Hi DB friends, I am taking a break from posting on this forum but wanted to throw out a few thoughts to people posting here so you can give the right advice to those seeking help. These are just my personal opinions, so if you feel they are incorrect feel free to ignore them.
There are some instances where people have tried to misinterpret MWD's teachings and used it to push incorrect theories that are based on their own bias. I am listing some examples below and related quotes from MWD. I encourage you to reread her books, but at a minimum read the summary on DB site (https://www.divorcebusting.com/sb_the_divorce_remedy.htm) from which I have borrowed her quotes.
Well-meaning friends and family Oddly enough, some of the people nearest and dearest to you are part of the problem. This is not to say that they don't have your best interest at heart. They do. They love you. They can't stand to see you in pain. More than anyone, they know you and know how much you deserve happiness in your life. Their caring is genuine. Why then, do I say that your loved ones can be misdirecting you?
The Biased Shoulder When you share your unhappiness with loved ones, what they hear is your side of the story, and your side only.
I have seen multiple instances where the advice falls into these two categories. It is especially worse in cases where posters seem to know each others personally in real life or have interacted with each other for many years through years of posting on this forum. As a hypothetical example, if someone says their ex is making their kids' life horrible but the kid is happy and content going over to the ex's house and spending time with them, there is a possibility the poster may not be accurately representing the situation. You may want to think twice about feeding the beast and pushing the poster towards alienating their child from the ex.
To begin with, you need to know that, first and foremost, therapists are people. No matter how well trained they may be, what you get when you seek therapy is the person behind the therapist. All people have life experiences that help shape who they are, their beliefs, their values, their morals, and their interests, and therapists are no exception. It's literally impossible for therapists to check their values and perspectives at the door at the start of a therapy session.
A therapist's views about marriage are influenced by many things, including the quality of his or her own parent's marriage.
If trained therapists have this problem, please be aware that as an untrained person providing advice on the internet, you are likely to have a lot of bias. Keep this in mind before pushing posters hard to do something you feel is right. Your personal experience may be valuable to the poster, but respect the fact that they may not share your moral, religious or cultural bias. If you are considering divorce, I want you to know that I agree with you if you think that life is too short to be miserable. It's true that we only have one go-around and that your life isn't a dress rehearsal. You need to hear me say that I am not suggesting you stay in an unhappy marriage and resign yourself to loneliness and misery. Far from it. That wouldn't be good for anyone!
Being pro-marriage does not mean there are situations where divorce may be the right thing for a particular person in a given situation. I have seen posters attack others with statements such as 'MWD is pro marriage' and 'this is a Divorce Busting site' to push incorrect theories that reflect their own opinions. I personally feel a marriage should be saved if possible, but I also feel we should accept the limitation of not knowing everything about the poster's situation and hence avoid judging them. Educate them on the perils of divorce and encourage to think about ways to save the marriage, but please don't judge them based on your personal bias.
There are a lot of sane voices on this forum that provide valuable help to many that are going through a tough time in their lives. Thanks for all you do and keep up the good work.
Being pro-marriage does not mean there are situations where divorce may be the right thing for a particular person in a given situation.
Right; MWD isn't opposed to divorce when one spouse is controlling, an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, etc. She believes most marriages end for more solvable reasons like growing apart, poor communication, or poor conflict resolution skills.
Hi DB friends, I am taking a break from posting on this forum but wanted to throw out a few thoughts to people posting here so you can give the right advice to those seeking help. These are just my personal opinions, so if you feel they are incorrect feel free to ignore them.
Soooo...
Just so that I understand...
You're not gonna post for a while....
Yet on the way out the door, you are gonna soapbox how the people that are still here, should post...???
Sound about right ??
That bad part for me, is that I agree with a lot of what you are saying...
I have always felt that the term Divorce Busting has been mis-interpreted.
The words themselves are mis-leading as they sit. They give a false impression that if you do A,B,C, and D, your marriage will magically be restored.....not true.
By the time that most posters hit these boards, their marriage is over as they knew it. Many can't grasp that concept, and some realize it fairly quickly.
Through my posts here, I have mentioned more than once that I really don't care about a person's "marriage" here. It's the poster that I am concerned with. Their growth, their healing, their path to a new and better life, which ultimately CAN LEAD TO A RESTORED MARRIAGE WITH THEIR CURRENT SPOUSE.
MWD stresses that the changes and development of the person is key throughout her process.
Without the growth and change, there is no chance at all..
Never once have I seen her say to save the marriage at all expense.
From what I've read here as opposed to a few years ago,is that most of the advice from the vets, seems to follow how their situation turned out....
Therefore they will lead to what they know....
Advice from anger will result in anger..
Advice from am unforgiving place will lead to resentment, and the lack of forgiveness...
Advice from fear will create more fear....
I've always been told to vent in the direction that you would like to grow...
Vent up, grow upward...
Vent down, you sacrifice your standards.....
It isn't up to anyone here, to steal hope from a new poster....maybe that's why newcomers is a ghost town now.
Not every marriage should be saved, that is true....
