I'm Back after 1st DB (5)

[BL42]

toughtimes180,

Well, the last two weeks have been probably the worse to date. In the lead up to the second mediation session, I've had daily abusive emails about all sorts of things, and verbally all the usual I've come to expect: projection, reframing the past, blame for the littlest of things. I don't react, but internally it's taking a toll.

Like I just told Jq25...keep your cool. Stay calm, strong, and in control.

I did come prepared.

Doing your due diligence when they don't can make a difference. It saved me a good bit of money.

We got to the point about 50/50 and she wouldn't budge from 40/60.

Don't accept anything less 50/50, period.

I pressed to say what would it take, and she wouldn't answer. I kept pressing, and she said, give me the finances I'm asking for.

Ah...there you have it. If you know what you're entitled to don't give up on custody OR finances.

In other words, she used our children as a bargaining chip.

It certainly happens. If she thinks she can get more money using something as a bargaining chip, why not?

So back to me to draft something and see if she'll sign the damn thing.

You sound more frustrated with the process and wanting it to be finalized than sad about your sitch.

I guess, to be positive, I'm closer then ever to what I wanted in a Parenting Plan.

You were always entitled to closer to what you want than what STBXW said she wanted. All you needed to do (which you are) is stand firm and let the legal process play out.

It really enforces to me I cannot trust anything from this woman, and I did the right thing to not negotiate the finances.

"Trust nothing of what they say"

She still tries a couple of times to week to sidestep lawyers with emails or even sms. I guess since the hard threats haven't worked, it's now a softer approach. I don't even respond to any of them.

Good. If anything "please direct this to my L".

The best part of IHS is the weekends. It's a blissful glimpse of the future. A day of the kids with no interference and a day by myself. Three weeks in a row, and I love it.

You sound excited for the D. Not typical of newbies around here.

In four days I fly with D11 and S8 for a 2 week overseas vacation. It's just what I need, so I can forget about things for a while.

Awesome! Enjoy!

I am half expecting some letter from her lawyer during this time. You know, to remind me who's in charge. But I shouldn't focus on that, just on the awesome quality time I'm facing.

Right. Don't worry about it. It can wait two weeks. Enjoy your time.

In case Steve asks how's my GAL, gym, bushwalks, out with friends, about to start a martial arts class.

Well done! Keep it up!

[Josh71]

BL42,

I think after lots of reflection, and IC, I probably came to the conclusion I don't want to save the R. I just never admitted it to myself out of fear. The biggest issue I see is that all her behaviors add up to something along the lines of Narcissism or Borderline. And because her changes over the years have been superficial at best, I can't see any way for her to change to what I need. Now, of course, in a good relationship, her behaviors are not as bad as now. But they are still toxic, and it was right from the start. Post separation has only amplified those core behaviors. My personal work is why I valued myself so little to think this was acceptable.

I know this board is about saving the marriage, and I think there was a bit of a debate about that. But I see this board as saving yourself, with an strong focus on saving the marriage. Because at the end of the day, I see a lot of LBS quite happy about D when the R didn't work out. The reason I'm happy about D is because I see no way to save it. I can only DB, nothing more. Time and time again, I feel the positive difference when I'm not around her, so it's a taste of freedom so to speak.

You are right, I'm frustrated at the process of separation, not at the separation itself. I am sad about the loss, but not that much. I recognize I already grieved and accepted the end of this well before BD. I just never realised it.

Of course I wish she could improve herself so we could have a healthy relationship. I really do. But I need to accept reality, and everything suggests she won't change.

Hope this makes sense.

[Traveler]

TT180, it's reasonable for you to decide that a marriage where neither of you has been happy for years is worth saving. 12 years later I have no qualms about divorcing my XW. I believe it was the right choice for me and my kids. Do your best to control your emotions to minimize damage to the co-parenting relationship. If you're in the right, your lawyers will prevail without harsh words. There will be some hard times when IHS ends and you find yourself alone. Hopefully, you'll find your happy single and you'll both find your happy with partners who accept who you are. Self-improvement can only improve those odds.

[LH19]

12 years later I have no qualms about divorcing my XW. I believe it was the right choice for me and my kids.

Have you ever asked your kids if they agree with you or is this your typical selfish statement?

[Josh71]

LH19, interesting question, if provocative.

For me, I know D11 is too self-absorbed to care (for now). S8, I worry about the impact, he's sensitive and has emotional regulation issues. But I like to think that I don't exhibit toxic behaviors to my kids, although I'm sure in twenty years they will be complaining to their therapist about me! Many times I call out STBXW for her inability to accept my children's emotions, even today I called her out for dismissing my Son's anger.

When she is not around, I don't see the same behavioral issues that we've been dealing with over the last 5 years. I genuinely believe she contributes a lot to the children's conflict. In fact D11 blurted out last week that STBXW is a narc. Where she picked that up is beyond me, I've never once said that in our house. I was laughing inside, but shut my mouth to see where the conversation went. D11 had valid critisms, and STBXW didn't handle it well.

So I'd like to think, her choice to leave will be better for my kids. Because I safely demonstrate empathy, compassion, and parent by example, and will be able to do without interference. I will be a safe place for them.

Without knowing Traveler sitch, I hope I'll feel the same in a few years time.

[Traveler]

LH19, interesting question, if provocative.

I've learned not to feed the forum bully.

When she is not around, I don't see the same behavioral issues that we've been dealing with over the last 5 years. I genuinely believe she contributes a lot to the children's conflict.

So I'd like to think, her choice to leave will be better for my kids. Because I safely demonstrate empathy, compassion, and parent by example, and will be able to do without interference. I will be a safe place for them.

That's very possible. And maybe you will lead by example. When my kids tell my XW they consistently behave differently at my home than hers, she sometimes gets curious, and adopts my policies or behaviors.

[LH19]

I've learned not to feed the forum bully.

I also learned you are not the nice guy you try to portray yourself to be on these boards. You do what's best for you and you ignore tough questions. You made the decision for your kids. I just asked if you ever asked them if they agreed with your decision. I know if I ask mine they would both 100% agree our D was best for them.

[kml]

My personal work is why I valued myself so little to think this was acceptable.

This!

[LH19]

I know if I ask mine they would both 100% agree our D was best for them.

Yikes. NOT best for them.

[Ready2Change]

Well, the last two weeks have been probably the worse to date....I don't react, but internally it's taking a toll.

Then you still have more personal growth work to do.