I'm a longtime lurker, finally posting for the first time. We've been married 9 yrs, together 14. My STBXH dropped the bomb in 2019 after being increasingly cold toward me for about 6 months and was going out with people about a decade younger than him. This was preceded by years of extremely difficult schedules due to medical career (career hours that were temporary, but unfortunately a total of 6 yrs of stress and limited time outside of work).
He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married, that he was constantly disappointed with how much I was working and felt like I hadn't been emotionally available and then I found some texts from him to a woman 10 yrs younger that played sports with him. He was searching for apartments to move into by himself and seemed to be having an EA with, after I confronted him multiple times about it he finally admitted he was interested in her and he wasn't sure if she returned his feelings. Well it turned out she wasn't interested in him, but was dating his friend.
I started my DB'ing journey - I found a ton of guidance with the vets here and did my best to GAL, stop putting pressure, becoming the type of person you'd want to be with. I tried to undo the damage - feeling I hadn't respected him enough nor his career (our marriage took a hit when he almost was arrested and I had to pay for his rent, lawyer fees, etc), tried to show him how much I really cared about him, gave him all the freedom he wanted to hang out with friends and would cheer him on at his work's sports games.
He started IC, refused MC as he wanted to "work on himself", then finally agreed to do MC as well. Then pandemic happened and we spent a lot more time together, seemed like things were going better/partial R, but he never had remorse for his one sided EA. He finally invited me out with his friends, we would do trips and sports teams together.
He also struggled to fully commit, and we had talked about starting a family within the next 1-2 yrs, but he couldn't commit to a true time frame which was tough because I had a limited time to be able to have children due to a prior surgery. His reasons were he didn't feel ready, he was worried I would work too much.
Eventually despite birth control I became pregnant - he wanted me to terminate, I said I couldn't do that, and he was very resentful. He had me hide the pregnancy until he felt "ready" so I hid it for 5 months, at that time it was definitely going to impact my career, so STBXH told me he was going to leave after helping for 1-2 mos post birth.
He seemed to turn around after the baby because he really bonded with him, and stopped talking about leaving (I heard him admit to his friends that at first "he was not having it" but was so happy now, he told me that he was going to leave before "but things are different now") but at the 2 month mark he met a yoga instructor at his studio and he started leaving for 8-12 hrs at a time. He wouldn't answer when I asked what she was to him. Eventually it culminated in him coming back super late, I was upset about it, and he said he no longer wanted to do this anymore, he was leaving as he didn't want to be restricted in going hiking/climbing/to the gym and he was starting to resent the baby. He wanted a divorce.
I was cleaning the den and found a picture he put on display of him and this other woman; apparently this was the woman he was going hiking with. He admitted to having feelings for her after I confronted him again. I told him he needs to get over his MLC and he accused me of "only being capable of black and white thinking".
At this point I felt like the home we shared was tainted so moved to a really cute smaller home with the baby in a fun part of town where we can go on walks. STBX comes by every 1-2 wks or so, usually when I ask him to so I can do a work/social event and have a break. He doesn't reach out much otherwise. I've filed for divorce; he's completed paperwork and he's not trying to go after me financially, we came up with a pretty fair agreement that leaves our assets intact.
I'm struggling to move on, wondering if I should even still try (we do have fun together as a family and when I hang out with his family nearby). His sister came in town a few weeks ago and all of us hung out and it was a really nice time. His family has voiced their support, but I know at the end of the day STBX is their son/family member.
Thanks for reading. My friends/family obviously want me to move on.
Me: 36 Him: 35 T 14 M 9 S 6 mos BD #1 5/2019 EA #1 BD #2 11/2021 BD #3 3/2022 EA #2
I guess I want the input of others here. Has anyone had a similar situation that turned out well? Is it too broken at this point?
When I spend enough time away from him I'm ready to move on fully. Then I see him again and hope this will work out?
He's super into astrology and yoga and social media now - he seems like classic MLC and he isn't overall a bad guy, but has said some pretty cruel stuff and doesn't see it that way. He sees it as this mystical journey he's on, and diminished me in his mind so I'm not nearly as deep/interesting as his 20 something friends.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you're in this situation - it must be especially difficult with a 6 month old - but glad you decide to post. Hope we can help you through this time in your life.
Originally Posted by Newborn
This was preceded by years of extremely difficult schedules due to medical career (career hours that were temporary, but unfortunately a total of 6 yrs of stress and limited time outside of work).
Maybe it's through the biased lens of my own situation, but the medical field seems to cause a lot of issues with marriages.
Originally Posted by Newborn
I started my DB'ing journey - I found a ton of guidance with the vets here and did my best to GAL, stop putting pressure, becoming the type of person you'd want to be with.
That's great. Sounds like you already have a good knowledge of the material.
Originally Posted by Newborn
I tried to undo the damage - feeling I hadn't respected him enough nor his career
What are your careers?
