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I have expressed to her my love language is touch, but all I get when I say anything which is rare, all I care about is $ex and that she is emotionally not there.

Sex and physical touch are not the same things. Clarify to her that you're talking about handholding, hugging, snuggling etc. Also - what are HER love languages and are you speaking them?

As for the nap debate - an exhausted mom caring full time for a toddler (the HARDEST job I have ever done, and that's saying a lot!) is not going to think you correcting her about nap time is helpful. You may have had kids before but she is the one on the ground doing the work during the day. I can see where she would object to your input on that, especially if it makes her feel like you are coming off as a know-it-all (and unless you were the primary caretaker home full-time with your other two kids when they were this age, you DON'T know it all and are just comparing what she does with what your exW did, which is gonna come off even worse).

As for the bigger picture - does she even express wanting to be in a relationship with you in the future, or do you think she is just staying for now because it's the only practical thing financially? Do you think she will be open to couples counseling?

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Wolfman, I'm sorry that things feel so out of kilter for you now and it is difficult to discern the path that would be best. A couple of things from your post really stood out for me. The first--I would not want to date a man that would put me before his children (and definitely not one who asked me to put him above mine). But also I would not want to date a man who keeps a list of the order he puts people in. Love and support are not an ordinal position. As you said, you give what you can to those who matter in your life. Sometimes this person needs more of our time, sometimes that one does. While time is finite, love is infinite.

This is starting to look like lots of decisions (maybe unnecessary and/or at least ones that don't need to be made now) and lots of walking on eggshells. Not a way to live. How about since the current way is not working (what would you call this one anyway--trying to hold all the sand as it slips through your fingers?), you try a new one. One that looks like this: Wolman, how do you want to show up in your own life? Are you confident enough to decide that for yourself? Are you strong enough to fight for that guy (and let go of the fear that does not serve you? ) Can you be your own compass? I find this helpful because it is not a reflection of where we are now (which we may not like) but it helps us start walking toward the path we want to be on so that we can actually get there. It is aspirational, the best of us.

I found that when I started down this path (and not one that you need ever explain to anyone else), things tended to sort themselves out). The people I wanted with me followed right along with me (and celebrated the ease and happiness they saw in me). We have easier relationships, more open ones. Some of the people I struggled to have in my life I decided to let go of and I lost one person who needed me to behave a certain way for her to be ok (one that was contrary to how I want to show up in my life) so I was ok with the loss of her and wish her nothing but the best.

When we take out of our lives a "plan" and we let things happen organically, we lose that white-knuckle feeling (that things are not where they are supposed to be). When we let other people decide if they want to be a part of our life as we authentically show up, it becomes easier to let go of them if they chose not to and embrace them if they do. Some people are just not "want" matches with us. They never will be, no matter how hard we try to force it. Either they can't meet us where we are or they resent us for having to try to.

I disagree on the counseling. But I will tell you I have a pretty negative bias against it now (except for folks with mental health issues). Everyone I know who went to relationship counseling is out of the relationship and the money they spent on it. There are so many great resources to be had (books, podcasts, seminars, etc.) that anyone who truly wants to dial into them can access them--just as we all found this site through Michele's books. I never looked for this stuff when I needed it, now its my favorite reading. New things to aspire to, more things about myself I'd like to improve.

You truly cannot change other people unless they want to change (so it is really them changing themselves); but if you so desire, you can change almost anything about yourself. Just like eating an elephant, you take it one bite at a time.

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Originally Posted by Wolfman
She actually said to me the other day my opinion doesn’t matter. It was about the baby napping. Her reason was she is home all the time with the baby and she knows what’s best for him.
Originally Posted by kml
mansplaining
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Also, how can you say she doesn’t need me mansplaining? I don’t have a voice when it comes to my baby? Granted she is the one with him, I have also done this twice already.
Trust her, if you've entrusted her with caring for the baby during the day. I get you're passionate about the best way to do things. Apply these when it's your job. Apply these when you're asked for advice. Be sparing with unsolicited advice on how others do their job. With respect, lead by example. Show her you respect how she does the role you entrusted her to do. Obviously, unless she's doing something that borders on criminal neglect, abuse, etc.!!

Big picture, Criticism is one of the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse.

Originally Posted by Wolfman
She needs to listen to me once and a while, I don’t mean just take my suggestions or advice into consideration.

