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Traveler,
Originally Posted by Traveler
All you need to figure out now is whether she fits into YOUR life.
Fair enough. Thanks for the feedback.

Ginger1,
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I can certainly understand how dating with young kids is a daunting task when you look to integrating families . But someone doesn’t just come along and fit into you and your kids every day life. You date someone and you make your relationship about the 2 of you for Atleast the first 6 months. And then you slowly start doing things together. Likely the woman who comes along for you has you had young kids as well. She she isn’t just going to slide into your life. But she will likely understand and may even be going through the 3’s herself or has been there already and gets it. It’s a process to blend families for sure . But make it a long process because no one just becomes an insta family.
You say this, but consider the irony of our Exs! Certainly seems like they slid right into their perfect family life without any transition struggles. That's part of the frustration. Why are we the ones stuck trying to figure out the future?

Originally Posted by Ginger1
So don’t borrow trouble from the future yet. When you find someone you want to date, Just date them. And if it’s good and progresses, then you will grow into it.
Point taken, and you're right - why worry about the future problems which may never be issues.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Pulling the BL42 specific discussion in the Evolutionary Psychology and Dating thread over...

Originally Posted by kml
BL42 - sounds like you’ve got a lot going on , on paper. Maybe your OLD profile needs some editing? Sounds like your basic details would have passed my screening when I was OLD (except for age - too young - and kids - too young). So I’m wondering if there are things in your profile that need improvement?
Thanks kml. I like to think so, and agree a OLD profile revamp might be in order. I'm thinking of deleting my accounts and logging off for awhile and then starting renewed after a break.

Originally Posted by Traveler
BL42, you don't give off the bitter or misogynistic vibe some who struggle with dating do.
Traveler - Thanks, I agree I'm not bitter - just pointing out my sitch for the other thread.

Originally Posted by Traveler
I second a redo of your profile text or photos could do wonders and get you as many matches as I or OnlyBent or Spiral do. If you're not comfortable posting your dating info here, or showing a close female friend, there are services that specialize in writing or polishing dating profiles. Most people I know get as many matches offline as online, so if online just isn't your thing, that's okay too!
Traveler - I agree. I'll have to revamp and strategize on the OLD profile front.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
BL, if it helps my profile is very simple. 4 photos, one in a suit before a wedding, one in a pink blazer and pants with two friends, a short boomerang type video of me dancing at a house party (which gets LOTS of comments) and a photo of me in my footy gear at footy.

I have my interests as Gym, Basketball, Cooking, Wine and Whisky and that I'm 6'1....

My bio says 'I think I'm funny, smart, charming, a great listener and can cook...but I'll let you be the judge of all that' and have answered one of those pre-canned questions 'I guarantee that...I'll make you laugh'.

It may or may not help that I've been told by a lot of people that I have Daniel Craig vibes...
OB - Appreciate the tips. "Daniel Craig vibes" sounds ideal!!!

Originally Posted by LH19
BL to be honest I think you are in a tough spot due to your age and having young kids. A man on avg dates a woman 4 years younger so you are looking at 35 year olds. Woman at that age are looking to start their own family or do not want kids. There are not a ton of freshly divorced woman with young kids at 35. They typically wait for the kids to get older before they file for divorce. My guess is this is your problem which you can't control.
I think you're right LH. My age and the young kids aren't ideal for many women. As one example consider Ginger's guy she really likes but he has a 6yo and 3yo and not much time to devote outside of them, which isn't in line with where she is in life. And I'll be honest and say when I was single w/o kids I wasn't looking to have a relationship with a woman with children. So it's fair, and it is what it is. I accept that. And plan to give my kids plenty of focus with or without dating. But I do think despite the kids' age I'd be a great partner for many women out there. Career, finances, being a father and genuinely great guy with his "stuff" together. When the women do show up, they'll be impressed...or should be!

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by kml
Past a certain age it’s hard meeting single people of the opposite sex if you don’t work around a lot of members of the opposite sex.
Opportunity is a big part, I'm sure. My virtual IT Mgr role managing people all over the country provides great income/career but does not lend itself to networking locally / in-person like a hospital or school district would.
I have ZERO opportunity to meet available women in-person in my role. I make maybe a top 5% salary, especially for my area, with plenty of room for growth but don't have a "Dr" or "L" title that necessarily reflects that on OLD profiles. However, the big sticking point is lack of in-person / local networking. I need to figure out how to put myself in places to do that outside of work. Volunteering to coach S7's sports has led to me meeting a bunch of kids and parents, but mostly married in their nuclear families. Maybe a hobby / activity that's traditionally more female interest (yoga...whatever) than what I've been doing. Because I think opportunities and putting yourself in the right situations is a big part of it.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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BL, not sure if you ever answered this, but the question is, would you have any more kids? Or get married again?

The woman I am going on a 3rd date with tonight is 39, which to be honest is a bit older than I have been dating, I've been dating 32-35, but she looks young which helps. She has told me that she realises children aren't for her now and would be happy to slot into someone's life who did already have them. So they are out there.

