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Vapo,
Originally Posted by Vapo
I do try to offer my advice to people in this situation, esp. having gone through the same thing myself. Very rarely is my advice accepted, but very often I get a "You were totally right, I so wish I heeded your advice."
How many situations have you weighed in on in real life? Sounds like a number of them?

LH19,
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by BL42
I'm trying to give him a bit of coaching about strength and respect and not taking comfort in the EA vs. PA.
What is your advice? How is he accepting it?
I get the sense that while he knows it's not good, he thinks "well we're having sex more and on family vacation so it's not that bad", whereas it's my opinion that the situation is much more serious/risky/dire than he believes. Now, maybe that's through the lens of my sitch and I'm jaded, but we all have seen the countless situations play out here. I'm pretty concerned for him and have been trying to reach out regularly.

I told him to start hitting the gym hard. He's certainly not overweight - you might call him thin relative to people his age - but he could convert some fat to muscle and bulk up. Him and his W went to a predominately engineering / high male ratio college but had a hockey team seen as the athletic cool guys who apparently she hooked up and dated a few before they were together, so maybe she's having fantasies/flashbacks about that. He a great guy but not a college athlete type.

I told him to start acting out of strength and flipping his mindset that he's the prize and she's crazy if she leaves him. Stop being weak and making excuses about "just being friends" and "helping her friend out with a breakup". She's cheating and lying, and he needs to recognize and accept that and act accordingly.

Also to try to release control. It's gonna be her journey and he can't force her to do anything - if she's going to PA he can't stop it. He has to focus on himself.

I'm honestly not sure what to say about how to deal with the calling and texting of the EA. He's seen phone logs and spied on texts, and knows it's more than friends. It reminds me so much of where I was went I took my son away with them during the period right after my BD where I knew my then-W was texting her coworker inappropriately. But...does he tell her to stop? He can't control her. But if he doesn't does he then just go along and accept it? That's weak. She knows he knows she's talking to a "friend" and they both now at a minimum it's crossing a line. They've talked about it. And he's had check ins with her about it, which I told him to stop.

Honestly the two of them...he's a high performer engineer for an aerospace company and she's a PA for a medical organization. Just estimating but they must make $300-400k between them, have two wonderful children in grade school (around my kids age maybe a year or two older), beautiful home in the suburbs of a big city. No abuse, no drugs, no money issues...etc. It's this seemingly idyllic two kids and a picket fence life which most dream of, but as we know around here that doesn't matter. I just hate to see things blow up. It'd be a tragedy for everyone involved, him, the kids, and (imo) even her.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Originally Posted by BL42
Him and his W went to a predominately engineering / high male ratio college but had a hockey team seen as the athletic cool guys who apparently she hooked up and dated a few before they were together, so maybe she's having fantasies/flashbacks about that.
Women love the bad boys.
Originally Posted by BL42
I told him to start acting out of strength and flipping his mindset that he's the prize and she's crazy if she leaves him.
You are a good friend BL.
Originally Posted by BL42
Stop being weak and making excuses about "just being friends" and "helping her friend out with a breakup". She's cheating and lying, and he needs to recognize and accept that and act accordingly.
Exactly!
Originally Posted by BL42
Also to try to release control. It's gonna be her journey and he can't force her to do anything - if she's going to PA he can't stop it. He has to focus on himself.
But he has a say in what he will or ill not tolerate
Originally Posted by BL42
I'm honestly not sure what to say about how to deal with the calling and texting of the EA.
So DB says detach, 180, GAL which as we no NEVER works. Hindsight LH19 says "You can't have both. It's either him or me". If you choose him get your $hit and get out.
Originally Posted by BL42
And he's had check ins with her about it, which I told him to stop.
Hey hun you still cheating on me?
Originally Posted by BL42
Honestly the two of them...he's a high performer engineer for an aerospace company and she's a PA for a medical organization. Just estimating but they must make $300-400k between them, have two wonderful children in grade school (around my kids age maybe a year or two older), beautiful home in the suburbs of a big city. No abuse, no drugs, no money issues...etc. It's this seemingly idyllic two kids and a picket fence life which most dream of, but as we know around here that doesn't matter. I just hate to see things blow up. It'd be a tragedy for everyone involved, him, the kids, and (imo) even her.
Sad but predictable. He probably dropped the ball as a H and she became board and reconnected on FB. Welcome to the 2000s!

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Originally Posted by BL42
Vapo,
Originally Posted by Vapo
I do try to offer my advice to people in this situation, esp. having gone through the same thing myself. Very rarely is my advice accepted, but very often I get a "You were totally right, I so wish I heeded your advice."
How many situations have you weighed in on in real life? Sounds like a number of them?

