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#2934240 05/23/22 04:09 PM
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Wolfman Offline OP
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2923453&page=10

Thats the previous thread. Thank you all for the advice. I need to work on doing things without expectations. LH you are right that was a piece of why I got divorced. Its very hard I am just starting to learn about myself with that. My family growing up was all about if they did something for you you had to do something in return. I even feel weird when a friend lets say gives me a drink. I feel like I need to give them one back very soon. I can't just take something out of the goodness of their heart. My parents ingrained that in me. I really have to do that. My parents would always say to my brothers and I, I did something for you (make food, wash our clothes, drive us somewhere) that we had to do something for them. This forum has helped me realize that way of thinking is toxic.

KML & Traveler date night is a great idea. Definitely need to do those. I think that will help a lot. I mentioned to her we need to do that at least once a month. I will plan something in the next weekend or so.

There was some gym questions. Wasn't one of the things this forum talks about is going to the gym when getting divorced. It took me a while to really get back into it but I am back into it. I go 4 days a week. The gym helps with my stress and anxiety. Some days with my anger too. Overall, It just makes me feel good. I switched to the morings because she was complaining about me going after work and that taking time away from her and the baby. So, I go early so I don't lose out on that time with them. I hate the mornings especially that early but I switched for her. Every 5 or 6 weeks I also take a full week off too.

I need help with something. I would love to hear everyone's suggestions for this. If I am not intimate with my partner for a while (a month or more) I start to become very angry. I start to feel like whats wrong with me, why is she not attracted to me, it just really bothers me. How do i cope with that anger? There are times i will try and initiate and get shot down. It would just feel nice to feel wanted once and a while. I know the anger comes out once and a while but i dont know what to do. Then I dont want to do anything for her. Please help me with this!!! I know this hurt my marriage too.

As far as that story I need to tell. i will tell soon. I just need a lot of time to write it. I am sure it will help with why some of these things are happening. Thanks everyone. This is unfortunately my only safe place to really speak how i feel.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Wasn't one of the things this forum talks about is going to the gym when getting divorced.
Gym is important but it probably takes a backseat to not fulfilling your GFs love language.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
If I am not intimate with my partner for a while (a month or more) I start to become very angry.
Angry sounds strong. Frustrated seems more appropriate?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I start to feel like what's wrong with me, why is she not attracted to me, it just really bothers me.
Have you asked her what the problem is regarding lack of sex?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
How do i cope with that anger?
Choke your chicken
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Then I don't want to do anything for her. Please help me with this!!! I know this hurt my marriage too.
Nice Guy Syndrome. You never really delved into what your issues are and you are repeating them in this relationship.

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This is what the date nights are for - you want to woo her. She's much more likely to want to have sex with you if she feels romanced and valued.

Also - do not underestimate the physical toll of pregnancy and caring for an infant on a woman's libido. That's why you need to woo her MIND.

There's an old saying - Men want to have sex to feel close. Women need to feel close to have sex.

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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I even feel weird when a friend lets say gives me a drink. I feel like I need to give them one back very soon.

My parents would always say to my brothers and I, I did something for you (make food, wash our clothes, drive us somewhere) that we had to do something for them.
To be clear, explicit contracts are fine--

"I'll buy drinks this time, if you buy drinks next time."
"I'll drive you to the concert if you wash my car."

The core idea of No More Mr. Nice Guy is to avoid implicit contracts, where you buy a drink or wash a car without making any sort of deal and then expect a reward. And, of course, contracts involving love or sex are icky!


Originally Posted by Wolfman
If I am not intimate with my partner for a while (a month or more) I start to become very angry. I start to feel like whats wrong with me, why is she not attracted to me, it just really bothers me. How do i cope with that anger?
When someone says no, I sometimes feel disappointed, but can't recall anger.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
why is she not attracted to me,
Few men can say MOST women are attracted to them. Fewer still can say MOST women are attracted to them all the time. I get sadness, disappointment, neglect, and even shame. Your desire went unfulfilled. What is the root of your anger? Understanding why you're getting angry might help you avoid it rather than just manage it.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Then I dont want to do anything for her. Please help me with this!!! I know this hurt my marriage too.
Don't do things that you'll regret if she says no to sex. Do do things you feel like doing because you love her, you value her, she's your best friend, she's a fellow human being, etc.

