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And to anwer your BIG question, I think he is like most guys, wondering what is out there Wanting to meet new people in a forray into the new single world. Curiosity. Do women still desire me? Is it the best move? Nope. I told him as much when we first started talking. I think majority if separated people do it. It is of course not the best move. Actually the sepration wasn't on the proofile. I told him he should be honest about it and he actually redid his profile with my help. He admitted he is both scared and excited to be truly on his own. He does come from 2 married parents who have been through alot, hes the older with a married brother and sister. ANd I imagine part of him feels like a failure.

I think he is really going to like this stage of life. But i think its new and scary as well as it was for all of us.

I think we need to remeber like 98% of the people don't do what we do after being on here. IRL, I really dont know many divorced people who do. My friend at work started dating a few months after her divorce. SHe is a very independent woman with 2 daughters and a mess of an ex husband. SO far she has had a year long relationship, and she is in a year and a half one now. It does work.ANd she never got the kids involved until a year, and they barely are now. She does well.

Another coworker married another coworker while she was in the process of her divorce. They now have a kid together and have been married 10 years. ANd a sickengly cute couple. I'm friends with them both.

Is it ideal? No. Should we all wait the two years? Yeah. Mark was 2 years out, still scarred. Couldnt even coparent or talk to his ex. He was very avoidant. Still d pserate to be his sons favorite person in the world.

Anyways, we are just hanging out!!! I'm really not having his baby and eloping. It was a joke

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Here we go again. Someone doesn't always have something toxic or dirty on their side of the street, ya know. I have somthing on my side of the street. I am not going to say it was "dirty". I got into a marriage I should not have by any means and i paid the price knowing the person he was. That's my dirty side. I know i became passive agressive and defensive because i knew what was going ot be shot at me in any given situation. And very much the same thing happened to him. He ignored the red flags, and he became defensive in certain situations before they even happened because he knew what was coming.

We both had short term marriages, we didnt get a chance to dirty our side of the street too heavily. We didn;t have our years and years of resentment to build up and blow up a marriage. We married people we knew we shouldnt.

Wow! This from the person that is so quick to point out the LBH is not innocent. You are in deeper than I thought. I’m just going to buy my popcorn and sit back and watch closely.

What the heck? Often times both parties are guilty of something. I didn't call either of us innocent. you love to twist stuff. He wasn't innocent. I wasn't innnocent. The ones who claim they were nothing but loving devoted spouses are the ones blowing smoke up their own arses.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Did that make Andrew the affair partner twice over ?
That certainly was the consensus here. There was even an active campaign to have me banned from the forum.

And this was with women who were assuring me that they were d.o.n.e. and had been living apart for multiple years. All verified by the fact that their families were very supportive me me dating them. Certainly no lurking in the shrubberies.

On the other hand multiple others here have also started relationships with people who weren't divorced and nobody cared.

Sigh.


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The ones who claim they were nothing but loving devoted spouses are the ones blowing smoke up their own arses.

I beg to differ. There are plenty of loving, devoted spouses married to people with pathological issues.

Don’t get me wrong, in the process of DBing, I went over myself with a fine tooth comb, took a ruthlessly honest self-inventory and improved anything I could. But none of those things had anything at all to do with my H’s infidelities and ultimate departure. Those were completely about him, as proven by his actions unrelated to me after the divorce.

And if I have any doubts about myself as a partner, all I have to do is look at my other relationships. Virtually every man I’ve ever dated, except for my exH, thinks I’m grand. Regardless of whether I broke up with them or they broke up with me, we remain friends and they say the nicest things about me.

(And why, you might ask, aren’t I married to one of those men? Not every relationship is destined to last. Some loved other women more, like the guy whose old high school girlfriend showed up. In some cases either I or they were not in the right place in life to be in a long term relationship. In some cases our differences were just too great - the rocker and the med student were just on different trajectories at the time. )

So if I’m such a kind, loving, smart and sexy partner that all my old boyfriends still think I’m a “ray of sunshine and always was”, as one tells me - how am I responsible for my narcissistic ex’s dark hole that he can never fill ? I think the fact that we were together for 26 years is a testament to what a good partner I was. I doubt he could have lasted that long with someone less devoted (and oblivious to his cheating ).

Some spouses can’t be made happy no matter how hard we try or how good a spouse we are. Some of them can’t stick around when illness or issues with children arise. Some just panic when they turn 50 and realize they’re not immortal.

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@Andrew - Props on being strong enough to do what you believed right despite an "angry mob" attacking you. We should strive to always do what we believe best honors our commitments to our loved ones, ourselves, and our friends.

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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Did that make Andrew the affair partner twice over ?
That certainly was the consensus here. There was even an active campaign to have me banned from the forum.
Sigh.

Andrew,
I have not followed your sitch regularly so I am not familiar with the details, but I am sorry this happened to you. No one should be judging another person based on their personal morals. Morals are personal and vary from person to person. As long as there is nothing illegal being done, a relationship between two consenting adults is their decision. People can give advice based on what they think could go wrong or things that are being overlooked in the fog of limerence, but there should be no backlash especially in a support forum such as this one. Sorry this happened to you!


