Summary: ExW (37) & I (40) were together 9 years, married 7, with two young children (then S4/D1, now S7/D3). BD shortly after a nice family Disney vacation, and soon discovered her affair w/married co-worker. For months I pursued, chased, begged, snooped...etc., put the kids to bed at night while she "worked late" and got up in the morning with them while she "went to work early". Affair w/OM1 blows up when their employer & OM1's wife find out; instead of working on the marriage ExW starts up w/OM2, moves out, files for divorce, moves OM2 right in (including with my kids). Physical separation coming up on 2 years this Summer and the divorce legally finalized 1 year ago. ExW's been living with OM2 for more than a year and a half in a house she bought across the street from his sister.
I was really crushing it the second half of 2021 - firing on all cylinders - but have felt a little slide in the last few months of 2022. Still a fantastic father and doing well at work, but feeling a bit more worn down, not getting to the gym, pausing grad school...etc. I've had guilt about the situation for the kids (despite not being my choice) and overcompensating there, bending over backwards to flex out of work and be as involved as possible - a good thing - but also need to make my own self-care a priority as well (E.g., put your oxygen mask on first). Did not to date until after D was official - moral thing for me and my kids - and only one date since, so not much to report there. Still have anger in terms of ExW and OM2 living with my kids, mostly when it's in my face.
1 year officially divorced as of last week, an appropriate occasion to start a new thread...
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Late last week marked the 1 year anniversary of when the divorce officially/legally finalized with the courts signing off. I didn't really feel much or get emotional about it. It's more a marking the time to give a sense of where we stand and a measuring stick on the process.
I'm fairly (completely?) detached from ExW in terms of our relationship. I don't pine for her or wish to be with her in any way, and haven't for quite awhile. I do still have anger moments related to the impact ExW's decisions has on my kids' lives, both the divorce / split households and missing mommy and daddy at times and certainly that they're living with OM2. I don't think about that a lot, especially when I'm with the kids, but then there are moments (E.g., a drop off with his truck, a comment about him from D3, or a sporting event raffle ticket with his name on it) which can rile me up.
I'm absolutely crushing it as S7 and D3's father. We've had some many amazing experiences together and I've flexed out of work to an extreme amount to be engaged with them even several says during my "off" week, which most parents wouldn't be able to do. Also doing well at work, good feedback.
As I mentioned in the summary, and in my last thread, I've felt a falling off on my full steam ahead / firing on all cylinders self and felt a bit more run down over the last few months / less focused on self improvement stuff (E.g., gym, paused grad school...etc.). There's only so much I can do, and I think I need to give self-care a bit more priority. Not that the kid focus isn't important, but I can't keep up the pace forever. I definitely have some guilt about the situation for the kids, even though it wasn't my choice. I'd say it wasn't my fault either. Granted, I wasn't perfect, but ultimately was a pretty good guy and willing to work, whereas ExW was not. But regardless, I've overcompensated with them because of that guilt, and need to schedule in some of my own priorities. Like ScottB over in Newcomers, maybe need to schedule a vacation for myself. That sounded refreshing, invigorating, and just a lot of fun. To date I've used all of my PTO to spend more time with the kids, and nothing for myself. Part of it is also looking ahead a few months and planning it out vs. head down getting through the weeks.
Fantastic Spring Break / Easter, taking the kids on overnights and day trips (theme park, nature hikes, rainy day indoor activities...etc.). Plus Easter egg hunt/basket fun in the morning. Also had a fantastic Memorial Day this past weekend three days in a row of taking them to several local parks/playgrounds, pools...etc. Such bonding moments and memories. Love them so much.
It's also busy this Spring coaching baseball and soccer which has kept me involved. It's more when I don't have the kids where I can feel down at times. For example, S7's school held Friday night Spring Fair which I couldn't take the kids (ExW's time) and one or two people said "I saw your kids at the Fair!", well intentioned, but caused me to feel down a bit I wasn't able to be there with them. Also, there was a school art show which I attended (ExW knew in advance) and we walked around like a fake family to see S7's art. Good for S7 & D3 maybe, but felt a bit weird to me...like everyone probably thinks we're a happy family, why was there a need for this whole situation? Also feel anger at times when, for example, seeing OM2 and his family's names on raffle tickets for baseball. I know, my personal issue.
Also, I'm prepping financial documents for a hearing in two weeks of child support. It's only been 12 months since our original agreement, but ExW got a new job and filed for review of support. Annoying to have to go through this again, but she got a significant bump in pay with the new employer/job, should hopefully result in a reduction in my payments. So fingers crossed.
Sorry for the ramble....just jotting down thoughts & feelings from the last month and a half.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Why did exW file for a review of child support when SHE is making more money? Does she not know how this works??? Or does she think you are making more in just 12 months that would offset her increased income?
An adult vacation sounds like a great idea.
Also - bear in mind - your marriage was already broken when OM2 showed up on the scene. This really isn't about him but about her. Keep your anger focused on her, she's the responsible party.
