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You are receiving great comments, Wolf. I totally agree with OwnIt's overall point that it is NOT the job of a therapist to decide which person is right then convince the other person. Therapists should be impartial and help both parties find a middle ground. If someone has a therapist who is trying to tell someone they are right and convince the other person, that just sounds like bad therapy to me...but that is my own personal opinion.

I really just wanted to say a couple of things that a few others have already said too. First, you say, Wolf, that physical touch is your love language, but gf accuses you of only wanting sex when you mention that. While sex is obviously physical touch, physical touch can also be a wide variety of things from hand holding to hugging to just being near enough to put your hands on each other in a reassuring, affectionate way, but not a groping, need sex now kind of way. It concerns me that you've not had sex in a year, because honestly Wolf, I have lived that life in a relationship and it takes its toll. To me, all of this says more about the lack of communication you have with gf than anything else, so maybe counseling would do you both good in helping you learn to communicate more effectively. Having said that, though, I completely agree with LH's last comment. If your gf is interested in counseling and working on the relationship, it will be a good thing. If she's not interested, well, it would really be a waste of time and money. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves so if you are willing to work and she's not, it is kind of fighting a losing battle and you might be better off to cut your losses.

I think it was kml who kind of laid out your situation that your gf is much younger than you and you were questioning whether you even wanted to stay in it with her and then she got pregnant "accidentally" (there are LOTS of ways to prevent that!). That her own father asked how you deal with her is telling of how she is and what it tells me is that the men in her life have always catered to her and she's done whatever she wanted.

You seem to criticize her parenting a lot, but again, I think it was kml who pointed out that SHE is the boots on the ground when it comes to raising your child so yeah, she probably does have a little more skin in the game, so to speak. That doesn't mean that you aren't also the child's parent and that your feelings aren't valid. Just try to see it from her point of view. She's in a high stress situation, you are in a high stress situation, and y'all need to learn how to work through it together. It seems unreasonable to me that she would expect you to prioritize her child differently than your other children, but as unreasonable as it seems, I can also kind of see where she is coming from. Now, I don't think she's right, but I just kind of "get it" so to speak.

What it all boils down to, in my opinion, is y'all need to communicate better.


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Wolfman,

Sorry about your situation. It must be stressful to deal with drama on two fronts.

Quick question - why do you see (have partial custody of?) S12, but not D14? What's the background?

Lots of good discussion and advice from others, so I won't reiterate everything, but this jumped out...

Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am having problems with my current gf. She is having a hard time “sharing” me with my s.
The reality is you have two children from another marriage. That will never change. If your girlfriend can't accept that, it's a major red flag for her and should probably be a deal breaker if it persists. S12 and D14 are always going to have to be a top priority in your life. Not that they're more important than your new baby, but they should be equally as important. Do not let your GF push them aside and out of your life. Your children (all of them) should be your #1 priority, not your GF or ExW.


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Originally Posted by BL42
Quick question - why do you see (have partial custody of?) S12, but not D14? What's the background?
A quick recap of what may be painful for Wolfman to repeat--

Wolfman had a bitter divorce. D14 refused to visit Wolfman after a) expressing he was forcing his GF onto her and b) seeing her mom and Wolfman get into a physical altercation over a laptop. They now do handoffs at a police station.

Wolfman's custody was limited to therapy sessions. Wolfman feels his XW's anger towards him alienated D14, and points to D14 making a big deal about his GF, but not making a big deal about his XW's new BF. Also, anything he'd done that had physically scared D14, other family members had done worse and D14 wouldn't talk about those. He spent therapy trying to prove parental alienation. The therapy sessions ended without improving relations between Wolfman and D14.

He temporarily ran out of energy and $$$ to fight for D14 given the newborn.

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Wow Thank you all for the advice and questions, I really appreciate it. I am going to try and address a lot of the comments and questions, If I miss any, I apologize.

LH you asked how can i connect with her. She has expressed to me that she needs time to heal and that a lot has happened a it takes time. I do understand that to a certain extent. She brings up things from a year ago. i ask what can i do to help heal these wounds? She said it just takes time and not make any of those mistakes again.

Some of you brought my comment about my love language as being touch. i express to her that she used to randomly sit on my lap, just give me a random kiss and she doesnt do those things anymore. We do hold hands when we go out, even when we are sleeping in bed. But that is it. If I do initiate $ex forget it, most of the time there is something that is more important. Some examples: At night she will say she is too tired or would rather just watch tv. I understand her being tired. So during the day when the baby takes a nap, she will say she either has to clean, make food or some sort of chore. A lot of times i will come up behind her and put my arms around her and give her a kiss on the cheek. I either get she is busy and a little annoyed I am bothering her or just seems disinterested, she wont even turn and hug me back or kiss me back. So, if at night you are too tired and during the day you are too busy, when do I fit in? Im not looking for it everyday, but man once and a while would be nice. I want to ask you all. Am I asking for too much? Are my expectations too high? Maybe I am wrong but One of the issues in a relationship is a $exle$$ marriage (relationship). I am getting very frustrated feeling "no love".

Her love language is time. At night she just wants to lay in bed together and watch tv. Which i do most nights. The one thing that is hard is for me to stay awake. Back in September i started a new routine. To go to the gym before work. So, I am up at 4:30 am and go to the gym for an hour, then go to work. So by 9pm, i am exhausted. Thats usually the time we have our down time, so a lot of times we will start watching tv and i will fall asleep, and she gets annoyed with me, that is supposed to be our quality time together. One thing, I am trying to fulfill her love language, even though I fail sometimes because I fall asleep. But its like she doesnt have to fill my love language. Also, it would be nice to me intimate once and a while. Just to clarify, i might have said it wrong we are intimate once every other month, THATS IT!!

