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Samoy Offline OP
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Hi,

My husband is in withdrawal. My bomb drop was in October 2019. Moved out in April 2021. He boomerangs back and forth. He comes home 3-4 days a week. We do not communicate. His monster during the pandemic was horrible. I have PTSD. It triggered my own stuff from my mom.

We have a mediation the following Monday. We had a trial last week. He then wrote me horrible texts and emails calling me a user because I asked him to invest in a stock that went through the roof years later. He said it was his money, not mine, henceforth, I am a user.

He came home two days later as nothing happened and walked our dogs and advised me how to handle them better. They are rotts and are very protective. They probably sensed his emotional instability and stepped up for him. They do the same with me when I am down. I have to get myself together when walking them.

He stopped walking our dogs two years ago. He ignores them 90% of the time. His spending time with them is DIFFERENT.

I told him thanks for thinking of caring.

In the court and this past weekend, he actually looked me in the eyes and held it.

One thing we had in common in court, was red eyes. We both cried.

Before this started in 2019 he came to bed and almost under me said, "Sammy, I am afraid of becoming angry like my dad." I was like that will never happen. I didn't know the storm coming.

I am at my witts end.

Not delusional. I know he still loves me. I feel his love. He's having an affair with someone on his job. He's had other affairs. I was in a depression with my dad, and two uncles dying back to back.

I am out and dealing with his stuff. I had to pick my battles.

Not sure what's my question. Maybe I am looking for a magic bullet to get him out of the tunnel.

When he left he was back to being mad at me Sunday.

He has shown signs he wants back in like leaving clues, however, he hasn't ended it with OW.

Can someone explain what late-stage withdrawal looks like and withdrawal into acceptance?


I may be all over the place, excuse me. Wanting to get some out.

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Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting for you.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I am very sorry that circumstances have brought you here, but know that there are great people who have been there and are willing to help you.

There are no magic bullets.

Your mantra: I didn't cause this. I can't control this. I can't cure this.

Your best and only option is to put the focus on yourself: your healing, your life. I know that probably seems impossible right now, but try.

By focusing on yourself, the MLCr is left to play out the hand they've dealt themselves, without using you as a verbal punching bag or crutch.

By focusing on yourself you give yourself permission to heal. You discover who you are today. You know who you were before and during this relationship. Now it's time to find out who you are right now. What do you like? What have you always wanted to do but didn't for whatever reason? What are your core values? Who are you at your bedrock?

Find out the answers to these questions for your own wellbeing and healing.

Ask questions here. Read other people's stories.

You are not alone.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Originally Posted by Samoy
Can someone explain what late-stage withdrawal looks like and withdrawal into acceptance?

If he is still in an active affair he is still in replay and not withdrawal.

Sorry


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Good Morning Samoy

Welcome to the boards.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are among friends, some very kind folks with much hard earned wisdom who are happy to share and help.

Bomb drop was in October 2019. I realize that is three years ago. However, H is still running. If there is an affair partner present, they are still running.

I hear you that H is spending time with the dogs, after ignoring them for quite some time. MLCers do peek out of the tunnel and then dive back in. Dogs being the less hurt, and to him, less likely to make him feel bad for his actions, he would reach to them before others. This latest appears to be some movement is all, not an awakening or some such.

There is no magic bullet to awaken H. He is on his path and on his time, and you were not invited. His path and timeline has nothing to do with you. You didn’t break him, you cannot fix him.

Time and space. H needs both. Realize his path is an emotional one. He is running and deciding based on emotional pressures and drives. Any efforts from you, good intentioned as they be, will be further pressure to him and are likely to have a negative effect. At best your efforts would be neutral, mostly any efforts from the LBS prolongs the MLCer’s timeline.

Focus on you. Let go. Give him to God, or the universe, or fate, or whatever your personal belief is.