Yet every marriage deserves the chance to be evaluated by the poster first, to see where it truly stands without the rose colored glasses on...
Ask what they want, rather than tell them what's gonna happen....
The ONLY time I agree with a straight up Divorce in in the event of physical abuse..
Everything else is so subjective. We only get one side of the story here.....
I can tell you this though....
There is no better feeling than being part of a success story....
Yet even that is subjective. When first here, success is defined as a restored marriage. Yet I think that the true message of what MWD teaches is lost, that the best chance a person has, is to become a better person in the areas that they once lacked.
I've had the chance to be a part of about 10-12 restored marriages during my time here. And while that feels good....
The best feeling comes from the dozens of restored people I've been a part of...
I kinda like this discussion....
Assessing what it means to DB within ourselves can often reset our focus....
I know it has for me several times over the years.....
Hi DB friends, I am taking a break from posting on this forum but wanted to throw out a few thoughts to people posting here so you can give the right advice to those seeking help. These are just my personal opinions, so if you feel they are incorrect feel free to ignore them.
Soooo...
Just so that I understand...
You're not gonna post for a while....
Yet on the way out the door, you are gonna soapbox how the people that are still here, should post...???
Sound about right ??
That bad part for me, is that I agree with a lot of what you are saying...
I have always felt that the term Divorce Busting has been mis-interpreted.
The words themselves are mis-leading as they sit. They give a false impression that if you do A,B,C, and D, your marriage will magically be restored.....not true.
By the time that most posters hit these boards, their marriage is over as they knew it. Many can't grasp that concept, and some realize it fairly quickly.
Through my posts here, I have mentioned more than once that I really don't care about a person's "marriage" here. It's the poster that I am concerned with. Their growth, their healing, their path to a new and better life, which ultimately CAN LEAD TO A RESTORED MARRIAGE WITH THEIR CURRENT SPOUSE.
MWD stresses that the changes and development of the person is key throughout her process.
Without the growth and change, there is no chance at all..
Never once have I seen her say to save the marriage at all expense.
From what I've read here as opposed to a few years ago,is that most of the advice from the vets, seems to follow how their situation turned out....
Therefore they will lead to what they know....
Advice from anger will result in anger..
Advice from am unforgiving place will lead to resentment, and the lack of forgiveness...
Advice from fear will create more fear....
I've always been told to vent in the direction that you would like to grow...
Vent up, grow upward...
Vent down, you sacrifice your standards.....
It isn't up to anyone here, to steal hope from a new poster....maybe that's why newcomers is a ghost town now.
Not every marriage should be saved, that is true....
Yet every marriage deserves the chance to be evaluated by the poster first, to see where it truly stands without the rose colored glasses on...
Ask what they want, rather than tell them what's gonna happen....
The ONLY time I agree with a straight up Divorce in in the event of physical abuse..
Everything else is so subjective. We only get one side of the story here.....
I can tell you this though....
There is no better feeling than being part of a success story....
Yet even that is subjective. When first here, success is defined as a restored marriage. Yet I think that the true message of what MWD teaches is lost, that the best chance a person has, is to become a better person in the areas that they once lacked.
I've had the chance to be a part of about 10-12 restored marriages during my time here. And while that feels good....
The best feeling comes from the dozens of restored people I've been a part of...
I kinda like this discussion....
Assessing what it means to DB within ourselves can often reset our focus....
I know it has for me several times over the years.....
Soooo... Just so that I understand... You're not gonna post for a while.... Yet on the way out the door, you are gonna soapbox how the people that are still here, should post...??? Sound about right ??
No, that is not right at all, not even close.
There are many people I have interacted with on this forum over the past few years. Many were helpful to me in my sitch and there are at least a few who interacted with me regularly. It was just a courtesy message to let them know I will be taking a break from posting.
Since I was not planning to post for a while, I shared some thoughts based on my observations for a while. I posted this partly as journaling in my own thread and I even put a clarifying statement that these are my personal opinions and people are free to ignore it. I understand you may not benefit from these thoughts, but please recognize that there may be others that do. It was not addressed to you specifically, so why not use those DB skills to ignore it if you find it annoying?
Originally Posted by Mach1
bad part for me, is that I agree with a lot of what you are saying...
Why is it bad for you that I said something you feel is correct? It almost feels like you are annoyed that I was right? This makes no sense to me. It was even more disappointing to see a moderator that I respected, whistle and cheer on such a provocative post from the galleries Probably one of the many reasons why this forum is slowly turning into a ghost town.
I hope this helps you get some better clarity on the motivation for my last post. It was not from a place of anger, fear or other negative emotions. It was simply me journaling my thoughts in the hope that it may help someone else. If it does not, then it won't be the first time I said something that did not benefit anyone
There are many people I have interacted with on this forum over the past few years. Many were helpful to me in my sitch and there are at least a few who interacted with me regularly. It was just a courtesy message to let them know I will be taking a break from posting.
Since I was not planning to post for a while, I shared some thoughts based on my observations for a while. I posted this partly as journaling in my own thread and I even put a clarifying statement that these are my personal opinions and people are free to ignore it. I understand you may not benefit from these thoughts, but please recognize that there may be others that do. It was not addressed to you specifically, so why not use those DB skills to ignore it if you find it annoying?
