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#2934294 05/24/22 10:56 PM
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Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Let her be as angry as she wants. Show her you can "handle" her emotions. You stay calm and listen. Switch your thought process from arguing or justifying to She wants to be heard and understood.

Yes, if you can adopt this when you’d naturally avoid, communication will doubtless improve between you and your STBXW.

Originally Posted by tt180
continues to attempt to break boundaries (talking about finances in person instead of email)
The cool thing about boundaries—boundaries only control you—is nobody can break them but you. If your boundary is, “All my communication to her about the divorce will be by email” she’s free to message you any way she wants—text, voicemail, email, in-person—and none of it prevents you from sticking to your boundary to only communicate to her about it via email.

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TT, how is GAL going?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
TT, how is GAL going?

Pretty good. Gym, seeing friends, hanging with the kids, and even taking some online courses on surviving the D. Some nights I just retire to my room and read or play some video games. The only thing I haven't done is pick up my guitar, but with so many other distractions, I haven't really had the time. This Friday I'm off to a big sports game with a friend who has risen to be the most supportive and caring friend I've ever had. I wish I connected with him in this way years earlier.

Today I found a great L. Third time lucky. Supportive, empathetic to fathers, and reasonably priced. She mapped out a clear path for me, with answers for all the weasel financial things my STBXW wants to throw at me. I also got great advice for negotiating a parenting plan. We even discussed contingency options if STBXW becomes particularly stubborn, or if mediation fails.

I can see the anger reducing on the other side, and the emails are starting to be more productive. Whether that lasts or not, I don't care because I really feel I'm in a good place. With the legal and emotional support I have now, I feel I have a clear plan for my future.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Let her be as angry as she wants. Show her you can "handle" her emotions. You stay calm and listen. Switch your thought process from arguing or justifying to She wants to be heard and understood.

Don't want to hijack TT180's thread but I think this is great advice for him or for anybody. We often get into situations where this is required. I have entirely stopped arguing or justifying. Making her feel heard is a subtle skill however, as disrespect needs to be identified on-time and our boundaries need to be maintained.

Originally Posted by kml
Just trying to hold up a mirror of what "normal" behavior would look like.

Thanks. It takes some slo-mo but we have to do this analysis (later if not in real-time) as to what is normal / reasonable and how far away from normal, the behaviors were. This is important when a R is on the downward spiral and when leading to or during piecing. However, in general we cannot let abnormal behavior affect us - this is a test of detachment imho.

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PeterB, this is one point I need to improve on. I still let her disrespect me. I don't validate, or engage, but I don't call it out. It seems to me her only way to get power.

Otherwise, I can say I've not engaged with her s**t for at least six weeks now.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
Joined: Apr 2022
Posts: 119
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Originally Posted by toughtimes180
PeterB, this is one point I need to improve on. I still let her disrespect me. I don't validate, or engage, but I don't call it out. It seems to me her only way to get power.

Otherwise, I can say I've not engaged with her s**t for at least six weeks now.

If you have not engaged then that's great. I think you cannot prevent her from disrespecting you. You can only set and enforce boundaries (requires real time identification of disrespect). That may reduce her tendency to disrespect. Based on your earlier statement pasted below:

Originally Posted by toughtimes180
I can see the anger reducing on the other side, and the emails are starting to be more productive.

... your efforts are probably working.

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Peter says it well. You can’t stop her from “disrespecting you”. You only control how you react. Do you expend energy and escalate by arguing with her (attached behavior) or do you hang up, leave the room, ignore her (detached behavior)?

There may be situations in which you need to engage, but those are probably few and far between.

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Originally Posted by Traveler
Peter says it well. You can’t stop her from “disrespecting you”. You only control how you react. Do you expend energy and escalate by arguing with her (attached behavior) or do you hang up, leave the room, ignore her (detached behavior)?
The latter. I've wasted no energy in the last 6 weeks on any escalation. In fact, since day one. I've not escalated with anger. I only made one mistake where I knew if I talked about a subject, she'd go off. And she did. But certainly I expend no energy on escalation. The improvement I have is letting some things slide. But I've gotten better, and recently I've made some pretty assertive boundaries, much to her surprise.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 274
Likes: 11
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I'm sure this is a come up many times on the boards but I do want to get an opinion. An angry WW certainly exhibits narcissistic behavior, and right now in my sitch, ignoring me seems to be the only power left to her. Does anyone have any experience of a true narsasisst? What I'm trying to say is I found this great definition on quora that explains what is a covert or vulnerable narcissist and it fits my WW to the tee. I'm going to mediation for a parenting plan, so it'll be interesting to see if these tendencies play out. It explains so well why we can't negotiate and how she goes off when criticized. I feel I've been duped the entire marriage.

Look, I get it that I'm guilty of rewriting history, but when I sort through what I was missing all these years, and the struggles, it just seems to make total sense that a covert narcissist would love a nice guy like me to control. And avoiding the conflict delays the outbursts and preserves her self-esteem.

I wonder if it's really healthy for me to have this reflection, or if I should focus on moving on, and ensuring I don't fall for this again in the future.

I told my L if the parenting plan negotiations go poorly, or shows that she really doesn't negotiate (justifies) it will be L to L for the rest of the D journey.

Just some random thoughts for the day. Her overt abuse is gone, the games are now less frequent and intense.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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