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Ok so here is the situation that hit our relationship hard. i apologize for it being long.

Last summer my gf and i were having a conversation about me going to court mandated therapy with my daughter. Just so everyone understands, i was only allowed to see my d at therapy for 1 hour a week. That was it, no calls, no texts no nothing.GF was getting angry that me going once a week was taking time away from her and my baby. She felt why am i putting in this time with someone who wants no part of me. That it wasn't fair to her and the baby when they are the ones who love me. I explained that, that's my d and i can't just give up on her. i had a good relationship with her and the x destroyed it. She also mentioned that it bothers her that a lot of times when i would come home from therapy with my d I would be sad and depressed. Side note, at those therapy sessions my d would bash me and make up lies how bad i was as a father. She said that wasnt fair to her and the baby either, that i would come home sad and depressed and that she didn't want to see anyone hurt me. She hated seeing me like that. I said i understand and i am sorry that i bring that home, but it's just hard for me. Well the conversation started to escalate and then she said that I don't care about her and the baby. I said I love you both but I also love my d. She said then that she was going to leave with the baby. When she said that the baby was on the floor and I was playing with him. So, I picked him up and walked into the kitchen. While I was in the kitchen I heard her packing clothes into a bag. So i figured she was just going to take off with the baby. I was not going to allow her to just leave with my child. i already lost one child. She came into the kitchen and said, give me the baby, I said he is just fine with me. She said it again louder. i told her her is going to stay in the home. She said he is her baby and she can take him. I said he is my child too and this is his home and he should stay in his home. Then she started to scream at me with the baby in my hands to give him to her. I said if you want to leave you can leave but the baby is staying. She then lunged at me to take the baby. i turned so she couldn't grab him. She then grabbed my arm really hard trying to turn me with him in my arms. I told her to stop because I could drop the baby. She tried again to reach around me to take him from me. i told her to stop that, that is dangerous. She then went back into the room to pack more things. i proceeded to walk into our bedroom and close the door and lock it. She came to the door and started to pound on the door, to give her the baby. I told her she needs to calm down she is acting irrational. She refused and continued to pound on the door. i again told her she needs to calm down, but she would stop. Since she would not calm down or stop, I called the cops. I did not know what else to do to get her to stop and calm down. Honestly i was afraid what she would do to me. When she heard me talking to the cops she started to scream more how could i call the cops on her. When the cops came i went outside to talk to them. Even in front of the cops she kept insisting I give her the baby. The cops had to calm her down, and they even said that she was acting up and that they didn't understand why I had to give the baby to her.

I gotta run i will finish soon. i get to those replys too later.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Wolfman,

Reading the summary of that incident was difficult. A lot of major red flags:

1) GF resenting your relationship with your daughter from ExW
2) GF threatening to move out and take the baby over it
3) GF acting hysterical & resorting to physical confrontations
4) You calling the cops on your GF with a newborn

Have things settled down on the home front since, any more incidents? You may want to record similar encounters in the future in case things escalate legally.

You're in a tough spot both with ExW and current GF, and kids with both. Not sure what advice to give other than get into IC and keep working on yourself to be the best father and partner you can be.

You probably don't want a second relationship with someone you have a kid with to fail, but there will come a point you have to end it if GF can't accept your relationship with your kids.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
She then lunged at me to take the baby. i turned so she couldn't grab him. She then grabbed my arm really hard trying to turn me with him in my arms. I told her to stop because I could drop the baby. She tried again to reach around me to take him from me. i told her to stop that, that is dangerous.
This could've turned south very quickly!

