detach. Let go.
H is almost 64. I missed reading how old you are. Do you still work? Have you spoken to a lawyer regarding separating? Not saying to separate, just knowing your options is all. And do not mention this to H! Do not tell him of your playbook.
Originally Posted by Theia
He has said he wants us to sell our house to our daughter, I stay here and he moves to his own small quiet empty flat/apartment while he gets his head sorted. Then maybe I can join him in the future.
No, no, no! Do not sell the house.
If H wants to leave, fine. However, your house is a joint asset. And you need a place to live. When H’s head is all sorted out he can come back to live with you. That is what I’d be responding back to him.
Originally Posted by Theia
I feel he’s wanting me to tell him what to do but I won’t do that, I won’t be blamed for kicking him out. If he leaves it’s his decision, he owns it.
Yes.
Good.
Follow that!
Originally Posted by Theia
I worry if he leaves that will be it, he’ll never return. Marriage over. But isn’t it over now anyway?
Leave or stay, matters not. H’s crisis will play out as it will. You cannot control the outcome. You can only control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. If your marriage is restored it is a bonus, the primary goal is you! You are the most important person in this equation.
Detach. Let go. Become, in the very best sense, fearless.
Breathe. It will be ok.
(((Hugs)))
I look forward to speaking with you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I need experienced replies please. I am very confused.
My MLC H, 20 yrs married, lives at home. This is key. I am trying to Detach. It is hard when both you & the MLC’er live together & work from home. Please know I am trying. While this post is about my H I am doing things I enjoy. I recently cut my hair 6” and went from my natural blonde & galaxy to a lovely pastel pink. The shorter length made it so my natural curls came back to life. I see friends. I am working on our home, recently having the entire friend floor done in engineered oak. I’ve lost weight. I’m riding my bike. I’m trying new recipes. I’m taking a course on healing from betrayal. Early in July I went to the seaside by myself for 4 days. I’m working on my PIES. I’m reading a lot here and supporting others on the two FB MLC groups I’m in.
…
I became aware earlier this year of his 3 yr (at that point, 3 1/2 yea now) un-requited EA with a co-worker. She lives 5,000 miles away in India and has a long-term fiancé. I snooped loads and found H Limerence Object is not interested in a relationship with my H. What she is interested in is using him. January 2019 she came to the UK on a temp work visa to work for same company as my H. She was placed on my H team. She immediately turned her charms on my H, leaning in, acting coy, praising him to stroke his ego, inviting him to dinner to thank him, sending him a leading text. H says she’s insecure about her job. I’ve seen proof of this all. H says she’s insecure about her job. This does not take away from my H responsibility. HE was the married party. H appears to have White Knight Syndrome. My H is not the 1st she’s done this too. 2 months ago H told me a co-worker warned him about her 2 1/2 years ago, saying she accused 2 co-workers of sexual harassment, getting them fired. I was stunned. I said to an, And yet you still continued! H replied: She wouldn’t do that to me.
Late May H caught me snooping. Monstered. Threatened D. Then told me something is wrong with him. He sees me on my phone researching something, messaging people. I know what is wrong with him, please tell him. I told him MLC, expecting him to reject. He did not reject. I asked if he wanted to know the stages? He said yes. I read him the stages from the Hearts Blessing page. He asked me what stage I think he’s at? I said I think Withdrawal. He said he agrees. I told him I think he’s been MLC about 4 years, from a year before his Limerence with LO began. H said longer then named the event that was the tipping point, the excruciating death of a loved family member July 2015. I have looked back at photos leading back to the death then moving forward and you can see the decline of my H. He’s aged 20 years in 7 years. He is tortured.
H wants to maintain a “marriage” with me. But it’s not a real marriage. He either doesn’t want to be alone or he’s waiting, hoping his LO will change her mind and if she doesn’t I’m still there, 2nd option. Or, like he said once he’s not ready to be a WE yet. I know they lie. I know not to believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do. If I distance, he chases. But that I found out about his emotional affair his feelings for that horrible woman, and I didn’t leave him. Didn’t divorce him. I fear that makes me weak, pathetic, doormat in his eyes. H sends me texts to let me know when he’s on his way home from golf. When he’s leaving work. When he’s going to the grocery store. What do I want for dinner?
