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Since I stink at quoting, let me give this a shot.

E- you are a sweetheart, thank you! Each night I play a podcast when I go to bed. I am definitely going ot listen to that podcast. Dating has een changed in the last 13 or so years I have been doing it. It's just getting harder. The longer I have been at it, I don't get better at it, I get more confused, lol

MAch- I loved K too SHe was always so unapologetically herself. Fiesty, smart, passionate. Everything I want to be when I grow up

Mach and LH- I do believe my ex is happy. What a normal guy sees as horrible, he sees as great. He is HAPPY he only has to be a father very part time. He was 31 when he remarried and dhe remarried a woman who wanted kids. He didnt want anymore. He liked only having one part time. It was enough for him. what you might view as miserable, he views as ideal.

MLC- Oh, my ex doesn't just choose to find happiness. He seeks happiness when things aren't going as he likes and gets what he wants where he wants it, ot caring about who he might hurt. "missing excitement, attraction with current spouse? I will fix that, I'll get a side piece! I will get safety and family from my wife, and excitement elsewhere. Problem solved! I cant do that.

I'll be honest. "happiness comes from within" is kind of BS. We all seek happiness from extermal sources. Hobbies, passions, work, friendships, relationships...... something that fuels a fire within us. And I am not an unhappy person..... I am not thrilled with how things turned out or where I am right now. But I am not miserable. I can find happiness in many situations. I am happy in my job, except that i don't make enough money. I am happy with my D. SHe's awesome. I am happy with my friends. All good things.

MAch- as far as me just being a woman and not identifying myself in a role. I am always in a role. You nailed it. Mom, nurse, friend. Who am I? Well, there are a few times I reconect with myself and I am not in a role. It's in my one hour 3-4 times per week I am in the gym. It's me time. I work hard in my classes. I pay attention to what my body is capable of and I just feel good about myself. I feel alive. Same when I go for a hike and ike riding. It is the only time I am not inside my head and i am just me. I also am not a fashionista and I am creature of comfort. My wardrobe comes form amazon and costco. But I put together outfits for cheap I get alot of compliments on. ANd i enjoy looking good n a budget. I own pretty much NOTHING designer. In my neck of the woods, everyone has something, but not me.

SAdly, the things tht do make me feel like me, sometimes come with guilt . Guilt that my kid is home alone longer on my gym days. Guilt that alot of my responsibilities have to get pushed aside. That my house isnt in tip top shape. Because something has to give when I do things for myself. I like to think I have endless energy, but I do not.

Which brings me to an embarrasing confession. I want someone to take care of me. Yup. Not because I can't do it myself. But because it would feel amazing. I have never had it. Barely in my child hood. For sure not in my adulthood. I am the caregiver. Work and home. I want someone to care enough to make sure I am safe, well, fed, relaxed and not overwhelemd majority of the time. SOmethng I have never experiened.

Last, but not least, LH. yes, I women can have a sexual attraction withot emotional connection. ANd with me and this guy, its an emotional friendly connection. We can connect, but not on a deep level. ANd it isn't date 2. it's rounds 2. we went on 6-7 dates prior. ANd again, its going the same way it did the first ime. days without communicatuon. ANd if I were to text him
right now, he would answer right away. But I have to do all the work, and quite frankly I don't want to. I remember it's why I ended it the first time. I just dont care much this time around. Last time I had anxiety over it, this time I just dont't give a F

I will leave you all with an intersting tid bit. I asked D if she heard from her dad and she said only when he landed and she isn't going to text him. SHe said she thinks OW is texting him like 10 times a day and is so incredibly lonely. OW has been sending D texts asking how she is and how she can't wait to see her wed night and she it;s "weird" D decieded to go there with her grandma even though dad isnt home because she feels bad for her stepmother. Apprebtly this woman can't survive without him. I have a big work event tomorrow so it works out well for me. One of the nicest catering halls in the area (and NJ has alot of them) free drinks and food and netowrking. It'll be fun.

That's enough for now, i was too long winded

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Mach,

Originally Posted by Mach1
My girlfriend of 13 years passed away last month. She had a long courageous battle with Cancer.
That's awful. Very sorry about your loss. Thoughts and prayers...

