You were not in one relationship. And I’m NOT judging about having a child out of wedlock. And I don’t believe being in one relationship since divorce is an issue.
The issue is passing judgement on those who are divorced , dating and chose to have sex , even if it is “just to get off” as long as those 2 parties are protecting themselves and are consenting. Some frown on child out of wedlock , some Frown on safe sex outside of a relationship. It’s not for anyone to judge, that’s all.
And back to the actual thread owner. When we l came here we were left and told our spouses wanted a divorce. We didn’t come here wanting to leave our spouses. If we decide on the process of DB that we don’t want to try to save a marriage that our spouse doesn’t want to save, it doesn’t mean we are pro divorce. It doesn’t put us on a wall away spouse level. Truth be told, it takes 2 people to want to save a marriage. And when the process of trying to save kne when only Party wants to, there is no shame in saving it selves when it takes a toll on us and decide to go through with the divorce our spouse wants
Spot on. I'm not pro divorce. It's just my STBXW did me a favor. I'm not wanting to save my marriage because it cannot be saved. It would take magic for her to change to what is needed. Ironically, she feels the same as me. The difference between this BD and last is that I woke up to the reality of emotional abuse and just how insidious it is. When I look at her behavior through that lense, it's made me question a lot about our entire marriage. I have a lot to contribute to the failure, and a lot of improvement, it's not all her. But where I thought I had to improve wasn't the case, it was the result of 12 years of gaslighting. Narcs have a very crafty way to justify why it's you. And this nice guy accepted that. The realization she has no capability of empathy is what finally made me feel I'm supporting this D and on my terms.
Steve, I've read NMMNG twice. It resonates, and some good stuff there. I've also read the book called attachment. It freaked me out as it explained anxious avoidant attachment (our marriage) quite accurately.
For now, I've had two days of practically no outbursts. Very odd. Quite relaxing actually.
A lot of people lurk on the site and I think that it is good to have a variety of perspectives. You should continue to contribute. I think that there are good marriages that suffer through affairs. People do hit middle age, become unhappy with their lives, meet an affair partner and fantasticize about a new and exciting life, and then after a couple of years want to go back to their old, stable life. I'm not convinced that it is driven entirely by the state of their marriage. I think that there are other things that might drive someone to have an affair too. People also have an affair, leave, file for divorce, and then stop pursuing the divorce. Then, the person who left starts to treat the person who was left with kindness and respect. From my experience, DB is an excellent path to get back to that point for the LBS if that's what someone is looking for. I have my doubts about reconciling, but I know that you can DB your way back to that point. And even if the LBS decides to get a divorce, it brings you to a good point for post-divorce parenting.
As for everyone's dating life after BD, why does it matter to anyone but them? Everyone's spouse made the decision to leave. People should do what they want.
Well, the last two weeks have been probably the worse to date....I don't react, but internally it's taking a toll.
Originally Posted by R2C
Then you still have more personal growth work to do.
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
In what sense?
Something out of your control is taking a toll on you internally. It is something you can reflect on and see if there are changes to your behavior, belief system, thought process etc. that can change how it is affecting you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
