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Wolfman,
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I have a very interesting situation come up. I feel like gf is trying to create an exit strategy. It’s just something I feel deep down.
Trust your gut. Time to DB. Remember what I said two weeks ago...

Originally Posted by BL42
This almost sounds like a mini-BD. Are you DB'ing accordingly? Keep working on yourself and being a great dad, and learn how to attract her and make her feel like you want her to be your woman.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
She wants to go back into flying (that was her real job before the pandemic, she got laid off) for a new company.
How much would she make relative to you in the job?

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Which means she would not be home a lot.
You live together, correct? She's living in your house or apartment?

Originally Posted by Traveler
Ask your attorney the range she would be awarded and pay her the minimum. Then, charge that amount in rent.
Interesting idea. Run it by an L. If she demands child support rent seems appropriate.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
And for the last year on and off she has tried to convince me to let her put me on child support. I still don’t feel comfortable, once you get on child support it’s very difficult to get off.
This is a big red flag. Time to consult an L on both support obligations and custody! Knowledge = power.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
I don’t have a good feeling in my gut.
Trust your gut.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
How do I explain to her I don’t want to go on child support, regardless if it’s going to make child care very cheap?
"I'm not comfortable with that at this time."

Originally Posted by Traveler
"I'm not open to voluntary child support." You don't need to explain, justify, etc. Those conversations have tended to go south for you. Listen and validate her feelings about your choice. Leave her to figure out next steps--dropping it, calling an attorney, or squirreling away money, etc. Offer to setup couples' therapy a.s.a.p. if she wants to discuss it
^Agreed.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I need to come to this board more often i think.
Hey Wolf! How are things coming along?

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Hey Wolf! Been a month since we heard from you. I hope when you report back you'll have some positive news--e.g., you kept those weekly dates going and her heart is melting. Whatever the case, I hope you and your son are doing okay.

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Originally Posted by Traveler
Hey Wolf! Been a month since we heard from you. I hope when you report back you'll have some positive news--e.g., you kept those weekly dates going and her heart is melting. Whatever the case, I hope you and your son are doing okay.

THanks for checking up on me. It’s been up and down. She dropped the whole child support thing. She never really felt comfortable with putting the baby in any day care. So, she didn’t pursue the flying job. Things are up and down. I just feel she is very immature and makes small little things into big problems. Yesterday I bbq chicken and burgers. GF went to a baby shower the other day and brought home some food. One of the things being Mac and cheese. My son loves that. So yesterday we were eating dinner all 4 of us. My s ate a little Mac and cheese and a burger. That was it. My son finished gave me a hug and said thanks. And went to the living room. GF replied that was Interesting. I said what was? Her reply, “he said thank you to you and not me.” I said well it because I bbq and he ate the burger. She said, well he had Mac and cheese and I brought that home for him. I said I know that but he didn’t know that. She says, he never says thank you to me. She said well I seasoned the chicken. I said I know but he didn’t eat the chicken. She goes this is what I mean I am not appreciated. I said he says thank you a lot. Her reply, he barely says it and doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him. My next response probably not the best, but I am getting fed up. She just looks for reasons to attack my son. I said are you just looking for an argument. She stormed off and left me with the baby. She went in the bedroom and closed the door.

My question to everyone is this. My s is 12. She expects him to say thank you for every little thing she does. Granted I speak to him because he should. Like when she does his laundry, she wants him to come to her and say thank you. Every night for dinner, when she cooks. To me, what 12 boy is going to do that. Her expectations are in my opinion ridiculous. If once and a while he doesn’t say it does that mean we need to get into an argument? Are my expectations too low or are here too high? I think about my friends kids, they don’t say thank you for every little thing?

The other thing is, I am tired of how she wants me to respond. She has a complaint which is often I am just supposed to say ok. Even if I think she is wrong or it is a mistake. The double standard too. She can do something, but if I do the same thing it’s a problem. I am getting fed up. It just has to be her way. Oh and she just told me she is not emotionally there. One of the contributing factors is the crazy ex and my s. She brings up how my situation causes her a lot of unnecessary stress. It’s like she wants me to get rid of my s, and then we wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore.
I work 2 jobs, we are financially tight, the minute I get home I take the baby, I help clean, I do most of the cooking in the summer (bbq). For her birthday I surprised her with a trip at the end of the summer to her country to see her family, even though money is really tight. I feel like I am in another relationship where what I do is not enough. Like I am supposed to me a submissive man and just bow down to these women. Which is not me and never will be.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I just feel she is very immature and makes small little things into big problems. Yesterday I bbq chicken and burgers.
Well I am guessing that is how it feels when you are in your 40s and your GF is in her 20s.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
GF went to a baby shower the other day and brought home some food. One of the things being Mac and cheese. My son loves that. So yesterday we were eating dinner all 4 of us. My s ate a little Mac and cheese and a burger. That was it. My son finished gave me a hug and said thanks. And went to the living room. GF replied that was Interesting. I said what was? Her reply, “he said thank you to you and not me.” I said well it because I bbq and he ate the burger. She said, well he had Mac and cheese and I brought that home for him. I said I know that but he didn’t know that. She says, he never says thank you to me. She said well I seasoned the chicken. I said I know but he didn’t eat the chicken. She goes this is what I mean I am not appreciated. I said he says thank you a lot. Her reply, he barely says it and doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him. My next response probably not the best, but I am getting fed up. She just looks for reasons to attack my son. I said are you just looking for an argument. She stormed off and left me with the baby. She went in the bedroom and closed the door.
Have you ever tried validation instead of discounting her feelings?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
My question to everyone is this. My s is 12. She expects him to say thank you for every little thing she does. Granted I speak to him because he should. Like when she does his laundry, she wants him to come to her and say thank you. Every night for dinner, when she cooks. To me, what 12 boy is going to do that.
I would say no for the laundry but yes for the cooking. That wouldn't hurt him.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Her expectations are in my opinion ridiculous. If once and a while he doesn’t say it does that mean we need to get into an argument? Are my expectations too low or are here too high? I think about my friends kids, they don’t say thank you for every little thing?
Again if you haven't learned that everyone is entitled to their feelings you have learned nothing here Wolfman.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
The other thing is, I am tired of how she wants me to respond. She has a complaint which is often I am just supposed to say ok. Even if I think she is wrong or it is a mistake. The double standard too.
Or uuummm validation.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Like I am supposed to me a submissive man and just bow down to these women. Which is not me and never will be.
I'd say right now she is wearing the pants my friend. So how can you change that?

