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bttrfly #2934992 06/16/22 06:04 PM
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my point is that I was dishonest. I didn't address it. I need to own that. Not wallow in it, but definitely own it.

Who knows? He may have learned that vicious comments designed to crush your spouse aren't going to get you what you want in an argument. He may have learned to be a better man.

Not my pig, not my farm. 2.0 can deal with it now. My focus needs to be on my mistakes and my ownership so that I can forgive myself and move forward.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
bttrfly #2934995 06/16/22 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
my point is that I was dishonest. I didn't address it. I need to own that. Not wallow in it, but definitely own it.

Who knows? He may have learned that vicious comments designed to crush your spouse aren't going to get you what you want in an argument. He may have learned to be a better man.

Not my pig, not my farm. 2.0 can deal with it now. My focus needs to be on my mistakes and my ownership so that I can forgive myself and move forward.


Who were you dishonest with....

And why exactly ?

No excuses, no BS, no being a victim....

WHY ?





I know that you layed it all out previously....

Pinpoint your problems to pinpoint your answers....

Aim small , miss small....

Mach1 #2935000 06/16/22 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
my point is that I was dishonest. I didn't address it. I need to own that. Not wallow in it, but definitely own it.

Who knows? He may have learned that vicious comments designed to crush your spouse aren't going to get you what you want in an argument. He may have learned to be a better man.

Not my pig, not my farm. 2.0 can deal with it now. My focus needs to be on my mistakes and my ownership so that I can forgive myself and move forward.


Who were you dishonest with....

And why exactly ?

No excuses, no BS, no being a victim....

WHY ?





I know that you layed it all out previously....

Pinpoint your problems to pinpoint your answers....

Aim small , miss small....

Rhetorical questions or do you want me to lay this out here? I'm happy to do either.
lmk


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
bttrfly #2935003 06/16/22 07:49 PM
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Hey B lady....

That's your call....

I say that because that is what helped me get through MY process that I had laid out above....

Knowing the absolute truth about what I was guilty of...

And that came from me...

Writing it down and journaling it helped me see MY truth in things.

Simpler was better, that's why I was thinking to pinpoint things into a couple sentences rather than a novelette....


Whatever is easier for you, because the answers are for you anyway...I don't need them..

bttrfly #2935007 06/16/22 09:26 PM
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Hey Mach,
Yup this is similar to my process, which follows the 4th step model ... the turnarounds are key - what's my part in it? - and writing it is also key, because you cannot deny the written word.

well, some can, but I can't.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
bttrfly #2935044 06/18/22 02:49 PM
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Good Morning bttrfly

Originally Posted by bttrfly
What I've since come to believe is that I don't need to trust anyone else as much as I need to trust myself. No one can ever betray me to the extent that I could betray myself. If I'm honest and trustworthy with myself than someone else's betrayal may hurt, but not devastate me (I think - no real world working knowledge of this to date, so it's my working hypothesis).

Our trust of others is an extension of our trust of self.

One who cheats and lies, cannot believe others for they see the world as such.

One who displays faith and trust in others, has a firm grasp of that within themselves.

Yes I agree, when you are honest and trustworthy with yourself, someone else’s possible betrayal will not be as devastating. This healed stance is not solely from self trust. Self awareness, inner work, compassion, forgiveness, etc, all make us better (not bitter) which reflects outward.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
…I vowed internally to never help him again with the running of our family. The place could burn down around us and I would leave him to fix it on his own. This was from pride, ego and anger at the deeply unjust attack. I never ever told him any of this.

Not even when we went to marriage counseling a few years later.

I never even told our marriage counselor in our private meeting.

I told no one.

(((Hugs)))

Pride, ego, anger. How about fear?

This is your seed that is at the crux of your self forgiveness. Counterintuitively, not watering it, does not help. As you said, be open, honest, and trustworthy with self. By the way, that seed will grow into something amazing, trust in yourself and give it and you some light.

Forgiveness and trust are pretty entangled.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Maybe forgiveness doesn't include a lack of sadness.

Spot on. You are absolutely correct.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
bttrfly #2935049 06/18/22 05:34 PM
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the eff you response was pride, ego, anger and yes, deep, deep hurt.

fear was what stopped me from talking about it.

would it have made any difference? we will never know. I can only address things in real time. Dealing with it now, I've found freedom from it.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
bttrfly #2935093 06/21/22 01:56 AM
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so son and his gf went away for the weekend to visit her family and spend father's day with her folks and gparents. I'm glad son had a fine example of a close family who has accepted him, and by all accounts really care for him. Of course he once again charmed gf's Italian Nana, who was happy to ply son with lots and lots and lots of food.

