Well, the last two weeks have been probably the worse to date....I don't react, but internally it's taking a toll.
Originally Posted by R2C
Then you still have more personal growth work to do.
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
In what sense?
Something out of your control is taking a toll on you internally. It is something you can reflect on and see if there are changes to your behavior, belief system, thought process etc. that can change how it is affecting you.
The reason I ask, is it feels like telling the victim in the torture chamber he has work to do because he can't handle it.
I get what you are saying though, it's just that some days I'm not strong enough, other days, I manage well. It comes down to fear of her projecting some devious plan to conflate the D. In IC we talked about that and we discussed I need to be patient, and chill. I have the right legal process in play, let it's follow the course.
Well, the last two weeks have been probably the worse to date....I don't react, but internally it's taking a toll.
Originally Posted by R2C
Then you still have more personal growth work to do.
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
In what sense?
Something out of your control is taking a toll on you internally. It is something you can reflect on and see if there are changes to your behavior, belief system, thought process etc. that can change how it is affecting you.
The reason I ask, is it feels like telling the victim in the torture chamber he has work to do because he can't handle it.
Did you watch any Peter Crone videos yet? You may find his philosophies helpful on this subject. There are lengthy (2hrs?) interviews of him by Kerwin Rae and Dr Rangan Chatterjee another post recommended and I found enlightening.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
toughtimes, I get what you are saying. Sometimes the advice here seems counter-intuitive.
"My STBXW is making my life miserable!" "Oh, sounds like you have more personal growth to make."
But that is the point of DBing. Counter-intuitively controlling what you can, and letting go of what you cannot. That was my biggest learning through my own situation. Learning that there was nothing I could do to alter her behavior, but I could learn to control my reaction and feelings towards what she was doing. But I have to say, once you get to a place where you let things roll off your back like water off of a duck, it applies to so many different areas of your life! It helps you cope with that difficult coworker. With jerks on the road. With trolls on the internet. Etc.
If you can get to a place where her words and actions have little to no effect on your psyche and feelings, since she was at one time the biggest part of your life, then the rest of the people you come into contact with will have absolutely no impact on you no matter how poorly behaved they are!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you can get to a place where her words and actions have little to no effect on your psyche and feelings, since she was at one time the biggest part of your life, then the rest of the people you come into contact with will have absolutely no impact on you no matter how poorly behaved they are!
I'm like 85% the way there. Compared to BD1 where I was like 5% lol It's true, survive this, and everything after will be piss easy.
She pulled another trick, applied for child support just before my trip. I had to spend two hours out of my work day with the agency to create an account. I discovered, of course, the information she provides wasn't correct. So there will now be a dispute process I have to follow. The process didn't upset me but it was an annoying distraction. I did learn thought that in IHS, she'll end up with practically nothing anyway.
On the plus side, I'm looking at 2 weeks free of narcissistic abuse.
@BL42, So I've listened to three of Peter Crone's long videos. I've had the time, since I've had a long flight to North America, and now I'm quarantined in a hotel due to COVID
I have to say, he has an interesting viewpoint, a combination of acceptance and CBT. I looked up his bio and he pretty much says that those are is methods.
What I like is is views on problems (you don't have any), resistance is just fighting what is, and what has happened was meant to be, that is why it happened. The most powerful insight I liked, was how a simple perception limits our ability to perform. I heard him three times walk through the concept with a podcast host by stating what does it look like if X doesn't matter and what does it feel like to not have to worry about X. I think he has a knack for doing this, where a typical psychologist will just take a lot longer to get there.
This sort of ties in to what I've been telling myself about viewing my upcoming D as a blessing. But I see what you mean about accepting the screwed up sitch of my D process and STBXW behavior. I think it's the fear of the unknown future, and the fear I can't get rid of her control. Which is not true at all.
Thanks for the tip, I'll continue to listen to some more as I have another 24-hours locked away in a hotel.
toughtimes, fear is insidious. It keeps us stuck, it keeps us paralyzed, and the worst part: it causes us to bring about that which we fear most!
Fear of the unknown is very common and best worked through in IC. But learning to know that you will adapt and be okay no matter what is the key. But the fear of that you cannot get rid of her control is dangerous (see the third point above). She only has the control over you that you give to her. Lots of LBSs come where with manipulators for WASs, and it is frustrating at times because the simple truth of the matter is that the WAS only has the control that the LBS allows them to have.
You've got this! You're going to be fine no matter what the future holds, and you are in control of you! She is not. Remember that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If I could give LBS one bit of advice it would be to embrace the journey and embrace the unknown. It is so much better than the hell you are leaving behind.
I'm about to embark on my next journey. I'm flying home after visiting my family with D11 and S8. During my trip, STBXW took most of our savings and locked the rest by requiring dual signatures. My L had ripped into her with a scathing letter, demanding the funds are returned or else court. I won't know the answer until I land. I will need to borrow money to move out since I have access to very little cash. But I planned for this, I already lined up a loan.
The adventure is that she agreed to sign Parenting Plan, so that is my ticket out. My goal is in 30 days to be in my own place with access to my kids. $ and legal issues aside, I farking can't wait.
No matter how this escalates, I don't have fear. Nervous, yeah, a little. Fearful? No. The prize is my life in 2024. My family are more frightened than me.
The more I understand narcassism and her sickness, the more I realise a lot of what I thought was me, wasn't. The power is that she has no more over me, and I have a clarity that I've never had before.
I'll be free, she never will.
The trip was a success. I've bonded with my family in a way that I never did before. It was my choice to do it, and I'm pleased with the outcome. This was because I had no fear to confront the past.
