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Gerda,

It's been a while! I hope you are doing ok. It looks like you might be cutting back on your posting, but I hate the idea of completely losing touch with you. I have an email address that I have not used in years. I thought maybe I could put it here, and if you want, you could shoot me an email to say hi. I hope that doesn't break any rules. My email is sjohns63@msn.com. I hope to hear from you. And I hope your situation has settled down a little.

-Sam


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
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Hello, Friends. I have been working so much I haven't had time for an update post or even to pop in on anyone else's thread. I hope everyone is doing okay.

Today would have been my 22nd wedding annivesary.

Actually, it is my 22nd wedding anniversary. I am still in divorce purgatory. But I start to think that this year it will finally happen.

sjohn/Sam -- wow, that is really really nice of you to say. It is always astonishing to hear things like that, not that I hear things like that almost ever. I think your post will get deleted but I copied the info already.

I will write an update very soon but wanted to just say to Sage how incredibly powerful and meaningful and amazing was your message to me. I read it right then but thought I should go back to my Lent fast and not reply. I will treasure that post forever in so many ways. I printed it out and sent a copy to two of my best friends and they agreed that you are a woman we would want to know. Please copy sjohns msn and crumb me a way!

DnJ, yes, you got it exactly. I was that low. These days I am not that low. As you say, feelings are fleeting. Or rather, I thought less about what caused that feeling and it mostly went away. Though I watched some of the Depp trial, somehow very cathartic or comforting to me, and I must say that watching Amber H is exactly like watching my H.

And Eagle, thank you too for your compassion. I read yours back when you wrote it too and it made me feel so supported just that you knew how sad I was.

I will write an update soon but for now -- you will all be glad to know I hired a lawyer. It's a funny story of how I found him, for next post. That last horrific conference during Lent showed me that I would not be able to think clearly enough in court anymore to be an effective lawyer for myself. I am really glad I was pro se for so long and I did quite well at it but this new judge is too much for me. I have no savings left, all went to lawyer, but I am happy to not have to work so hard anymore and to have space in my head not taken up with anxiety about writing motions and answering motions and preparing appeals and preparing for a trial.

XO from Gerda


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Good Morning Gerda

It’s good to hear from you. How is the cabin? Any vacation plans / ideas for this year? I suspect son has his driver’s license by now and wants a sports car. smile

Wow, 22 years. Weird being married and not, isn’t it?

Originally Posted by Gerda
That last horrific conference during Lent showed me that I would not be able to think clearly enough in court anymore to be an effective lawyer for myself. I am really glad I was pro se for so long and I did quite well at it but this new judge is too much for me. I have no savings left, all went to lawyer, but I am happy to not have to work so hard anymore and to have space in my head not taken up with anxiety about writing motions and answering motions and preparing appeals and preparing for a trial.

You directly faced and fought the storm for a long time. Rest a bit and let your L do the work.

Originally Posted by Gerda
you will all be glad to know I hired a lawyer.

I’m more glad about:

Originally Posted by Gerda
…I am happy…

I’m really glad to read how that burden is lifted from upon you. Let go as it were. It’s so wonderful having one’s mental real estate their’s to do with as they please.

Hope you are having a great day Gerda.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thanks for stopping by, DnJ! You are right about the burden being lifted though the real burden is the divorce process, and that is harder to crack. I have really made huge strides in living a life I want to live, but it will be so amazing when I am not longer burdened in my thoughts and in how I spend my time and energy by this incredibly stupid and pointless never-ending process. There is literally nothing to argue about and he just keeps it going. I have realized that H likes being tied to me. I have offered him so many times so many deals that are not equitable to me and I know he is in debt and really needs money but he digs in. It makes no rational sense and it's actually a lot worse for him financially not to take my offers but I can see now that he wants to stretch this out as long as possible just to be able to exert this power over my life.

It's really sad actually to consider a soul in that much torment. I do consider that when I am being my best self. My other selves are not so charitable but honestly I would never think of the guy except that my children are once again pipelining the events of his world and his restaurant literally five blocks away, all our old customers and staff who knew what he did now successfully won over as customers, though one of them told he is very very weird. But before the kids were seeing him, I really had so much peace. It's a little harder to deal with the reports but I try to find a balance between letting them talk about what's on their minds and in their lives and being a support on the one hand and on the other having some boundaries of my own so I don't have to hear absolutely everything.