Ginger1,
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Our sexual chemistry is pretty intense. However, while he’s a great dude , we have have fun together , and did I mention sexual chemistry? The emotional closeness isn’t there.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Last, but not least, LH. yes, I women can have a sexual attraction withot emotional connection. ANd with me and this guy, its an emotional friendly connection. We can connect, but not on a deep level.
Would you expand on little on this? As a guy, I'm curious on a your thoughts as a female on why there is a sexual attraction but not an emotional connection? What makes you both attracted sexually, not not emotionally? Is it just a physical thing? Or you want to connect but don't think he's open and available at the moment?

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am just feeling it lately. I spent the weekend grocery shopping, cooking, lawn mowing gardening, cleaning, power washing the house, running errands ….. it’s been so so so so incredibly long since I’ve known what help is. Or sharing responsibilities . It seems so foreign to me.
I hear you on this. I felt like I was crushing it at first, but have been slipping on some stuff around the house lately. And it's only been 2-2.5 years. 14 years is a long time to primary parent and have no support. I find when it's my "off" time I should get some stuff done but sometimes need to just veg out or try to GAL.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
With the financial weight in my shoulders for so long likewise, sometimes I really just want to run away and live in a tiny house or a cabin.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Originally Posted by LH19
Has an incredible ex wife who is raising his daughter quite well and hasn’t made his life miserable.
Maybe it's time to make his life miserable by going back to court?
Maybe you've explored this ir are tired of people suggesting it, but when is the last time you were in court over child support? I know you've said you make more and typically the parent's significant other doesn't factor in, but aside form the presumptive formula the court has discretion / latitude to adjust amounts. I wonder how a family court judge would feel about your ExH jetting off to tropical island vacations yet not chipping in for his daughter's new sweatshirt. I care for my kids more than my ExW yet I have to pay for the mortgage on the she and OM2 live in; it's definitely not fair you get peanuts when you're the primary. Don't be a "nice guy" about it. If there is a chance you could get more, stand up for yourself and get it. Or, maybe I'm completely off base and you've exhausted that option.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
The ex is “alone” currently on the island of saint maarten. I couldn’t help myself , I texted him today . “ a solo vacay to st Maarten, huh?” He replied “yes, I am loving life!” I told him we are different kinds of broke . He said it was money he was saving from when he sold his motorcycle. Interesting way to use it right ?
Originally Posted by LH19
Very interesting! Hmmmm.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I will leave you all with an intersting tid bit. I asked D if she heard from her dad and she said only when he landed and she isn't going to text him. SHe said she thinks OW is texting him like 10 times a day and is so incredibly lonely.
It really is bizarre he'd go to a tropical island by himself when married. Not a scuba diving trip or golfing expedition with his buddies or anything? How does that conversation go with OW? No ask to come with? It does seem pretty fishy.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Gets to be dad maybe 2-3 times a week.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I do believe my ex is happy. What a normal guy sees as horrible, he sees as great.
This really is sad. If he's happy about this - and he may be - I pity him. It's no easy task raising your kids, but there's also nothing more fulfilling. Maybe he just doesn't realize what he's missing out on.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Oh, and he has a job where he can retire at 55 ( thanks to my dad and his wife).
What do you mean thanks to your dad?

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I have a big work event tomorrow so it works out well for me. One of the nicest catering halls in the area (and NJ has alot of them) free drinks and food and netowrking. It'll be fun.
Sounds like a blast...enjoy!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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“I'll be honest. ‘happiness comes from within’ is kind of BS. We all seek happiness from extermal sources. Hobbies, passions, work, friendships, relationships...... something that fuels a fire within us”

So you’re saying that to feel happy these external things ultimately have to fuel a fire “within” us? smile

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Originally Posted by Ginger
I'll be honest. "happiness comes from within" is kind of BS. We all seek happiness from extermal sources. Hobbies, passions, work, friendships, relationships...... something that fuels a fire within us. And I am not an unhappy person..... I am not thrilled with how things turned out or where I am right now. But I am not miserable. I can find happiness in many situations. I am happy in my job, except that i don't make enough money. I am happy with my D. SHe's awesome. I am happy with my friends. All good things.
If you doubt happiness from within is possible, read the works of Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor. It's not a BS for me, even if it is for you just now. I haven't reached his enlightenment--every few weeks I post about something that caused me to lose my cool. But truly as you find me now, on a random day, or when life goes just a bit south I chuckle and feel merry.