But he’s also been mean. 3 weeks ago telling me: 1. She’s calm. You are drama. 2. Her personality goes better with mine than yours does. 3. Talking to her is the only happiness I feel in my day. 4. He wants to cake eat, gave me here at home & her at work. I was hurt. I got upset. That same conversation I said OW is manipulative & selfish. Later in the conversation H admitted OW is manipulative, then later he said she is selfish. I am not kidding myself that this was some eye opening revelation for H. But it was good to hear him admit. H told me he had to work so I needed to go. I said it was a mistake talking to you. I later apologised for being upset. H replied “It was understandable.” Of course H never apologised for saying those horrible things to me. Every day I hear his voice in my head saying them - even though I know everything they say is a lie and that woman is a trash person, is not who H’s Limerence Halo Effect paints her to be, it still hurts. I need to detach so this does not hurt. Then I will have real power when he can’t hurt me with OW or anything.
And this: H & I went away for the weekend to look at properties where we’ve long talked about retiring. We looked at two properties. One had the most amazing sea View but was not right for us. He other I love. I had sen it before 2 weeks earlier. H liked it too. (Im going to post a more detailed thread below, for completeness and because I want a record of my situation. I hope that’s ok.) H is a golfer so we thought we’d use the opportunity for him to try the local course. H told our son in law he was happy to be going, was happy I was going to see him golf and drive the golf cart. I’d not seen him golf before so I was really looking forward to driving the golf cart. H behaved badly most of Saturday, walking ahead of me, not speaking to me at breakfast, criticising everything I did while he was golfing. Drive faster! Why are you going that way? Go that way! For 3 hours! I was wearing dark sunglasses that hid my tears. That evening we got fish and chips, took it back to our gorgeous hotel room with a balcony. H reluctantly stopped playing his one-person game on his phone to join me on the balcony for fish & chips. With a slight smirk he said he’d forgot my tartar sauce, but he’d managed to remember his curry sauce. I didn’t react. (This week H has twice asked me if I wanted Fish & Chips? The way he worded it. Guilt. He knows what he did! And he feels guilty. That’s really good.) Later that night at the hotel H jerked away like I had the plague when I rolled over. Oddly there were 2 beds. He couid have slept in the other one. Later I encouraged him to golf at the other local course the next day. An hour after he booked his slot I told him I wasn’t going with him. He was shocked. Asked why? I told him I wanted some time to myself. The next morning he was attentive to me. Getting my breakfast, helping me down stairs. He was then fixated on where I would go during that time, looking at a local map of the area. I figure to keep me from seeing his sister, telling her what he’s been up to. The OW. I did speak to his sister. She asks how he is? I tell her he’s not doing very well, something is wrong with him. She says she knows. I tell her I am helping him. She says Good. I tell her I can’t say more now.
The one thing H did do, seems a big step forward. This happened when we arrived at the hotel. Go to hotel. H goes in to get hotel to unlock the parking spot I reserved. He’s gone a long time, 10 minutes. H comes out with hotel guy who flamboyantly ushers me into a spot. H quickly apologises for taking so long, says hotel kept saying we didn’t book parking but I told them I know my wife booked parking. Later while having fish & chips on the balcony I pull out my phone to find the email to show him I did pay for parking. He glances at it, says I know you did, you told me you did. The reason this is major is for several years now, likeky about 6 or 7 years I’m guessing, H always believed other people, chose other people over me. Strangers. Other drivers. It really messed with my confidence and stability of our relationship as H wasn’t like that before. I now know it was MLC but I did t know before. So to have H believe in me. Fight for me to the hotel dude is BIG. I hope those reading this understand this. I am grateful that I witnessed him do this because the weekend was a mess. H clearly wasn’t ready to do such a couples activity. I don’t know why he wanted to go. He’s torn. Confused.
