I feel for you. I'm in the same sitch as you. It's hard, really hard. From a cordial BD to hostile communication in under a month for me.
The vets here will say yes. In my case, it waxes and wanes based on her nervousness. As we led up to mediation for a parenting plan, the abuse was insane. When it finished, she backed off. When she received a letter from my L it remindes her that she probably won't get what she wants. Then the abuse flairs up.
All I can say is be the stronger person, the grey rock. Ignore the emails and texts that don't have value or are not kid related. Set boundaries, and walk away if they are violated.
What I found is that the longer it goes AND you are consistent, she will slowly back down.
Of course her actions are to hurt you. She knows you the best, and knows the most intimate ways to get to you.
For me, when she negotiated some free days, I jumped. I now love my weekends. Saturday no STMXW to interfere with child rearing, and Sunday I disappear. Sure, the first time I ignored her on my Sunday she chucked a fit. But after three she realises what this means.
Hang in there, you can do it! Look at the better future, this will just be a blip.
In the beginning sometimes some days I did feel some what hopeful that there might be R.
That's normal. So did many of us.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Now, I did realised that most, probably all actions by my eX are to hurt me, cause pain as much as possible.
She could be doing this to push you away more to remove any hopes in your mind of R so you stop trying and she can move on, or she might be feeling guilty about her actions and projecting that anger and resentment onto you. I know this is the most personal situation you can have, but try not to take it personally - many times it's about them, not you.
Originally Posted by Jq25
From BD conversation 7 month ago to now everything moving in a downward spiral. All communications or rather attempts at it are downgrading (all are kid related).
Do you still speak? Have you thought about moving communications to email? This will give you time to read, process, respond instead of reacting in the moment.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Will this subside with time?
Very possibly. It's typically very raw and difficult at the start and often gets easier over time. But not always. There are certainly examples here where things don't.
How is the GAL coming? Are you filling up your time when you're not with your son? What's the latest on the D?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Hey guys, always thanks for being here for us! things are are moving but not in a right direction lol. In the beginning sometimes some days I did feel some what hopeful that there might be R. Now, I did realised that most, probably all actions by my eX are to hurt me, cause pain as much as possible. From BD conversation 7 month ago to now everything moving in a downward spiral. All communications or rather attempts at it are downgrading (all are kid related). She would be talking about one thing but then do something completely different and BLAME me for F***ing up and being impossible and as always I never compromise on things. Talking to her is like talking to a robot, let’s say she has to talk about subject A and she would talk only about A even if I jump to subject B similar issue she will just return to subject A and that’s it. Seems like it’s scripted conversation or even it being Rehearsed. Will this subside with time?
The short answer is yes. However, everything improves/subsides with time. The next question most people ask is "how long?". And that answer is much less clear. Everyone is different. This could be your STBXW's new modus operandi for quite a long time. However, this is why you need to limit your contact with her to "must have" conversations only. How are you having these conversations? Verbally? Text? Email? The general advice is to stick to email. Make drop off and pick up of the kids "hi and bye" situations.
When LBSs have trouble communicating with their WAS it is usually because they are over-communicating. The best way to deal with it is to communicate less.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey BL and Steve, For many Months I cut off all of the verbal communication with her. To begin with it was strictly about a kid but she turned it 180 degrees by talking about one thing and doing something else. She screwed me multiple times so everything has to have paper trail. So there is Zero conversions whatsoever but we work in the same Building. We see each other multiple times a day sometimes out eyes meet but that’s about it. No communication when one of us picks up or drops off the kid. About a month ago we did have a conversation about a kido. I was proud of myself how well it went and we came up to agreement but you probably guessed it right an hour later she did everything backasswards and blamed me for lack of communication skills LOL. Text or eMail 99.99% even that is difficult 😥 because she is trying to cause pain and confusion both so at the end of the day she can comment that it’s the same as 14 years being married to me I just don’t learn. I so wanna loose my cool and let my emotions 🖤 run wild, tell her how I feel but I know it will back fire 🔥 at me by her telling me that she should raise a child by herself because as always I am being Vicious like past # of years.
Divorce - L are working on it, I would give her my last pair of [censored] but my L has a different things in mind. He told me It’s in the works.
GAL - I am not in a bar/club scene but I still fill my day with Things to do. Trying to hang out with friend or so called friends. Most couples took her side as I said before and hang out with her and her “new BF” Her “new BF” = AP but people think I am on meds, she is too nice of a person to cheat and she told them different story how she met her soul mate.
For many Months I cut off all of the verbal communication with her. To begin with it was strictly about a kid but she turned it 180 degrees by talking about one thing and doing something else. She screwed me multiple times so everything has to have paper trail.
Good. Keep things to email. Gives you a chance to read, review, reflect, and then respond. Short, simple, direct and to business - helps remove the emotions. Plus, like you said...definitely need a record of decisions on finances and kids.
Originally Posted by Jq25
we work in the same Building. We see each other multiple times a day sometimes out eyes meet but that’s about it.
I didn't realize you work in the same building. That's awkward. Same company too, or just building? There have been other posters in the last year or two that had a similar situation. Magnhild in the same school and another poster I forget the name (man?) in the same corporate building. We recommended looking for new employment, both to get distance and because it's an employee's market right now so could lead to a promotion and raise.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Text or eMail 99.99% even that is difficult
Stick to it.
Originally Posted by Jq25
because she is trying to cause pain and confusion both so at the end of the day she can comment that it’s the same as 14 years being married to me I just don’t learn.
She's going to have her narrative. She's resentful and perhaps project her pain and guilt and anger onto you. Try to let it roll off your back, pick your head up, and go smile and live a great life.
Originally Posted by Jq25
I so wanna loose my cool and let my emotions run wild, tell her how I feel
Keep your cool. Stay calm, strong, and in control.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Divorce - L are working on it, I would give her my last pair of [censored] but my L has a different things in mind. He told me It’s in the works.
Good. Rely on your L, or truly works in your best interest.
Originally Posted by Jq25
GAL - I am not in a bar/club scene but I still fill my day with Things to do. Trying to hang out with friend or so called friends.
GAL isn't all bars and clubs. Go on a hike, check out a movie, enroll in a class, join a club, join a gym/yoga class...etc.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Most couples took her side
Why do you think this might be? Any reason besides her stories they would side with her?
Originally Posted by Jq25
hang out with her and her “new BF” Her “new BF” = AP but people think I am on meds, she is too nice of a person to cheat and she told them different story how she met her soul mate.
You're married correct? She's married to you. By definition if she has a BF while married it's an affair.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Originally Posted by Jq25 Most couples took her side Why do you think this might be? Any reason besides her stories they would side with her?
- there are no other real reasons for people to take her side. sometimes I do come out a little to strong but never disrespectful or mean to people around me. I am not a nice type of the guy, I don’t kiss her ass or any ones. She on the other hand very quite and shy around other people. Seem to be very sweet girl so it was easy for her to play a Victim.
Hi, no significant updates, I am 8 month into this insanity. Sometimes it’s easy and my emotions are strong and well. But there is other side when soon to be Ex trying to hurt me then it’s hard and painful. Detachment is happening but at slow pace. Provocative conversations really get to me especially the ones she know hurt me most and that button she is pressing.
How did U guys handle divorce? Did u nickel and dime ur ex or being super fair? When I trying to be as fair as possible she flares up, when do opposite she flares up too, there is no win. Any thoughts?
