Oh yeah - they definitely do. It's like the moment you start to move away, they are all up in it.
I had a (literally) crazy exBF. About 9 months after he and our relationship broke up, I went to visit a guy I had dated a bit before. (Using "dated" loosely, he was a Love Avoidant who told me up front he "didn't DO relationships" so it was more of an occasional weekend booty call with interesting intellectual conversation on the side.)
Anyway, I went to visit this guy friend, who lived about 90 miles away in an adjacent city. And my crazy ex was blowing up my phone almost the whole time I was there. Happened the next time I went too. He could not possibly have known where I was, and my car wasn't visible in the underground parking garage, plus it's all part of the extended LA basin, not like he would have seen me coming or going. And no, he didn't install a tracker on my phone or car. Just sheer instinct.
However in my state you need to pay alimony indefinitely after 10 years of marriage
Indefinitely? Yikes! Definitely don't get caught in that trap.
Originally Posted by Newborn
No bl in regards to do I believe it, maybe not. My self esteem is trashed right now.
It's natural to feel down and a lower self-esteem in these situations. Keep working on yourself and it'll rebound.
Originally Posted by Newborn
I felt awesome yesterday, sent in divorce paperwork, felt like I'm moving on per all y'all recommendations
You sound stronger than most Newbies. I get the sense you're farther along in the process than you realize.
Originally Posted by Newborn
the ex calls me to talk about a concert he went to (we went to same band few years back) and a crazy story about the house. I ended conversation first but he wanted to chat for over 40 minutes. Laughed and talked like old times. It's like the was has a sixth sense!
Good you ended the conversation, but how about letting it go to voicemail next time? Or better yet, the voicemail kicks in because you're off having fun or doing something productive and don't even notice he's calling.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
That phone conversation was 40 minutes of cake-eating on his part. Practice cutting conversations short by saying “sorry, can’t talk longer, I’ve got a friend coming over”.
You sound stronger than most Newbies. I get the sense you're farther along in the process than you realize.
That's kind of you to say. Tbh I signed up for the site when the hurricane began (I read DB after BD#2, but read the forums extensively during BD#1) but it kept saying I needed to email verify my account but I kept never getting an email, so I just read others' stories. It felt miraculous I was able to get onto this site now.
I found reading these forums were so helpful. First in a desperate effort to save my marriage (did all the normal stuff after BD#1, pursuing, pleading, etc) and then ultimately in an effort to save myself and grow for the next person.
I know I've made a ton of mistakes and I own up to that. I didn't prioritize him or the relationship, and got pretty depressed and withdrew. I also acknowledge that he made mistakes as well now whereas at the beginning I blamed myself fully.
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Good you ended the conversation, but how about letting it go to voicemail next time? Or better yet, the voicemail kicks in because you're off having fun or doing something productive and don't even notice he's calling.
He doesn't usually call, he texted asking me to call him. He doesn't usually talk on the phone much.
KML, I think you're right about cakeeating. Everyone keeps saying that. That and him coming over to spend time with me/baby as well. Good idea ending early to say something else to do.
UGH! So creepy! Sounds super toxic guy - glad you escaped all that.
Not quite as terrible as it sounds - he had dysphoric mania. The first couple years we were together he was in a “good patch” so I never knew. He had been treated through his adult life for addiction and looked like a guy working his 12 step program. But he had never been properly diagnosed - as it turned out, he would have episodes of dysphoric mania and use drugs as a way to self-harm. Once the manic episode subsided, in a week or two, the drug use would abruptly stop too. The minute the mania switched off, even if he was still high on drugs, he would return to rational thought about how to pick up the pieces and deal with the fallout.
Unfortunately, by the time the diagnosis became clear, he’d ruined the relationship with other deceitful behaviors (he had a side chick I knew nothing about). He’s had a hard time finding meds that control it although he’s in a good stretch now with seroquel, lithium and therapy. I’ve made it clear we are never getting back together - and moved on to a 3 1/2 year relationship that ended with my partners lung cancer death. But crazy ExBF still loves me and tries to contact me. I have to be very “gray rock” with him. He was however always kind to me.
He did have some weird intuition. I remember once, early on, he guessed something about my exH that I have no idea how he could possibly have guessed, something intimate and private that I’d never shared with another soul. So I think he just had some strong intuition that I was spending the weekend with someone else. Seems eerily common here.