Sigh....
I didn't find it annoying at all...
Originally Posted by MLCx
Why is it bad for you that I said something you feel is correct? It almost feels like you are annoyed that I was right? This makes no sense to me. It was even more disappointing to see a moderator that I respected, whistle and cheer on such a provocative post from the galleries Probably one of the many reasons why this forum is slowly turning into a ghost town.
Why is it bad ??
Because you seem to get it....the message that is supposed to be consistent...
And with you not posting, that is one less message to be delivered....
Having said that.....the other part is that you seem to often find the confrontation also.
Kind of a "my way or the highway thing"...
An example of that above. Instead of asking if I was joking or just poking at you in jest, you assumed that I was angry, upset, or maybe even annoyed...
There seems to be a lot of that in a lot of your interactions as of late...
It's bad because you have the opportunity and knowledge to pass the message along...
The moderator was applauding the content of my post, not that he thought I was poking you..
The same as he would applaud ( and has) your posts that are consistent with the DBing skills that you seem to have within you. And the standards that are supposed to be displayed on these boards ...
Originally Posted by MLCx
I hope this helps you get some better clarity on the motivation for my last post. It was not from a place of anger, fear or other negative emotions. It was simply me journaling my thoughts in the hope that it may help someone else. If it does not, then it won't be the first time I said something that did not benefit anyone
I wish you all the best! Peace.
With that said.....Is everything going okay for you ?
Hey Mach, My apologies for misinterpreting this! That is the problem with written Vs verbal conversations since it is easy to misinterpret the former easily. I guess the word 'soapbox' is what led me to think you were annoyed. Perhaps next time use a smiley when you say something in jest, lol.
I do hear you on the confrontational posts and the feedback is valid. I am often blunt and don't like to sugarcoat things. This is one reason I don't post much on Newcomers because I feel they are in a emotionally fragile state and my blunt delivery may not be helpful. With hardened vets, it is a different thing though I have managed to unintentionally tick off some vets at one point or another
I am doing well, thanks for asking. I appreciate the support this forum has given me, but the more I move forward and put my D in the rearview mirror, the harder I am finding it to come post here. In a way it is sort of a mental detox to detach and heal further. So, I am actually taking a break for positive reasons not because I am upset or angry.
So, I am actually taking a break for positive reasons not because I am upset or angry.
Taking a break is fine.
Mach takes them all the time.
I hope you are OK and as far as the forum turning into a ghost town it has nothing to do with me. I guess that could be a discussion on its own but I think the technology is changing and will continue to change in the next few years. I am but a mid/low level manager and have very little power to do too much here. Just gate keep the rules that were put in place a long time ago and not updated as time has gone by.
I will not comment on the upper management of the forum as it will not be nice.
Hey Mach, My apologies for misinterpreting this! That is the problem with written Vs verbal conversations since it is easy to misinterpret the former easily. I guess the word 'soapbox' is what led me to think you were annoyed. Perhaps next time use a smiley when you say something in jest, lol.
I do hear you on the confrontational posts and the feedback is valid. I am often blunt and don't like to sugarcoat things. This is one reason I don't post much on Newcomers because I feel they are in a emotionally fragile state and my blunt delivery may not be helpful. With hardened vets, it is a different thing though I have managed to unintentionally tick off some vets at one point or another
I am doing well, thanks for asking. I appreciate the support this forum has given me, but the more I move forward and put my D in the rearview mirror, the harder I am finding it to come post here. In a way it is sort of a mental detox to detach and heal further. So, I am actually taking a break for positive reasons not because I am upset or angry.
Cheers!
I'm glad you are well....
Sometimes the mental break is an opportunity for growth. Posting can keep a person stuck in their situation.
So much for the final post huh ?
: )
You are kinda like The Who....
Seriously, this is our last tour until the next one....
As far as ticking off other posters...
It happens. I always thought it was how we chose to handle that , that would make the difference.
We are here, vets of DBing, and if WE can't iron out our differences, then what do we show newbs ??
I've been known to jab a stick into a hornets nest myself....however, in the end, we are all on the same team....
Originally Posted by HannahMontana
Taking a break is fine.
Mach takes them all the time.
I hope you are OK and as far as the forum turning into a ghost town it has nothing to do with me. I guess that could be a discussion on its own but I think the technology is changing and will continue to change in the next few years. I am but a mid/low level manager and have very little power to do too much here. Just gate keep the rules that were put in place a long time ago and not updated as time has gone by.
I will not comment on the upper management of the forum as it will not be nice.
You can be nice if you want...
I'm beginning to think that the reason for newcomers becoming a Ghost Town is because there aren't any new members being approved...
I know personally of a simple password reset being on day 7...
IF that is the case, it would be highly irresponsible for this forum to promote what it does, yet not provide a sufficient timeframe to help those that are hurting and in emotional pain....
As low level as you are, maybe shoot a flare in the air ???
Probably one of the many reasons why this forum is slowly turning into a ghost town.