Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 12 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 11 12
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
GF: I really feel your son never says thank you when I cook him.
W: So you are saying you feel taken for granted?
GF: Yes
W: Ok I will have a talk with him


W: Son GF feels unappreciated when you don't thank her for things she does for you.
Son: ok dad I will next time

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Now if you have the talk with son and he respects your wishes and you know he is saying Thank you and your GF still says he doesn't you call her on her BS.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted by Wolfman
2. This one is concerning. She is saying things that my ex has said I have done. That is I am causing her anxiety. My ex said the same thing. I don’t know what to do. I feel unless I am skipping around and happy all the time I cause them anxiety. The minute I am not happy or joking around I get called grumpy. I don’t get it, am I not allowed to have feelings. WhAt, am I just supposed to listen to everything they say and do what they say, can’t have an opinion on anything. So, I feel like this is something I am supposed to fix but I think they are asking the impossible.
I am supposed to be happy all the time, do what they say, and always worry about their feelings.
I am beyond confused. I feel when 2 women are telling me the same thing, there is some validity to it, but I also feel what they want me to do is the impossible.


Is she right ??

How many times in the middle of these talks, do you hear your Ex's voice and fall back into old triggers ???

How often are your responses the same as they were with your Ex ???

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Hi Wolfman,

You say you want to project masculine energy--and you are older and wiser than your partner--so lead! Leading is more guiding than controlling. How many weekly dates have you invited her on? What are you doing to address your tendency to RightFight vs Validate? We all have weaknesses. Like my inclination to clutter a home, you can let it continue unchecked, or you can take concrete steps to work on it. IC could help, but so could books like "The Lost Art of Listening".

Originally Posted by Wolfman
GF went to a baby shower the other day and brought home some food. One of the things being Mac and cheese. My son loves that. So yesterday we were eating dinner all 4 of us. My s ate a little Mac and cheese and a burger. That was it. My son finished gave me a hug and said thanks. And went to the living room. GF replied that was Interesting. I said what was? Her reply, “he said thank you to you and not me.” I said well it because I bbq and he ate the burger. She said, well he had Mac and cheese and I brought that home for him. I said I know that but he didn’t know that. She says, he never says thank you to me. She said well I seasoned the chicken. I said I know but he didn’t eat the chicken. She goes this is what I mean I am not appreciated. I said he says thank you a lot. Her reply, he barely says it and doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him. My next response probably not the best, but I am getting fed up. She just looks for reasons to attack my son. I said are you just looking for an argument. She stormed off and left me with the baby. She went in the bedroom and closed the door.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Thank you Ginger. How do I communicate better than? Just listen and validate all the time?

Let's take the above: "He said thank you to you and not me. I said well it because.."

So, step 1 would be simply ACCEPTING other people's feelings without judging them as right or wrong and trying to mount logical arguments against them. In this situation, my gut is to say, "You didn't feel appreciated for getting the mac and cheese that he loves." We don't directly control our feelings. She isn't right or wrong for feeling hurt and unappreciated. As you show you're willing to listen and understand she may choose to open up more.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
How do I respond how I feel then?
When I was in couples' therapy, my therapist said the right time was after the other person is completely done expressing themselves and feels I've heard and understood them.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Or if I really don’t agree with a position?
Your GF feels HURT and UNAPPRECIATED. She is your position! Support her. If you mean, "What if I believe my son behaved correctly in this situation?" or "What if she demands some punishment I don't agree with?"--then you would listen and validate her feelings, but say "No, that doesn't work for me" and not talk to your son afterward.

Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
W
Wolfman Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
Originally Posted by LH19
GF: I really feel your son never says thank you when I cook him.
W: So you are saying you feel taken for granted?
GF: Yes
W: Ok I will have a talk with him


W: Son GF feels unappreciated when you don't thank her for things she does for you.
Son: ok dad I will next time

LH thank you for this. I want to be honest, that does not feel normal or natural for me. Hence why she probably feels anxious. I will definitely work on that. I need to really do a better job with that.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by Wolfman
2. This one is concerning. She is saying things that my ex has said I have done. That is I am causing her anxiety. My ex said the same thing. I don’t know what to do. I feel unless I am skipping around and happy all the time I cause them anxiety. The minute I am not happy or joking around I get called grumpy. I don’t get it, am I not allowed to have feelings. WhAt, am I just supposed to listen to everything they say and do what they say, can’t have an opinion on anything. So, I feel like this is something I am supposed to fix but I think they are asking the impossible.
I am supposed to be happy all the time, do what they say, and always worry about their feelings.
I am beyond confused. I feel when 2 women are telling me the same thing, there is some validity to it, but I also feel what they want me to do is the impossible.


Is she right ??

How many times in the middle of these talks, do you hear your Ex's voice and fall back into old triggers ???

How often are your responses the same as they were with your Ex ???

I hear my ex’s voice a lot in this “arguments” and then I get defensive. A lot of times my response is the same. Hence why I am here and trying to improve. I don’t know what it is about me, but I feel like I need to explain my side. I have a real problem, and that is being wrong. Not good, definitely need to work on it.