Originally Posted by Newborn
our marriage took a hit when he almost was arrested and I had to pay for his rent, lawyer fees, etc
What was he arrested for?
Originally Posted by Newborn
He also struggled to fully commit, and we had talked about starting a family within the next 1-2 yrs, but he couldn't commit to a true time frame which was tough because I had a limited time to be able to have children due to a prior surgery.
Did you feel pressure to have kids? Did you pressure him?
Originally Posted by Newborn
His reasons were he didn't feel ready, he was worried I would work too much.
You mentioned your career earlier. Do you feel you work too much?
Originally Posted by Newborn
Eventually despite birth control I became pregnant - he wanted me to terminate, I said I couldn't do that, and he was very resentful.
Asking to terminate a pregnancy is a major decision. How did you feel about that?
Originally Posted by Newborn
He had me hide the pregnancy until he felt "ready" so I hid it for 5 months, at that time it was definitely going to impact my career, so STBXH told me he was going to leave after helping for 1-2 mos post birth.
Having to "hide" a pregnancy because of your partner is also a major deal. Usually people are excited to announce.
Originally Posted by Newborn
STBX comes by every 1-2 wks or so, usually when I ask him to so I can do a work/social event and have a break. He doesn't reach out much otherwise.
He only sees the baby once every week or two?
Originally Posted by Newborn
I've filed for divorce; he's completed paperwork and he's not trying to go after me financially, we came up with a pretty fair agreement that leaves our assets intact.
So are you the higher income earner with more assets? Based on this and other comments...are you a doctor and he's not?
Did you talk to an L? Sounds like he potentially won't fight you on custody. Do you know what you want there?
Originally Posted by Newborn
My friends/family obviously want me to move on.
Don't listen to your friends and family. They have good intentions, but want you not to hurt in the moment. You need to make up your own mind.
Originally Posted by Newborn
I guess I want the input of others here. Has anyone had a similar situation that turned out well? Is it too broken at this point?
There are a few people on here with very young children for BD/D. My daughter was 1. Ginger1's daughter was 6 months. Another newbie was just recently having the baby last time we heard. Hopefully others will reach out and help.
Originally Posted by Newborn
When I spend enough time away from him I'm ready to move on fully. Then I see him again and hope this will work out?
It sounds like you've done plenty of reading and know what you should be doing. GAL, focus on yourself, make a great life...and see what he decides.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Newborn, welcome the board and sorry you are going through this.
I have a question. But I tend to be very direct, and my direct approach isn't for everyone. So I will qualify this question by saying that if you do not like the question then you do not have to answer it. If the question upsets you, feel free to let me know and I will be glad to refrain from commenting further.
So here is the question: Did you get pregnant in an effort to get him to straighten up and stay?
I think this is an important question because it speaks to how well you understand DBing and the the things you should or should not be doing. For instance, you were fed up and moved out, but then you also express struggling to move on. This man has been pretty clear about what he does and doesn't want, and that seems to be untenable to you, but yet you still seem unwilling to just move forward with your life and let him decide what he wants. I know feelings get in the way of clarity at times, and I am not a woman, but if a man I was married to pressured me to abort our child, personally for me that is a bridge too far. You are young, you have a lot of life ahead of you, there is no reason to wait around for a guy that is so obviously flaking. I mean astrology? REALLY? How anyone puts any stock into something like that is so far beyond me that I cannot even fathom it!
So one last question: at this point what are struggling to move on from? A guy that has feelings for someone else? A guy that tried to control you throughout your pregnancy? A guy that is so desperate to find meaning in life that he is grasping at straws (which is literally what astrology is!).
You've done the heavy-lifting here, so what is the last thing or things that isare preventing you from moving forward?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I too would like to hear the answers to some of the questions above.
And I'm going to tell you something that may not make total sense - at this point, the best chance for your relationship is if you move on with your life. IF he has the capacity to recognize his failure, get the counseling he needs to not become a repeater, and beg your forgiveness - you can make a decision at that time about whether you want him back. But that is less likely to happen if you are waiting around for him as Plan B. It's actually more likely to happen if he THINKS he might lose you. (Note - I'm not suggesting you actually date at this point, but letting him THINK you might be dating doesn't hurt. You can stage some things at the house for when he comes over - roses in a vase - when he asks, they're "from a friend, you don't know them". Sexy lingerie drying in the bathroom. )
All that being said - think carefully about whether you even want him back. If he'll do this now, at this point in the relationship, what use will he be when things get truly difficult? Is he someone you could count on when, say, your child develops an eating disorder or a drug addiction ? (Both things that happened with my kids). Would he just cheat again in the future, hurting your child even more?
I know feelings get in the way of clarity at times, and I am not a woman, but if a man I was married to pressured me to abort our child, personally for me that is a bridge too far.
I agree w/Steve here. To me this is an extremely important aspect to reflect on. This isn't a teenage romance or one night stand. You've been married 9 years together 14 and he asked you to terminate your pregnancy. I'm not judging or saying what you should do, but it is something you should think long and hard about before deciding how to proceed.
