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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
My rocking chair wasn't stolen. It was smashed into kindling, had gasoline poured on it and was lit on fire, while on the porch. There it is, smoking rubble for today's trash removal.
Jesus.
sorry kids, but I tell the truth.

and you know what? it's ok. it really is. i'd rather throw out the trash than live with the illusion or the ticking time bomb. After something that cataclysmic happens, you change. Your viewpoint on these things becomes forever altered.

there were times in the 26 years of my marriage/relationship which were amazing, and for which I have deep gratitude.

What I'm probably most grateful for is today, being alone and out of that relationship.

Doesn't mean there's no hope for the future; simply means I'm not seeking anything so I'll be pleasantly surprised if something happens someday.

But I absolutely don't want today to be someday. I'm already on overload.
BF I get it. I just wish you wouldn't give your exh so much power over your life.


Here's where I wish we could sit down, the lot of us, around a fire pit or over some iced coffee or adult beverages for those who indulge, and really talk, because tone is lost in the written word.

When I said what I said about the rocking chair, LH, believe me, I am simply telling the truth about what he did. There are ways to leave a marriage that keep respect and dignity on the table and then there are ... other choices. This has zero to do with his affair, or with 2.0/Vista. This is about how he deliberately went out of his way to inflict as much emotional abuse on me as possible during our mediation process and then after our divorce became final. He admitted it, said there was nothing wrong with it, and that anyone who got in the way of his exacting revenge was merely collateral damage. Our son, collateral damage. Kind of hard to misinterpret a statement like that. That's what I mean when I say he gleefully smashed the rocking chair, poured gasoline on it, lit it on fire and danced on the ashes. I'm merely stating a fact, like saying he's over 6' and has hazel eyes.

That statement no longer has the power it had when he first said it. Now, it's just who he is. Maybe it's who he always was. Maybe not. But it's who he's become and that's not someone I want in my sphere.

I'm not putting myself out there as you say, LH, for a lot of other reasons which have nothing to do with getting burned in my marriage. It's a time thing and right now I don't have any time. The really limited free time I do have I'd rather spend with my friends. Of course if I met someone compelling, that could change pretty quickly, but I'm not looking. And Craig Ferguson is very happily married, so ...


M 20+ T25+
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D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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OMG....

Summer cold...

Nose running, head pounding....

Going through Tissues like a teenage boy with 'jailbreak' Firestick....

Pumped full of Vitamins, still in a Nyquil coma..


Need sleep.......................................................................

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chicken soup.


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"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
chicken soup.


Go to sleep in it ?

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Originally Posted by bttrfly
Of course if I met someone compelling, that could change pretty quickly, but I'm not looking.
What does someone compelling look like to you?

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Of course if I met someone compelling, that could change pretty quickly, but I'm not looking.
What does someone compelling look like to you?

I don't think it's going to be like it was with my exh, when I looked up and saw him standing there looking like Prince Valiant, and I felt like I'd been run over by a truck, but hey, I could be wrong. I don't know what God and the Universe have in store for me.

I know your statistical mind wants something concrete. That's not the way this works for me. I know that compelling doesn't fit in a box: it's not something specific or quantifiable like makes $$XX, is YY tall, is ZZage, has a specific eye color.

Rather it is being drawn to that person, and wanting to spend more and more time with him, finding that he comes into my thoughts more often during the time apart, or finding myself wondering what he thinks about this, that or the other.

It takes someone extraordinary for me to fall in love. It's only happened twice. Were there similarities between them? Yes, although not physically. And then there's pheromones - they both smelled intoxicating to me.

I've since met someone who has a lot of those same characteristics and he is a dear friend, but will not ever be more than that to me. Among other things, he doesn't have the smell, lol. And even if he did, being a people pleaser of the hopeless variety is a deal breaker for me. Why? Because those people are rarely honest with themselves or others.


M 20+ T25+
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BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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oh and A whose eyes are the most extraordinary shade of aquamarine was truly beautiful to look at but not someone I would ever let my guard down with - too completely nuts.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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sigh.

fill up your metal man spa with it and float.


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D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Been thinking a lot lately....

Life has kinda kicked me in the a$$ the past few days. Haven't been feeling well, had a couple other things that have added to that...

Woke the other morning to finding out that K's insurance money hit my account....

I hadn't thought of how that would affect me, or how deeply I would 'feel' that when it happened.

I felt cheap, and dirty with it. Like it was 'blood' money of sorts. When I was younger, material things had always played a part in life. We all want to achieve a certain 'status' that satisfies us to what our standards had been. Or at least the standards that we have been taught they should be, I know that my parents (being of an older generation) had always defined success through material possessions.

Status and material where certainly present during and through the divorce process. My Ex seemed to obsess about money, status, and material things. Yet, somewhere along the line, I had moved past that, and what was important to K and myself, was just the time that we spent together. We seriously could have lived in shack anywhere and been happy together.

In reading the text, I somehow felt that I traded her for money. I know it isn't the case whatsoever, yet it certainly 'felt' that way....those nasty feelings huh ??

What it does do, is to provide a little financial stability so that I can get my feet back under me and not have to worry about some things that were left unfinished in my life....

It will allow me to travel a bit, and do some things that I promised her that I would do. I want to take her home, back to the northeast state where she was from. Hoping to see some friends while I am there, and spend a few extra days doing some things for me.

And I'm finally at a point where I am embracing that this is her, trying to be there for me in the only way that is left. Some financial help , regardless how 'final' it feels. This is the last 'material' thing that she will ever leave me....

I've always been a perspective person, and that life is all about how I see things. So finding my footing took a little time with it. I did have a couple message conversations to help me out. I did message with Mrs. 3 Beans since she had felt this too.... God how I miss the Pirate....

Drew...B-lady....thank you : )

With that, I've been trying to slow things down in my head a bit, trying to see what I want my life to look like moving forward with me. And I still haven't found any answers. The only thing that seems to be coming out is the remnants of this cold....eeeek....

It IS entirely possible, that this affected me more because I've had this cold kicking my as$ too....

For now though, there isn't anything that I HAVE to do today, other than breathe and take another step forward.....





vi et honore



And perhaps a little Dignity, and Grace too..

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Originally Posted by Mach1
It will allow me to travel a bit, and do some things that I promised her that I would do. I want to take her home, back to the northeast state where she was from. Hoping to see some friends while I am there, and spend a few extra days doing some things for me.
We are here - let us know when it will be.


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