Both kids are more confused and unsettled since they renewed contact but my son is less confused. He asks me a lot about personality disorders and it seems clear he sees his father as he is though he does not want to cut off contact entirely. He is still struggling in all the same ways, but with more clarity and self reflection and lately he talks to me a lot if I go on those late night walks with him, and I just feel so lucky that he confides in me so much. Trying to enjoy every minute before he leaves for college, though he doesn't always make the enjoyment come easy!

And yes, he got his license yesterday in fact and immediately asked if I would rent a car for him to drive around with his friends. He still doesn't understand why I keep saying no! I am thinking of finally buying a crappy old car that he won't want to drive much as I do let him use my rental cars a little bit, with me in the car, but even that is totally not allowed and makes me so nervous. Where I live is really a crazy place to drive!

My D is struggling so much more now that she has been seeing H again. So much rage and feelings of self hatred. She is so mean to me pretty much ALL the time, and digging deep for patience is my constant practice, though I don't always succeed. Yesterday she screamed and cried for hours about how he doesn't love her and how she wished he'd never say it because it's a lie, he just leaves her sitting there for 8 hours a day at the restaurant and even disappears at times and when he is there is drinking all day. She became obsessed with getting skinny after all those years of him commenting on her body, and she lost 40 pounds in like 5 months. Trying to get her to eat healthy has turned into trying to ensure she doesn't starve herself but this also carries a huge risk of fighting about food so it's so hard to navigate. I am trying to encourage her to get that confident boundary-building ability back but it will be a lot easier when I am not under the microscope with this horrible judge and can actually encourage my D to do what she needs to do for herself. I feel so bad for her, she has changed so much, but knowing that my S16 slowly came out of it helps me to remember that she will too.

The cabin is great but oh so much work needed there. I have so many electric questions for you! : ) But no time to go through it all right now. I have been working on the next door rehab project and it's now 6 months past the date we though it would be done. My contractor is awesome but only works on weekends and there has been so many interruptions for illness, supply chain, blizzards, etc., so we are STILL not done. But he is very trustworthy and amazing at what he does and it's impossible to find anyone up there so I just try to keep him happy and moving forward. But when it's done it will be great and then I can go back to dealing with my own cabin more. Gotta do something about those carpenter bees this year!

The thing about that is that I decided to start a flip business about 18 months ago, and this actually happened. I did it. Not perfectly, not funded properly, lots of mess, but I did it. I am sure this is the first of many and I really enjoy it. And in my creative work, I am also doing a lot of projects now and feel good about those too. LBS Folks -- START NOW! FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND START! It actually happens if you start now and if you are willing to do a lot of things at once until finances allow you to weed out the things you don't like. I am not there yet, so I sacrifice too much sleep, but getting closer.

And that's all I have time to post for now.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Good Morning Gerda

Yes H is dragging out the divorce for his own irrational reasons. I agree, there is nothing left to squabble over, yet he persists. Does he still have the same lawyer for all these last years? He fired like four of them before settling in on this one I think. Wow, H’s legal bill will be ginormous.

It’s so good to read that you, under these trying circumstances, made huge strides in your life. Living a life you want to live and how you want to live. I am so happy for you. Lord knows you had a life thrust upon you for quite some time.

My goodness, son going to college. Yes, that will be upon you before you realize. It’s ok if you don’t enjoy every minute, kids certainly do push and test us. Lol. By the way, years later, like when they are 23 and getting married, you definitely enjoy(ed) every minute when looking back. Everything happens for a reason; all the stress has purpose. Have faith, the dividends are worth the investment.

Son’s confiding in you, those late night walks, him seeing rather clearly, is a most welcomed thing to read. Good job Mom! You are the role model. Gently encouraging and guiding.

I’m sorry daughter is struggling again.

Originally Posted by Gerda
My D is struggling so much more now that she has been seeing H again. So much rage and feelings of self hatred. She is so mean to me pretty much ALL the time, and digging deep for patience is my constant practice, though I don't always succeed.

(((Hugs)))

Daughter is lashing out to her safe loving parent - you.