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BL- I would be happy to elaborate.

I honestly can’t explain why our sexual chemistry is so good. I think sometimes it something that can’t be explained. It all just clicks. On that level. And guess what. No 6 pack, no 6 figures. And he is 5’8 on a good day ( I’m 5’3 and don’t need tall) . As for the emotional
Connection ? Partially my walls and partially his. I know he isn’t ready or perhaps even capable of something serious right now. And I don’t want to get burned in that situation myself. So I’m sure are a bit emotionally unavailable to eachother . Dude hasn’t reached out in 3 days. At all. This is what he did the last time . It would go like 5 days and I would reach out and he would respond right away. I communicated how I felt
About that, but nothing changed and we parted ways. This time around I probably won’t say anything about it and just go about my business.

Actually, I did make the decision yesterday I am going to talk to him about the child support. I never readdressed it, and part of it was not wanting to rock the boat, and the other part is pride. But this is ridiculous. $88 a week in this economy and k have our kid most of the time ? It’s becoming crazy expensive. Teen girls cost money! She wants to hang out with friends, go to the mall, the movies, activities. I’m the one who gives her cash. She needs clothes which aren’t from childrens place anymore. Haircuts which are adult woman hair cut costs that I pay for. Feminine stuffs that I pay for. Underwear, bras, I pay for. She isn’t make up crazy but uses some. Does her nails every 3 weeks which I split with her. She’s a good kid and I’m not going to cut this stuff off. It’s basics, it’s not overboard and she deserves it. She babysits when she can, she uses her own money on non necessities. She really wants a job, but it’s tough at her age. She only
Comes to me things. And not for nothing that whopping &88 per week isn’t even for that stuff. Child support is to put a roof over her head and food on the table. That doesn’t make a dent. I stay where I am for her to attend school. I’ve made all the sacrifice, he hasn’t made any . So I decided to kindly sit down and explain the situation. I will give him a choice. Either we file the paper work or we can agree on an amount. And I’d only ask for $100 more per month. He should be able to swing that. I can’t let this go any longer.

Anyways, he got his job because my dad and my stepmother have the state job he has now. They got him the hook up. They let him use their address ( they are in NY and We are in NJ) they let him stay there while he was in the academy, pulled strings to get him the courthouse he wanted (ended up being the one my dad was at, they worked together for a few months and he retired) and that is where he ended up meeting his wife. Ironic, right? We agreed I would be the money job and he would be the benefits job. Well, that turned out well for me, lol.

God only knows how the “I’m taking my savings and going to saint maarten without you and alone” went. She wouldn’t dare rock the boat I guess, because according to my daughter she NEEDS him. ( no probing by me, she offers this information because she is very observant and emotionally intelligent. She also expressed she doesn’t want to live that way and respects that I am not that way)

As far as happiness comes from within. Yea, we have to make a choice to be happy. Some people can have everything in the world that you think would make them happy, but are still miserable. But really, happiness, excitement, sadness are usually fueled by outside sources. Do I rely on the external to dictate my moods? No. Can external things bring us an array of emotions? Absolutely!

I am content with how great my daughter is doing. I am content with my job. I am content with my friends. I feel a peace and calm when I think of certain things. And I feel unsettled and a bit of anxiety when I think about others. But overall, and everyone who knows me knows I am not a miserable person. My ex is a miserable person and asu daughter says “dad has anger issues” but he is generally happy when he finds things to make him that way

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Ginger1,
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I honestly can’t explain why our sexual chemistry is so good. I think sometimes it something that can’t be explained. It all just clicks.
Fair enough. Makes sense.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
And guess what. No 6 pack, no 6 figures. And he is 5’8 on a good day ( I’m 5’3 and don’t need tall).
No way. That's hard to believe ;-)