The thing is, for the first time in quite literally years I was by myself for two days and one night, with everyone I love being safe and not needing to worry. I got to baby sit my grand-ducks, who are growing and adorable and NOT FOOD, ANDREW!!!

I missed my dad, opted to not do anything over there on Sunday. Instead I did things that reminded me of my dad and thought a lot about how I want to live my life moving forward. Things are so different here, vs where we lived while we were married. I'm 45 - 60 minutes and a $30 car ride from my circle and where I spent almost 20 years of my life. It's lovely here, don't get me wrong, and I don't want to move back there - I love my cousins and I have two close friends who are 30 minutes away. It's just ... not the same. My life is less full than it was, because I haven't re-established myself here. Rotten timing (Covid) coupled with family responsibilities. .. now those are not really here any more - so, what to do?

I have zero answers.

That's ok.

The people who bought our marital home have enjoyed a $500k increase in 6 years and are now renting it for 3 1/2 x what our mortgage was. . . using photos from our listing - so our furniture, our color scheme, our photos and art on the wall. I'm trying very hard not to get a resentment about this, because it's pointless. Don't look back ... that's not where I'm going. It does seem more like another lifetime rather than something I lived through. Is this detachment? Self-preservation?

My body is freaking out again due to stress. I'm having a major allergic reaction to some mosquito bites. I took some time today to go to the beach and the salt water did help tremendously. I brought home two gallons.

I don't know what I want to say other than this journey I'm on? I'm kind of tired of it. I don't want to feel like a visitor in my own life. My energy level is low, my adrenals are still shot. I'm working on re-building them but I'm really, really not feeling motivated. I've been told by most everyone that I'm overwhelmed and it will pass. I hope so.

I've much that I'm truly grateful for and I do have a semi-plan. It's just getting the energy to execute that plan is a bit of a slog right now.

Oh well. Nuff from me.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
bttrfly #2935112 06/21/22 04:29 PM
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Hello.

I can relate to your frustrations above. My dream home that we sold increased in value right after we sold it even more…but I am also trying not to stress about that as it’s impossible to predict the future and it could have lost value as well in that time frame. But it is hard…I get it. I’m trying to not stress about it too. Especially as my portion of the proceeds is much of what will be my retirement…which is already behind after two divorces.

I’m also still struggling with stress and my bodies reaction to it. I felt like I started to get it under control and then it returned with the move to my new place and the divorce process happening at the same time. I’ve not had a lot of time to do self care and that hasn’t helped. But I did see progress when I made sure I did self care (like a beach walk) every few days. Keep pushing forward and do things that feed your soul. And hopefully, then our bodies will adjust as well.

I’m also trying a five day fasting program for a reset. It’s supposed to help with inflammation and I think I’ve had a lot of that from stress. Plus, I’ve felt so exhausted for so long, I thought it might help to reset that feeling too. It involves some food so I’m not completely starving. And it’s not so bad…just a few hunger pains. I’m on day 4 of 5 (and 6th day is a transition day) and I have taken no meds during this time (as well as no sleeping aids) and I have been on limited caffeine, and I have to say it definitely feels different. On one hand I slept 10 hours the night before last, but last night I couldn’t sleep until way past midnight but was wide awake by 5:45 am. With energy. Not in a comatose state. So that is progress! Might be something to try. There are many different ways to fast so you have lots of options to choose from.

Sending you hugs. We got this.

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
AP for at least 6 mos prior and still ongoing...



bttrfly #2935127 06/22/22 01:39 AM
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Hello bttrfly

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I got to baby sit my grand-ducks, who are growing and adorable and NOT FOOD, ANDREW!!!

LOL!

Originally Posted by bttrfly
It does seem more like another lifetime rather than something I lived through. Is this detachment? Self-preservation?

In my opinion and view - life’s transition.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I don't know what I want to say other than this journey I'm on? I'm kind of tired of it. I don't want to feel like a visitor in my own life. My energy level is low, my adrenals are still shot. I'm working on re-building them but I'm really, really not feeling motivated. I've been told by most everyone that I'm overwhelmed and it will pass. I hope so.

(((Hugs)))

A visitor in my own life. Yep, I was there. I felt so overwhelmed. Yet, each step moves us forward.

There are parts of our journeys that are quite a slog. And become rather tiresome. And it does pass.

Keep moving forward, and that plan will come to fruition.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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