Last weekend was our oldests birthday. H asked if he needed to change his golf time to attend. He was there early. He smiled, laughed, enjoyed the grandkids, attended to my needs. I wasn’t feeling well so H tried for 10 minutes to get wait staff attention to get me a coke. He did the same getting napkins & forks for cake. He cut the cake and passed it out, first time I’ve ever seen him do that ever. And the following day after the photo collage of the party was put on FB he liked the photo. First like of a family photo in maybe 2 years. 😊
I’ve said nothing to H about his behaviour that weekend. Seems he was baiting me to see how I would react. I’ve read they do this in the later stages? Or is it something else? I don’t know if I’m supposed to ignore this or speak up, set boundaries. HB says we lead in the later stages via boundaries. Last week I pulled way back. And H chased. I was busy. I did SMART contact. This week I am struggling more. H told me last week his bosses wanted everyone to go into the office more. Then he left, a couple minutes later came back in the room, sat down, looked at the floor and quietly said he will try to only go in on Wednesday. That’s the day he speaks to the OW unrequited Limerence Object co-worker. Yet this week he went into work Tuesday & Wednesday. I know I have no control. It’s his MLC. I know I need to detach. I don’t know how to BE around him! He wants us to play pretend marriage where we communicate or plans & talk about family - not relationship, have dinner together, he has his one-sided Limerence EA, H cake eats. Or do I speak to him, tell him what he’s done that is hurtful - stand up for myself while I also tell him the good things he’s doing. Or do I Go Dark, or is it Dim when they live with you? I look and look for posts by someone who is/has gone through this. A 7yr MLC’er still at home. Or if you want to just look at BD, start of his EA, 3 1/2 years. H is a MLC’er that knows he’s MLC. Who has come out of the fog to tell me important painful events that were triggers, the detailed painful deaths of his parents from cancer 20 & 30 years ago. H trusts me. I’m not his therapist but I’m important to him. His person. He will never talk to anyone else about his feelings, memories, his pain, his struggles, including the OW. Their relationship is surface. And all about what HE can do for HER. I am not saying H MLC is reliant on me. I just want to understand the complexities involved so I can make the best decision for myself. Is a decision to Go Dark, for instance, a help for me but a closed door for H? I live with this man. I just want to know how best to proceed. Practical ideas please. 🙏🏻
Some days I want to be the most joyous person. Playing music. Laughing. Being that Lighthouse. Enjoying that Picnic. Is this my way forward? How do I stay there? How do I not let the pain & darkness get to me?
I had a vision so clear I could almost touch it. I literally KICKED the OW out of MY seat, MY THRONE. ME Putting on my crown, taking back my throne. 👑
I am important. As DnJ said: The most important person in this situation.
Thank you for your replies & Support. Please don’t just tell me to forget about him, ignore him. We live in the same house with our daughter, her husband and 3 grandsons. Ages 3 1/2 yo twins and 7 1/2 yo. Our 14 yo granddaughter also comes to the house daily. Brings her friends. It’s a busy household. I need the home to stay as balanced and healthy as possible. Not hostile. I need calm. Peace. For me. And I believe calm & peace will also help my H. And everyone else too.
Sorry you're going through that. 3-7 years must be very difficult. My situation was much different in that now-ExW BD'd me, moved out & filed within 5 months.
Originally Posted by Theia
While this post is about my H I am doing things I enjoy. I recently cut my hair 6” and went from my natural blonde & galaxy to a lovely pastel pink. The shorter length made it so my natural curls came back to life. I see friends. I am working on our home, recently having the entire friend floor done in engineered oak. I’ve lost weight. I’m riding my bike. I’m trying new recipes. I’m taking a course on healing from betrayal. Early in July I went to the seaside by myself for 4 days. I’m working on my PIES. I’m reading a lot here and supporting others on the two FB MLC groups I’m in.
To me this is the best paragraph from your posts: new hairstyle, friend time, home improvements, weight loss, bike riding, recipes, self-improvement class, personal vacation...all great stuff. Keep focusing on improving yourself and making your life enjoyable.
Your H is on his own journey. I doubt anything you do to change that will matter. He's chasing a fantasy that's half a world away and doesn't even want him. Do your best to detach and not let his day to day behaviors impact you.
Hang in there...
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
What you are going through is awful and many of us here can relate.
Keep taking care of yourself and living your life. It is his journey and you cannot change it. Detaching while living together is hard. You may want to look for Wayfarer’s and May22’s threads. Both of them stood for their marriages and made it to piecing. Maybe their journey’s might provide some insights for you.
Hang in there!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
About that retirement home - don't buy anything now unless you have money to burn.