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Dude hasn’t reached out in 3 days. At all. This is what he did the last time.
So I don't think this is case here, but it's interesting to me all the dating / relationship materials I've seen online post-D all talk about the guy not being too eager at first and not over pursue - that women are more attracted to guys whose interest is unclear. Curious what your thoughts are on that.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Actually, I did make the decision yesterday I am going to talk to him about the child support.
Good! That's a good decision for you...and for your daughter.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I never readdressed it, and part of it was not wanting to rock the boat, and the other part is pride.
No need to worry about rocking the boat anymore...14 years in it is what it is. Pride? Wish my ExW had it LOL. You don't PLENTY as the primary single mom with no support - you deserve plenty of pride regardless of addressing support. Remember, it's not for you...it's for your daughter's needs.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
But this is ridiculous. $88 a week in this economy and k have our kid most of the time ?
Agreed.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
So I decided to kindly sit down and explain the situation. I will give him a choice. Either we file the paper work or we can agree on an amount. And I’d only ask for $100 more per month.
I'd recommend consulting a one-time consult with an L to explain the situation and numbers and have a professional give you a target. Maybe $100 more per month is actually low. A solid knowledge of where the courts might rule that will give you confidence in talking with ExH and firm up your stance so if he pushes back you just go ahead and file for review.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
He should be able to swing that.
The way you word that makes it sound you're still tentative/concerned about the impact to him. Maybe not, but make sure you act on what's right for you and your daughter and not what might impact his ability to jet off to a tropical island by myself! If he can swing that, and maybe other vacations, he can chip in for his daughter's clothes and haircuts.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Anyways, he got his job because my dad and my stepmother have the state job he has now...and that is where he ended up meeting his wife. Ironic, right?
Ironic indeed. I bet you spend time dwelling on that at the beginning of your sitch. My guess is with him it would've been somewhere else if not there though. Who knows.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
God only knows how the “I’m taking my savings and going to saint maarten without you and alone” went. She wouldn’t dare rock the boat I guess, because according to my daughter she NEEDS him.
Yeah...would've been interesting to be a fly on the wall for that discussion.

"Honey, I'm going to the saint maarten next month!"
"You're taking me for our anniversary?"
"No, I said I'm going"
"What do you mean, with your buddies?"
"No, just me"
"Um...."


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I honestly can’t explain why our sexual chemistry is so good.
This is interesting. The guy is labeled great after one romp in the hay. Maybe he had a good day? Or maybe you have to convince yourself that is the reason you are doing it?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I think sometimes it something that can’t be explained. It all just clicks. On that level. And guess what. No 6 pack, no 6 figures. And he is 5’8 on a good day ( I’m 5’3 and don’t need tall) .
If more women like you there would be more nuclear families, less depression and less INCELs running around this planet.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
As for the emotional Connection ? Partially my walls and partially his. I know he isn’t ready or perhaps even capable of something serious right now. And I don’t want to get burned in that situation myself. So I’m sure are a bit emotionally unavailable to each other .
Have you asked him? Studley, what is this relationship to you?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Dude hasn’t reached out in 3 days. At all.
Get's some booty and goes cold. Pattern? We shall see.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
This is what he did the last time . It would go like 5 days and I would reach out and he would respond right away. I communicated how I felt
I am guessing you felt really uneasy for those 5 days.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
About that, but nothing changed and we parted ways. This time around I probably won’t say anything about it and just go about my business.
So you are good with him reaching out when he is horny?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Actually, I did make the decision yesterday I am going to talk to him about the child support. I never readdressed it, and part of it was not wanting to rock the boat, and the other part is pride. But this is ridiculous. $88 a week in this economy and k have our kid most of the time ? It’s becoming crazy expensive.
It's about time that a-hole pays his dues!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
We agreed I would be the money job and he would be the benefits job. Well, that turned out well for me, lol.
I bet you eventually would have lost attraction for him.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
As far as happiness comes from within. Yea, we have to make a choice to be happy. Some people can have everything in the world that you think would make them happy, but are still miserable. But really, happiness, excitement, sadness are usually fueled by outside sources. Do I rely on the external to dictate my moods? No. Can external things bring us an array of emotions? Absolutely!
So to change this you have to change your blueprint on what makes you happy.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am content with how great my daughter is doing. I am content with my job. I am content with my friends. I feel a peace and calm when I think of certain things. And I feel unsettled and a bit of anxiety when I think about others. But overall, and everyone who knows me knows I am not a miserable person. My ex is a miserable person and asu daughter says “dad has anger issues” but he is generally happy when he finds things to make him that way
So you are by nature happy but unhappy and he is by nature miserable but happy. Weird world we live in.

