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#2934677 06/07/22 05:03 PM
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Hi. I am not married, but in a long-term relationship. I have read The Divorce Remedy several times, and I guess I am going under the assumption that these techniques can be applied if we are not married as well. AM I right?

I am going to share what is happening in my situation because I am terrified and also am not sure how to do this 180. I know our relationship is in a place where I definitely need to use the Last Resort Technique, as he has told me that he is DONE, this will NEVER BE NOT OVER, and he WANTS ME GONE.

This is after me doing all of those awful terrible things... the begging, pleading, crying, stalking, etc.

Let me explain the turmoil in our relationship first, and please, if you have any advice that would be so wonderful.

We have been together for four years. Maybe that doesn't seem like a long time to some, but I am very much in love with him, and I want to save this relationship. This is a man I met 25 years ago, on my 21st birthday. We dated briefly then, but I was young, and he had things going on in his life - it was never serious, and we remained friends all these years. About 4 years ago, we decided we wanted to be together.

About 1 year into our relationship, I realized that he was acting very different, I knew in my heart something wasn't right. He was taking his phone into the bathroom with him, always putting it face down, on silent, in his pocket, etc. He stopped texting me while he was at work, and soon just pretty much stopped talking to me all together. Mind you, we lived together. We had moved out of state - 2000 miles away from everyone we know. So we really only had each other. When I clearly would see him intentionally hiding something on his phone, I would ask him questions. I was told it was "none of my business". I began to snoop. I am not proud of this, but he would not talk to me and became very angry all of the time, and I did what I did. I discovered I was right, he was having an EA. With a woman he knew from back home. Of course, I lost it. When I confronted him, he denied it - but I obtained proof - and all I will say is that the evening did not go well at all. He ended up telling me to leave, etc it was a horrible fight. He has been having this EA with her for 9 months. 9 months out of the 1 year that we had been together! I was devastated. When I started packing, he suddenly switched gears, he was so sorry, he loved me, he didn't know why he was doing that, he ended it, etc. It was very hard for me to trust in that, but he seemed sincere. We talked about it, a LOT. He even told me I could look at his phone any time I wanted to, no questions asked. I decided not to - and I never did. I did notice they were no longer friends on social media, and he had gotten rid of the app he was using to talk to her.

Fast forward a few years later. Things are getting weird again. We have had quite a few big fights, but I also feel that in almost 4 years people just don't know each other well enough yet, ya know? I've learned t let a lot of things go, so has he. However, recently, I'd say for about 5 months now, he has again become very secretive with his phone. Always turning it away from me, checking messages that had no notification sound, taking it to the bathroom, etc. I once again asked if something was up. He got angry and asked why in the hell I would ask that. I explained the behavior with his phone was bothering me, and I was told "It's none of your business!" Just that very phrase was a huge trigger for me. I don't feel there is any reason for anything in his life to be none of my business. I have never said that to him, ever. No matter how I tried to tell him that it was bothering me, he has just got angrier and angrier. I am not allowed to ask questions ever. SO sadly, I resorted back to snooping again. I have not been in his phone, he keeps that pretty locked down and never available. But I have done other things. I am not proud of this, and it's not who I truly am or who I want to be, but he has become aware that I have been snooping around and now he is accusing me of tracking him, being a stalker, being a whack job, etc. To be fair, I have not found anything. I do not know if there is truly something going on or not. However, I can't shake the feeling, and he has now told me that he wants me gone. He refuses to talk to me, he is sleeping in another room, we have no contact or communication at all, and I am tired.

For many reasons, I still love him. I do not want to lose him, but I feel that I have, and I feel that my behavior has caused that. Everytime we DID try to talk about things he would say all I ever did was blame everything on him. Which yeah, I suppose I did, because it was always "I'm doing this because you're doing that" (seems so petty and childish ugh).

So here I am. I want to fix this. After reading Michele's book for the seemingly hundredth time I am sure that the last resort is all I've got. Though, I have no idea how to do this!

I have become severely depressed, insecure, I have no energy, I cry all of the time, I am basically just kind of worthless at the moment. I don't know how to act around him, because he acts like he is happy that we are not talking, and it hurts me and terrifies me more...

I really could use some advice here???

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Also - one of the questions I have when doing this last resort technique - I know it says that if he comes around and asks me to do things with him, I should accept some invitations but not all..

Well, what about me inviting him to do things? Should I ever invite him along with me or what should I be doing? I don't know how to act!

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Insecure,

Before I give any advice I would like to ask you one question. Why do you love him?

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That's a tough question.

As I said earlier, I have known this man for 25 years. I have always had this place for him in my heart - we always talked over the years. I confided everything in him. He did the same with me. He was always with someone, or I was, and 4 years ago it happened that neither of us were with someone.