IF you end up divorced, having more debt on another property could be a bad financial move - so just don't so anything that would put you in a bad spot if you did divorce (not saying you will, but...). Also, I'd be worried about the financial fallout if this OW gets him fired too like he did others.
I went along with buying a stupid piece of property in Mexico when I was trying to be cooperative with my MLC spouse and all it got me was less money in the divorce.
Sounds like you are doing plenty right with your GAL activities, keep it up. You don't have control over whether your H ever snaps out of it or not, so LIVE YOUR LIFE. That way, if he does come back, you'll be more interesting, and if he doesn't, you have a running start on making your future life fabulous.
Well, I knew something was odd this week. H was distant, cold, stressed. He went in to work Tuesday, Wednesday & today, Thursday. (normally works at home since Covid) Except Wednesdays since H found me snooping in his phone 2 1/2 months ago and learned I knew of his Limerence obsession with his co-worker.
Tonight as usual H sent message when he was on his way home from work. He’d gone in to work Tuesday, Weds, Thurs. Unlike him, for 2 years he’s been working every day at home since Covid, only started to go in to the office on Wednesdays after H found out I knew about India, about his lies 2 months ago. I suspect he goes in to the office to speak to HER. Only this week has he gone in other days. I knew it was odd. He texted problem on motorway, he’d be late. I made dinner as I was hungry. I get my food and sat down just as he was coming in the door. He looked stressed. Said What are we having for dinner? I had messaged him to ask if he wanted Velveeta on his burgers but he didn’t read my message or respond. (If SHE messaged him he’d read it and respond immediately. Damn Limerence.) Anyway, he sits down to eat. He’s acting odd. Jumps at me a couple times. I didn’t react. He and grandson decide to watch a movie upstairs in his parents room. An hour later H comes back downstairs, says grandsons parents wanted him to go to bed. H was nervous. I go to change over laundry. I tell H all this laundry is from our granddaughters room, I’m cleaning it, tidying it. It’s a mess. She’s away at her moms this week so I’m doing it when she’s away. I tell him this, That I’m doing it without her knowing as she would have a fit knowing anyones in her room but we’ve been asking for for 6 months to tidy and it just gets worse. H says Yes, do it without telling her. It needs to be done. While we are talking I’m taking clothes from the dryer, folding them. H then tells me he may go in to the office tomorrow. He’s doing a lot of calculations and it’s easier on the big screen. He then asks me for £4,000 to pay his tax bill. I say Oh, I’d like to talk about that when you are in a good place. Let me know ok? He said “It’s due tomorrow. If you won’t act like my partner and help me then I’ll just get a loan.” I replied: I said I wanted to talk about it. I didn’t say no. He said “We can talk now.” I said ok. I go into the lounge and say I have concerns. He jumps all over that and says I’m not being supportive. I tell him I have been supportive. I’ve been patient. I have given him space. He laughs and says no you haven’t, you come in and give me drugs. I said I knock at the door, wait til you say ok, then enter to give you orange juice to take with your Tryptophan! Which is a natural amino acid. That you wanted to take. I hand you orange juice. You take the tryptophan on your own, you keep the bottle with your other medications o the shelf by the bed. He said It’s not working! I said you have Midlife Crisis and you said you were feeling a bit better 6 weeks after starting the Tryptophan. It needs longer. He then went back to the tax money, me giving him £4,000. I said I have needs too. He said it’s a loan, just a loan, I’ll pay it back with interest. I say I’m not interested in that. If I gave you the money it wouldn’t need to be paid back. My need is the same as I have said before. I want to be added to our family bank account. H said he doesn’t think he is ready for that. I added why? He said he doesn’t know. I said No one is keeping you here. You can leave. But I don’t want you to as I am your wife. I am your greatest supporter. And I know you are not yourself. You have Midlife Crisis. I suspect you don’t want me to be added as you’ve been spending money on OW and her extended family and you don’t want me to see. He then says he’s in debt because of the money I’ve spent. I said what have I spent? He said since I got back. I said I don’t think that’s true. He said you want to see the account, see, look. He opens the bank account hands me the phone, I start to look, get 2 scrolls, he’s going on and on about how I spend money. I’m saying Where? What money? He says eBay! Amazon! I say when was that? He says Christmas. I said everyone spends money at Christmas. We have 4 grandchildren. I’ve been very good with money this year. Im scrolling as I’m talking, nothing I see makes sense, lots of charges from H, golf, other charges, things I don’t recognise, I say nothing. I see No eBay. One Amazon, the most recent tryptophan. Then he takes his phone back, says “Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked you. I knew you wouldn’t help me. I’m moving out after Ireland.” (He’s going to Ireland with his sister & brother for an elderly Aunts birthday End of August) H Leaves the room. Goes into his room, closes the doors hard.