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Ginger1,
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Actually, I did make the decision yesterday I am going to talk to him about the child support. I never readdressed it, and part of it was not wanting to rock the boat, and the other part is pride. But this is ridiculous. $88 a week in this economy and k have our kid most of the time ? It’s becoming crazy expensive.
It's about time that a-hole pays his dues!
Agreed, but it's not even about calling him an a-hole or making him pay his dues. Think of it for your daughter's sake. It's about making sure she has the resources in life she deserves. Her clothes, haircuts, and feminine products should come before his trip to saint maarten. That also helps you, and that's alright. You're certainly been pulling the bulk of the weight for nearly a decade and a half. It's ok to ask him to contribute more (or force him by court order, if needed).

When's the last time you revisited the amount? NJ has Cost of Living Adjustments (COLA) every 2 years and federal guidelines demand a state had procedures to revisit every 3 years for inflation purposes.

I am not a L, but there are plenty of state-specific resources and calculators online about child support, and while I don't know all your detailed numbers I have a decent sense of things just based on the high level you've shared here on this forum...so I did some rough estimates and ran some numbers. You have majority custody (estimated 70/30), you have low 6 figure income (estimated $100k), his salary is lower (estimated $50-75k). That ranged anywhere from $130-200 per week on various calculators. So...you may be able to reasonably double current support.

Now, my numbers might be off and there may be other factors I don't know and I'm not L. However, I also think a judge might use a good amount of discretion if he knew you were primary for 14 years and your Ex is jetting off on tropical vacations yet not chipping in for teenage girls basic necessities past $88/week.

The point is do not sell yourself short on the $100 per month, or extra $25/wk, based on what you think he can swing or is fair for him. Get an informed opinion from a professional to use as a guide for talking to Ex. And get a more fair amount if you can. It's not just for you - it's for your daughter.

Just my $0.02.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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LH- it was not my first time being intimate with him. We went on a bunch of dates. A lesson in sex Ed, not only sexual intercourse determines sexual chemistry. I did hear from
Him after. Just not in a few days. I don’t care. And in those 5 days last time, it wasn’t even uneasiness. I felt more frustrated than anything .

BL- our child support situation is tricky. What I receive now is the original ruling from our divorce. I was also paying 57% of childcare and he was paying 43% because I’m the higher earner . About a year into daycare we made an agreement that he would split daycare 50/50 and I wouldn’t revisit the child support .

But now here we are, no more camp or childcare. I am still the higher earner. He pays for her healthcare which was factored in ( now he pays for family since he’s been married. I am still the higher earner. Of course their house has 2 incomes and mine has one, but that doesn’t get figured in . I really don’t know how much more I would get.

And whatever extra I got, I would put that aside for all the extras for HER. Trips to the mall with her friends. Her womanly personal items that she doesn’t want to ask dad for. It’s going to her. Not me. I just can’t do it all.

I haven’t been sleeping despite my sleeping pill. Too much on my mind. And today is appearing to be a busy busy day at work.

Haha, when I was typing this the guy texted me

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Ginger1,
Originally Posted by Ginger1
our child support situation is tricky. What I receive now is the original ruling from our divorce.
Over a decade is a long time not to revisit. It's time. Just think of inflation this year alone.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I really don’t know how much more I would get.
Right. That's why you should consult with someone. Do a brief call with an L. Type up the details (incomes, custody arrangement...etc.), have it reviewed and calculated - shouldn't take them long - and get a professional estimate of what you're entitled to at this point as opposed to asking for $25 a week...you may be selling yourself short by a good bit there.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
And whatever extra I got, I would put that aside for all the extras for HER. Trips to the mall with her friends. Her womanly personal items that she doesn’t want to ask dad for. It’s going to her. Not me. I just can’t do it all.
You don't have to justify yourself here. Primary parent raising her daughter for 14 years...


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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