Originally Posted by Wolfman
She came to the door and started to pound on the door, to give her the baby. I told her she needs to calm down she is acting irrational. She refused and continued to pound on the door. i again told her she needs to calm down, but she would stop. Since she would not calm down or stop, I called the cops. I did not know what else to do to get her to stop and calm down. Honestly i was afraid what she would do to me. When she heard me talking to the cops she started to scream more how could i call the cops on her. When the cops came i went outside to talk to them. Even in front of the cops she kept insisting I give her the baby. The cops had to calm her down, and they even said that she was acting up and that they didn't understand why I had to give the baby to her.
Wolf, if you were afraid, kudos for calling the cops. It's their job is to keep the peace, and many are 1000% happier being called before matters escalate. I encourage striking "Calm down" from your vocabulary. Telling a woman to "Calm down" is often the surest way to achieve the opposite. Let her feel and express her feelz. Focus on the SAFETY issue--

1. "STOP banging on the door."
2. "STOP banging on the door or I'm calling the police."
3. <Call the police>

How does your GF recollect this event? Were there any long-term consequences?

I've called 9-1-1 against my XW. She never held it against me. We both recollected events similarly and she agrees it was reasonable under the circumstances for me to believe my kids were in danger.

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To finish my story:
The cops then insisted that she leave the home since I called the cops on her. She was really upset and said she couldn't leave the baby because she was breast feeding. We had a bunch of breast milk in the fridge that I could have given him. I wanted her to leave because she really needed to cool down. The other part was since she was breast feeding she should be there with the baby. The cops said if she cant leave because of the breast feeding and I was not going to leave the home what can we do? So, the cops suggested if there was a family member to come over to keep the peace. They would not obviously just leave us alone. So, we were able to have gf dad come over. He is a great man in respect, he is very intelligent and doesn't take sides, he just goes by what happened. The cops waited for him to come and when he arrived they left. To make a long story a little shorter he tried to explain to her that she was acting irrationally, and feels she may have some post partum going on.
Since this situation she takes no ownership in her part of that day. All I hear is how I betrayed her trust and how dare I call the cops on her. This was last summer and she brings it up every once and a while how I hurt her and how she doesn't trust me. Its amazing that she does not want to see the part she played in all of it. Look maybe I could of waited longer before calling the cops, maybe over time she would have calmed down. She also needs to understand that grabbing for the baby was very dangerous, what if I would have dropped him. Her banging on the door tried to basically break the door down. But I am the bad one for calling the cops to stop the situation from getting worse. Its one of those things when you are removed form the situation you can think of a lot of other things you could have done. Also, I didn't mention, when she was trying to grab the baby from my arms, she grabbed my arm so hard that it was actually black and blue after. So that is the full story and why she does not trust me.

BL I dont want this relationship to fail, I really don't. But I am running out of options. There is literally no talking to her. I am always wrong and bad. Look I am not looking to be right all the time either. I would like her to just take accountability for her actions once and a while. I am reaching my breaking point, of ending this relationship. My mental health is being really affected.

Traveler- great question. If you talk to her about the incident, she was only leaving to take a break and that she was going to come back the same day. I said to her, then why were you packing up all that stuff? So, she gaslights me saying I was over reacting that she did not pack up that much stuff. We already have a diaper bag ready to go at all times with diapers, wipes, clothes and other various products. She was packing up a bunch of his clothes, I know what I saw her doing. That day was all my fault and I betrayed her trust. Long tern consequence is she can't let that go. She lets these things linger and resentment build up. I ask her all the time what can I do to help her heal and she says nothing, just time. This is just a terrible situation.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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LH you asked a question about have I asked her why the lack of $ex. I have, she says she is not emotionally there. She feels like she is second and she doesn't trust me (the cop incident). When I ask how can I help you heal or help her get over it, she just says time. right now its been 2 months since the last time.

I am also starting to see a pattern that is happening more and more. The days I have my son she is depressed and just right down. When I ask her whats wrong, her response is you know, the usual. At first I would ask what does that mean? That this is her life and that she feels like her and the baby are second. She is not happy with this life and never imagined her life to be this way. She actually said to me yesterday That she is my woman and I should be putting her on a pedastil. She feels my son comes first. She constantly makes it like its my son and I against her and the baby. I am at a loss.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
She feels my son comes first. She constantly makes it like its my son and I against her and the baby. I am at a loss.
Wolf your life sounds horrible with the baby momma drama. Sounds to me that it's time for a heart to heart talk with your GF. If she can't understand that your son is an important part of your life then you should consider ending the relationship.

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