I think So, this is going to be his new narrative. How his wife wouldn’t help him with his taxes. 🙄 So I carefully wrote out my reasons for my concerns. This is my boundary. I’ve put *** where names are. I put the full name of the other woman in the message as this is a record of the situation. The time for skirting is over. I love my husband. I also love myself. My husband is not acting in OUR best interests, he is not currently himself, I cannot fix him. I have given so much love, patience, kindness, space. I have made our marriage a safe place, and at times in his MLC the last few months he has come to me to tell me secrets inside him that are clearly part of his MLC process. I was proud of him for facing these issues, voicing them, telling me, not sweeping them under the rug. Progress. Good for him. I know my H is still in there. Tonight I witnessed Monster. Ugly, selfish, illogical, impatient, critical Monster. I really dislike him.
Below is how I responded by WhatsApp to the exchange in person with Monster. I sent the message below to H 2 hours ago. H hasn’t read it yet, his last time being on WhatsApp an hour before I sent the message. I was hoping he’d read it tonight so he’d have the night to sleep on it. I didn’t want him to take it into his day at work but it is what it is. H didn’t care how what he said affected me.
“***, Don’t you attempt to turn this around on me. Blaming me. This is on you. I have legitimate reason to be concerned about OUR finances and to feel I am being manipulated. Let’s clarify what you did ***. In January of this year you told me the purpose of the trip you were taking to India for 3 weeks was a work trip, just a work trip, paid for by your company. But in reality you were going to see ****** *****, whom you have been in Limerence with since January 2019 behind my back. You have been spending money on ****** & her extended family for 3 1/2 years. Our family money paid for your trip to India. I suspect some of the money you asked me for to pay your taxes end of January was used to pay for your trip, excursions, meals in India, including flights to Goa and a beach resort. And yet you repeatedly say money spent on Christmas - on our family, our children & grandchildren - is the problem? Yet for 19 years prior Christmas for our family was not a problem. You are deflecting to take the spotlight off of you and your money mishandling. I have been patient. I have given you space. I have asked you to be honest with me. I have compassion as you are having a Midlife Crisis, which you know you are having as you told me yourself on 3rd June this year that you know something is wrong with you, you told me that I must know what is wrong with you & you begged me to tell you. I asked you specific questions that identify Midlife Crisis and you answered Yes to all. At your request I read you the stages of Midlife Crisis. You said several times while I was reading the stages that you had experienced those same things. You even know when you started to feel bad, when **** died July 2015. All of what has happened to you; Denial, Anger, Depression, Limerence with ******, is ALL due to Midlife Crisis. I have been a patient & loving wife. I can feel your worry. I want you to be open & honest with me with what you have done. I want you to trust me. I have worked hard to make our marriage a safe place. Look at all you have done and I am still here ***. Since 27th February 2022 I have asked you to add my name to the bank account that has been taking care of our family for our entire marriage. That is all I have asked. That day you said No and yet a month earlier, when you were in India, you asked me for £8,450 to pay your taxes and I sent you the money. So tell me again who is being difficult here? I am your Wife, your partner. I am happy to meet your needs but I also need my needs met. I need to know what has been going on with the bank account ***. My need is not out of expectation for any married couple. Of course I should be on the bank account. There should not be any secrets between us.“
MLC Forum: Please be kind if you respond. I’ve had a terrible evening. I was treated poorly and my H has again threatened to leave. I am also concerned about H taxes. I worry about our home. 🏡
~ Theia
Last edited by Theia; 08/05/2212:08 AM. Reason: Typo!
I hate to say it, but you might need to initiate some kind of legal action just to protect yourself financially if you don't even have access to the household accounts.