I think we have both always wanted that, but things just never lined up.

I feel comfortable with him, he makes me laugh. He is strong and independent, has all of the qualities I prefer a man to have - just real manly.

Extremely attracted to him.

He has always been a part of my life and now he's a huge part of my life. He has done things for me that no one ever has.

Wow - I am not real sure if these are the right reasons....

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Originally Posted by Insecure
That's a tough question.
hmmm.
Originally Posted by Insecure
As I said earlier, I have known this man for 25 years. I have always had this place for him in my heart - we always talked over the years. I confided everything in him. He did the same with me. He was always with someone, or I was, and 4 years ago it happened that neither of us were with someone.
You have history.
Originally Posted by Insecure
I think we have both always wanted that, but things just never lined up.
Until 4 years ago and it sounds like he was faithful for a year.
Originally Posted by Insecure
I feel comfortable with him, he makes me laugh. He is strong and independent, has all of the qualities I prefer a man to have - just real manly.
All very attractive traits to a female.
Originally Posted by Insecure
Extremely attracted to him.
Sounds like it.
Originally Posted by Insecure
He has always been a part of my life and now he's a huge part of my life. He has done things for me that no one ever has.
So I have one question. Are you willing to share him with another woman?
Originally Posted by Insecure
Wow - I am not real sure if these are the right reasons....
Sounds more like you are in love with the fantasy of what he could be than what he really is right now?

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No, I am not willing to share him with another woman....

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Welcome Insecure. First of all, you are showing all of the classic symptoms of pretty severe depression. I highly suggest making a DR appointment and discussing your current symptoms. Medication (I do not say this lightly because I am pretty anti-drug) may be necessary temporarily to get you through this.

Second, yes the LRT can work in your situation. Notice my wording...IT CAN WORK. It doesn't meant it WILL work. The problem in these kinds of things is that the power is all in the WAS's (I know you aren't married but will use that term for conciseness) hands. It is obvious you want to stay together. He may or may not decide to stay together. So you see he has the power here. But yes, LRT can work. Now I can tell you what LRT can really do for you.......it can make you stop the bad behavior that has no chance of working. (and in fact will push him away even faster.) The beauty of the LRT is it shows the WAS what they are losing. And sometimes....SOMETIMES that will make them question if that is really what they want.

In LRT you NEVER initiate contact. You never invite him to do things. LRT at its root level is moving forward with your life without him in it. If he comes around, contacts you, etc, you should be so busy out GAL, that most of the time you won't have time to accept his invitation. "I am busy and can't go to X with you. Maybe next time." Stuff like that.

Insecure, I get the impression that you want to use LRT to get him to reach out to you? Maybe I am wrong, but that is something that I am detecting. That is not the goal of LRT! In fact, most of the time if he reaches out during LRT you shouldn't even respond. The rules of engagement are very strict in LRT. You never initiate contact. If he does, you let phone calls go to voicemail. If he texts you only respond to direct questions. And even then you respond in your own time (not right away, I would suggest turning off notifications for his text messages), and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

If he comes around, you hopefully aren't always home because you are out GAL. If you are, you are still busy. "Oh hi, I was getting ready to step out. What's up?" Read up on being present and listening, but not being a over sharer and not being too chatty. And then be the one that is busy and needs to end the contact. "I have to run, I have somewhere I need to be."

A bit of different advice to you since you aren't married. Normally I tell married LBSs to not start dating. However, you aren't married. He is saying it is over. There is nothing that would ethically or morally prevent you from dating. Think of Ross and Rachel, "We were on a break!" One word of caution though, there is a chance that dating would cause him to point at you as having "cheated", but that would be a lie based on his own words: "he is DONE, this will NEVER BE NOT OVER, and he WANTS ME GONE." That is pretty straight-forward.

One last thing. I would take him at his actions and words. His behavior with his phone is pretty clear indicator he is hiding something. I would even go so far as to say assume it is a fully blown physical affair, not just an EA. And he wants you and him to be over. Let all of that inform what you do from here on out, and the LRT seems like your best option.


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Insecure,

Sorry you're in this situation, but I'm glad that you posted - I saw you online last night and hoped you would. There are a lot of good people on this forum willing to give you their time, share their experiences, and provide advice. Hope it'll help you.

Originally Posted by Insecure
I am going under the assumption that these techniques can be applied if we are not married as well. AM I right?
Yes, absolutely. Much of the advice applies to any relationship.

Originally Posted by Insecure
I am going to share what is happening in my situation because I am terrified and also am not sure how to do this 180.
Often times when our fears come true we realize they're not as terrifying as we thought. I know you're terrified now - many of us were - but you WILL get through this, one way or another. Know that.

