Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (3)

[Kind18]

She demonizes you because it’s easier to cheat on a monster than a good person.

This, once again, is DB gold. Sums up the vast majority of divorces.

Humans are incredible creatures. Supposedly the smartest species - we send people to the moon, into space, and develop the most amazing technology and science.

And yet beneath it all, we are susceptible to the dumbest of behaviours. Our flaw is that we are so driven by our own ego, we will do just about anything to justify [censored] behaviour - including demonizing our spouse.

LH19 and Steve are incredibly smart and experienced people with this stuff. I’m glad they’re helping you on your journey.

Regarding a power move - absolutely you should present her with divorce papers on her return. But not to win her back, or prove your point, or punish her for going away… do it for YOU. Because you’re a good person, who deserves someone great in your life. Divorcing a wayward or walk away is about taking the first big step to rebuilding your self worth. Trust me - I’d know!

It was the single best thing I did during my situation. It was the start of the rest of my life, and I did it with my head held high - knowing I’d tried EVERYTHING to honour my partner and try to keep my kid’s family together. My kids are MUCH happier now. I should have done it sooner.

Your boundary of PA was for YOU! Do you love and respect yourself enough to honour it?

[Ready2Change]

I agree with Peter. Ding his W because she cheated isn’t controlling it’s being a high value man.

A high value man doesn't have to check up on his woman.

We all know why she is going and what she is going to do.

The question is what is Peter going to do?

[Ready2Change]

Can you clarify? What type of tests did you mean? I don't think either I or her passed any tests and that is why we are in this situation.

$hit tests.

Google this :"passing a womans $hit test" or something similar.

[Ready2Change]

she is a very pretty woman....She is also having an affair with someone over the phone. She demonstrates very suspicious behavior, and someone informed me that he recently saw her on two dates with a guy she has known for a very long time. She met this guy while traveling and she changed suddenly soon after meeting him. He reported that her behavior was consistent with a physical relationship, although I don't know to what extent.

This is all you need to know. If her behavior hasn't changed and she is not showing regret and remorse and acting like the wife you want, than YOU KNOW WHAT SHE IS UP TO. Act accordingly.

[BL42]

PeterB - How's it going? How are you handling these with your W's trip?

[PeterB]

Hi BL42, apologies for the late reply. Nothing much is going on. She returned yesterday. I do not know what she did while traveling. She is already finding every excuse to pass cutting comments and make freakish claims (eg- Reality: She did X & I did Y; Her version: She did Y & I did Y. eg-Reality: Son did not do Z. Her version: Son did Z).

These ridiculous behaviors are not bothering me, they are mere capsules of insight.

I am trying to think of a life and mindset after D. I too am slowly drifting from my commitment to this M.

[PeterB]

Update: I have a strong feeling that she got dumped by OM when she traveled. Some of her behavior soon after she came back is consistent with distress related to the rejection. She is also making some overtures with me and said she wants to talk. She has not stopped being nasty so I told her I can only talk if I feel she is ready to have a reasonable and respectful conversation. She went ballistic. I also don't trust her because I feel she is probably considering this only because she got dumped.

She probably wants to explore piecing but I don't trust her. She has not told me that directly. Would really appreciate any suggestions and advice. Any resources on DB about piecing, like preconditions, if I should even accept, what to look out for if I suspect she is considering piecing etc?

[Traveler]

Peter, I've heard fantasies from some who didn't reach piecing that their ex would beg for it. That doesn't match my reality or most situations I've read, but when you're at that stage their desire is obvious and they're making it happen. You don't have to guess.

It sounds like she's currently in more of an uncertain stage where she's considering what she wants to do with her life but you expect that to change. May opted for Discernment Therapy at this point.

The good news, if you get to piecing, you don't need to build trust in a day. That's a common concern! It typically returns but can take months or years of consistent behavior.

You should consider what you require for piecing. No requirements are a common cause of failure here. When sneakiness is involved--I can't recall if your W told you it was over before sleeping with OM--a common requirement is access to her cell phone, e-mail accounts, etc... and not vice-versa. That would help you rebuild trust that the sneakyism is over.

[LH19]

Update: I have a strong feeling that she got dumped by OM when she traveled. Some of her behavior soon after she came back is consistent with distress related to the rejection. She is also making some overtures with me and said she wants to talk. She has not stopped being nasty so I told her I can only talk if I feel she is ready to have a reasonable and respectful conversation. She went ballistic. I also don't trust her because I feel she is probably considering this only because she got dumped.

She probably wants to explore piecing but I don't trust her. She has not told me that directly. Would really appreciate any suggestions and advice. Any resources on DB about piecing, like preconditions, if I should even accept, what to look out for if I suspect she is considering piecing etc?

Peter I would suggest you double down on GAL right now.

If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:

1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.

[BL42]

PeterB,

I'd warn you that IF she did get dumped it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to reconcile. My ExW hand OM2 lined up very quickly after things ended with OM1...before she even moved out. So as hard as it is don't focus on OM or bank on a breakup between them the catalyst to R. Obviously better if they broke up than not, but guard your expectations.

Stay strong in your boundaries. Good job telling her you'll only talk if she's respectful. Don't stand for being treated poorly.

Also...you're speculating a lot. You have a "strong feeling that she got dumped by OM", "She probably wants to explore piecing". You don't know either of those for sure. Remember to focus on yourself. If she's still being nasty to you to me that doesn't sound like a sign she wants to R.