In the specific case of G's current sitch, I don't think there is anything wrong with what she is doing here. The confusion was because she had given the impression that she was looking for something specific from a relationship. Hence many (perhaps not all) posters were looking out for her and cautioning against repeating previous mistakes. But it is possible her relationship goals have changed or that she has grown over time to handle things better so this time will be different. Perhaps, she is making a mistake again and will continue to learn. Whatever the case, I don't feel implying she is the OW in the relationship is productive. Yes, I understand we have a lot of LBS in this forum and they are sensitive to this, but that is something they need to work on. Perhaps they can mute this thread and not see what G is doing. It is not G's responsibility to live up to other people's moral standards.


Originally Posted by Ginger1
What would he do differently? He said he ignored so many red flags. He had long term relationship that had ended (not right before they met) and he felt his marital clock ticking I guess

You guess or he told you?

Originally Posted by Ginger1
And he can say now he believes in marriage and would absolutely do it again.

When did he stop believing in marriage? Did he not believe in marriage when he got married previously? If his wife was as bad as you write, I doubt a divorce from such a person after a short lived marriage would destroy someone's faith in the institution of marriage itself. So, what made him lose faith in marriage? And what life changing experience did he have that he believes in marriage now?

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
What would he do differently? He said he ignored so many red flags. He had long term relationship that had ended (not right before they met) and he felt his marital clock ticking I guess, and he said he really would have paid attention the red flags. And he can say now he believes in marriage and would absolutely do it again.

Hmm... seems to me based on HIS behavior... he can't be single. It also looks like he's doing it again. Can you see the pattern?

That doesn't mean to not have fun... it means to guard your heart appropriately. There is a reason why people jump from person to person. Keep an eye out for it.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
We both had short term marriages, we didnt get a chance to dirty our side of the street too heavily. We didn;t have our years and years of resentment to build up and blow up a marriage. We married people we knew we shouldnt.

I was married to my xw for 3 years.. which would be considered a short marriage but trust me... I dirtied my side plenty.

I think people get very confused with "keeping our side of the street clean" and "red flags". For me.. my side of the street was dirty not necessarily because of what I was doing to my XW... but because of what I was doing to MYSELF. How I was neglecting my own needs at the expense of hers (which was my choice not hers). How I stuffed my feelings down (again my choice not hers). My choices were affecting me SO much there is no way in h3ll they weren't affecting her too. Did it make her decisions okay... certainly not... but just like me... she was doing the best she could with the tools she had at that time.

Keeping your side of the street clean is a constant in life.. for every relationship.. not just romantic.
It's a chore that will always require maintenance.

Same thing with red flags. The struggle isn't in seeing them in other people.. but more so in seeing them in ourselves and giving ourselves boundaries to protect our hearts.

I asked the question to see if he was able to see the part he played. Saying he had the "marriage clock" is hardly an answer... but I accept it is his truth.... not something I would chase after.. but I'm an odd bird for sure.

You think you are very rare on this board... but we all are...in our own way. There aren't many lesbians marriages failing apart on this board (thank god). For me - Reading LH's thread on OLD and the primal nature of men and woman is like reading the funnies over my morning cup of coffee.

Good Luck G... I'm always rooting for ya girl.


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Originally Posted by MLCxH
Whatever the case, I don't feel implying she is the OW in the relationship is productive. Yes, I understand we have a lot of LBS in this forum and they are sensitive to this, but that is something they need to work on. It is not G's responsibility to live up to other people's moral standards.
^^^

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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Did that make Andrew the affair partner twice over ?
That certainly was the consensus here. There was even an active campaign to have me banned from the forum.

Huh????? WHAT??????????? I must have missed the petition to ban you when this "active campaign" was circulating. Just what are you referring to or talking about? When was there an active campaign to have you banned from this forum, Andrew? Are you having those dreams/nightmares again? Or do I have dementia setting in as I don't at all remember this.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
And this was with women who were assuring me that they were d.o.n.e. and had been living apart for multiple years. All verified by the fact that their families were very supportive me me dating them.

One of which went back to her not yet divorced husband - at least according to you. Correct? So just goes to prove what they say and what they do are often not the same. You can spin it however you want to spin it but if she went back to her husband after dumping you, at least for a while, well the point stands for itself.

The larger point is, while dating a still married person is not always adultery or cheating, it's most often not a very smart move for either party - and for good reason. That's why many claim they have rules that they will not date someone who is separated or still married and others have rules that they will not date anyone who has not been divorced for at least a year. Now, whether or not they actually follow these rules for themselves or just tell others they should follow them (rules for thee but not for me) is a whole other discussion and story. Perhaps that's the largest wow here - how someone will say it's not a good idea to date a still married or newly divorced person - right up until they do it and then have just as many reasons why it really was not a bad idea all along.


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Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by MLCxH
Whatever the case, I don't feel implying she is the OW in the relationship is productive. Yes, I understand we have a lot of LBS in this forum and they are sensitive to this, but that is something they need to work on. It is not G's responsibility to live up to other people's moral standards.
^^^
you guys are aware that this is a DIVORCE BUSTING site, and Michele WD is PRO MARRIAGE, right? It's a 'know your audience' thing


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