How about this? You go meet with the two of them together (without your daughter) and tell them both what D saw. Sure, it’ll drop a bomb, but it will likely put the focus off of D and onto the revelation between the two of them. It also makes it a little harder for ex to gaslight her with both of you there.Then let them know you’ll be keeping D with you until they figure their sh!t out.
Or, if you prefer to be out of the line of fire, you could just tell his wife first and let her handle it how she wants. She might want to get some ducks in a row with finances etc before letting him know what she knows.
There is going to be no right way or wrong way through this. Only YOUR way....
What? Kinda a post of happy platitudes here. But specifically, no wrong way? I can agree with no one right way but I can think of all sorts of wrong ways and they need to be avoided at all costs. Things like this can really shape a child both positively and negatively. Do it the wrong way and the negatives come out.
Hopefully you’ll get a high quality rep from you’re employee assistance program. Some are terrible including one my ex and I were assigned from her healthcare employer when she was dropping the bomb on me. Please have your eyes wide open and don’t hesitate to ask for someone else if you start hearing strange suggestions or getting bad feelings that the counselor is one of the far too many crazy ones out there.
Your D is old enough to hear the truth. Not allowing her the truth will do more harm than good. Somehow she needs to learn she has it backwards. She need not be afraid her dad won’t love her or think highly of her - it’s very much the other way around. Please tell her it’s not her that needs to earn back the trust and love - ITS HER FATHER!!!
Life often has a way of equalizing things. It’s not that you wished it in either of them but they both are likely to now experienced the pain they both heaped on you. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Job one is having little G understand this has nothing to do with her and she’s done nothing wrong. This can be a healthy life learning experience for her if handled the right way - and yes there are right ways to handle it, just as there are wrong ways - all catchy platitudes aside.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I completely disagree emphatically with you or baby G telling current wife anything. Do either of you need that on your consciences for the rest of your lives? I think not.
I think your ex, you and baby G need to address this in a therapy session and after the three of you do that, then maybe his wife can be brought in and he can tell her in front of little G and the therapist.
We have to protect little G and think long term here. She doesn't need to tell anyone but her dad what she saw. She doesn't need the guilt of whatever will happen in that marriage once the wife finds out. Yeah, I know it's not her fault, but she's a 14 year old kid. She's def gonna feel like she has some responsibility if she's the one telling the wife. Leave her (and yourself) out of that rathole. this is his $h!tshow.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
and my most important thought of all here Ginger is this one:
God gave you little G because you above anyone else on this planet are the absolute best person to be her mom. YOU. not me, not anyone else posting here.
Never forget that.
Try to have some time for quiet reflection, meditation, prayer. Get quiet inside. You know what to do. I know you do.
I trust you.
You can do this.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
There is going to be no right way or wrong way through this. Only YOUR way....
What? Kinda a post of happy platitudes here. But specifically, no wrong way? I can agree with no one right way but I can think of all sorts of wrong ways and they need to be avoided at all costs. Things like this can really shape a child both positively and negatively. Do it the wrong way and the negatives come out.
I agree with you....
My point here, and often times I am a bit cryptic...
Is that , knowing G...
She will go through this and ask herself a thousand times a day if she is doing this right, or doing this wrong....
TO THAT EFFECT...
There is no right way or wrong way, only to find a course of action and do not question the plan that you have set in motion...
(I.E.-----baby G seems to be doing better, I will cut stop her sessions with the counselor today, or should I, yes I will, but maybe I shouldn't)
Of course that plan should be regarded with the right things and eliminating the wrong things...
MODS....considering the sensitivity and context of this thread, would it be possible to run a tad bit over 100 ???
I get the worth of D feeling responsible for the breakup of the marriage. But I disagree totally on not telling the wife. She deserves to have agency in her own life and this is pretty important knowledge for her to have.
How would you feel if you told him and NOT her, only to find out he used that time to empty the bank accounts or otherwise mess with her financially.
I get the worth of D feeling responsible for the breakup of the marriage. But I disagree totally on not telling the wife. She deserves to have agency in her own life and this is pretty important knowledge for her to have.
How would you feel if you told him and NOT her, only to find out he used that time to empty the bank accounts or otherwise mess with her financially.
We will have to agree to disagree here K.
I asked myself how would I feel if my son came to me with this information. I sat with that and really pondered it. I will tell you straight up how what I came away with - like this is none of my business except for how it affects my child. This is not G's mess. Not her pig, not her farm. She already went through a divorce with this guy. This is his mess and their (his and his wife's) relationship, not G's. She has zero responsibility or accountability to either of these people.
So how would I feel if he wiped the wife out financially? I certainly wouldn't feel responsible for anything. Like every other couple who gets married, these two - maybe more than most couples - were aware of divorce rates, cheating statistics, and still they married. What happens between them is just that - between them. She's a big girl - she's a lawyer. I'm sure she could nail his body parts and anything else she wanted to the wall in discovery. This is just not any of Ginger's business except for how it affects little G.
And frankly - it's past time for Ginger to have the ability to step back here and let the chips fall where they may with these two adults. She's been forced to be in a prolonged relationship with each of these people and has done it with so much dignity and grace. I don't think any of us ever stop long enough to remember that, or more importantly, tell Ginger how proud we are of her for taking the highest of the high roads for little G's sake with these two.
Boundaries are for us, not just them and to me, this is a huge boundary I wouldn't cross.
Responsibility here begins and ends with little G's welfare. This is about little G and her relationship with her father, first and foremost. Her father needs to be held absolutely accountable by Ginger for what his affair is doing to little G. I think if little G has a chance to confront her dad with a therapist it will accomplish a few things: 1. gives little G courage and strength to get this out in the open with her dad 2. provide a safe place for little G to confront him with a neutral party mediating the fallout 3. have a professional present who can call big Daddy on his gaslighting BS, should he go that route.
I know we do not agree on this. I respect your opinion. I also feel very strongly about mine here.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you, bttrfly, for saying what I was struggling to find a way to say. With all due respect, kml, I totally agree with what Bttrfly just said. Of course Little G is going to take some of the burden herself because that is what kids do, even when they show emotional maturity far beyond their years, just as little G has in this situation. I would not want my children to feel like they were the ones who had to right the ship between their dad and his current wife. It just isn’t a child’s job. Now, if little G wants to tell HIM what she knows with G’s support then I’m all for that, but she has no responsibility to being the one to have to tell her stepmother. Kids do NOT need to be put in the middle of grown folks business. From where I’m reading, G is doing everything she can to keep little G out of the middle while attending to HER emotional and mental needs as they relate to her father. It’s a messed up situation and it is easy for all of us to armchair quarterback it and I am sure we would all handle things differently, as we see best for our child/ren to protect them.
My XH met his current wife through as affair that started emotional and became physical later. I knew fairly early on. To this day, I don’t know if our daughters know and they will never hear it from me. Our situation is different since my daughters are adults and we’re actually adults at the time of the affair but the only way I would ever discuss it with them would be if they came to me first, like little G did with G. Kids of any age just don’t need to be put in the middle of their orients romantic entanglements and subsequent messes.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
And how is little G going to feel going to her father’s knowing his wife is still in the dark about the affair and she has to keep that secret???? That’s no better.
I stand firm that the cheated-upon partner ALWAYS deserves to know the truth, and women should be in solidarity with other women around this issue. Anything less makes little G an accomplice in her father’s affair.