Honestly not sure. I do feel lonely at times and would like some adult companionship, but then other times when the anger bubbles up I think well maybe I'm not ready or when D3 has a meltdown I think well how could anyone want to step into that position and maybe I really just need to focus on the kids. Something casual would be nice, where I could see someone occasionally and enjoy company and maybe an emotional or physical connection as opposed to a quick serious nature, because I can't see how someone could fit into every day life with the young kids.
Originally Posted by kml
Why did exW file for a review of child support when SHE is making more money? Does she not know how this works??? Or does she think you are making more in just 12 months that would offset her increased income?
Good question. Our D agreement says we're obligated to notify of a change in employer, but no requirement to petition for an adjustment to child support, so I think she's confused and conflating the former with the latter...though that's admittedly speculation. My L called the petition "a little bizarre" and said "I've never seen a filing where someone’s own increase is the basis for a modification", but good for me I suppose. I'm effectively paying her mortgage payment at the moment, despite spending more time with the kids than she does, so some relief there would be welcomed and not unreasonable. When she initially told me about the new job/salary she asked if we should deal with the courts or figure it out ourselves, I responded the latter to avoid time/cost/courts/lawyers, but she decided to go through the courts for whatever reason. I get the sense she wants a judge to review it and decide to make it official, which isn't exactly how it works.
Originally Posted by kml
An adult vacation sounds like a great idea.
Yeah, maybe it's time to plan something for myself. Finances & vacation time are not an issue - just need to get past the day-to-day and plan in advance.
Originally Posted by kml
Also - bear in mind - your marriage was already broken when OM2 showed up on the scene. This really isn't about him but about her. Keep your anger focused on her, she's the responsible party.
That's true. I question OM2's integrity sleeping and moving in with a married woman, but no doubt it's more on ExW. I don't have a lot of anger towards OM1 if I'm being honest. My issue more stems from OM2 living with my two young kids. Hate the idea of the immoral example they're being modeled, and me potentially being displaced (though realistically I don't believe that would actually happen).
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
For these lost souls the seeds of their crisis were planted long ago. Well before we ever meet them. Their twisted emotional path has nothing to do with us, the LBS, or the children. We didn’t break them, so we cannot fix them.
DnJ - Well said. I read this several times and texted it to my mom.
XW’s path/journey is about her. To realize how confused and mixed up she is/was:
Originally Posted by BL42
They would talk about how great each other was at work, how they had a spark that was perfect and no one ever loved them for who they are until now, how they would never stray again, references to hooking up in the office during work hours, planning a life where kids would be running around in the yard...etc.
XW’s referring to OM1. Yep, will never stray again. Well, until the affair with OM1 blew up. Then found OM2 in short order.
Not about you. Didn’t breaker her, cannot fix her.
It’s one year post divorce. And you are fairly (completely?) detached. I noticed how you stated and qualified your detachment - “in terms of our relationship”. An interesting and important detail which you may be underestimating in significance.
I like to separate detachment and indifference. For me it was helpful to be clear about each. Detachment is no longer being unintentionally emotionally dragged around indifference is feeling rather numb towards them.
Originally Posted by BL42
I don't pine for her or wish to be with her in any way, and haven't for quite awhile.
I am glad you no longer pine for her. It’s the wishing that’s causing some problems. IMHO.
I understand, you do not wish to be with her in any way. However, you are with her. And in a big way. Kids.
Like it or not, you and her have to exchange kids and deal with each other for at least around two more decades. Wishing for different doesn’t serve you. Let go that wish, and embrace what you have.
Originally Posted by BL42
I do still have anger moments related to the impact ExW's decisions has on my kids' lives, both the divorce / split households and missing mommy and daddy at times and certainly that they're living with OM2. I don't think about that a lot, especially when I'm with the kids, but then there are moments (E.g., a drop off with his truck, a comment about him from D3, or a sporting event raffle ticket with his name on it) which can rile me up.
This is understandable and perfectly normal. It takes time to find acceptance. And part of that journey is letting go. And we all require a certain amount of understanding before we can let go.
Grief is a convoluted process. It’s nonlinear and multifaceted. Various items of one’s situations are at different points and stages of their grief; from still being denied and awaiting to be realized to entering final acceptance. Anger, bargaining, and depression of course getting the lion’s share since things being denied are just that - unrealized yet, and accepted things are no longer are grieved.
Your anger towards OM2 and the situation regarding kids due to XW’s choices is within the anger stage. The OM2 emotions shows not being detached. You have a unintentional emotional response to seeing his name, or hearing a comment about him, or seeing his truck. Perfectly normal BL. It’s ok. It also shows where you need to do some detachment work. As I said, we all require understanding before we can let go. And letting go is more along and after the indifference part.