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Thank you LH. I am not good at all at this validation. The age gap definitely plays a role too.
LH you said she is wearing the pants. I agree. I don’t know how to get it back. When I try to be a dominant male it turns into an argument. She always wants to be in control. I even see it with the baby. If he doesn’t listen to her, because he is a baby she gets frustrated. She just expects everyone to do what she says and that’s it. Even with the baby, if I do something different than what she says, forget it. I’m starting g to believe this might not be the right relationship. I will still try and make it work for the sake of the baby. Eventually when I feel I tried everything I might have to walk away. LH - the other thing is the feelings. I am tired of feelings. How about logic, how about evaluate the situation and understand that it’s not that bad. If we disagree, yes it can hurt someone’s feelings but to throw the whole situation out of proportion because you are not happy in the moment is ridiculous.

2 other things I want to talk about. Just had another conversation with GF.

1 that really struck me. She said she wants to feel madly in love with me all the time, like she can’t live without me and she doesn’t feel like that all the time. Is it just me, or does ANY relationship feel like that all the time? That is something in fairy tales. Just like my ex they feel life is supposed to be perfect all the time, and when it’s not, it’s the most horrible thing in the world.

2. This one is concerning. She is saying things that my ex has said I have done. That is I am causing her anxiety. My ex said the same thing. I don’t know what to do. I feel unless I am skipping around and happy all the time I cause them anxiety. The minute I am not happy or joking around I get called grumpy. I don’t get it, am I not allowed to have feelings. WhAt, am I just supposed to listen to everything they say and do what they say, can’t have an opinion on anything. So, I feel like this is something I am supposed to fix but I think they are asking the impossible.
I am supposed to be happy all the time, do what they say, and always worry about their feelings.
I am beyond confused. I feel when 2 women are telling me the same thing, there is some validity to it, but I also feel what they want me to do is the impossible.


M:42 XW:41
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D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
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Moved in: 9/18/18
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D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Well wolf if I had to make a educated guess it is because you are so argumentative that they feel like they are walking on eggshells all the time. Every feeling they express to you becomes an argument because of your defensiveness.

Probably should have worked on this more before entering another relationship.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Well wolf if I had to make a educated guess it is because you are so argumentative that they feel like they are walking on eggshells all the time. Every feeling they express to you becomes an argument because of your defensiveness.

Probably should have worked on this more before entering another relationship.

I hate to say this, but LH is right. If anyone ever expressed a feeling and they know they are going to get a defensive response, they are going to have anxiety and walk on eggshells all the time . And their perception is skewed, but I imagine they don’t want to feel madly in love all the time, but rather not feel like everything they say or do or feel is wrong

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I hate to say this, but LH is right.
I love you too G-money!

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Originally Posted by LH19
Well wolf if I had to make a educated guess it is because you are so argumentative that they feel like they are walking on eggshells all the time. Every feeling they express to you becomes an argument because of your defensiveness.

Probably should have worked on this more before entering another relationship.

Thank you. How do I work on this. Let’s say if I think someone is wrong, how do I handle that then? Just always validate? I am so confused. I hate that I make these mistakes. I don’t want my loved ones to feel like that.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Originally Posted by LH19
Well wolf if I had to make a educated guess it is because you are so argumentative that they feel like they are walking on eggshells all the time. Every feeling they express to you becomes an argument because of your defensiveness.

Probably should have worked on this more before entering another relationship.

I hate to say this, but LH is right. If anyone ever expressed a feeling and they know they are going to get a defensive response, they are going to have anxiety and walk on eggshells all the time . And their perception is skewed, but I imagine they don’t want to feel madly in love all the time, but rather not feel like everything they say or do or feel is wrong

Thank you Ginger. How do I communicate better than? Just listen and validate all the time? How do I respond how I feel then? Or if I really don’t agree with a position? Please help me and give me some examples. Ugh I am a dope at communication.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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