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Originally Posted by bttrfly
Was it my son's responsibility to tell me his Dad was banging someone else? He knew 4/24/15. I found out two years ago this week.

He had zero responsibility in that $h!t$how.

The h3ll of it is, he also had no one to bring this information to, so he could get help processing it. His godfather, who certainly knew, did not check on him, did not help him, did not step up in any way, shape or form. No one helped him with this. He was alone and you know exactly what the end result of that was for my boy.

Do I think my son's godfather, who told me for over 20 years that I was family, should have told me the truth? Actually, no. The person who should have told me the truth was exh. The responsibility began and ended with the guy who stood at an altar 28 years ago (yesterday, actually) and exchanged vows with me before God and everyone else who was important to us.

Do I think his godfather should have stepped up for my son?

Absolutely. It's shameful to take that responsibility for a kid and not follow through. That's what I hold my ex-friend accountable for, not anything relating to me and exh and our divorce.

Someone (Ginger) needs to walk little G through this, but the marriage and fallout of betrayal here is not between Ginger, Little G, exh and AP/current wife.
and thinking about this further - it's not just his godfather who failed my son.

* Exh's best friend knew and didn't help my son at all. In fact, he instigated a lot of trash talking about me with exh in front of our son - to the point where a 15 and a half year old had to tell this piece of trash 55 year old to stop talking smack about his mother.

* ExMIL knew and so did her husband. Neither of these pillars of society stepped in to help my son process this.

So there's a whole lot of blame to go around here. And not one of those people owed me a d@mn thing. But his grandparents certainly owed my son a safe place to discuss his father's betrayal of our marriage vows. The fact that neither of them did is on them and speaks volumes to their characters or lack thereof.

I expect nothing less from my exMIL. Her husband, on the other hand, is a big disappointment.

Huge.

What's my lesson here, imho? No one will care for my kid the way I will. Not even my kid's father and especially not tangential relatives and friends.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

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If big G only tells her ex, and he covers his tracks and continues to deceive his wife, how can little G ever go to their house again knowing that secret???

No, little G doesn’t need to confront or tell anybody now that she’s told her mom. But her mom needs to tell both and then let them resolve it however they will while keeping little G out of that toxic environment for a while.

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Originally Posted by kml
If big G only tells her ex, and he covers his tracks and continues to deceive his wife, how can little G ever go to their house again knowing that secret???

No, little G doesn’t need to confront or tell anybody now that she’s told her mom. But her mom needs to tell both and then let them resolve it however they will while keeping little G out of that toxic environment for a while.
this needs to be balanced against what's best for little G in terms of co-parenting between her dad and Ginger moving forward.

That's got to be the priority here.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

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Originally Posted by kml
Anything less makes little G an accomplice in her father’s affair.

For real?? Nothing in this makes G Jnr even close to accomplice.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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IF little G keeps her father’s secret for him while continuing to visit their home knowing stepmom is in the dark? It makes her an unwilling accomplice and that’s incredibly destructive to her, as it was to bttrfly’s son.

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to be crystal clear: what was destructive to my son was the fact that the many, many adults who knew about exh's affair did nothing to provide my son a safe place to talk about it.

that's on my exh, my son's godfather, my ex-MIL and her husband, and my exh's bff.


Not one of those people had any responsibility to insert themselves between me and my exh by telling me of his affair, and in fact, I'm glad they didn't.

What I cannot forgive today is their purposeful abandonment of my son when he really needed an adult to walk him through this.

if someone had told me, it would have forever changed my relationship with that person, and likely not for better.


the damage from their telling me to both our relationship and their relationship to exh would have created further collateral damage to our son.

the best of all worlds here is for big Daddyo to man up for little G's sake.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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so to further clarify, here's the parallel:

Ginger knows about this. It's incumbent upon Ginger to provide a safe space for Little G to process this, and getting professional help is perfect. Great idea.

My son's godfather, grandmother and step granddad as well as exh's bff all knew about it. I can let BFF off the hook= he has no moral obligation to my son. I can even let the godfather off the hook - not everyone takes that responsibility seriously. But the grandparents? no. they both had a moral obligation to my SON not ME. MY SON who carried this with him.

Ginger has a moral obligation to little G, not wife #2.

Ginger also has to co-parent with this guy for minimally another four years and ideally the rest of little G's life, certainly through the college years. How Ginger handles this with her exh will forever change their co-parenting of Little G. Little G is the priority as is safeguarding her and their co-parenting relationship.

wife #2 is on her own.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Last edited by job; 07/18/22 04:56 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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