She cannot risk showing her anger towards Dad, to Dad. She cannot risk loosing him, yet. She will grow up, and find her way. Just like son did.

Her feelings of self hatred and rage are her reactions to Dad, turned inward. Unfortunately, and sadly, a common emotional mechanism for the young. As much as it hurts you, daughter lashing out to you is a good thing, it’s a release and doesn’t keep it all bottled up. Absolutely misdirected, for sure, as Dad is the real target, yet she has to start somewhere. Dig deep for patience, realize daughter needs someone to talk to, and she is talking to you in her own way right now. Soon it will become talking with you, instead of to you.

Originally Posted by Gerda
Yesterday she screamed and cried for hours about how he doesn't love her and how she wished he'd never say it because it's a lie, he just leaves her sitting there for 8 hours a day at the restaurant and even disappears at times and when he is there is drinking all day.

It’s a very difficult process and realization to accept; the loss of a Dad (or a Mom). That ideal, that vision, that loving parent that all kids deserve. Such a hard road to journey for these teens/children.

The un-sugarcoated truth. My four kids all had to let, had to watch, their Mom die - inside of themselves. They had to let go and stop struggling against what is. That woman, their loving mother, is not here. Yes, there is a woman before them, and she is very much different. And in horrible ways. Acceptance of such a thing is a painful process.

Grief. The journey to emotionally accepting and understanding a loss. Daughter is seeing it and working it out. Your job dear Gerda, is the unsung one. The task not realized by others who haven’t walked this path. A most difficult rewarding road - remaining consistent, patient, loving, with gentle guidance.

Very good advice on starting. Start now! It doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs one’s willingness to start. Your cabin, a flip business, a rehab project, and many creative works; sounds like you are living a great life.

D


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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Originally Posted by DnJ
Does he still have the same lawyer for all these last years? He fired like four of them before settling in on this one I think. Wow, H’s legal bill will be ginormous.

That was me, DnJ!

H has had the same L the whole time, and this guy is trapped now because even he got suckered into going into debt with H. H does that with everyone -- his AP, his business partner, his parents, and of course Brave Gerda. His L hasn't been paid in probably two years. That's why he is so driven to force a sale. He can't put a lien on a buyout!

Why I had three L's before --

My first lawyer never filed any papers at all, let alone on time, then would call me shrieking and crying about her own H trying to commit suicide as she was also going through a D. So I had to fire her, though she was an amazing L for a friend of mine.

Lawyer two I knew because he helped me once with some other legal matter, came to a meeting with me, and he took a divorce call during the meeting and sounded good. He would have been good, had he not taken all the cases of his mentor, who had just had a heart attack. He never filed for child support, never filed for sole use, just charged me to get into screaming matches with H's L. I finally had to fire him because I was literally paying him to do nothing.

I was going to go pro se but decided to try one more time -- once again, someone highly recommended. This guy was $450 an hour, and he seemed to take a full hour to do what took me pro se 10 minutes to do. Over the 2.5 months I retained him, I left with a bill for 20K and NOTHING HAD HAPPENED except he did manage to get an agreement on sole use, but only by me paying H MORE per month.

I was ready to go pro se either way but then Covid hit and it was either pay a lawyer or keep food on the table. So I've been pro se since March 2020 and I did much better for myself than any of these L's, and paid no one. Though the toll on me with time, stress, anxiety and lost work etc has finally become too big of a cost.

I mentioned I would tell the funny story of how I found my new L --

Every time someone says, "Oh, I have the BEST accountant," or "you will LOVE my pest control company/hair stylist/favorite pizza shop," it seems to NEVER be true. So this time around, I just did a google search and read reviews. I picked one guy who had good reviews and made an appointment. On the way to the apppointment a few days later, I searched for his address on my phone and the search went directly to "(my city)SCUMBAG LAWYERS." I'm not kidding. It was all about how he slept with a client, with a lot of extremely gross details, and then she restored her marriage and she and her H sued him!

I almost gave up at that point, but I just knew I was not going to be able to handle this new judge with a clear head, and I was so TIRED -- so I googled again, and literally chose the guy with good reviews who seemed to have the nicest smile and mentioned his kids on his website. Then I had an appointment, and i LOVED this guy. He is totally pragmatic, kind, smart, funny. Turns out he knows H's L -- he told me that he knew him when he worked with a partner who was even more of a sleazeball; this partner stole money from H's L and kicked him out of the firm in some kind of dastardly way.