Consider this advice from a therapist--

Originally Posted by "Sharon Martin, LCSW"
Repeatedly giving unsolicited advice can contribute to relationship problems. Its disrespectful and presumptive to insert your opinions and ideas when they may not be wanted. Unsolicited advice can even communicate an air of superiority; it assumes the advice-giver knows whats right or best.

I have homework for you! Would you consider giving NO advice or opinions for a month EXCEPT when requested OR when talking to dependents (children, employees)?

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While I agree Own that bad counseling is worse than no counseling at all, I still think that there are some good ones out there, and any counselor worth their salt would probably call each of them on some of their stuff, which could be useful. Having a therapist tell her that expecting him to put his kids from his first marriage behind her and her kid would have a lot more useful impact than him saying it, if she can hear it.

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So part of the problem I have with that is that it turns the counselor into a judge, weighing in on the wants or needs of the parties, and delivering with weighty authority the verdict about who is right and wrong (or even worse brow-beating one party into agreeing with the other). We'd never let a lawyer represent both sides in a transaction, why do we let counselors? At least with mediators there is an understanding that it won't be a "right" position and a "wrong" one, only a mediated one. There is no correct answer on most of this, only people's positions, perceptions, and yes, the dreaded feelings. (So perhaps find a mediator trained as a marital counselor or a counselor who specializes in mediation).

If someone thinks the kids from a first marriage should come first or even on the same plane as subsequently born children, that is his position, and a reasonable one. If he isn't sure and can't get there through self-reflection, or doesn't feel strong enough to self-advocate, then maybe individual counseling could be helpful in problem solving and self-advocacy (but the internal resolution should still be his own). I think we forget how little training these folks actually get and that most of them try to hold themselves out as specialists in every possible issue (read some of their profiles on psychology today if you doubt me). Every case is different and trying to bring together two people already in conflict would take the most skilled person imaginable. While I'm sure such a person exists, most are never lucky enough to find them. Even Gottman has been married more than once.

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Originally Posted by OwnIt
So part of the problem I have with that is that it turns the counselor into a judge, weighing in on the wants or needs of the parties, and delivering with weighty authority the verdict about who is right and wrong (or even worse brow-beating one party into agreeing with the other).
OwnIt, I've worked with four relationship counselors and never experienced this.

It sounds like you had a terrible therapy experience!

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Originally Posted by Wolfman
Second her behavior is very childish and immature. I’m also going to speak with her father. But like I said earlier he is the only person she might listen to, besides hopefully the counselor.
What if you turned this around and focused on what you control--your behaviors? "Hey Dad, our relationship's gotten rocky lately. You've obviously been married for a long time and are clearly doing some things right. This is my second rodeo and I have blind spots. If there were 3 things I could do, to be a better husband, what would you suggest?"

Originally Posted by Wolfman
I have expressed to her my love language is touch, but all I get when I say anything which is rare, all I care about is $ex and that she is emotionally not there.
Did you clarify that TOUCH means handholding and not sex?

Wolf, it must be terrible feeling another situation slipping away. A year without sex is serious, but you are not to BD yet, and maybe the baby buys you some time. This is another chance to put validation into practice, make 180s to improve your relationship and find happily ever after while staying strong for your son and daughter.

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To be clear, I was in no way describing a personal experience, rather challenging this statement: "Having a therapist tell her that expecting him to put his kids from his first marriage behind her and her kid would have a lot more useful impact than him saying it, if she can hear it." The therapist's job is not to decide who is "correct" and then communicate that to the other party or get them to agree. Hence if an inability to communicate one's positions to the partner is the issue, then individual counseling is likely more helpful to learn effective techniques for doing so. The therapist who takes sides in a couple's conflict is acting more a judge than a counselor.

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A therapist isn’t going to judge her but a competent one would ask her whether she thinks that is fair, to ask him to choose between his kids from his previous marriage and her. They would also likely work on them finding better ways to meet each other’s needs. Counseling with a WAS is usually a waste because they aren’t genuinely interested in fixing things when they’ve got an AP in their sights. But a situation like this is different - and even if the relationship isn’t salvageable, it might help improve their co-parenting communication going forward.

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I think it’s simple if she is interested in going and putting in the work it is worthwhile. If she is not then it’s a waste of time and I would start getting my ducks in a row and contemplate an exit strategy.

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