Traveler. I need to work on the leading. I am definitely working on that. As far as going on dates, we have only done 2. I am going to plan another one.
The whole feelings thing, working on understanding that. I didn’t have any sisters growing up and my mom was tough. She worked hard and did what she had to do. So this whole feelings thing, I am not used to. If you didn’t have a broken bone or dying in the house, you were fine and move on. I know that carried over with me. That’s why I say I am not used to feelings. No one had any in my house. Lol


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
I have a question. You said you're working two jobs and money is really tight. I understand that divorce is expensive and you have child support to pay. But are there other factors causing money to be so tight? I mean, just having another adult in the household isn't all that expensive on its own.

Also, is there anything you can do to up your income or reduce your expenses?

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I hear my ex’s voice a lot in this “arguments” and then I get defensive. A lot of times my response is the same. Hence why I am here and trying to improve. I don’t know what it is about me, but I feel like I need to explain my side. I have a real problem, and that is being wrong. Not good, definitely need to work on it.



Are you trying to be heard ?

Or trying to have your opinion the only one that matters ?

Why is it so important for you to be right ?

And TBH....

IF you don't know what it is, and you are still hearing your Ex's voice when your new partner speaks, then you probably shouldn't have involved another person so soon after your relationship ended...

You've basically been proving Einstein's theory of insanity correct...

Doing the same things over and over while expecting a different result..

So far, I feel as if you've been clipping the top off of the Dandelion instead of killing the root. And it just keeps growing again and again....

Soooo...


Not that you ARE like that (defensive)...

WHY are you like that ????

It seems that you come here for your fix of the right things to say or do, then fall back into old behaviors and words....

Because you are clipping the top....

Not the root....




Originally Posted by Wolfman
The whole feelings thing, working on understanding that. I didn’t have any sisters growing up and my mom was tough. She worked hard and did what she had to do. So this whole feelings thing, I am not used to. If you didn’t have a broken bone or dying in the house, you were fine and move on. I know that carried over with me. That’s why I say I am not used to feelings. No one had any in my house. Lol



While it seems that to be the case...



I think that you have found the exact excuse that you need, to not do better....



And IF you know that ...

Then why aren't you addressing that ?


You are the only one responsible for your behaviors, words, and actions....




And bottom line here....



YOU are responsible for teaching YOUR son how to treat a Woman....

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by kml
I have a question. You said you're working two jobs and money is really tight. I understand that divorce is expensive and you have child support to pay. But are there other factors causing money to be so tight? I mean, just having another adult in the household isn't all that expensive on its own.

Also, is there anything you can do to up your income or reduce your expenses?
Great point! Wolf, I can't overstate how much difference truly focusing on my expenses has made. I hated looking at them before, because it felt like carrying a pitcher full of rainwater with so many small holes in the bottom of the pitcher it would eventually empty no matter how much it rained. Each time a new leak sprung it was an existential crisis. But, working at plugging holes daily, only the new surprise holes leak anymore, and soon I expect to be collecting water again.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
I agree with Mach in that YOU are responsible for you and the onus is on you to teach your son how to treat women. I’ve said to you many times before that I interpret your posts here as someone who is always trying to be right. Go back and look how many times someone points something out to you only for you to respond with something like “yes, but…..(insert random excuse here)”. Now, I’m not saying you are always wrong. Heck, I’m not even saying you aren’t always right. What I am saying is you seem dead set on it being your way or the highway but you want to act like that isn’t the case. You say you’re bad at validating and you aren’t used to feelings because there were none in your house when you were a child but, as Mach pointed out, that seems to be a bit of an excuse to not really deal with stuff. It’s also a convenient excuse to deflect advice you are given. So validating isn’t your natural setting. I get that. It isn’t a lot of people’s natural setting. It’s a skill you have to work on.

As far as your son saying thank you, he’s 12 and there’s no reason he can’t be learning to do his own laundry so if I was in your gf’s position, yeah, I would want him to show some appreciation that I’m washing his underwear. I wouldn’t need it every single time but a random thank you here and there would be good. Food is a bit different but still a random thank you here and there isn’t a bad thing. To me that seems like such a small and random thing to be upset about. If she’s demanding that he bow down and kiss her feet every single time she does anything, that’s unreasonable, but to expect the occasional thank you is not outline. Now, I’m full disclosure, I do think, at least according to your own telling of the story, your gf seems pretty insecure and made a bigger deal out of the no thank you for mac and cheese. But to her it was a big deal so there is that.

I don’t know, Wolf. To me it is kind of like throwing the baby out with the bath water but it just seems like there are a lot of issues that you should’ve worked through personally apart from each other before getting in a relationship. And I’m NOT just talking about you.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Wolf, I definitely get growing up not learning to actively listen and validate. I learned those after BD! As I mentioned, a great book on the subject is "The Lost Art of Listening". If you invest time into that now it'll not only help with your GF but also your kids--your son will soon become a teenager and at some point you will get another shot with your daughter.

Page 7 of 12 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard