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Her biggest fear is that her dad is a bad person .

Umm, well - he IS!

Wow, this is so awful.

Does she even need to tell dad she knows, or just tell his wife? Keep daughter out of it, just tell his wife, ask HER to keep daughter out of it, I'm guessing she has other ways of finding the goods on him?

I'm just spitballing here, but it seems unnecessary for your daughter to be triangulated into the middle of this - I fear him blaming her for him being found out (even though we ALL guessed it!).

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Thank you so much. I just to handle this right . She’s in so much pain. She s scared of so many things .

I’m terrified too. She’s a teenager. She’s such a good kid, she’s so happy and well adjusted and I’m scared this is going to mess her ups beyond the emergency appointment I’m putting her in regular therapy which she really wants too, just to have someone to talk to. I have to keep her whole. I worked so hard to shield her from something this awful.

This is another test of my strength and courage and self control. Momma bear wants to tear him up. But that would do nothing for hurt her .


God willing, this may be the one time he has to face the fire. He doesn’t care about the adult he hurts. But his daughter? My prayer is he will reevaluate his life and how his actions affect others

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No, he won't! He couldn't even refrain from messaging his schmoopie while he was right next to his daughter.

This can be a chance to teach your daughter that cheaters seldom change, and educate her so she won't buy any cheaters BS when she is dating. You can also educate her that her father is a limited imperfect person. Also that him cheating on his wife is not him cheating on his daughter, and try to keep the two separate.

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Originally Posted by kml
No, he won't! He couldn't even refrain from messaging his schmoopie while he was right next to his daughter.

This can be a chance to teach your daughter that cheaters seldom change, and educate her so she won't buy any cheaters BS when she is dating. You can also educate her that her father is a limited imperfect person. Also that him cheating on his wife is not him cheating on his daughter, and try to keep the two separate.


I did exactly this.

She can’t take the pressure of knowing and not having her dad know that she knows. She want him to know she knows. But she doesn’t want anyone else to know, including her stepmother . She can’t live being keeping this in around her dad .

This is so awful.

If anyone‘a moral compass is broken, it’s my exes. The man I chose to father my child. That is where I messed up. That’s where I am to blame. I knew who he was .

I wish my daughter was not his

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I'm sorry.

She needs to understand though that his wife deserves to know. She has the right to agency in her own life, to decide if she wants to stay with him while he's cheating or not. I'm absolutely opposed to the idea of keeping quiet about the cheating and letting the abused spouse sit in ignorance. If her dad is gonna be told, his wife needs to know as well.

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Oh G... I'm so sorry.

I am glad you are seeking help with this. It's complicated. And it's awful. There are so many people that are impacted by lies and infidelity. Seeing this reality of her dad will unfortunately force her to in some ways realize that people will let her down in life. That is an awful lesson to learn but also empowering to be able to learn from it with loving support. And how to handle it in healthy ways.

I agree that his current partner needs to know. Maybe the counseling will help with this and advise the best way to encourage him to come clean to her (versus your daughter feeling like it is left up to her to either tell her or pretend she doesn't know). She will need boundaries that are there for her through this whole process... I'm so sorry. She is lucky to have you as her mom. ((hugs))...

As for the previous convo about dating the guy who is still in the divorce process. There are many reasons why people will date while still not technically divorced yet. I agree that you have to look for each scenario individually and it is different for everyone. I would just keep your eyes wide open for red flags as others mentioned.

The harder part in my mind (at least that I'm thinking about) is about how to 'see' someone early in the relationship/dating process. I've been following different dating podcasts and one idea struck me as very true. When you first meet someone, you are meeting their 'representative'...in the sense that this person is the person that is trying to show you their best parts. It's not until later that you begin to see the actual person when they start to relax or the real parts peek through the facade. This is why one idea is to date for 10-15 dates before you even get intimate. Get to the point of really seeing who this person is (hopefully in some scenarios that show cracks in the perfect facade) before you get too emotionally invested...which they say intimacy leads us to quickly, especially women. Anyway, not saying that I think you are doing anything wrong by being intimate with the guys you have been dating. I'm just mentioning this as another way to take things slow and to give ample opportunity to see who this guy is and if his 'real self' shows the traits you are searching for. And that still means having fun with the process! Just some ideas to noodle...

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
AP for at least 6 mos prior and still ongoing...



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Ginger1,

Originally Posted by Ginger1
On the plane she saw her dad messaging his married friend, who is also his W’a best friend.
So not just an affair...but one with his current W's best friend? Wow.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
For anyone who would love to see their the affair blow when the kids are involved. Well, it’s gods awful.
I'll admit I'm one who has had wishes of ExW & OM2 blowing up. I hate to see the impact to your daughter though. That's tough. As messed up as it is your Ex left when she was so young, she's had some stability in a sense with their relationship. I can imagine it'd be shocking for her, and very upsetting. As a father I need to prepare for my own young children having their life disrupted again at some point, because as much as it seems like it right now, what are the odds my ExW and OM2 last until the kids are off to college.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
My poor baby has been absolutely sick to her stomach. She is terrified. She is terrified that her dad will not love her.
I do not claim to know the right answer, but for those advocating she tell her dad's current W...just consider that it is her father and there's going to be an emotional part of feeling of betrayal if she does that. Maybe it should come out in another way?

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Her biggest fear is that her dad is a bad person .
Great you're getting a counselor involved. It's often said people marry partners who are similar to their opposite sex parent. Maybe if there's a silver lining to this she'll be more aware of that? As a mother, use this opportunity to teach her about the red flags and not rushing into a bad situation and recognizing the treats of her dad so as not to seek that out in a partner herself in the next decade or two as she's dating seriously?

Originally Posted by Ginger1
She says she’s always known that her dad cheated on me with his wife.
Goes to show you the truth almost always comes out even far down the line. The kids know/figure it out.

My poor baby has been absolutely sick to her stomach. She is terrified. She is terrified that her dad will not love her. She a terrified this is going to change everything . Her biggest fear is that her dad is a bad person . She’s carrying this heavy heavy heavy weight . Shes afraid to be in the same room as the 3 of them. She says she’s always known that her dad cheated on me with his wife.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I can’t even articulate how mature and emotionally intelligent what she expressing to me. I have this whole new respect for my daughter.
It's goes to your parenting. It's a reflection of you!

Ginger1 - Hang in there. You're a wonderful mother and your experiences and lessons learned will help you help your daughter deal with this situation. Just be there for her, as I'm sure you will.


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M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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I’m so sorry, G! How horrific for little G and for you to have to watch her deal with it. I agree with BL in that, if the news is going to come out to his W, it should NOT come from Little G. While I understand the viewpoint that W deserves to know, little G, for all intents and purposes, is still a child and you just don’t involve a child in grown folks business, no matter how mature she is. Seeking counseling to help her through it is a great idea and I hope it brings you both the solace you need to make it through all this. You are strong, G, and you are teaching your daughter to be as well.

(((((G and little G))))) I’m sending up all the positive vibes for both of you.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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Thanks for all the feedback and support. I was up at 5 am running through all these scenarios. I am so afraid he is going to deny it or make her think she’s crazy and that she didn’t see what she thought she saw, like he did to me when I found out about his affair. She definitely saw it. And she pieces together a lot of stuff. He came home a day early to go see her. He bought 2 of a souvenir and brought on to her. Apparently when this woman goes on a trip, she gets him a Harley shirt and he was wearing that. She also heard him tell his mom not to tell his wife where he went.

As far as his wife. Definitely is not going to come from her. I won’t let that Happen. It’s either going to have to be him or me. And I have a feeling he will try run interference before I get to her.

And honestly. I want to tell her. And in a kind way. She needs to know leopards don’t change their spots . But I also don’t want my daughter to be upset at me for telling her. But I don’t know how she can be there with the secret both her and her dad knows but not her stepmom.

This is so F’ed up it’s unbelievable. I was just hoping if it had to be found out, it would be between them, and if they decided on divorce, then they could tell her and leave out the affair.

This is such a mess

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Hey G...

I know that this is hard, more than hard..

Please try to remember that the affair isn't "your" fight, and that your fight is for Baby G, and what is right for her...

From your past, you have experienced this. Reach down and try to remember what that young you would have wanted to hear...and needed


There is going to be a part of you that is going to feel 'validated" by this revelation. Just don't sit on that hill right now. Not even in thought. Those thoughts will lead your guidance.

You have always known and feared that eventually, G baby would see and understand who her Father really is at his core. And her rug has been pulled out from under her now...

This will be HER experience, yet your guidance now, is pivotal in her growth and development.

There is going to be no right way or wrong way through this.

Only YOUR way....

Everything that baby G is, is because of everything that YOU are for her....

She is who she is because of you...

And I have no doubt that she will come through this amazingly, once again...

Because of your profound love and guidance...

Don't hesitate to lean on anyone, we are all here for you...

Sometimes it takes a village....

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