SAdly, there has been quite a number of these situations. Once you go through such a situation, you develop a sort of radar for detecting MLC. And once you start, you cannot help but noticing MLC all around you. It is astonishing...

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I had an out of town getaway this past weekend for my college buddy's (second) wedding. W1 also went to college with us so we all knew and were friends her, but the two of them live quite a distance so we didn't often see each other post-graduation except for events like weddings. I remember she wasn't drinking at my wedding and they announced she was pregnant with their second child. Then, a year or two later they were separated and divorced. I remember back then being shocked how two friends of mine who seemed like a good couple and who had two young children (one barely a toddler) getting divorced. Now, I guess with my experience I can understand how it happened.

As far as I know the two of them separated/divorced amicably. They kept posting pictures on social media about going to places together with the kids and great co-parenting. And I talked to him after my own BD to get some insight / perspective and he thought they got along well and said maybe 50/50 at the time about them reconciling at some point in the future. I'm not aware of any affair and my understanding is he met W2 after the D, and W1 is not in another relationship currently.

There was some talk about the situation at the wedding. My friend's sister mentioned "meeting at the first time around with W1" in the elevator to me. I made a faux pas referring to "groom and W1" instead of W2 to a couple who was there as friends of W2...opps. And my good buddy and some other college friends of the groom even wondered out loud before the wedding if W1 might be in attendance (because of the amicable nature).

I do wonder how W1 felt over the weekend. I imagine it might be emotional for her, even if the D was a mutual decision.

It was my first wedding since BD. I wasn't anxious to go alone or about feelings potentially stirring up related to my situation, mostly just excited to see friends. However, I'll tell you the moment that did really hit me hard and deep - it was when the groom's two children (approx two years older than mine) walked down the aisle and were part of the ceremony of their one parent and not their other parent. It made me reflect on my situation and thinking of my own kids potentially being apart of another wedding with ExW and OM2 and I got sad and teared up honestly. I know mine are already merged into a different family life part time, regardless of a wedding/legal marriage, but still get emotional and have a hard time accepting that occasionally. The good news is groom's / W1's kids seemed happy and the ceremony and were tearing up the dance floor at the reception, so hopefully it was all good for them...but it did twinge my own heart a bit as a dad who is still working on "Surviving the Big D".

Anyway, I was mostly excited to be reunited all our close college buddies for the first time since before COVID. Unfortunately two of our really close friends backed out at the last minute. And their wives I know and were friends with as well. That was disappointing. Kind of ruined our big "reunion" with everything there. However, I did have a great time catching up the day before and of the wedding with one close friend and his new girlfriend and a high school buddy who also happens to live in that city, and we toured all around. That was a blast.

Overall I'm glad I made the (long) trip and could catch up with several friends I hadn't seen in years.

A couple wedding weekend observations I made relevant to recent discussions on the forum:

-The groom met W2 via OLD (Hinge, I believe) after the divorce. So it does work sometimes! She's beautiful, energetic, happy, family first kind of girl (if what I observed/heard is to be believed) and has certainly embraced being a stepmom to the kids, so I guess that's all you can ask for them.

-My other college buddy and his new girlfriend met through an OLD site (not sure which) before the pandemic. She seemed super friendly and they seemed happy at first, but then a lot of the weekend the two were bickering and passive aggressive and so I left not being exactly sure about their relationship. Time will tell and I wish them the best, but they need to communicate and work on some things or they'll have issues even if they do "make it".

-My high school buddy seems well enough but I just get a sense him and his W relationship isn't the best. He doesn't seem thrilled with things and has mentioned issues she's had about not holding a job due to focus...etc. I don't know. He's one of my oldest friends. Hope he's happy.

-Met a couple at our table where the guy was significantly older than his girlfriend. The rest of the table was all speculating and we put the timeline together that he's 55+ and she was gotta be younger than 40, maybe 35? He did not look that old. He was in-shape, dressed well, shaven head, very engaging and sociable (we all liked him) and mentioned he had sold his company and went corporate. She was incredibly attractive, high heels, tight dress, very sociable / likeable as well and could definitely date any single guy her age. They were self-described as boyfriend / girlfriend, not engaged or married, no kids. It'd be interesting to follow along with their relationship to see what happens, but they were on the bride's "side" of the wedding, so I'm not connected on social media or anything.

Anyway...thought those observations were interesting in light of recent discussions here. 4 couples, 2 happy / 2 (potentially) unhappy. 2 met on OLD (must have some success), plus the age / attraction dynamic. Everything looked at through the DB'ing lens these days...