Well, this week was interesting! STBX caught COVID at a concert - the one that he called to tell me about. It was after I had seen him, so the baby and I are fine. We're going to bring him some food and wave from afar. I'm sure I should be LRTing but I'm feeling more detached and like I'm just doing this for a friend. I don't know if he's dating anyone and I don't care to know. It's gotten to the point where I feel like if he did date a woman I'd feel worried for her I guess? Like in 10 yrs or less he'd have some other upheaval of his personality? Who knows. Not my circus, not my monkeys as they say.
As an aside, back in the wintertime a good friend of mine moved away. After BD#2 he would skip work so we could hang out (we are both MDs) and when he came over for the holidays to meet my parents he was saying to them how wonderful I was and how I don't know my worth as an MD and he's honestly amazing. He had just been broken up with by his girlfriend who didn't want to move away with him. Her loss, because he's genuinely one of the most amazing people I've ever met.
Even though he moved away we talk regularly (we are in a very small field of medicine that most don't understand), he just went on a date with someone and I was kind of bummed to hear that, as silly as it is. I keep telling myself it's best to stay friends and I'm probably not ready to really date someone else yet and it wouldn't be fair to him, but it is bringing up some weird feelings. At the end of the day our friendship is so special I wouldn't want it marred by trying to be more than that. I'm also a mom of a young baby so maybe will hold off on dating until my body's a little less of a leaking postpartum pile and more of the body I know.
Anyway, GAL'ing this weekend with some friends for a games party and bringing the baby, and going on a coffee date with a friend Sunday!
Thanks to everyone thus far for the inspiring and kind words.
We're going to bring him some food and wave from afar. I'm sure I should be LRTing but I'm feeling more detached and like I'm just doing this for a friend.
Let him use Grubhub and Instacart.
Originally Posted by Newborn
I'm probably not ready to really date someone else yet
This is likely true.
Originally Posted by Newborn
but it is bringing up some weird feelings.
Originally Posted by Newborn
he just went on a date with someone and I was kind of bummed to hear that, as silly as it is
It's natural to want to connect to someone. You're feeling maybe a bit of rejection or loneliness and see him or maybe others as a possibly and have hope those options stay open.
Originally Posted by Newborn
Anyway, GAL'ing this weekend with some friends for a games party and bringing the baby, and going on a coffee date with a friend Sunday!
Awesome! Hope you had fun.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Newborn, are you familiar with the Last Resort Technique? May want to start employing that. Let those calls go to VM. If is important he'll follow up with a text.
Thanks for responding. Yes, I've tried LRT light basically since I've moved away. I don't really text him for most things, go out with friends and to be honest I do try to have a pretty active social life, as well as leadership and work stuff. But I do text back typically within a few hours, answer my phone, required him to come by to babysit, and hung out with extended family and him. Only thing I've invited him to was a father's Day coffee and pastries near my house - he had sent a big beautiful bouquet for mother's day and wanted him not to feel slighted.
But you're right - I should pull back even more.
Most WSs, and I think your STBXH fits into that category, tend to want their cake and eat it too. That means they want to live the life of a single person, and then come around and play family with their EX and the kids when it suits them. My W tried to arrange the same post-D situation, and it really burst her bubble when I told her that wasn't going to happen. That we weren't going to be friends, and play family after D. That we would have a custody agreement in place, and that our D would experience separate events with each of us (IE, I'd celebrate her birthday with her and she'd celebrate her birthday with her separately.)
I am not saying the coffee & pastries was wrong for Father's Day, but I would consider not doing that moving forward. I know the baby is a newborn, but next year they'll be 1. So I would expect a custody agreement to be in place by then, and that Father's Day weekend would be his weekend. No matter what magnanimous act he may or may not engage in for Mother's Day.
The more available you are to him the more cake he will eat.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You're not wrong. He is pretty obviously cake eating. My friends have said the exact same thing. Do you know why it happens? It's so common! You'd think they'd just want to disappear into the sunset if we're really so horrible!
Y'all are right, I'm probably not super ready to date yet, but I did realize how much I don't miss ex today so I did reopen my dating app and saw a couple guys sent likes. Sharing here and having you all kindly build up my self esteem at least made me feel less nauseous about checking it out though. I was finally kind of having fun instead of grossed out and anxious. Chatted with one guy who had visited the country I did my study abroad in.
True to form after that guy messaged me the ex sent a bunch of pictures over of the dog he's watching. It's like they know, which I know y'all have said before and I had noticed it too, but jeez?
