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#2935349 06/28/22 01:31 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Previous Thread:

No such luck

My title sums it up.

I’m still very single. I had date redo with guy with young kids. He left early Wednesday to bring his kid to the ER so we went out again Wednesday night . We had a lot of fun. We talked a little about where he is in life. Our sexual chemistry is pretty intense. However, while he’s a great dude , we have have fun together , and did I mention sexual chemistry? The emotional closeness isn’t there . I think he is still emotionally unavailable. There is just a certain distance and disconnect. I know it’s not going to go anywhere. So, I guess when we can hang out , we are just going to have fun when we can.

Honestly, the longer I have gone being a single adult and mom, the harder and more clueless and confused I get about dating. Nothing feels right anymore . I feel like a real relationship just isn’t possible.

Tired. I am just feeling it lately. I spent the weekend grocery shopping, cooking, lawn mowing gardening, cleaning, power washing the house, running errands ….. it’s been so so so so incredibly long since I’ve known what help is. Or sharing responsibilities . It seems so foreign to me . With the financial weight in my shoulders for so long likewise, sometimes I really just want to run away and live in a tiny house or a cabin. Live a minimalist simple life . Like I said, as I get older, and so many years go by being so alone….. the farther away the concept of a partner seems.

My dad has Covid. He’s doing Ok though, pretty exhausted but he thinks he’s going back to the gym tomorrow . Crazy man.

The ex is “alone” currently on the island of saint maarten. I couldn’t help myself , I texted him today . “ a solo vacay to st Maarten, huh?” He replied “yes, I am loving life!” I told him we are different kinds of broke . He said it was money he was saving from when he sold his motorcycle. Interesting way to use it right ?

Which bring me to his comment that he is loving life. I absolutely believe he is. I read from many posters how they speculate their exes aren’t happy, must be miserable, will regret and analyze everything . Guess what. Mine is very happy and has it made . A wife who lets him do whatever he wants . Takes 4 vacations a year. Goes to concerts every weekend. Gets to be dad maybe 2-3 times a week. Has an incredible ex wife who is raising his daughter quite well and hasn’t made his life miserable. Oh, and he has a job where he can retire at 55 ( thanks to my dad and his wife).
He is absolutely happy. And I am not going to try to speculate how he could not be. Because he is. T

Who knows ? Maybe I am the exception to the rule. Mine married the AP. He’s stayed together with her. He really is happier. And here I am , not the one who went on to find a wonderful man, grow my family, etc. i must look like a total loser to him. Yet, here he is quite happy.

Go figure .

Last edited by job; 06/28/22 03:03 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
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Oh Ginger. The frustration you are feeling is oozing out of this post. I am so sorry it is this way for you. You deserve more. You really do. I do believe you will find it…at some point…but the process is so hard, and I’m sorry for that.

I was listening to a podcast (I’m new to it) called “Smart Dating Academy”. She has a dating service as well if you look up her website. I’ve only listened to a few episodes, but so far I think some of the dating advice they promote is intriguing. I know you said your budget is tight and you may not want to try their service, but you might enjoy some of the ideas they propose. In one episode I listened to, they discussed how we keep ‘dating’ the same way and so we have the same results. As in, we are the common denominator on much of what isn’t working. I thought that was interesting. Have you really dug deep to understand what you are attracted to, and how you proceed on each date when you meet someone you like? Maybe doing something completely different will bring a different result?

I am no expert…by any means. I am just starting to explore the idea of getting back into the dating pool myself now that my divorce is final and my life has stabilized. But what I can say is that I’ve been following your thread for sometime now, and I think you are an amazing soul and you have a lot to offer someone. I think the fact that you haven’t found that someone is not because of who you are. I also don’t think it’s just in who you are attracting. I wonder if it’s got to be something like who you are picking or how you are proceeding when you meet someone you like that might be setting you up for the same frustrating result?

