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Doug54 #2936347 07/20/22 02:38 AM
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Great post by Greenman btw. Read that a few times. He's been there.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Doug54 #2936350 07/20/22 09:56 AM
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What if he core beliefs are that he won’t share his W with another man?

LH19 #2936354 07/20/22 03:21 PM
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LH19,
Originally Posted by LH19
What if he core beliefs are that he won’t share his W with another man?
I wouldn't share my W with another man and don't think Doug54 or others should either. That said, there's a big scale between a brief EA with a few inappropriate texts and 5 years of multiple long running affairs. While both are inappropriate, I'd agree with you the latter is a deal-breaker and I'm guessing you'd agree with me that the former can be worked through. Now, where at what point on that scale crosses a line which passes the point of no return? That's up to Doug54.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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BL42 #2936357 07/20/22 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by BL42
While both are inappropriate, I'd agree with you the latter is a deal-breaker and I'm guessing you'd agree with me that the former can be worked through.
I think anything can be worked through when there is regret and remorse. There very rarely happens here in the beginning.

Doug54 #2936360 07/20/22 04:45 PM
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Hi Doug, how are you doing?

Originally Posted by Doug
Any rebuilding of trust would appear to be light-years away.
Yet, most of us who make it to piecing--where both have recommitted to facing and working through the issues that got you here--rebuild trust. First steps first. GAL, 180s, doing things that make you BestDoug54. That ball's in your court.

Doug54 #2936362 07/20/22 06:12 PM
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Doug, I am a huge proponent of IC. I think it is the best action a LBS can take to sort through their own thoughts and feelings once they have the D bomb dropped on them.

However, ICs are humans. They aren't perfect. I am a big advocate of shopping around for the right IC. We should never look up on Google, pick a random IC, and then stick with that IC whether they are working for us or not. Now, I am not saying your IC isn't a good one, but I certainly do not agree with their assessment of why you should go to MC.

MC is for two committed people that want to make their marriage work. Any deviation from that and MC has nil chance of doing any good. To me there is no such thing as going to MC for "clarity". MC is about trying to improve the marriage, and that cannot happen when one spouse is actively trying to leave the marriage. Either that spouse will go reluctantly and it will be a waste of time, or they will go simply to be able to say that it was tried, or to use MC to get their LBS to agree that D is the right approach.

IF, and I say again IF you can go into MC with zero expectations of saving the marriage and only to gain clarity, then I would say proceed cautiously. The problem is that very few, if any, LBSs can go to MC without expectations. And then they find themselves in various stages of frustration over it. Either their WAS isn't as engaged as they would like them to be, or the WAS refuses to do the homework (most MC are classically trained: IE they will push reconnecting activities to try), or in some other way undermines the MC for their own purposes. If you go in expecting the worst and that it will be nothing like you hope for it to be, then so be it. But be honest with yourself. Can you go into MC without any expectations that she will take the MC seriously?

Anyway, just some thought I had while reading your last few responses.


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M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Thanks, Elbereth. Your situation has some close similarities to mine.

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Raised his two kids as my own
Replace "his" with "her" and you have my experience.

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For me, the only choices I had were to move on from the MR or to remain in a relationship with him and his AP.
Starting to feel like this for me, though the AP is over the phone - texting and whatnot. No signs of slowing or stopping from what I can tell. And yes, as BL42 has said, the depth and scope of the EA may be more or even PA.

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The thing with the MLC part is also that the whole process takes a long time (if it ever resolves).
Yes, this is a concern of mine.

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Maybe it is mostly his MLC personality, but unfortunately, as time goes on, I struggle to know if the person I married was the person I knew.
Completely agree. She's still a good mom (at this point) and throws me some crumbs without being hateful or totally impossible to live with, but the person I fell in love with and married is virtually gone.

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You do sound a lot stronger than I was at the beginning of my journey.
Thank you. I am conflicted and trying not to be the one to pull the trigger, but I don't have complete trust with the finances.

I appreciate your thoughts and input!


Me:43 W:43
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S:14 S:8 S:5
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Thank you, Greenman. As with Elbereth, I also see some similarities in your experience to what I'm currently living.

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all the things I did wrong, tattoos, working out, partying, lacking career goals (my fault), telling me I should move out. Wanting body improvements done, which I shut down thankfully.
Yes, very much so. Not so much on the partying (yet), but everything else. How did you shut down the body improvements part? That train is leaving the station on my end (W has not only a consultation for breast augmentation set, but an appointment date in a few months as well). I'm pretty sure she has gotten a Care Credit account in her name only, but at the moment we still have a joint checking account.

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I did not leave but did shared nest for a while. Alternating weeks
Is this another term for in-home separation? Or where a common apartment (for example) is rented, and one parent is in the home while the other resides in the apartment, taking turns? W is very interested in this idea after hearing about it from some newly separated friends. I have mixed feelings about it and believe at least one poster on here recommended against it. On the other hand, it wouldn't completely involve me vacating my own home. It's not a long-term solution but perhaps equitable for a time.

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In the end you just have to be good with what you did for you and the kids and maybe it works and maybe you move on.
Yes, the other day I thought I was set to begin figuring out the beginnings of a separation process with W because I felt we were both getting there, but today I just don't know. Ugh. But I do appreciate your thoughts.


Me:43 W:43
M:16 T:18
SD:21 SS:18
S:14 S:8 S:5
LH19 #2936366 07/20/22 06:56 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by BL42
While both are inappropriate, I'd agree with you the latter is a deal-breaker and I'm guessing you'd agree with me that the former can be worked through.
I think anything can be worked through when there is regret and remorse. There very rarely happens here in the beginning.
I do appreciate that qualifier, LH19 - "in the beginning." Still not sure what I envision is the ideal result for me, but it helps to read that.


Me:43 W:43
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S:14 S:8 S:5
SteveLW #2936367 07/20/22 06:59 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
IF, and I say again IF you can go into MC with zero expectations of saving the marriage and only to gain clarity, then I would say proceed cautiously. The problem is that very few, if any, LBSs can go to MC without expectations. And then they find themselves in various stages of frustration over it. Either their WAS isn't as engaged as they would like them to be, or the WAS refuses to do the homework (most MC are classically trained: IE they will push reconnecting activities to try), or in some other way undermines the MC for their own purposes. If you go in expecting the worst and that it will be nothing like you hope for it to be, then so be it. But be honest with yourself. Can you go into MC without any expectations that she will take the MC seriously?

Anyway, just some thought I had while reading your last few responses.
That's a surprisingly prescient take on what I experienced yesterday, Steve. I'm going to sort of summarize where I am in a separate, encapsulating post, but thank you.


Me:43 W:43
M:16 T:18
SD:21 SS:18
S:14 S:8 S:5
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