Counseling: she is open to it. She wants to try. But something very interesting happened the other day. She said she had a telahealth appointment with her OBGYN and asked me to watch the baby. I said no problem. The appointment went for an hour. So, I knew immediately it wasn't. When she came back to the room after the appointment, i said that was pretty long (she explained to me earlier that the OBGYN was just following up with her because she had a c section). I said what did they ask you about the c section? You started to stutter, which she never does and i knew right away it was a therapist. So, I asked did you speak with a therapist? She hesitated and said yeah. I asked her why did she lie to me? What was the big deal. Her response was, I don't know with you. Side note in the last year there have been some things that have happened i have not spoken about. I do apologize, i need to include that info, it is a lot i will include it in another post soon. I said to her that i thought that was good that she was speaking to someone. But in my mind a little confused why she didn't try and get a relationship counselor. Side note through our insurance they are supposed to provide one, but my insurance says the person retired and have not replaced them with anyone yet. Her insurance is different so maybe they same happened to her, i should have asked. Also, wanting a relationship therapist, I am not looking for someone to tell me who is right and who is wrong, but how we can compromise and figure things out. Not looking for a judge, looking more for a mediator.

Giving my input about the baby: I want to make sure that i am always involved. My ex threw that in my face when we were getting divorced that she made all the decisions for the kids and made me feel like i was a bad father because i wasn't involved in all the decisions. I don't ever want to feel like that again. Even though I did everything with my kids, when It came to making decisions ex: Dr.'s, medicine, nap times, clothes to wear, etc, I left that too my ex. Then in divorce she threw that in my face. Thats why i feel I need to be a part of every decision now. It really stinks to feel that way.

Traveler thank you for explaining my situation.

i hope I was able to address a lot of questions and comments. Thanks again everyone


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I'll wait until you post more until I comment.

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I remember having babies and feeling like someone wanted something from me every moment of the day, and at times sex felt like just another thing someone wanted from me (even though I was not in a sex starved marriage and our sex life was good).

The answer to that, I think, is date night. Get a good reliable sitter and start having regular date nights. She needs the space to get away from child rearing. You need to woo her.

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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Her love language is time. At night she just wants to lay in bed together and watch tv. Which i do most nights. The one thing that is hard is for me to stay awake. Back in September i started a new routine. To go to the gym before work. So, I am up at 4:30 am and go to the gym for an hour, then go to work. So by 9pm, i am exhausted. Thats usually the time we have our down time, so a lot of times we will start watching tv and i will fall asleep, and she gets annoyed with me, that is supposed to be our quality time together.
Ok so what did you learn after your divorce? Apparently nothing. If you love someone you WANT to fulfill their needs without expectations. What are your priorities? Her or the gym? Why don't you try fulfilling her needs w/o falling asleep for six months and see what happens?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Thats usually the time we have our down time, so a lot of times we will start watching tv and i will fall asleep, and she gets annoyed with me, that is supposed to be our quality time together.
That's because when you fall asleep she doesn't feel loved and valued.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
But its like she doesnt have to fill my love language.
Pretty sure this attitude got you divorced the first time.

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Originally Posted by kml
You need to woo her.
WTF?

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Originally Posted by Wolfman
So, if at night you are too tired and during the day you are too busy, when do I fit in? Im not looking for it everyday, but man once and a while would be nice. I want to ask you all. Am I asking for too much? Are my expectations too high?
Wolf, she's probably not attracted to you just now. Yes, it's too much to expect someone who's not attracted to you to have regular sex with you. Work on the long game of attraction.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
So, I am up at 4:30 am and go to the gym for an hour, then go to work. So by 9pm, i am exhausted. Thats usually the time we have our down time, so a lot of times we will start watching tv and i will fall asleep, and she gets annoyed with me, that is supposed to be our quality time together.
Wolf, problem solve. "Her love language is quality time, I get up at 4:30am to go to the gym, so I'm too tired to watch TV in bed at 9pm." A few ideas--(1) watch TV outside your bedroom. I've never as an adult had a TV in my bedroom. You'll be less sleepy if you're in the living room. (2) Get home gym equipment and/or videos and/or online fitness group, which saves time and costs less than going to the gym, (3) Sit in a chair next to the bed instead of laying in the bed.

I'll also ask--do you ENJOY watching TV with her? I don't watch TV with most of my GFs because I'm not a TV person, with few exceptions where our tastes 110% aligned. Hopefully, you are watching TV with her because vegging in front of the TV does something for you, and cuddling up with her gets you touch, so it's only the staying awake you're doing for her.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
So, I asked did you speak with a therapist? She hesitated and said yeah. I asked her why did she lie to me? What was the big deal. Her response was, I don't know with you.
Uhoh. She sounds afraid. Given this has been a pattern in your life if there's ANY merit to her fears, taking concrete actions to address whatever led to those fears should be your focus.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
But in my mind a little confused why she didn't try and get a relationship counselor.
You said it was "good", so don't undermine that by asking her to justify it.

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Originally Posted by Wolf
The answer to that, I think, is date night. Get a good reliable sitter and start having regular date nights. She needs the space to get away from child rearing. You need to woo her.
Yes! An escape from the children and enjoying romance and dates together could help dramatically. Pick things you both enjoy. Have fun, bonding times. Date days. Date nights. This is something concrete you could ask her father for help with. One warning--NO EXPECTATIONS. Most single people don't expect a dinner date to lead to sex, but some married people do. The moment you add those expectations, the moment you've completely undermined the point.

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