With my new L, I stick only to the most important facts, and so does he. We spend almost no billable hours going over anything, just trying to get this one order enforced and that's it. He started trying to negotiate with H's L, and I shut that down. I told him we are following the order or going to trial, no more negotiating as it is pointless. And he is a guy who loves to just laser focus on getting a resolution.

So that is the story. And I think it will be a long while before I post again, no one except you, DnJ, even really stops by my thread anymore and I am too tired of my own journey to read the new stories, though I hope all my threads might help someone new and would love to know if they did.

And if any of my old friends is reading this, I would love to hear from my friends on this board IRL. (GORDIE WHERE ARE YOU?!) (And SBJ and Grace and May and Cardinal and Sage and Eagle and Wayfarer and aaaaaaallllll.)

Thanks for all the support, DnJ. Hope your life continues on that gorgeous path through the literal and figurative trees and for some reason I still have some hope for J and you, worked for Hosea..... And you really are this man -- and I have replaced "law" with "Way," as in the Dao, as in the Way and the Life, as in CS Lewis' vision of the Way across space and time --

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the Way of the LORD,
and on his Way he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

Last edited by Gerda; 05/31/22 02:29 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda,

Finally! You have found a lawyer that you like and is sticking to the facts. It has taken you a long time to find just the right lawyer who will fight for you and your children. I hope he can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel and have this divorce/settlement business settled very soon.

Gerda, you are a fighter and at the end of the day, you will walk away and hopefully your h will be in your rearview mirror for good. As for your children, I think your son has him figured out already, but your daughter will need time to see the light.

Hang in there! Sending positive thoughts your way.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hello Gerda

What a wonderful verse. Thank you dear friend.

I think I might carve that in to wood, stain it, frame it, and place it upon the wall.


I am very happy you have found a good lawyer. He sounds great. I really appreciate laser focused and results oriented; of course, I’m a bit bias towards that. smile

And how you found him is quite the story indeed. Oh my, so glad you had to search the address of the other L. Scumbag Lawyers. Lol. Fate was smiling upon you that day.


Take care Gerda. Stand tall, and walk in the light.

D


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Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hello Gerda. I may not have commented much, but I have been following your thread. I am happy you found a lawyer and I hope that he helps. You have gone through so much. You deserve some good to come out of all your hard work. Thank you for sharing your story. I will miss seeing you out here. I know you will walk the light and get through it. I’m here cheering you on!

Xo.
El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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sjohn -- did it!

Originally Posted by Elbereth
Hello Gerda. I may not have commented much, but I have been following your thread. I am happy you found a lawyer and I hope that he helps. You have gone through so much. You deserve some good to come out of all your hard work. Thank you for sharing your story. I will miss seeing you out here. I know you will walk the light and get through it. I’m here cheering you on!

Xo.
El

Thank you, Elbereth! That means a lot, thank you for following my story and I hope that all goes very well for you, and I'm sorry I have not been posting on your thread or keeping up. I hope you are doing okay.

Job, thank you so much for stopping by and for the three cheers! You are my MLC auntie/mom/guru, so it is always wonderful to hear from you, and even better when you see something in a positive light, since you've seen it all. I send you lots of love and if I am ever going to be near you in MD I will holler.

DnJ, just as you always say, the MLCer will do the work for us, we need not worry. D13 is already starting to limit or cancel visits, she is getting her strength back. She is really really mean to me, and I know what you are saying about that but you have also 2x4'd me on letting them be mean to me, so you understand it's always a balancing act. Overall though I count myself lucky to get to see them everyday, to be the one who is there for them and supports them mentally, financially, spiritually, academically, legally, etc., even if they don't understand or appreciate it (yet)! Far worse would be to be the one who hurt them and who ended up missing everything, I get to see it all, even though some of it is not very nice. About the plaque -- yes, carved and stained and hung on the wall. A reminder of all you are and all you radiate and hopefully also a reminder of one brave little Gerda who stood witness!

Last edited by Gerda; 06/02/22 05:30 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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