H is dropping clues and hints that he wants back in. And then he goes and gets mad again. You are seeing his mixed up world, his mixed up emotions. As a MLCer cyclically rises out of their immersive replay and running behaviours, they feel and often exhibit both “lives”. They have such pressures and conflicts within them; and they get angry and confused and lash out; and they get dragged back down and run again.

These peeks out of the tunnel are somewhat cyclic for a boomerang type MLCer. My XW is a vanisher and her peeks are much more hidden.

Once the crisis individual puts away their replay toys and ceases their running, they enter depression. Coming face to face with all they have done. Deep and dark depression. Plenty of crisis folk never face this and run til the end of their days.

For the few that face their darkness; withdrawal is a deeper depression and doorway to acceptance. Seeing all the damage to self and others; and formulating and acknowledging their responsibility in how to make amends. Withdrawal is a time of deep self reflection, when they will pull into themselves, like a chrysalis. They emerge better and begin the path of acceptance and finding peace within their own skin. For the successful, this doorway, from withdrawal to acceptance, closes as they pass through, putting replay forever behind them.

Samoy, this is a good space to vent and post and ask questions. I’m glad you got some of this out and in the open.

You mentioned mediation and trials. How far along the process are you? I suspect you have a L. Right? Ages of you and H? How long married?

Hope you have a peaceful day.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Quote
I know he still loves me. I feel his love. He's having an affair with someone on his job. He's had other affairs.

This isn’t love, honey. You deserve better. Ask yourself why you think a guy who cheats on you repeatedly is the partner you want?

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Hey Samoy - I'm checking in on you. Please come back and post - we're here to help you. xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Dear Samoy,

Sorry you had to find your way here as well.
How are you doing currently?


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - 08/22 OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
07/22 - moved to new home - new life ahead!
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Samoy,

The withdraw stage of my husband's crisis lasts 2.5 years(July 2014 - Dec. 2016), at first year, living with him was true torment but I never asked him to move out. Eventually he moved out by May 2015 and I learned and started to get a life of my own.

There was one whole year, we did not talk, we did not meet, few text only. He asked for time and space (according to him; I never gave him those and he felt painful living with me).

I came here, did a lot of study, there are many articles that I read again and again.

Currently, man in crisis has no ability to love anyone. So do not pay attention to what he said, what he is doing, the affair, the other woman.

Get a life, go to church. Let him go (just temporarily), soon, he will learn to face his own problem instead finding other people to be blamed to.

He reached me at end of 2016, I was always calm and friendly when I see him. He spent 4 years to settle down and last May, he moved home and stayed...

This is a marathon, I knew how difficult the process was, come here, vent and learn, there are many tools and great advice that you will find it useful during his crisis.

'you did not break him thus you can not fix him' I'll never forget this !

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Originally Posted by Babe
Samoy,

The withdraw stage of my husband's crisis lasts 2.5 years(July 2014 - Dec. 2016), at first year, living with him was true torment but I never asked him to move out. Eventually he moved out by May 2015 and I learned and started to get a life of my own.

There was one whole year, we did not talk, we did not meet, few text only. He asked for time and space (according to him; I never gave him those and he felt painful living with me).

I came here, did a lot of study, there are many articles that I read again and again.

Currently, man in crisis has no ability to love anyone. So do not pay attention to what he said, what he is doing, the affair, the other woman.

Get a life, go to church. Let him go (just temporarily), soon, he will learn to face his own problem instead finding other people to be blamed to.

He reached me at end of 2016, I was always calm and friendly when I see him. He spent 4 years to settle down and last May, he moved home and stayed...

This is a marathon, I knew how difficult the process was, come here, vent and learn, there are many tools and great advice that you will find it useful during his crisis.

'you did not break him thus you can not fix him' I'll never forget this !

I second each and everything Babe said. And add to that that Babe is a saint and it worked out. But I think I was a bit of a saint and I realized that my MLCer actually had NPD all along and it didn't work out and never would. You have no way of knowing except the passage of time. So build a life you want for yourself and set a date in the future you will think about it again. Except for settling finances, try not to think about H whenever you can think about something else until that time.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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