People are so interesting in how they view things differently. My H and I have a similar night-time ritual to what you describe with your gf's love language. Our ritual started out of necessity kind of....my H had a job that required him to get up and leave our house really early, and it was a very physically demanding job, so he would need to go to bed early to rest. In order for us to have much time together in the evenings, we started going to bed early and watching tv and he'd fall asleep before me (which neither of us minded because we were still there together). I had never had a tv in my room as an adult, but both my XH and my current husband insisted on it so here we are. Anyway, even after Sparky changed jobs, we still kept that as our little night-time ritual, just pushing the time back a bit. So, now, we usually go to bed and watch tv for an hour or so, cuddle, chit chat, whatever. And, now I'm usually the one who falls asleep. Neither of us are bothered by that, but your gf clearly is so you need to figure out how to stay awake. Maybe you aren't a tv person so you could suggest something else y'all could do (NOT SEXUAL) like playing cards or just talking or reading together or something that you might both find relaxing. Just a thought. I like the time my H and I share with our little ritual, but again, neither of us mind if the other falls asleep so it isn't an issue for us like it is for your gf. Traveler suggested staying out of bed and watching tv, but if you are anything like me, I can fall asleep just as easy watching tv on the couch, so that wouldn't really solve the problem. LOL Maybe I'm just old. LOL
As far as her talking to a therapist but not finding a relationship therapist. Why can't she/you do both? I mean honestly, if she wants to talk to someone herself and then wants to seek counseling with you as well, I don't think that is a bad thing. You keep saying she didn't find a relationship person like you are accusing her of doing something bad. It doesn't seem bad to me. She just wanted to talk to someone. Maybe she's waiting for YOU to take the lead on the counselor for your joint sessions. TALK TO HER about it and don't just assume. You said you were good with her talking to someone on her own so be supportive of that. Don't go in and accuse her of talking to someone on her own but not getting someone for both of you. That might really backfire on you.
I think those who mentioned date nights are on to something. Scheduled nights where you go do something you both enjoy outside of the house with no pressure or expectations of anything. I would disagree with Traveler in that I wouldn't ask her father a d@mn thing because he clearly isn't terribly supportive of her, but otherwise, I agree with what he posted above. Plan fun bonding date activities, day or night. Start with something she really likes to do to get her engaged.
And please, please, PLEASE stop trying to keep score. You keep talking about how you are trying to fulfill her love language but she is ignoring yours. Keeping score NEVER works out well in any of these scenarios, so just let it go. Either you want to connect to her in her love language because you love her or because you want something from her. Figure out which of those you fall into then work from there accordingly, but don't keep tally. That's honestly not fair to either of you or your relationship as a whole.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Wolfman, It seems like you are walking a very fine line. If you do things for your g/f you don't want to do - you will build up EVEN more resentment & Anger. It's time to look inward - figure out what's important to you.. and to be honest with yourself. I ask these questions without judgment.
Are you hesitant to give up some gym time? Why? What does it provide for you? What are you perceive will happen if you give a few days up a week?
What do you think quality time of watching TV means to your g/f? Do you want to love your g/f the way she is asking? Is it important to YOU to fullfill her needs in this way?
Once you have some of these answers - are you able to communicate it with her. If there are answers you don't like - are you able to work on them within yourself?
For example: Substitute your g/f with you son. Would you stay up an extra hour to spend time with him. Answering this question would reveal alot about how you are feeling about your g/f
I totally get the exhaustion. I work very demanding hours (17 hour shift on Monday). It's important to me to make time for my partner when I get home from work. Time is her second love language.. and it's important to ME that I treat her in that way. Some days I just don't have it - and that's okay... it's about the motive. I'm not just doing it because it's important to her.. I'm doing it because it's important to ME to treat her that way. Doing it for me eliminates my need to be angry at her.. because it's not about her. I hope that makes sense...
Looking forward to hearing the answers to the questions posted above. Hang in there... Rough Seasons of life are never easy... but you can do this.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Last edited by job; 05/23/2204:26 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