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
The groom met W2 via OLD (Hinge, I believe) after the divorce. So it does work sometimes! She's beautiful, energetic, happy, family first kind of girl (if what I observed/heard is to be believed) and has certainly embraced being a stepmom to the kids, so I guess that's all you can ask for them.
Yeah it works for sure. Hinge is the best free app. I match with a lot of girls from Toronto on Hinge but the distance is too much for most women. Most of the bad OLD stigma comes from Tinder.
Originally Posted by BL42
Met a couple at our table where the guy was significantly older than his girlfriend. The rest of the table was all speculating and we put the timeline together that he's 55+ and she was gotta be younger than 40, maybe 35? He did not look that old. He was in-shape, dressed well, shaven head, very engaging and sociable (we all liked him) and mentioned he had sold his company and went corporate. She was incredibly attractive, high heels, tight dress, very sociable / likeable as well and could definitely date any single guy her age. They were self-described as boyfriend / girlfriend, not engaged or married, no kids. It'd be interesting to follow along with their relationship to see what happens, but they were on the bride's "side" of the wedding, so I'm not connected on social media or anything.
What??? You say a high status male was at the wedding with a sexy woman 20 years younger? I have to say I am shocked! You say they are not married? I have to say I am shocked! You say she say she would rather be with a high status male 20 years older than a nice guy her own age? I have to say I am shocked lol.

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Originally Posted by LH19
What??? You say a high status male was at the wedding with a sexy woman 20 years younger? I have to say I am shocked!

Who said he was a high status male? You assume. They assume. All we know for sure is he was upper middle age and compensating his receding hairline by shaving his head. We don’t know much else other than he was in shape and dressed well. Don’t know his job, his morals, his ethics, his income, his wealth, etc. same with her. She could very well have been from the sugar baby/daddy sites. I’ve seen it before. He could be 3 times divorced and a dead beat dad up to his eyeballs in debt. Or he could be as you assume, but we can only surmise. We really don’t know.

As for OLD creating marriages, that’s far more likely in the 20 and 30 something crowd than in the 40s and most certainly 50s groups. The chances of these 2 having a forever marriage are tiny - possible but unlikely. But it was a fun wedding date I’m sure and provided the group with speculation and fodder.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Don I get the feeling you despise the Chads of the world. Are you an Incel? lol.

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LH19,
Originally Posted by LH19
Hinge is the best free app.
Hinge seemed the "classiest" in my brief experience, which appeals to me.

Originally Posted by LH19
I match with a lot of girls from Toronto on Hinge but the distance is too much for most women.
Aren't you in the US? How far are you from Toronto?

Originally Posted by LH19
Most of the bad OLD stigma comes from Tinder.
My experience of Tinder is a trash heap. 90% fake, catfish, and trashy. Quality profiles few and far between.

Originally Posted by LH19
What??? You say a high status male was at the wedding with a sexy woman 20 years younger? I have to say I am shocked! You say they are not married? I have to say I am shocked! You say she say she would rather be with a high status male 20 years older than a nice guy her own age? I have to say I am shocked lol.
I had a feeling this observation may pique your interest, LH! Definitely an example of a guy who put in the work and put himself in a great spot in his later dating years.

DonH,
Originally Posted by DonH
Who said he was a high status male? You assume. They assume.
Granted I only met him for 4 hours, but he certainly came across as high status. I used the term "in-shape", but he was built/jacked. He polished and put together, wore a fitted suit and had a great smile, and was very charming and sociable. Mentioned selling his business and went corporate. I don't know whether he was married before, but based on the conversation don't believe he had kids. He was invited as a close friend / defacto-family member of the bride, so doubt he brought a sugar baby. But what's behind the façade? Obviously I don't have a detailed background check and can't refute your "we really don't know", but he definitely gave off high status vibes.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
Aren't you in the US? How far are you from Toronto?
BL I am about an hour and a half from Toronto.

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Quote
Originally Posted by LH19
Hinge is the best free app.
Hinge seemed the "classiest" in my brief experience, which appeals to me.

I have been off the dating apps for a few years now, and last used OkCupid (although I didn't like their redesign as well as the original version). I'm curious as to what people see as the pros and cons of the different apps (and how the age ranges skew on different ones).

I liked OkCupid for their lengthy profiles (with prompts) as it let me learn a lot about someone and rule out really incompatible people pretty easily. I also liked their in depth questionnaires, which would give you a compatibility score with other's answers. I found any of the guys I met who had at least a 90% compatibility score with me were usually the type of people I would likely get along with, at least as friends. However, this app is old and I doubt younger people are using it any more, so it may be skewing older than when I was on there.

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