The dating process described in some of the episodes I listened to is a totally different process then I did when I was dating the last time. I saw many interesting ideas on how to really see what someone is like over time, and how to identify red flags, and what to actually go after to find someone that is what you are looking for. And how to make them ‘earn’ you. Being an analytical person, I see how the effect of changing one or two things can really have a big impact in the scheme of things. Like the butterfly effect. I think we all have the tendency to keep doing what we do without really thinking about it because it’s hard for us to see it that way. Even when we think we may be doing something differently, in reality, we really are not. It usually takes someone else to point out a different way (and to hold us accountable), and it takes even more energy to resist the urge to fall back into our current ways of doing things. But sometimes, it’s the leaps or the shifts that really lead to impressive change.

Anyway, maybe give some of them a listen and let me know what you think of what they suggest. Again, you have a lot to offer someone. You are caring, smart, independent, funny, loving and loyal. I know there is someone out there that would love to earn your love and trust!

((Hugs))

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
AP for at least 6 mos prior and still ongoing...



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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Which bring me to his comment that he is loving life. I absolutely believe he is. I read from many posters how they speculate their exes aren’t happy, must be miserable, will regret and analyze everything . Guess what. Mine is very happy and has it made . A wife who lets him do whatever he wants . Takes 4 vacations a year. Goes to concerts every weekend. Gets to be dad maybe 2-3 times a week. Has an incredible ex wife who is raising his daughter quite well and hasn’t made his life miserable. Oh, and he has a job where he can retire at 55 ( thanks to my dad and his wife).
He is absolutely happy. And I am not going to try to speculate how he could not be. Because he is. T

Who knows ? Maybe I am the exception to the rule. Mine married the AP. He’s stayed together with her. He really is happier. And here I am , not the one who went on to find a wonderful man, grow my family, etc. i must look like a total loser to him. Yet, here he is quite happy.

Go figure .



Are you fu($#@ing kidding me right now ???

Really ?

You have so much more than you allow yourself to believe...

Get outside of your bubble that you protect yourself in....

Life begins outside of your comfort zone...

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Our sexual chemistry is pretty intense. However, while he’s a great dude , we have have fun together , and did I mention sexual chemistry? The emotional closeness isn’t there .

This is odd. Typically a woman has to have a emotional connection to even want to have sex with a man.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I know it’s not going to go anywhere. So, I guess when we can hang out , we are just going to have fun when we can.

You know this after 2 dates?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Honestly, the longer I have gone being a single adult and mom, the harder and more clueless and confused I get about dating.
I don't think you are confused. You know what is right and what is wrong to sometimes choose to ignore.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Nothing feels right anymore . I feel like a real relationship just isn’t possible.
Guess what you are manifesting?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Tired. I am just feeling it lately. I spent the weekend grocery shopping, cooking, lawn mowing gardening, cleaning, power washing the house, running errands ….. it’s been so so so so incredibly long since I’ve known what help is.
I hear you. I have to take care of 2 places right now.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Like I said, as I get older, and so many years go by being so alone….. the farther away the concept of a partner seems.
People get set in there ways.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
My dad has Covid. He’s doing Ok though, pretty exhausted but he thinks he’s going back to the gym tomorrow . Crazy man.
Of course Sanat kicked Covids a$$!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
The ex is “alone” currently on the island of saint maarten. I couldn’t help myself , I texted him today . “ a solo vacay to st Maarten, huh?” He replied “yes, I am loving life!” I told him we are different kinds of broke . He said it was money he was saving from when he sold his motorcycle. Interesting way to use it right ?
Very interesting! Hmmmm.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Which bring me to his comment that he is loving life. I absolutely believe he is. I read from many posters how they speculate their exes aren’t happy, must be miserable, will regret and analyze everything . Guess what. Mine is very happy and has it made . A wife who lets him do whatever he wants . Takes 4 vacations a year. Goes to concerts every weekend.
So a wife that lets him cheat (allegedly) doesn't sound good to me. If he is so happy why is he allegedly cheating?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Gets to be dad maybe 2-3 times a week.
This sounds awful to me!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Has an incredible ex wife who is raising his daughter quite well and hasn’t made his life miserable.
Maybe it's time to make his life miserable by going back to court?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Oh, and he has a job where he can retire at 55 ( thanks to my dad and his wife).
55 is too young to retire IMO.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He is absolutely happy. And I am not going to try to speculate how he could not be. Because he is.
So a cheater who barely sees his daughter is happy because of a few concerts and vaacations?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Who knows ? Maybe I am the exception to the rule. Mine married the AP. He’s stayed together with her. He really is happier.
Maybe and maybe not.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
And here I am , not the one who went on to find a wonderful man, grow my family, etc. i must look like a total loser to him.
How do you define a wonderful man?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Yet, here he is quite happy.
Cheeseless tunnels!