Originally Posted by Insecure
I know our relationship is in a place where I definitely need to use the Last Resort Technique, as he has told me that he is DONE, this will NEVER BE NOT OVER, and he WANTS ME GONE.
He's been very clear on how he feels and what he wants (at least right now). His feelings and wants may change in the future but for now he is done and wants space. It can be extremely hard, but the best thing you can do right now is give him exactly what he wants. Your first instinct is to cling on and don't let go as if you have a life preserver in the middle of the ocean, but give him what he wants. Start moving in the other direction. He won't feel free and safe until you let go.

Originally Posted by Insecure
This is after me doing all of those awful terrible things... the begging, pleading, crying, stalking, etc.
This is a very common reaction. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're certainly not the first, and won't be the last. You can't change how you acted before. All you can do is change your mindset & actions moving forward.

Originally Posted by Insecure
This is a man I met 25 years ago, on my 21st birthday. We dated briefly then, but I was young, and he had things going on in his life - it was never serious, and we remained friends all these years. About 4 years ago, we decided we wanted to be together.
So you're 46 and dated this man for 4 years. No kids, I assume? Can you share some background on your relationship history and his? Have either of you been married before? Either of you had LTRs before?

Originally Posted by Insecure
I knew in my heart something wasn't right.
Almost always here people's gut instincts are right.

Originally Posted by Insecure
He was taking his phone into the bathroom with him, always putting it face down, on silent, in his pocket, etc.
Changed/odd smartphone activity is maybe the #1 indicator of an affair.

Originally Posted by Insecure
He has been having this EA with her for 9 months. 9 months out of the 1 year that we had been together!
So this is a MAJOR red flag for him. You barely went 3 months dating before he started cheating. It sounds much more like it's just in his nature rather than a one-off. Even if you he does change his mind could you ever trust him again?

Originally Posted by Insecure
However, recently, I'd say for about 5 months now, he has again become very secretive with his phone. Always turning it away from me, checking messages that had no notification sound, taking it to the bathroom, etc.
He's almost certainly in another EA and perhaps PA.

Originally Posted by Insecure
I once again asked if something was up. He got angry and asked why in the hell I would ask that.
He's projecting his anger/guilt onto you.

Originally Posted by Insecure
SO sadly, I resorted back to snooping again. I have not been in his phone, he keeps that pretty locked down and never available. But I have done other things. I am not proud of this, and it's not who I truly am or who I want to be, but he has become aware that I have been snooping around and now he is accusing me of tracking him, being a stalker, being a whack job, etc. To be fair, I have not found anything.
Time to stop snooping. Focus on yourself.

Originally Posted by Insecure
I do not know if there is truly something going on or not.
Deep down in your heart you know.

Originally Posted by Insecure
I have become severely depressed, insecure, I have no energy, I cry all of the time, I am basically just kind of worthless at the moment.
It's impossibly hard sometimes when you're depressed - trust me, I know - but the best thing you can do is force yourself to get up off the couch/bed, and go do something. Go for walk at a park, join a gym, meet up with a friend for lunch, start taking a class, take a trip...etc. The best way to get energy, get out of depression is to get busy and keep your mind off him. The sooner you do that the better you'll feel and btw...the more attractive to him (and others) you'll be.

Originally Posted by Insecure
I don't know how to act around him, because he acts like he is happy that we are not talking, and it hurts me and terrifies me more...
Make yourself scarce so you're not around him much. When you do encounter him act happy (even if you're faking it for now) and mysterious. What would happen if he starts wondering why you're so content and happy?

Insecure - Hang in there. You'll get through this. Keep posting. Others will join in and comment and lend support.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Originally Posted by Insecure
No, I am not willing to share him with another woman....
Well the most important thing in a relationship is trust. Without it can not survive in a healthy fashion. In healthy relationships there are no secrets and no hidden phones. It really comes down to what you are willing to tolerate.

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Originally Posted by Insecure
I have known this man for 25 years. I have always had this place for him in my heart - we always talked over the years.
Originally Posted by LH19
Sounds more like you are in love with the fantasy of what he could be than what he really is right now?
Often times the person we want someone to be is not actually the person they are. We project our hopes and desires of who we want them to be onto them. Then, when we get to know them better (say in an LTR) we find the flaws they had all along which we never knew about while imagining the fantasy of being with them, or perhaps covered up during the honeymoon phase of the relationship, which typically lasts longer than 3 months.

Your boyfriend cheated 3 months into a 4 year relationship and is now doing it again. He showed you pretty quickly into your actual relationship who he was as a person.

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." -Maya Angelou


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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