The few angry moments you experience from kids missing mommy and daddy time, and them living and being influenced by OM2, is from you. You craft these emotional responses. You are detached - as in you are not dragged around like when you see OM2, you just aren’t yet indifferent. This is good by the way, and a good thing to realize. Since if you control this, then you can control a different response. Well, influence a different emotional response (an indifferent response). We only directly control our thoughts, actions, and reactions after all. Through those three things, we influence ourselves and thus our life.
Consider that feelings are fleeting. They are born from within our subconsciousness, and without reinforcement will flit away in minutes. Feelings are triggered and reinforced by forces and events that oftentimes are we have coupled together. The uncoupling of those is detachment and finding indifference.
Originally Posted by BL42
I question OM2's integrity sleeping and moving in with a married woman, but no doubt it's more on ExW. I don't have a lot of anger towards OM1 if I'm being honest. My issue more stems from OM2 living with my two young kids. Hate the idea of the immoral example they're being modeled, and me potentially being displaced (though realistically I don't believe that would actually happen).
Certainly lots things coupled and tangled together.
“Hate the idea”. Yep. I get it. However regarding kids and possible problems, that is a rather future yet to happen kind of a thing. No need to borrow trouble, nor carry that burden for the next decades. At 6 and 3, your kids do not understand the immoral situation that lead to their present living arrangements. And XW is well an ex, now. Sure when OM2 (and OM1) and her started up she was married, so plenty of immoral blame to both parties. Now, a year passed divorce. Carrying that around doesn’t serve you BL.
You no longer, or well not much, are angry towards OM1. Why? Time. Indifference. Letting go. You control/influence you. OM2 - you can find the same indifference.
You being displaced or even replaced. Like a lot of our journey, we need to let go a future that hasn’t happened and is likely not to. Worrying and stressing over a possible future - such is fear - causes one to live anxiously.
An anxious person lives in the future, a depressed person lives in the past. Peace comes from living within the present moment. Plan your wonderful future and accept your immutable past.
So control. Your actions. Your time with kids. You are their Dad. Their role model. Their living example. Have faith and realize, they are always watching and listening and learning.
Originally Posted by BL42
I've felt a falling off on my full steam ahead / firing on all cylinders self and felt a bit more run down over the last few months / less focused on self improvement stuff (E.g., gym, paused grad school...etc.). There's only so much I can do, and I think I need to give self-care a bit more priority. Not that the kid focus isn't important, but I can't keep up the pace forever. I definitely have some guilt about the situation for the kids…
Yep. Something feels different, doesn’t it. Why ain’t I firing on all cylinders? You are entering the depression stage of grief. This needed step is part of the process. It is along the journey to acceptance, to emotional understanding and acceptance. You already intellectually accepted things, it’s your emotional side, your heart (hope you kept it soft and squishy) that is catching up. Perfect normal. Everyone has this lag or delay.
Control, a most intellectual ability. An ability that can, and does, influence your emotional side.
For the next while you will feel off. Know the temporary nature of this. Continue your life and pursuits. I know, it feels weird. Actually it will feel - nothing. An indifference will engulf much. Sorry BL, it’s just how this process goes. Depression of the loss of your marriage, of the guilt towards your kids, and so on; it is dark and draining. And temporary. Remember this is a journey towards emotional understanding, and as such is often below the conscious surface for us. Answers and revelations will present themselves when one is calm and at peace.
Continue being Dad. I even somewhat lost my feelings for my kids during my depression over J. Remember you know, even when you feel not. And your feelings all comes back. And so much better than before; which is really saying something.
And yes, that includes feelings towards XW. Acceptance brings peace. Have faith.
Originally Posted by BL42
Sorry for the ramble....just jotting down thoughts & feelings from the last month and a half.
Sorry for the rambling response. Lol
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I got lazy tonight and ordered Chinese take out. Almost threw the fortune cookie out with the brown paper bag but held back at the last second, opened the wrapper, took a bite of the fairly stale cookie, and read the fortune:
"An agreeable romance might begin to take on the appearance."
A positive omen or playful tease?!? Lol
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I can't see how someone could fit into every day life with the young kids.
Well, remember even for someone dating "seriously" with marriage in mind like K, they've seen my kids exactly twice in the 6 months and my kids can't remember her name. It will be AT LEAST 1-2 years into dating before you have to start thinking about such questions. And before then your kids and her will have met and you'll have some idea how they might fit together.
All you need to figure out now is whether she fits into YOUR life.
I can certainly understand how dating with young kids is a daunting task when you look to integrating families . But someone doesn’t just come along and fit into you and your kids every day life. You date someone and you make your relationship about the 2 of you for Atleast the first 6 months. And then you slowly start doing things together. Likely the woman who comes along for you has you had young kids as well. She she isn’t just going to slide into your life. But she will likely understand and may even be going through the 3’s herself or has been there already and gets it. It’s a process to blend families for sure . But make it a long process because no one just becomes an insta family.
So don’t borrow trouble from the future yet. When you find someone you want to date, Just date them. And if it’s good and progresses, then you will grow into it.
Hang in there ! That fortune cookie might be right !