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G....

You know this, and maybe one or two other people here...

You know what I have been going through...


My girlfriend of 13 years passed away last month. She had a long courageous battle with Cancer.

I have been struggling, trying to feel something, and remember who I was before we had met.

Trying to examine if I was broken, or just heartbroken.

Trying to find out if I am still the same person that I was all that time ago.


To those of you who knew her....

She was one of the strongest, fiercest, most passionate woman that I have ever stumbled across.

She was my inspiration daily, to do the best that I could...


G, you knew her, and she knew you ...

She loved you...



When I think about her, and her strength, I think about something that she did for herself to get there...

The 'how' in this may be irrelevant...maybe not.



Roles.....



K would tell me that she would feel life closing in on her at certain times. Her role as a Mother, as a Friend, as an Employee, as a Daughter, as a Sister, as a Lover, as a Partner.....

Through it all , she would often forget that underneath it all, she was a WOMAN...

All of that ^^^ Her drive, her persona, her sexuality, her tenacity, her passion, ALL of it came from her being a Woman....

So she would strip down (literally) and just spend time with her Womanhood. ( She would do these 24-48 hour challenges) Getting to know herself again. It was her recharge, her renewal, often times ? her salvation within herself...

The "how" was merely a symbolism, and a visual tool for the process...

Her "how" isn't for everyone...



I often wonder when I read you G, how much "roles" have kept you in the same place for a long time now.


How much do you recharge the Woman in you ?

How much do you allow the Daughter, Friend, Mother, Employee, Homeowner, EX-wife define who you are ?

How you define yourself as a Woman. without all of the masks that you wear on a daily basis ?








Just some random thoughts....

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{{{{{{Mach}}}}}}

my condolences Mach. Grief is ... eff the cliches. it's messy, it's like a sine wave ... gut-wrenching ... transforming.

i can only speak for myself, but the way i'm honoring my mom (lost her in Dec) and Dad (lost him 3 years ago) is by doing my best to live a life that not only is true to myself, but also would make them proud.

I think you're doing that, fwiw.

xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Sorry to hear, Mach. My condolences.

Ginger,
Happiness comes from within. Everyone has problems and I am sure your exH has his share of issues. If his marriage was that great, why is he off on a solo vacation and why is he enjoying it without his W?

Assuming he is not faking his happiness, he is happy because he chooses to be and sees the positives in his life. If you leave the being single part aside, you have so many positives that you can focus on and be generally happy.

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Originally Posted by Mach1
My girlfriend of 13 years passed away last month. She had a long courageous battle with Cancer.
Very sorry for your loss Mach.

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Originally Posted by Mach1
To those of you who knew her....

She was one of the strongest, fiercest, most passionate woman that I have ever stumbled across.

She was my inspiration daily, to do the best that I could...
YUP - Agreed

She challenged many of us and I guess you the most.

Even though I don't like man hugs.

((((((HUGS)))))))


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Ginger - my ex is a big f”in baby that thinks he’s still in college.

From the very beginning when I would go to sleep with my son next to me (now 11 but 4 at the time) I would say to myself “I would never ever want to trade places with my ex” even though he had it so much easier then me. I will take care for my son through the hard times over going to bars and concerts and vacations any day of the week (my ex has that lifestyle too)

Life and parenthood is not about taking the easy way out. Parenting a few days a week under optimal conditions is just babysitting really. They only have a superficial knowledge of love and what it means to be devoted to their own child. Same goes for life. People that have easy lives don’t have the same depth to them then those that have had some form of struggle. They end up not being very relateable or empathetic. Almost like from a soul level - your a phd grad and he’s still in kindergarten. You put in the work of life and he half Assed it. It’s easy to half ass things. We see those people at work all the time. I wouldn’t want to be one of them though - even though it’s easier.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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