Originally Posted by kml
And I'm going to tell you something that may not make total sense - at this point, the best chance for your relationship is if you move on with your life. IF he has the capacity to recognize his failure, get the counseling he needs to not become a repeater, and beg your forgiveness - you can make a decision at that time about whether you want him back. But that is less likely to happen if you are waiting around for him as Plan B. It's actually more likely to happen if he THINKS he might lose you.
I agree w/kml here. You should focus on improving yourself and making your life great and being the best mother you can be. IF he then decides to recognize that you can choose what to do about it. But it's more likely to happen if you genuinely move on than if he thinks you're on the hook.
Originally Posted by kml
(Note - I'm not suggesting you actually date at this point, but letting him THINK you might be dating doesn't hurt. You can stage some things at the house for when he comes over - roses in a vase - when he asks, they're "from a friend, you don't know them". Sexy lingerie drying in the bathroom. )
kml - I was with you above, and agree this might make him jealous or cause him pause, but isn't it also a bit fake and deceptive? Isn't DB'ing more about focusing on yourself than disingenuous actions to cause a reaction?
Originally Posted by Newborn
At this point I felt like the home we shared was tainted so moved to a really cute smaller home with the baby in a fun part of town where we can go on walks. STBX comes by every 1-2 wks or so, usually when I ask him to so I can do a work/social event and have a break. He doesn't reach out much otherwise. I've filed for divorce; he's completed paperwork and he's not trying to go after me financially, we came up with a pretty fair agreement that leaves our assets intact.
Newborn I don't know the details of your custody or financials, but the way you allude to things I do wonder - if he's not engaged much with the baby and has agreed to "not go after you financially" - if it might make sense to finalize the divorce ASAP to lock in the best possible custody and financial agreement possible. My L counseled the best deals using come up front and the longer it takes the more likely it is to get contentious and worsen the deal. Not saying D is the best outcome, but if you can lock in favorable terms through the legal system, it also does not in any way prevent you two from reconciling in the future. It might be better to get primary custody and the best asset division and support obligation you can get up front before he wises up and decides to fight you on it. This isn't a forum which promotes divorce, but think of it separating out the legal agreement from the relationship status if that makes sense, because the way you talk about it makes it sound like he could potentially get a better deal for himself (and worse deal for you) than is on the table at the moment. You may find him a whole lot more difficult to negotiate with in 6 months or a year. Just a thought.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all of the time you've spent reading and replying. I'm at work and can't seem to figure out a good editor to work on my phone, so I'll try to write the answers out. For what is worth I agree with almost all of the responses here.
1) I am a physician yes. I make 3x what the ex does. I can't imagine what people with no income who are going through this must feel like... I'm sorry for anyone else dealing with this.
2) pregnancy: was not a trick or way to get him to straighten out. Birth control genuinely failed - wasn't the best time for me socially so was a little stressful. But he is still mad I "took away his choice"and he resents me for it. Then he will say he doesn't begrudge me. (I don't think he can see himself in a bad light.) I did put pressure on him because of medical reasons - not to say yes necessarily but to make a choice as he kept saying he would be ready in a year or two but then he may never be ready. I almost left him before because I couldn't handle this going back and forth.
3) work hours: was completely not in my control for years, now I'm out of training and have much more time. I did cut down fully in moonlighting etc from before that took my time away. I do blame myself for working so many extra hours. I cut down immediately after he had asked me to though. Damage was already done.
4) arrest: stbx got too drunk and stole a sign, a cop witnessed it. I was able to get the lawyer to argue from misdemeanor to a lesser charge. Fwiw His mom is an alcoholic who was abusive to him growing up.
5) custody: he's fine with me having full custody. Is not trying to go for alimony. Agree I am trying to lock on divorce ASAP to protect myself and my son. Putting all emotions away for this.
6)Steve you're like the voice inside my head screaming. Urrgh. I don't know why I'm still doing this sometimes. Guess I still love him? Feel like I was the one who ruined it so I can fix it? Don't want a broken family?
7) astrology/mlc: our mutual friends even before they know what was going on was thinking he turned kinda weird. He posts all this yoga stuff he does on his Instagram.
8) visitation: he will see the baby every 1-2 weeks usually at my request. So I can go to a gala, or need to go to hospital for call. He seems to genuinely love our son.
I don't know why I'm still doing this sometimes. Guess I still love him? Feel like I was the one who ruined it so I can fix it? Don't want a broken family....he will see the baby every 1-2 weeks usually at my request.
What works is counter-intuitive.
You have set of belief's and behaviors that you can reflect on and make changes if you decided to. If you change the way you interact with the baby's father, then the relationship changes.
You can reinvent yourself now and anytime in the future if you want to.
One thing that has worked for many is to "Drop the rope" . IE don't attempt to control him or the outcome. "Stockdale paradox"
“You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end —which you can never afford to lose —with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” ~ James Stockdale