On the other hand, my Persian friends with benefits is 38 and desperate for kids and has always had a not date anyone with kids policy. But at her age she is starting to realise how limiting this is and has recently met a guy she completely vibes with and is now thinking about changing that policy. I had to give her a big kick up the backside to continue things with him because at this age, perfect just does not exist.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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OnlyBent,
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
BL, not sure if you ever answered this, but the question is, would you have any more kids? Or get married again?
I love kids and being a father. Before BD while married in a nuclear family I definitely would've had a third, but knew now-ExW wasn't into more (at least she wasn't at the time, people's opinions sometimes change after the babies get a bit older). Post-BD I thought if I re-married I'd absolutely be open to more kids, but as time has passed since BD & D I find myself thinking more and more that I'm probably done. I have a wonderful son and a wonderful daughter, and love being their dad, and am content with that. At my age now and with my situation it may be best to keep it at that. But, if I found a fantastic woman who really wanted a child of her own maybe I would be open to it. Who can say - you never know what the future will bring - but more and more I'm thinking I'm probably done having kids and I'm fine with that.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Or get married again?
I'd consider getting married again if I found a woman I genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with. However, three things...First, I'd be completely content with finding an LTR without officially / legally "marrying", if the woman was accepting. Second, I'm going to be way more skeptical and more closely vet red flags. And third, now better understanding the marriage/divorce laws and impacts I'd want to protect myself financially. I'd section off pre-martial accounts and want a prenup to cover things like retirement funds and alimony IF the other person wanted out. That's what's gotten me a bit in all this. I know I'm loyal and willing to hold up my vows, but was naïve going into my marriage thinking both parties would do the same. I won't open myself up to splitting my retirement contributions again when there's no guarantee they'll honor their end of the "till death do us part" vow.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
she realises children aren't for her now and would be happy to slot into someone's life who did already have them. So they are out there.
Sounds like an ideal perspective for someone dating us.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I had to give her a big kick up the backside to continue things with him because at this age, perfect just does not exist.
You're encouraging your FWB to seriously date another man? Talk about detachment and DB'ing!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Dude - you’re 40 and you think a 39 year old woman is too old for you???

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Originally Posted by BL42
But, if I found a fantastic woman who really wanted a child of her own maybe I would be open to it. Who can say - you never know what the future will bring - but more and more I'm thinking I'm probably done having kids and I'm fine with that.

I can understand this. I thought I was a no to both until I met the Melbourne girl and then that became something I could see down the track, although I haven't felt that with others. I would love a daughter but understand that may not be in the cards for me.

Originally Posted by BL42
I know I'm loyal and willing to hold up my vows, but was naïve going into my marriage thinking both parties would do the same.

I hear ya mate. Don't lose those qualities though.

Originally Posted by BL42
You're encouraging your FWB to seriously date another man? Talk about detachment and DB'ing!

Absolutely, we have fun together and she's gorgeous but she ain't the girl for me. I'd love to see her happy.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by kml
Dude - you’re 40 and you think a 39 year old woman is too old for you???

I know right, and I thought 32-35 was pushing the upper limits


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

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You may remember I played in a Golf Sim league this past Winter with a friend also going through a separation/D, and we would discuss our experiences and commemorate a bit. He had a tough sitch where he moved out due to concerns of accusations and the judge ruled temporarily to "leave things as is until a hearing" meaning he had not gotten a whole lot of time with the kids even though he is the stable/reasonable party and his lawyer expected him to win primary custody based her actions. Anyway, it's been awhile since we caught up with the league season having ended so I reached out this week and he texted me back saying...he and his W have reconciled!!! I absolutely did not see that one coming. Told him I was surprised to hear it but also glad because if they can work it out it's best for the kids (he has two young children similar ages to mine). Him and his W had Ls negotiating and court dates set and everything and now they're reconciled. Not sure what the future holds there...my guess is they have a good bit of tough work to do if they're going to make it and avoid BD2, but a potentially good story in the present anyway.

Also I've exchanged some texts and had an extended late night conversation with one of my long time friends who's having major difficulty in his marriage. I've known him since HS and his W for 20 years. She's having an EA with an old friend/flame from her hometown. Shady calls & texts...all the cliche red flags. He's relieved that live far away and that it hasn't gotten to PA and also she's ramped up their sex life at home with him...but I warned him based on stories here. Ironically, this is the couple I went away with on a Winter trip with my son soon after BD (which my now-ExW had actually booked for all of us a month or two prior and I was scared to go on because of what was happening), and he and his W especially were SUPER supportive of me and absolutely appalled at my then-W's actions, reaching out to see how I was doing regularly...and now she's in an EA. I'm trying to give him a bit of coaching about strength and respect and not taking comfort in the EA vs. PA. They're off on a family vacation together now with the kids so he says "it's going as well as can be expected", but the vacation is to her hometown so hopefully she' not planning to have him babysit and split out to meet up with this guy. But am definitely concerned for him about where it might be heading. He's a good man and a good father and I don't want to see his family blown up and him go through what we've all experienced.

Anyway, the knowledge that these two cases exist it makes me wonder what else might be going on in the homes of close friends I simply know nothing about but could be starting to boil over...


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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BL,

the truth is shocking and it is true we just never know what is going on behind closed doors. And it goes to show, that the statistics, how ever terrifying they might be, are right. Sadly...

I do try to offer my advice to people in this situation, esp. having gone through the same thing myself. Very rarely is my advice accepted, but very often I get a "You were totally right, I so wish I heeded your advice."

I am not upset about people not taking my advice, sometimes lessons learned are best if experienced by oneself.

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Originally Posted by BL42
I'm trying to give him a bit of coaching about strength and respect and not taking comfort in the EA vs. PA.
What is your advice? How is he accepting it?

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