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bttrfly #2934265 05/24/22 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
I really love the freedom to do what I want.

I'm starting to have these feelings as well once and a while, and wow, this is the best!

Enjoy xxx


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - .... OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
Eagle3 #2934268 05/24/22 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Eagle3
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I really love the freedom to do what I want.

I'm starting to have these feelings as well once and a while, and wow, this is the best!

Enjoy xxx
Eagle, I believe it's Divine reward for the LBS to compensate for all the pain and BS we go through.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
bttrfly #2934360 05/28/22 12:04 PM
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something on D's thread made me think about this:
in retrospect i'm pretty sure now that i didn't take the massive boulders out of the path home. i was honest, but maybe i should have been more reticent. how does someone come back when their spouse says, "i don't think you understand. once this divorce goes through i'm not going to want to speak to you again for a very, very long time." yes. I said that to my exh. I was not angry when I said it, so there was no way he could think it was said in the heat of anger. I was clear: you let this divorce go through, then that's it. we are done.

how does someone come back when their spouse tells them to stop saying I love you? Yeah, I put the boundary down for no cake eating but I also didn't make it easy to come back, so he didn't, even if he was thinking about it.

After BD, months after, I finally told my parents, who were utterly devastated. To them it was like losing a child, they loved my exh that much. Dad was a man of few words. It took him another while to feel comfortable talking to me about the situation. His words, "Don't you ever take him back. Do you hear me? You will never be able to trust him again."

Now, I know we're supposed to be re-building our marriages. That's why we're here, right? And I wanted my marriage desperately, the family we'd built together. I wanted the light to come back in my son's eyes. But, perversely, I also pushed my h away when he would make steps towards me, and at the time I didn't know why. It wasn't because I wanted to hurt him - which is an obvious thought. I've come to understand that it was because i was so deeply hurt that I couldn't bear to be around him. i couldn't stop thinking about all he'd said and done. I couldn't rise above. I didn't have the faith necessary to believe there would be change for the better.

and I'm honest enough to admit this: I don't have it in me to forgive AND reconcile. Forgive, sure. Give a second chance to destroy everything I value most? Nope. Won't do it. Will. Not. One and done. Sorry. I don't know how people can reconcile. I have a cousin who married and divorced the same person THREE TIMES. God bless those folks. Sincerely, I mean that. I am not one of them. I stood to the best of my ability until our divorce was final. That was my line in the sand. The whole while, he had 2.0/Vista on the side. He was making his tentative steps home, while having her on the side. I'm sure she'd love to know that, wouldn't she? Except she isn't going to ever hear it from me. And I didn't even know she was there. I just knew I was never going to feel the same about him again, and he knew it too.

Some things you just can't come back from.

And maybe, just maybe, that's the one thing I've yet to forgive myself for: my unwillingness to ever open myself up to exh again, to trust again. I did not want to live the rest of my life with the Sword of Damocles over my head, never being able to truly relax or let down my guard. We are complex, we humans. We all have our limits. This is mine.

Last edited by bttrfly; 05/28/22 12:13 PM.

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
bttrfly #2934362 05/28/22 01:55 PM
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ok it's not a lack of faith. there wasn't concrete evidence of remorse, regret, or change. i'm honest enough to also admit that had there been such evidence I'm still not sure I would have given a second chance.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
bttrfly #2934364 05/28/22 02:23 PM
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People say love is the most important thing in a marriage. I don’t agree. I think it’s trust. Once it’s gone it’s hard to get back. One of my bfs Ws cheated 17 years ago and he still can’t get over it and it has pretty much destroyed his marriage. To be too hard on yourself for not keeping the road paved smoothly home. I didn’t/don’t either. It’s not in my DNA.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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bttrfly #2934365 05/28/22 02:26 PM
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Trust is freely given. Once broken, very hard to get back. Love has nothing to do with it. I freely admit I still love my ex. I trust him as far as I can throw a blue whale.

thanks LH. I do believe I've beaten myself up about this long enough.

Last edited by bttrfly; 05/28/22 02:28 PM.

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
bttrfly #2934366 05/28/22 03:21 PM
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Quote
ok it's not a lack of faith. there wasn't concrete evidence of remorse, regret, or change.

This right here.

And having boundaries is not an obstacle to a spouse returning. I’ve seen the most reconciliations here where the LBS had firm boundaries and gave the WAS a glimpse of what life without them was going to be like.

He was lying to you all that time that you didn’t know he was with her. He traveled back and forth between two lives all that time. You weren’t on an even playing field. Stop beating yourself up. You made it perfectly clear you wanted the marriage, but he was already living a new life with Vista 2.0. That you cut off the cake-eating after divorce was a healthy boundary.

bttrfly #2934367 05/28/22 03:23 PM
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actually i cut off the cake eating before the d.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
bttrfly #2934368 05/28/22 03:31 PM
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I hate when I see LBS feeding fuching cake in Newcomers. Drives me nutzo lol.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
bttrfly #2934369 05/28/22 03:31 PM
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Which was good.

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