TT, no doubt we’ve all been there but trying to understand things will not change your situation. She’s a narcissist, she’s not a narcissist, how does either of those options change where you’re at?
Focus on what’s important mate, and it’s not her.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Does she have narcissistic traits? Probably. Is she a narcissist? Unlikely, they make up less than 4% of the population. It’s very popular for the LBS to label the WW a narcissist or in MLC. Nothing to see here and move on.
BL/OnlyBent, I get your points. It's just frustrating to deal with all the blocks, arrogance, and entitlement on an almost daily basis. Just looking for advice, but it seems every time I ask for advice, it's the same answer Focus on self, focus on kids, move on.
The reason the advice is to focus on self, focus on kids, and start looking forward to moving your life forward, with or without her is because........what choice do you have?
I know you know this, but it is important to rehear these things: it takes two committed spouses to make a marriage. It only takes 1 uncommitted spouse to make a divorce. And sense you have no control over her, you have no control over whether or not you end up divorced. It is not what we want to hear or even acknowledge, but it is a cold, hard truth. It is immutable. The fact is that if the WAS wants to continue to divorce there is nothing the LBS can do to stop it.
The only choice the LBS has left is to focus on themselves (and their kids if they are a parent), remove all pressure and pursuit, and look to moving their life forward. This is why the advice keeps coming back to this. Yes, it is difficult to do. Yes, it is at times frustrating that there isn't more the LBS can do. Yes, it is scary to face the lack of control you have over this aspect of your life.
But when it is all said and done, is there really any other option for the LBS? They can continue to bash their head against a brickwall, and hope it results in something positive. Or they can assume that their WAS is telling them the truth, that it is really over, and start moving their life forward with that assumption.
The good news is that by doing that, sometimes....NOT ALWAYS BUT SOMETIMES, this makes the LBS look attractive again to the WAS. After all, the WAS expects the LBS to hold on for dear life, to try to change their mind, to continue to win them back. And when the LBS flips that script and suddenly seems onboard with ending things, seems almost excited to move on with a new chapter in their life, and begins to embrace the change even though it isn't what they want, the WAS started to wonder why. They get interested in what the LBS is doing. They see the LBS in IC, they see the LBS out getting a life, they feel a loss of control over the LBS and their emotions, and they start to second guess what they are doing. Again, lots of WASs are dead set on leaving their marriage and nothing will deter that. But in some of them, the LBS following this path will cause the WAS to become interested again.
Tough, you seem to struggle a bit with the advice coming back to "Focus on self, focus on kids, move on." What are your thoughts on alternatives to this approach?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't have any alternatives to your approach. I'm clear on why and what needs to be done. I just lose a bit of focus now and then when STBXW complicates, blocks, frustrates, etc. I'm also nervous because I don't fully trust where she is going with D. In actual fact though, I've been supportive of moving forward some aspects of my upcoming D. I've proactively sought out mediation with someone we agree on, we will talk about a parenting plan in two weeks, and I'm about to finalise a L to kick off a financial settlement that is fair. After the parenting plan is in place, I'm going to propose we start the selling process of our house EARLIER, rather than later. Because I need my space now, not in 7 months.
I admit I'm hard on myself, frustrated that for once I understand why the R failed, but not able to work on that. But that's not entirely true. I've gotten a deeper friendship with a close friend. We have very similar upbringings and it's a connection I've never had before. It's validating to hear him say that I'm visibly happier. Happier because it's been a VERY long time since I've hade any sort of plan in my life. Happier because I know where I want to go and how to do it. It's just the trees are blocking my view of the forest.
Need some advice. I'm tired of STBXW arguing over minute details of property settlement that she doesn't understand. I'm planning to send this:
STBXW,
These circular conversations on property settlement are unproductive. It's been almost a month with practically no resolution or agreement. I am not willing to have any more dialogue on points of Family Law as this is the domain of lawyers. I have no desire to engage any further in these types of conversations.
Percentages absolutely require a complete financial picture. As such, I will be hiring an accountant or lawyer or both to draft up a proforma settlement based on all the information you and I have provided. Any funds spent to prepare this document will be clearly labelled. In the absence of your clear direction, I will take a best effort approach to proposing how assets are to be allocated. I will then share with you the document when it is completed. At that point we can revise based on your input because we will then be having a proper and informed financial conversation. Eventually this needs to be done, so it is not wasted effort, the details can always be updated closer to final settlement. I expect this could take months to prepare given the complexity of transactions, the properties involved, and paperwork required.
I wouldn't send that. If you can't handle negotiation with her, leave it to the mediation service or your attorney. Don't send pointless, provocative e-mails.
I'm tired of STBXW arguing over minute details of property settlement. These circular conversations on property settlement are unproductive. It's been almost a month with practically no resolution or agreement. I have no desire to engage any further in these types of conversations.. as this is the domain of lawyers.
Save emoting about your feelings for us or your personal journal.
Originally Posted by tt180
I am not willing to have any more dialogue on points of Family Law
This is worth considering. Better than telling her you don't want to keep negotiating directly, would be telling her where her negotiations should continue, "I've decided not to negotiate directly. Please direct future messages to <mediation service> or <my attorney>."
Originally Posted by tt180
Percentages absolutely require a complete financial picture. As such, I will be hiring an accountant or lawyer or both to draft up a proforma settlement based on all the information you and I have provided. Any funds spent to prepare this document will be clearly labelled. In the absence of your clear direction, I will take a best effort approach to proposing how assets are to be allocated. I will then share with you the document when it is completed. At that point we can revise based on your input because we will then be having a proper and informed financial conversation. Eventually this needs to be done, so it is not wasted effort, the details can always be updated closer to final settlement. I expect this could take months to prepare given the complexity of transactions, the properties involved, and paperwork required.
To quote Nike, "Just DO It!"--hire that mediation service or attorney to wrap this up! You've been talking about that for weeks. That should be the end of any circular negotiations.
Focus on self, focus on kids, move on.